Love Like a Tidal Wave

I locked the screen of my blackberry and heavily exhaled. I threw myself in bed, not wanting to go to Mike's house. I didn't want to talk to him about anything. Stace already hates me and Feena is no longer my friend. I'm pretty sure after leaving Mike’s house I will also lose his friendship.

Tony was busy doing some photo shoot for Key Street's new summer merchandise that should out mid-June. So he should be gone all afternoon. The kids were in school so I had time to visit Mike and have that discussion with him—even though I have to pack since we were moving to a house in San Diego. I finally agreed to move since we were all over there every weekend.

I stayed in bed staring up at the ceiling for a good five minutes. Do I want to talk to Mike? No. Do I have to talk to him? Yes.

I let out another sigh and started thinking how life would have been like if I would have chosen Mike instead of Tony. But I stopped myself. I didn't want to. I needed to distract myself from thinking of that.

I got off the bed and headed to the kitchen. Maybe a cup of coffee would help me, or some tea. I needed something in my system, something strong. I opened up the cabinets and took down the bucket we had of coffee roast. I placed it on the counter then opened up the lid, but I stopped. I looked at the small bar in the living room and thought of some Vodka or whisky. It sounded good right now.

NO. You remember what happened last time. You're right. I'm going to drink coffee and stay home.

I proceeded on making myself a hot mug of coffee so I could go on with my day. I was planning on cleaning the house and make something good for lunch, but I didn't know what exactly my taste buds were calling for.

I opened the fridge to see what I had or what I wanted to make. Maybe looking at the food inside the refrigerator will help me decide what I wanted to make. I ended up staring at the Tupperware full of spaghetti and it reminded me of Mike. Tony and I went over to his house and Mike kept bugging me to make him something to eat. I made him some spaghetti.

What did we just talk about? “No thinking of Mike.” I answered to myself.

The coffee was ready so I sat on the counter and drank while continuing to think of absolutely nothing. The painting and picture frames on the wall started to get interesting. Maybe I should visit Mike. What could go wrong?

Finishing my coffee, I grabbed my keys and walked out the front door to my car. I drove down south listening to Pierce the Veil...just because I wanted to. They're not even bad. After listening to a few songs, I changed the CD and put on Usher's Greatest Hits. I sang along until I pulled out of the freeway.

Pulling up to his driveway, I turned off the ignition and slowly climbed out. Before I could knock, Cara opened the door and looked surprised to see me.

"Hi," she smiled brightly and a bit curious. "Missed me already?" She crossed her arms and her smile turned into a smirk. I couldn't help but laugh.

"Of course baby. So where should we go this time? My house? My car? Or the shower?" I winked and she started to laugh.

"Public is a bigger turn on," she winked and smiled widely.

"Lesbo."

"Only for you. So what brings you here? Mikey?"

"He wants to...talk." I scratched my head and she made a look.

"Euphemism for—"

"OH NO! No no no. We're passed that."

She chuckled, "Come in. He's on the pool table, as always. I'll see you around. The principle called me just a few minutes ago."

"Ainsley's a trouble maker?"

"Apparently. Have fun. Try not to miss me so much." She blew me a kiss and left. I walked over to the burgundy pool table next to the living room to find Mike drinking a beer.

"You came." He said when he saw me. He placed his cue stick down and grabbed his can of beer, not keeping his eyes off me.

"I'm here spiritually." I said sarcastically.

"I didn't tell Stacy anything. I was probably drunk or high!" He got offended, I wasn't in the mood to fight.

"You still told her. Doesn't matter if you were intoxicated or not, you verbally told her about us having sex."

"I didn't tell her about that. I swear. Yeah I mentioned your name a few times but I never said I slept with you. She found your jewelry on my bed if you haven’t forgotten." He pointed at me and then to him. That was my fault for not checking if I left any tracks behind, he wasright. I didn't want to admit it but I was still going to take Dr. Smith's advice and methods.

"Okay, that part was my fault. I should have known what I was getting myself into."

He looked down at his Nikon watch then straight ahead to the living room. He was letting his beard and mustache grow again. I kinda liked it when he does but then it grows too thick. Why am I even thinking about his facial hair?

"You could have told me that Tony cheated on you with Feena so I wouldn't have to feel guiltier than I already am."

"Who said he cheated on me with her?"

"So you just wanted punch Feena after looking at Tony?" He questioned with some attitude in his voice.

"Just because I wanted to punch her last week doesn't mean she slept with Tone."

He paused for a bit and licked his dry lips. "I think everyone knows he cheated on you."

I placed both my hands behind my neck and walked around the pool table. "Why does it matter anyways? I did the same."

"You still don't deserve to get hurt like that," he said softly while rubbing his arm. I faced him, trying to force myself to ask him. A part of me didn’t want to but that was the whole purpose of coming to his house: to get answers.

"Can I ask you a question, Mike?"

He looked at me for a second before drinking his beer. "Shoot."

I swallowed the lump on my throat and went on. "Are you in love with me?"

He stared at his beer after removing his lips from the opening. He kept quiet—frozen. I knew what his answer was. That alone scared me. I peered down at the floor and leaned back on the wall of the stairs near him. "I was afraid of that answer."

"Why does it matter anyways?" He murmured.

"Because I'm holding you down. You don't want to commit to anyone because you have feelings for me."

"Oh and you don't think you have feelings for me also?" He pointed at himself, walking towards me. I could see I got him upset.

"Mike—"

"No. You have feelings for me. Maybe you don't want to admit it because you're trying to convince yourself that you don't when you do. I know you're married to Tony and have a family with him but I know you always think of the 'what if's.' " He paused before continuing. "What if Tony was never in the band? You'd probably be married to me. What if he was in the band, but you ignored him and continued flirting with me? We'd have a chance. What if you did cheated on Tony with me back then and you two got divorced? Our band would have broken up and we'd probably be together at last. I wouldn't have cared if the band broke up. Being with you would have made me happy."

This was the reason why I didn't want to talk to him about it. I didn't want him to say anything like that because I would feel really guilty...I FEEL guilty. I slept with him and that was probably a mistake. That had also made him questioned his feelings about me. No wonder he was so easy to get in bed.

"We don't belong together." I told him.

"That's what your mind is telling you. Listen to your heart.” NO. “So about your question, yes. I am in love with you. I have been for the past five years. I don't want anybody else but you."

I felt my tears gathering up in my eyes but I didn't want to cry. I cried too much this week. This is a dream—or a nightmare—that I'm struggling to wake up from. Why can’t I ever be happy for one whole minute.

"You want Stacy. Not me. You love her. You want her and nobody else. You're just making an excuse so you won't have to settle down with her." I argued.

"Why would I make an excuse? I don't feel the same way about her than the way I feel about you. Yeah I adore her or I'm 'infatuated' by her but you're in a whole different level."

"No." I shook my head. He walked away from me and leaned on the pool table.

"Do you not remember what you said to me at the bar?"

"I was drunk!" I scowled.

"A drunken mind speaks a sober thought."

"Don't give me that bullshit, Mike."

"You know it's true." He played with the silver watch on his wrist. "And what makes it harder to move on...is the fact that you don't deny it.” His voice was now warm and soft. “You don't even answer. You just try changing the subject because you're afraid that you're in love with me too."

"Mike—"

"Just admit that you have feelings for me! Stacy knows, Vic knows, Cara knows. I think everyone knows how we feel about each other after all these years. They think it's all in their heads but it isn't."

"I love Tony."

"You guys are always fighting and hurting each other. You're the one who told me that your marriage was never going to work out. You even knew that you two weren't meant for each other."

"What makes you think we're perfect for each other, Mike?"

"BECAUSE I KNOW." He shouted. I could see the veins from his neck popping out from his tattoos. "A kiss can tell a lot about feelings. The way you kissed me at the parking lot and on the couch shows that you feel the same way about me."

I cleared the tears from my eyes so I could see. I should have expected this to happen but I had to talk to him about it. Tony is my soul mate. Mike just needs to move on. I'm not the one for him. Tony holds my heart and he was the one I belong to. I didn't want to believe that I had feelings for Mike. I’m head over heels for Tone.

"I love Tony, Mike. He's the love of my life and you love Stacy."

He shook his head. "He's not." He walked away to the kitchen to get another beer. He came back and leaned on pool table again, keeping his eyes on me. "Stacy isn't the one for me."

"MIKE JUST STOP!"

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO ASKED! I'm only speaking from my heart!" He retorted, getting more upset. I continued staring at him as I was breathing loudly. We remained quiet for a very long time. The front door opened and in came Vic with Mason. He greeted us but we just stood quiet. He went upstairs to his room, leaving us alone.

Cara then came back. She had her smile on but it faded rapidly when she saw me crying. She refrained from talking because Mike would have probably said something mean to her. She forced a grin when she met my eyes then left upstairs to Vic.

I heaved a deep breath then looked back at Mike. He hasn’t touched his beer.

"Why don't you deny that you have feelings for me then?" He his voice was low and husky.

Because I do. I glanced down at my sandals and ponder for a bit. Do I love Mike? Have I always been in love with him or do I love Tony? I never thought I'd ask myself those questions.

Just when things were finally falling into place this this ended up happening.