Lost in This Hell

“Wake up, Alexa.”

I open my eyes and sleepily grab my phone. I look at the time 2:35. Fuck this shit im going back to bed. I snuggle back under my covers and close my eyes.

“Wake up, come on Sweetheart. It’s time to go.”

“No Jimmy its sleepy time.” I mutter to the darken bedroom and cover my head with my black blanket.

“Come on sleepy-head. It’s time for you to leave.”

I sigh heavily and get up outta bed. It has been almost a week since I heard Jimmy’s voice. We talked a lot mostly about the band and his life before he died.

I already said goodbye to my other best friends, Christy, Amanda and Nino. They also know everything about my life and Amanda has told me plenty of times that she would come with me if I really wanted her too.

I bend down and petted Sinbad’s large head.

“Go get the dye and change your hair color.”

I listened to Jimmy and went to the bathroom to dye my hair purple. I washed and dried my newly dyed hair and smiled when I saw the beautiful color.

“Im glad you picked that one. Purple is my favorite color.”

I smiled and shook my head at Jimmy’s words. I go into my room and grab my black sweatpants and a light gray hoodie. I grab my 2 already packed suitcases and go down to put them into my car. I walk back up to my room grab my phone, iPod, and sunglasses. I heard a soft whining noise and I looked down at Rocky and Sinbad. I frown knowing I have to leave them. Im gonna lose my baby boys. I start to tear up and quickly wrap my arms around them.

“Take them with you.” I look up at my dad’s voice. I see him leaning against my door frame with his arms crossed and a frown on his face.

“Daddy?”

“Go ahead take them with you. They are more your dog’s then your brothers. I already put their food in you trunk for you.”

I get up to hug my father and we stand there for a while just holding each other.

“Im sorry Daddy.” He shakes his head at me and tightens his hold on me.

“No im sorry baby-girl. Im sorry I haven’t always been there to protect you.”

“But you have Daddy.” He smiles down at me and hands me and envelope that he took out of his back pocket.

“There’s 6 thousand dollars in there. That was your collage money but I doubt you’re gonna go now.” I smile and hug my father one last time before checking I have everything I need. Im about to walk out of the room when my father calls me back. I look over at him and smile when I saw him holding out my stuffed dog. I grab him and hug him to my body before looking up at my dad one more time. “Call me everyday Baby-girl.” I nodded my head, kiss his cheek and walk away with my dogs following me.

I open my back car door for the both of them and they both go right to sleep on the back seat. I place my stuffed dog in the passenger seat and look up at the front door where my father is standing. I run up and hug him one more time and tell him I loved him once more before starting up the car and drive away from my old house.



It’s about 5 in the morning now. I left the house around 3. I knew before I left New York I have to do one more thing. I pulled up to the gate and drives pass them. I drive all the way to the very middle of the cemetery and turn off the car. Sinbad looks up but goes back to sleep when I shut the door. I walk pass all the graves and stop when I got to my father’s parents graves. I kneel down in front of my grandmothers and look at her stone.

“Im sorry for all that I did. Im sorry for all the pain im now brining to daddy. Im sorry for not being stronger. I guess im not strong enough to live with our family any more. Im sorry if im a disappointment Grandma. I never wanted to be. I just needed some way to take away my pain. I will always love you Grandma and im sorry if you hate me for everything I did.”

“She is not mad, only sad at what her grandsons did to her granddaughter. She says that she will always be proud of you and she will always watch you. She loves you Alexa and always will. All of your grandparents say that.”

“Thank you Jimmy.” I smile and kiss my hand before placing it on the stone. I get up and walk back to the car.

I start it up and start driving west.

I look in the rearview window and smile sadly when I saw my Grandma standing next to my dad’s father. I never met my grandfather. He died from cancer 3 years before I was born.

“Im gonna make you proud Grandma.”

“I already am proud of you, Cookie.”