Dirt

It had been a week, and my mood had not gotten any better. Imagine how shitty I was when I learned that Matt was going to be moving into the spare bedroom of my apartment. He said it was part of his contract. He says that his company is not only being paid by my management team, but it was also being given a hefty "donation from an anonymous source" to pay Matt to be at my side at all times. One guess who that "anonymous source" is. If I had to bet, I'd put my money on Pop.

It was exhausting being followed everywhere I went. I had to have conversations about who Matt was now. I had to include him in every part of planning my day. Actually...if I'm honest, it isn't really that I have a bodyguard that upsets me, it's more that it's Matt that's following me. I was getting to a place where I was getting over the betrayal by him, and then he shows up and is thrust into my life full time, and it was throwing my emotions for a loop. I didn't know how to handle the confusion, so I was turning it into annoyance and anger.

The two of us had just gotten home from the studio, and I was ready for a shower before dinner. I quietly told him this, and as I was closing my bedroom door, I caught Matt looking at me with a look that I hadn't seen in almost a year. He looked sad, determined, and like he still felt the same way about me. I shut the door behind me and decided to think it over in the shower.

I came back out a short while later and there was Chinese take out on the kitchen counter. Matt was already seated at the table with a heaping plate of food. I fixed myself a plate and sat down across from him. "Thanks for ordering dinner." That was almost the extent of our conversations. We didn't really have anything but polite conversations with each other.

"You're welcome," he said quietly. "So, uh...what's on the agenda for tomorrow?"

I shrugged. "Not much, really. Just rehearsal with the band around three or four. Did you need to do something?"

"Not really," he said with a shake of his head. "Just wondering." We sat in an awkward silence for a few minutes. Matt finally huffed. "Okay, haven't you had enough of this? Isn't this too weird?"

"What?"

"Us. This whole, 'act like we don't really know each other' thing we're doing. I understand that you're upset that you have to have a bodyguard in the first place, and I also understand that I've given you no reason to believe that you can trust me as far as you can throw me, but we're acting like kids. Let's get over ourselves and at least act like friends. I'm not saying we should discuss our past, or even...I don't know, how much I still love you, or something. All I'm saying is that we should be friendly. You think?"

I thought it over for a minute. He did have a point. We knew too much about each other to act like we didn't. "You're right. It is pretty dumb to act like this around each other. But I still have mixed feelings about you, and I'm not sure I can just jump into being your friend."

"That's fair."

"But I will try. If we're going to be around each other this much, we might as well make the best of it, right? It does us no good being shitty."

He nodded. "My sentiments, exactly."

The next afternoon we both arrived at the rehearsal space a little early. By the looks of the cars in the parking lot, Tyler had beaten us there. We walked in and I said a quick hello to Tyler as he was warming up. Matt went to sit in the corner while I wandered around the big room doing my own vocal warm ups. I took a small break and sat down Indian style in the middle of the space to watch Tyler. He noticed me watching and shot me a smile and started playing some sappy romantic song. He even started singing. I suppressed a sigh and an eye roll as I felt Matt come over and sit next to me on the floor.

"He's totally in love with you, you know," Matt whispered to me.

I nodded slightly. "I'm aware. I don't know what to do about it, though."

"What do you mean? He's an attractive guy. Why not date him?"

I laughed. "Okay, that wasn't a weird thing to hear you say." I thought for a couple moments. "I don't know why I don't like him, I just don't. He's not my type. It's hard, though. He acts like he likes me, and I try really hard to not lead him on. I try not to do anything that can be construed as flirting, but I'm not sure he gets the idea."

Matt chuckled. "So, why don't you just tell him where to get off? You've said before that sometimes guys only understand when you're mean to them."

I shook my head. "I can't do that to him, though. He's a nice guy and we have to work together. Besides, I don't like being the cause of someone else's heartache. It doesn't sit well with me." I glanced over in time to see Matt's head spin my way and his eyebrows shoot up into his hairline. That's exactly what I did to him when I left the hospital that night without saying anything. I laughed lightly at his smirk. "Okay, okay. Touché, self, touché. I guess I have been acting like a brat lately, huh?" He gave a noncommittal grunt. "Yeah, I have. It's okay to say it. Sorry about that." He smiled and nodded. "So, what about you? Aren't you dating? Surely you left some heartbroken girl back home to come out here to look after some pitiful singer."

"I wouldn't put it exactly like that..." he said with a laugh. "But no, there's no girl back home. I went on a couple dates here and there, but nothing seemed to stick."

"Oh, come on," I teased, "you could've dated what's her name. You know, the one you took to my party....why did you bring a girl to my party?"

"I was trying to be a good friend!" he defended.

"Yeah, yeah," I laughed, "I'm sure that's what it was. I think you owe me, though. The next girl you get, you have to take me to her birthday party. You know, just as friends." We both laughed loudly and interrupted Tyler's song. He stopped abruptly and let out a loud sigh as Gabby and Travis, the drummer, came waltzing through the door. "Where the hell is Oscar?" I asked them, which only earned me a shrug from Travis. He never really talked unless he absolutely had to. He was the strong, silent type. I liked that about him, it allowed me to talk that much more.

I shouldn't have said anything because Oscar came barreling through the door just a minute later. He was really excited. "I've decided we've been working too hard, and I'm throwing a party."

I shook my head. "Right. What's the real reason you're throwing a party."

"I bought a new stereo system. It's pretty sweet. So, you in?"

I looked to Matt. "Are we in?"

He shrugged. "Well, I guess if you are, then I am."

"I'm pretty sure that's how that works in babysitting," Gabby said with a smile. I flipped her off, which only made her laugh out loud.

"Can we practice already?" Tyler asked, clearly annoyed.

I got up and stifled a laugh as Travis muttered, "Sure, man. I didn't realize singing back up to Ashlynn's music was so important to you."

(Matt's POV)

I got dressed in the spare bedroom in a pair of jeans and a Run DMC baseball style tee shirt. After slipping on some shoes, I went out to the living room to wait for Ash. She came out shortly after looking really good. She had on some jeans that were tucked into some knee high boots, and a loose fitting cropped tee shirt over a tight navy blue tank top. The tee shirt read 'Music is the Answer'. She looked like she used to, back when we would go to parties together. I felt a small pang of hurt in my chest. I missed those days.

We got in the car and she drove us, much to my chagrin, over to her friend, Oscar's house. When we got there, there were cars parked all along the street. It reminded me of one of Jimmy and Johnny's parties. Damn, I missed those dudes. I missed all my bothers. It's only been a week, but I was used to seeing them almost every day. I just had to remind myself that I was gone for a good reason.

Ash led us inside and immediately waved to a bunch of people who called her name. This was different. I had a shock of reality hit me when I realized that I didn't really know this Ashlynn. It had been a year and this person had friends that I didn't know. She was still the same person, but she wasn't at the same time. I had to shake myself out of those thoughts when I glanced down to see her looking at me expectantly. "Huh?"

She laughed. "I asked if your bodyguard status meant that I could convince you to get rid of Oscar's creepy friend, Ricky. He's just too weird."

"It just so happens that getting rid of creepy guys is exactly why I'm here. You want to point him out? I'll go ahead and start my intimidating stares."

She laughed again, which made my heart skip a few beats. "That's good to know. But there's no need right now. I'll let you know when you have to warm up your stares."

A couple hours later and we were sitting in a small group of people on a couch, and everyone was talking about their most embarrassing moment. I learned that Oscar accidentally pushed his grandmother into the pool at her anniversary party, some guy named Chuck pissed his pants in middle school, and Ashlynn accidently flashed her underwear to an entire audience during a play she was in while in high school. After a while, though, she got pretty quiet and just let everyone else talk around her. I tried to subtly ask her what was going on, but every time I caught her eye, she would shake her head at me.

"Aw, shit, Oscar," Ash mumbled, "I didn't know creepy Ricky was here. Why do you always invite him to these things?"

"Cuz he's my friend," he slurred.

"Well, he's creepy," she whispered to me. "We should be going soon." I nodded my head and we made our way through the crowd and out the front door.

Once we got in the car I could see something was still upsetting her. "So, you wanna tell me what's going on?"

"Am I different?"

"What do you mean, different? Like, are you different from a year ago?" She nodded. "Uh, I mean, I guess. Why does that have you all in a twist?"

"I'm not happy. I realized that tonight. I'm sitting there, telling those people about my story from high school, and all I can think is that they don't know me. Not a single person there really knows me. Hell, you know me way better than they do. But then I thought, why is that? Have I just decided not to share myself with them, or have I become this other person since I've come here?"

"Everyone changes," I said quietly, "it's not that big a deal."

She hummed briefly before digging out her iPod from the center console. She played around with it before Janis Joplin came out of the car speakers. Ash sang along asking the Lord for a Mercedes Benz, a color TV, and a night on the town. After the song, I asked her why she suddenly changed the subject. She just sighed and changed the song again. The opening lines to Fort Minor's 'Where'd You Go', started up and she turned it down slightly. "I'm scared that this is how everyone will feel about me back home. I'm confused about it, you know? I want to stay here and keep pursuing music, but sometimes I get so damn homesick I'm physically ill about it. I don't know."

I listened to the lyrics, and I could understand how she could be worried. She hadn't picked an easy career, and it took some special people to understand that even though she wouldn't always be around, it didn't mean she loved them any less. I told her as much and she smiled at me.

"You know, now that we're friends I can say this. I may have given you shit when you first got here, but I'd actually never been so glad to see you before in my life. You were going to be a semi permanent piece of home. Having you around helps out. I feel like maybe now I have someone around that actually knows me, you know?"

I simply nodded. "I'm glad I could help. You should stick it out here. I know you miss home, but this is your dream. Don't give that up. And I'll do whatever I can to help you not be so homesick. I mean, I did totally betray your trust and got you abducted by a crazy person, and potentially killed. It's the least I could do!" Thank God she laughed.