Dirt

I was sitting on the back porch of Brian and Erin's house, wallowing in my failure. Jessi's and my old school rock show didn't work. We sang Blitzkrieg Bop and Sheena Is A Punk Rocker, and didn't get Erin to stir. Brian, Matt, and Zack, however, were really pissed. When I told Jimmy the story later he laughed his ass off. At least someone thought it was a funny as I did. But Jessi and I sat with Erin again for another day trying to get her to talk to us with no positive results. I was starting to get desperate.

The sliding glass door opened up behind me, but I didn't turn around. I could tell it was Matt straight away. He sat down beside me. That was it. He knew I didn't need or want to have any real conversations, so he just sat with me. I really loved how he just got what I needed. He waited until I gave him a small smile. "How's Brian, really?" I asked him.

"Not good. He's worried. He's sad because of the baby, but he's more worried about Erin. He's totally clueless on what to do right now. I don't even have the first idea, so...I'm not much help, you know? How are you doing?"

"Pretty shitty," I answered honestly. "Can I tell you something?" He nodded. "What if...remember that night we went to Oscar's party, and I told you I was scared that while I was away, I was going to change?" Another nod. "What if I did? What if I changed, and I don't know her anymore like I think I do? I mean, if I was her friend like I think I am, shouldn't I be able to drag her out of this? Shouldn't I just be able to kick her ass and wake her up? What if what I'm doing isn't working because I'm not the friend I thought I was?"

"You can't think like that. It's not you. You're a great friend. You're here, aren't you? Brian's been with her every day since you left, and he's just as lost. Jessi's not having any more luck than you are."

I felt a tear escape and I tried to wipe it away before it could roll down my cheek. "What if she never comes back?"

Matt wrapped an arm around me and pulled me to his side. "She will, I promise. She will. We'll get her back." I allowed myself to smile when he placed a kiss to the top of my head.

The next day I got a call from Tyler. I was in my usual place with Jessi and Erin when my phone rang. I took the call outside. "Hello?"

"Hey, it's me." At least he had enough sense to sound sorry. "Um, I just wanted to say sorry. For everything. I heard about your uncle, and I'm really sorry. But I'm also sorry for acting like an asshole. You were right. It wasn't fair to bring Matt into my argument, when it really wasn't about him."

I sighed. I didn't mean to, but I just really didn't want to deal with all of that right then. "Listen, Tyler, it's okay. I get it, you know? We all have our days...just, I don't know. I guess I'm trying to tell you that what I said is still true. I WANT you to play for me, but if you can't accept that you and I will never be more than friends, then you might as well find someone else to play for."

"I understand. And believe me, I'm not going anywhere. I think...I think I stayed stuck on you for so long because I never saw you show the slightest interest in anyone. Like, ANYONE. So I thought that maybe if I was patient enough, you would come around. But, since I've seen you and Matt together, I had to face the fact that you weren't interested in anyone else because you were already in love."

Was that true? Was that why I never found Tyler, or anyone else for that matter, attractive? I was going to have to think about that one. Did I have feelings for Matt now? Yes. Was I in love with him? ...Maybe... If I close my eyes and push away all the hurt feelings and trust issues, do I think that I was always in love with him and really never stopped being in love with him? Probably.

Fuck!

Jessi and I spent almost two more weeks trying to talk Erin into normalcy. Nothing seemed to be working. We did get her to have a major fucking meltdown when we hid her pills from her so she couldn't take them one afternoon. That earned us a shit load of top-of-her-lungs screaming, and throwing things. Then Brian came in, yelled at us, made us give her her pills back, and tucked her right back into bed. I was pissed. I waited until we were down in the kitchen before I said anything though.

"What the fuck, Brian?! Why did you do that?"

"Me?! Why did I do that? What the fuck were you two dumbasses thinking doing that to her?!"

Zacky started to say something in our defense, but I saw Matt put a hand on his shoulder and shake his head. Matt knew we could handle ourselves against Brian. "You know, she actually had a reaction," I informed him.

"A negative one!"

"So the fuck what?!" Jessi yelled. "It's a hell of a lot better than laying there being a vegetable all the fucking time! We can't let her continue this way."

"Brian," I tried to reason, "she doesn't eat. She barely drinks anything. She's wasting away. That's not okay. What we're doing now isn't working."

"Why do you give a shit anyway?" he asked me. "It's not like you've been around. You moved your ass away and forgot all about her. Now all of a sudden you want to come swooping in here and pretend to be her best friend. Where the hell have you been?"

"Alright, that's not fucking fair," Matt said from the corner.

I put a hand up to him. I knew that Brian didn't really mean what he said. He was just and tense and stressed out as the rest of us. But that also didn't mean that I wasn't going to come back. "No, it's alright. He's entitled to his own opinion. You're right. I haven't been around much, but that doesn't mean I don't talk to her every day, and it sure as hell doesn't mean that I don't love her. You've loved Erin for almost three years now, and I thank God every day that she found you. But I've loved her for twenty two years, and I'm pulling mother fucking seniority on you. I will give you tonight. You have tonight to try one more time to coax her out of this, but by tomorrow, if she's not any better, then we're doing this my way." I got real close to his face and lowered my voice. "And I fucking triple dog dare you to try and stop me. Get in my way, and I'll put you somewhere that they'll never find your fucking body." I stormed away from him at that point. I got as far a opening the front door when I heard him call out asking what 'my way' meant. "I don't fucking know yet, but anything is better than this!"

The next morning Jessi and I were up early. We woke up Zacky and Matt to brief them on our plan, which really wasn't much of a plan at all. All we really wanted Matt and Zee to do was to distract Brian long enough so we could have enough time alone with Erin. The air in the room was tense while we all sat around having lunch. Brian knew I was going to take over, but that didn't mean he had to like it. After we ate, Zack made Brian go out back with him to smoke a cigarette. Matt went with them. As soon as they were out the door Jessi and I sprang into action.

We knew it was almost time for her to take her pills, so we sped upstairs and took them off her nightstand while she was still sleeping. Then we waited. The moment she sat up in bed we pounced on her. We each took a side and held her up. She didn't even register that we were there, she only looked around the nightstand and the floor for her orange prescription bottle. "Where are my pills?" she asked in a hollowed out version of her voice.

"They're all gone now," I told her in the calmest voice I could muster. It was hard considering the atomic bomb I knew was about to blow up.

"You don't understand. I need those!" Her voice increased in volume and panic. I took a deep breath to steel myself. "Give them back! Give them back!" She started thrashing around, which only made Jessi and I hang on tighter. We silently signaled each other to move her into the bathroom. "Stop it! Stop! You don't understand! I want Brian! Where's Brian?! Brian!"

The fear and desperation in her voice was enough to almost make me let go. She really started fighting us at that point. I wrapped both arms around her to hold her to me as Jessi went over and started the shower. She came right over and we both immediately maneuvered her into it. She screamed. There were no words. Just horrifying screams. I tried hard, I really did, but I couldn't stop the tears that came from hearing how broken she was. I cast a quick glance to Jessi to see her in the same state I was.

I could hear a scuffle outside the bedroom door. Brian must have heard her, and come running, but Matt and Zacky were keeping him at bay. Erin tried to climb out of the tub three times, and every time we just shoved her back in. On her last attempt, she managed to catch a death grip on my shirt, so when we pushed her back in, I toppled in after her. We went sprawling to the bottom of the tub. Erin's eyes grew wide and she stopped screaming. She just sat there looking at me with a shocked expression while freezing cold water poured down on us. Then she did the most miraculous thing. She giggled. It was a split second, and if I hadn't been staring at her, I never would have noticed it, but it was there.

Then her face fell and she cried. She cried, and cried, and cried. I cried. Jessi cried. We cried for so long. Eventually, Jessi just went ahead and climbed into the stupid tub with us. I'm sure we looked pretty fucking ridiculous, but we didn't care. "I'm glad this worked," Jessi commented. "If you hadn't come around from this, I was gonna push you down the stairs."

Erin laughed right out loud that time. It was the best sound I'd ever heard at that point in my life. "I'm sorry, you guys. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to have to..." Tears came again and she could finish her sentence, but she didn't have to.

"I know," I told her, "I know. I wouldn't wish what you're feeling on my worst enemy. You're gonna come back to us, though. Right?" She nodded. That was all the answer I needed. I wrapped one arm around Erin, and my other around Jessi, and pulled them to me for a hug.

I'm not sure how long we sat there like that before Brian finally came barreling into the bathroom. I guess he was expecting to have to save Erin from us again, but when he saw her there, alert and crying, but at least with a smile on her face, he dropped to the floor in front of her and took her hands in his. "Are you okay?"

She shook her head at him. "Not really." At least she was being honest. "But I think I will be. I'm so sorry for how I acted. I probably gave you a real scare."

"It's okay," he told her. "I just wanted you to be alright. I just wanted you back. I love you."

"I love you, too."

I suddenly felt slightly voyeuristic. I felt like I was intruding on their moment, so I slipped out of the tub. With one last look over my shoulder to make sure she was really there, I left the bedroom to go dry off and change my clothes. Matt squeezed my hand as I passed him, but I was so full of emotion at that point, that if I accepted any more from him, I would have overflowed. I gave him a fleeting smile and left the room.