Love & Lust

“Mornin’,” Josh mumbles as he stumbles into the kitchen.

“Hey, what time are the boys coming over?” I ask while flipping the pancakes.

“Soon as they get up I suppose?” He grumbles.

“How did you find tour, being single and all for the first time?” I ask Josh smugly with a cheeky grin.

“No difference really, we’re not really the kind of blokes to sleep around with girls. But yeah it was fun hanging out with girls and not getting jealous phone calls from her in the middle of the night,” He smiles raising an eyebrow.

“So you and Hannah are done and dusted?” I ask nervously.

She was a great girl... when she wanted to be. She loved Josh an awful lot, she just wasn’t the kind of girlfriend Josh needed. She always wanted his attention even though he was in a different time zone doing his job, playing to thousands of people. She wanted him all to herself. Hannah was a cheater. I’m not a hypocrite, okay maybe I am a little bit but Hannah cheated so many times and Josh took her back almost every single time he came back from tour. She cheated to get his attention, maybe I cheated on Harry to get his attention... I don’t honestly know yet.

“Yeah, it had to happen. She just kept on hurting me over and over, she wanted me to acknowledge her and she figured sleeping with someone would do the job. It just sucks you know? Loving someone so much, committing so much of your time to that person, to then later come the the realization that everything has just come to shit,” Josh says as he stuffs hot pancakes in his mouth.

My brother is defeated yet again. I really hope that this is the last time she’ll break his heart. I hope that this really is that last time he ever has to break up with her.

“I get what you mean, I get what she went through as well...” I quietly mutter.

“What do you mean?” He says looking up from his plate of food.

“I slept with Dan because I was vulnerable and Harry hadn’t been speaking to me; he was ignoring me for no good reason, he stopped being my boyfriend and we never did anything anymore. I slept with Dan because Dan made me feel loved, he made me smile and laugh after Harry made me hit my darkest lows. I’m sorry,” I whisper, taking deep breathes.

“What are you sorry for A?” He asks in a kind voice.

“I’m sorry for sleeping with one of your best mates,” I nervously apologize.

“I know. That night I found out, I lost it at Dan. Literally, I was on the verge of going ballistic and beating the shit out of him. I couldn’t really understand it all. Why he’d sleep with my little sister, you both just put me in a really uncomfortable position. I guess I now understand why you two did what you did. And when you two flirt, it’s just weird. Uh, do you- uh fancy him?” Josh says.

“I dunno Josh, I just love the way he makes me feel. I love that he makes me feel happy and loved and wanted. I don’t know if i’m allowed to fancy him...” I say raising a brow and a little smirk forms.

“Are you asking me for permission to fancy my best mate?” He laughs teasingly.

“I don’t know. Shut up! I love Harry. I love Harry and I don’t know if I can fancy Dan. I’m just stuck,” I say shaking my head to my own disapproval.

“Has he spoken to you?” Josh asks changing the topic.

“Harry? He has been asking for time apart,” I say defeated.

“Oh...”

“Has he spoken to you Josh? ... about me?” I ask a hint of hope touching my words.

“The last time we spoke was a couple weeks ago when you were still together. I’ll give him a ring later see what’s up,”

“What did he say? Don’t ring him, he asked me to give him space,” I say almost paranoid.

I don’t want Harry to think I’m making Josh speak to him for me. I just want to give him his space and leave everything be. I don’t want to make things worse before they start to get better.

“He is my mate Anna, i’ll ring him to catch up. Last time we spoke I told him my girlfriend problems and he fixed them for me, he helped me figure out how I really felt about Hanah, we spoke about his future with you and how he wanted to take you with him on a world tour one day and stuff...” He drifts off.

“Ohh,” Fuck me.

Seriously. Ugh why did I have to ask him that Jesus, I don’t need this in my head right now. Awkward silence fills the kitchen as I begin to plate the food and wash the dishes.

“I really fucked up didn’t I?” I ask my brother truthfully.

“I think Harry fucked up by letting you go,” He replies in all honesty.

“He can’t fuck up because he knows that I still love him and he would never lose me,” I say full of doubt.

“Anna, that’s what you think now. But sooner or later you’re going to realize that you don’t love him anymore if he continues to push you away, you’re going to find someone new and he’s going to treat you right. Harry will regret letting you go,” Josh gives me his brotherly advice.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore Josh,” I clearly state.

“Anna, don’t dwell on this okay. Just move on,” Josh’s words are stern and protective.

I roll my eyes as tears begin to form. Move on? How do I make myself stop loving someone? That is the most ridiculous thing i’ve ever heard of. I know I fucked up. I know I deserve Harry dumping me. I deserve Harry pushing me away. I cheated. I cheated on Harry with his best mate, my brothers best mate.