Love & Lust

Break ups are never easy, especially when you’re the cause of it all.

We had the whole world at our feet and nothing could have torn us apart. Well, that’s what we thought, that’s what I had thought. We were near perfect for five whole years; we had five good years, spending every single waking and possible moment together, regardless of both our crazy schedules, regardless the ridiculous situations our jobs would put us in, regardless of it all; we’d be together, we would be strong and deep in love, lust and all of the above. We were so goddamn perfect. He and I were a team in the A class, always striving to better ourselves as people, always being at the top of our game and never letting anything get to us. We had it all: the fame, the money, everything.

We lived together in penthouse on the Upper East Side of New York City. We had planned our lives out together with one another in mind. He kept me in his heart, always. I’d never forget how much he loved me, never. We used to joke about having a dozen kids, having the big family and the big house, like the one in Cheaper by the Dozen. We joked about leaving our careers and running off to Mexico to live out our youth. We had dreams and promises to keep and I broke them, I broke those promises and dreams.

It was a single moment in time where I fucked it all up, ending everything we had. That moment in my life is the cause of all my issues.

My name is Anna Fraceschi. I am currently in London, living with my brother, Josh. I’m doing my best to pick myself up and move on... I’m struggling. What is life without the one you love?

Horrible.
Dull.
Nothing.

I have been here in London settling into my brother’s unoccupied house for the past week. He is currently on tour in the States with his band, You Me At Six- Shit. It’s been one week since he wanted to part ways. One whole bloody week I spent soaked in my own tears in a foreign city, in an unknown bed and without his warmth around me.

I need him back.
I need him back.
I need him back.
I fucked up.

He wants us to still be friends. He says we should take some time apart, let our heart’s grow fond or whatever. It’s the worst trying to keep your distance and trying not to cross that line, knowing that you’ve hurt the one you love and he no longer wants to be with you in that light. It’s the most rubbish feeling in the world, staring at his name on your phone screen, ready to type in the, “I love you,” “I miss you,” “I’m sorry,” but knowing that he no longer feels the same, realizing that you’ve fucked up and he’ll never love you like that again.

He is Harry Styles, my brother Josh’s best mate, every teenage girl’s dreams, the odd cougar’s dreams, my sister’s dreams, my mother’s dream and he is my- my ex-boyfriend... and I’d cheated him; lied to him, ignored him, betrayed him; sleeping with another man. I guess I should be grateful that he’s civil with me right? But no, I’m so butter. I’m so angry. I don’t know if I’d rather him have left me and never spoken to me again or be like he is with me now. I don’t know which is less painful: Harry walking out of my life or Harry allowing me to stay in his life but treating me like a stranger. I don’t know which I deserve.

May 25th, 2012. He wouldn’t even look at me after my pleads and cries. I didn’t expect him to, I knew what I had done. I had wronged him of so many ways. I was guilty. I am guilty. He starred into my eyes: cold, emotionless and numb filled. He whispered,

“I don’t believe this. How could you?” And soon his eyes filled with tears.

I watched his tears fall down his face and his mouth trembling. I felt his pain in my heart. I had really fucked it up this time. I couldn’t speak anymore. Words stuck in my throat. We stayed silent for a minute as he gathered his thoughts.

“I never even dreamed on laying my hands on another woman in my life, and you go and do this to me. You sleep with Dan, your brother’s best mate? One of my best mates,” By then he was angry. Anger stained every single one of those words. Anger hit my heart, hard and painfully.

“I-I don’t know what to say to make you stay. I wish I did, with every ounce in me I wish I knew what to say or do to make you stay here, with me; for you to still love me. Harry, it was the biggest mistake of my life. I never wanted this to happen. I just wanted you to be happy with me, I wanted you someone to show me love like we had... I need you. I need you,” I replied trying to salvage everything I could, putting emphasis on the I’s and doing my best to save us, save my ass.

“I don’t know how to be with you anymore. I don’t know how to trust you anymore. I won’t do this anymore, no matter how I feel about you. I just- We can be friends. I don’t want to lose you forever. I am so mad at you right now, so mad at Dan, you have no idea. I want to just scream and punch something but I know it won’t help this any better. I know that this will pass and I will learn to forget this pain in my chest. I will learn to forget to love you. I cannot love and be with someone that has done what you did. I’ll see you...” He finished as he gathered his coat, keys and made his way towards our front door.

I got up wiping my tears. My heart beating heavily in my chest, my body filled with anxiety; he won’t be with me. He can’t love me.

“Please stay. Don’t go. I can’t do this on my own. Harry, I promise I can make this right. I can make this okay. It’ll be just you and me and we can live out our dreams. I need you. You are my world. I know I have no right to stand here and beg for your forgiveness but I can’t bare the thought of losing you. I cannot bare the thought of you hating me so much so that’d you’d erase me from you life-”

“I’m not erasing you from my life Anna, it’s just a see you later. I need time. I just need time. So i’ll see you when my heart becomes steady, when my world seems less broken, when I’m stronger. I’ll see you,”

These were the last words he said to me as he walked out the door. I had broken his world, shattered his heart and made him go weak. He said that his love was forever. Well it’s forever that I need.