Dirt

It had been a couple days and even though I wasn't completely well, I was feeling slightly better. Matt had done a good job of helping me out and leaving me alone when I needed it. Come to think of it, he was a pretty considerate roommate. He cleaned up after himself, and he never played his video games too loudly. We were sitting in the living room watching TV after dinner when Matt's cell phone rang from his room. As he got up to go get it, mine started ringing next to me. I smiled seeing it was Erin.

"Hey, love! What's happening with you today?" I practically sang into the phone. Erin, Jessi, and I talked every day on the phone, and because of that fact, you would think that we would run out of stuff to talk about. Nothing could be further from the truth. There was always something to say, even if it was just an 'I love you'.

"I have pretty big news to tell you." She sounded nervous, which automatically put me on edge. I urged her to go on. "Brian and I are moving in together. Like, we're buying a house."

"That's great!" I yelled into the phone. "Congratulations! Awww, you guys are so cute. Why did you sound so freaked out to tell me that?"

"There's more." She hesitated. "I'm pregnant."

I screamed. I couldn't help it. This was my best fucking friend and she was going to have a baby. Matt came running out of his room with his phone in his hand and a confused look on his face. I pulled my phone away from my own head to motion to his phone. "Brian?" He nodded. I cheesed. "Erin." He only smiled real big and nodded his head. Brian must have told him the good news, too.

When I put the phone back to my ear, Erin was laughing at me. "Jesus, I'm glad you're so excited." I asked her why she thought I wouldn't be excited. "It's not that I thought you wouldn't be excited, I just didn't think you'd have that reaction. But I have to tell you, I'm kinda nervous, though."

"Well, come on. It's a child. That's pretty fucking major. It's only natural to be nervous. I'd be concerned if you weren't at least a little scared."

She laughed. "Good. Jessi said the same thing. I guess I just wanted to know you two didn't think I was crazy."

"Oh, you're crazy all right. But that's why I love you."

"I love you, too. I miss the shit out of you. When do you think you could be home next?"

I shrugged even though she couldn't see me. "Not sure. There's supposed to be a big show coming up, but we'll see. You guys wanna come out here?"

"I'll talk to Brian. I'm sure we can work out something. Okay, well...I'm feeling kinda pukey right now, so I'm gonna go throw up everything in my body. Talk to you later. Love you!"

I laughed at her. "Love you, bitch. Take care of my new niece or nephew...or niece!"

After Matt and I got off the phone we both looked at each other with wide smiles. "That's crazy, huh?" Matt asked me. I nodded. "You know what I think? I think we need to celebrate for them."

I shot up from the couch and went over to the kitchen. I pulled out some liquor from the cabinet and flashed Matt a big grin. "I agree. If we were home right now, there would be a big party being thrown for them that we would be going to, so let's pretend that we're there. Pick your poison."

Matt and I made drinks for ourselves and sat in the living room to toast to our friends. After that drink we made ourselves another one, and then another. And then after that I was pretty drunk. We talked about our friends back home for a while, and Matt asked me how often I saw everyone. I told him that I really only saw Brian when I hung out with Erin, but I saw Zacky more since we had that whole sibling thing going on. Then I sheepishly told him that I saw Johnny and Jimmy pretty regularly. They took trips up to visit all the time. He seemed only slightly pissed that they had been lying to him about where they were going all those times. I only laughed.

"So, you're happy for them, right?" Matt asked me. I nodded and asked him why he thought I wouldn't be. "Not sure. Just checking. I mean, I keep thinking that if things had happened differently between us, would that have been us?"

My eyebrows shot up. "Oh. I'm not sure. Why are you thinking about that? Things didn't happen differently. They happened the way they happened."

"Why are you always so quick to dismiss the subject of us? We may not be together anymore, but you and I had something really good going. Are you still so angry at me that you refuse to even acknowledge that we were even together?"

I hesitated while I had an internal debate. Do I honestly tell him, or do I just play it out like I had been? Fuck it. "Okay. Fair enough. I do tend to ignore that part of our history. No, it's not because I'm still pissed. It's because...I'm still hurt. You hurt me Matt. I'd never felt something like that before. I didn't know how to handle it then, and to be honest, I'm still not exactly sure how to handle it now. The fucked up part about the whole thing is how scared it made me. I'd opened myself up enough to be able to be that hurt by you. I was scared by that, and even now the thought terrifies me. I don't want anyone else to be able to do that to me. I think that's why I haven't really gotten to know anyone out here. I don't want to give anyone else access to be able to fuck my whole world up."

"Ash, I know how bad I hurt you, believe me. If there was any way that I could show you just how guilty I feel about it, I would. But it's in the past, and-"

I cut him off. Drunk talking was about to kick in. "Whatever. It's in the past, you're absolutely right, so let's just stop talking about it." I didn't know why I was so pissed, I just was. Maybe I felt like he was dismissing my feelings. I left the room and slammed by bedroom door shut. I quickly changed into some sleep clothes and crawled into bed. There was a knock a few seconds later. "Go away."

Matt opened the door instead. "No, thank you. Look, we're gonna be stuck together for a while, so running away from this isn't going to help anything. See, that's what your problem is. You don't let me finish, or explain; you just run away."

"MY problem?!"

"Shut up. Just listen to me. I'm not here to exploit your feelings. I just want to talk about this." Matt paced at the foot of my bed for a little while. "I messed up. I don't know how many times I have to say that to you. We've established that I fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me. And the reality of it is that there's nothing I can do to take that back. You're right, things happened the way they did. But...to be honest, there's not a single day that I don't wish that I could change it. I was so in love with you, Ash. I, um, I still am. I don't think I ever stopped. Even after you left, I just...you know I did try dating. None of them were you."

"How am I supposed to believe you?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't. All I can tell you is that I'm still in love with you. When you left, I was so pissed at myself. I got a real job because I was sure the fact that I didn't have a legitimate one was the cause of you leaving. I tried to change so that when I finally saw you again, you would want to be with me."

I just stared at him. I never knew that was how he felt. "That's stupid. I didn't leave because of your job. Have you not met my father? I'm not going to shy away from someone who does a little dirt."

"Yeah, but if I hadn't been doing it in the first place, none of the bad stuff would have happened to you."

"If you hadn't been doing it in the first place, you and I would have never met."

We were both silent for a long time. Finally Matt looked up at me. "Is there even a slight possibility that you, maybe, love me too?"

"I've written songs about you. I can't tell you how many. Sometimes, I write with other people or bands, and I find myself writing lines or verses about you. Some are good, some are pretty bad. I just thought you should know that they're out in the world. My feelings, I mean." He asked me what songs were about him. I wasn't ready to just give up those feelings so readily, so I got up from the bed and went over to my small collection of CD's that I had a hand in. They weren't all mine, and I knew that not all of them had songs about Matt in them, so I pulled three or four and handed them over. "Listen to these sometime. I'm sure you'll figure it out."

Matt left right after and I climbed back into bed to try and get some sleep. I'm not sure how long I was asleep, but eventually I felt the bed sink down next to me. I rolled over to see Matt sitting on my bed with his back to me. I wanted to ask him what he was doing, but I didn't get the chance.

"Go back to sleep. I just wanted to tell you that the poem you made into a song...that was about you."

I settled back down and closed my eyes. "I know."

"I'm going to make you trust me again. I think that's the problem. You don't trust me. I'm going to fix that. I need you to understand and believe that I will never do anything to hurt you again."

I was half asleep, so I didn't know if my response came out mumbled or not. "You can't just say it, Matt. You have to make me believe you."