Dirt

I scurried to the spare room where Jessi and I had been staying, grabbed a change of clothes and a towel out of the bathroom, then fled downstairs to the powder room on the first floor. I figured Jessi could use the bathroom if she wanted, and I could also hide a little better from everyone else. At least for a minute. Once I locked the door I put the lid down on the toilet, where I proceeded to drop my face into my palms and silently cry. My whole body was wracked with sobs. I cried for Erin, and Brian, I cried because I had lost someone close to me, I cried because I just got someone back. Then I cried for no reason at all.

Once I got it all out of my system, I used the towel to dry my hair some and slipped out of my sopping wet clothes. I had just finished changing when someone knocked softly on the door. I already knew who it was, there was no need to even ask. I just leaned over and unlocked the door. Matt slipped in quickly and locked it behind him. He stared at me for the longest time. His stare was so intense it started to overwhelm me. He seemed to be looking for something in particular in my own eyes, and I wasn't sure I would be able to give it to him.

"I'm scared," I whispered. That was all I could give him at that time. I wasn't even sure what I was scared of. I was scared for Erin and Brian, who had just lost their baby. I was scared for my dad, who had just lost his best friend. I was scared because of the feelings I had for Matt, and the ones that I knew he had for me. I couldn't pinpoint which fear I was expressing at that time, though.

He took hold of my arm and pulled me to him. He engulfed me in a hug and I let him. I didn't fight it, I didn't stiffen, I just let myself get hugged by him. It was the first time in a long time that I felt warm, and protected, and loved. I lifted my face up to look at Matt. "I'm here, Ash. I'm not going anywhere. I just want you to know that I lo-"

He was cut off my someone else pounding on the door. "Ashlynn Carter! Get out here right now! I need you!" I smiled when Matt groaned and rolled his eyes at Jimmy.

"Be right out!" I yelled out to him and slipped out of Matt's arms. Truth be told, I was more than a little hesitant to do so.

"We're debating on what to get for dinner, and we need your vote," Jimmy told her. He looked over my head to see Matt coming out of the restroom I had just occupied, and waggled his eyebrows at me. I lightly slapped his chest and told him to forget it. It didn't wipe the smug look from his face, though. "Oh, we're talking about this later. Believe that!"

"So...why don't you talk about your mom all that much?" Johnny asked me a few hours later, after we'd had dinner. We were all sitting outside enjoying the weather. Even Erin had come down to join us. She still looked pretty withdrawn, but at least she was present.

I shrugged. "Not sure. At first, it was really hard to talk about her. After a while, I guess everyone just figured I didn't want to talk about her, so no one brought her up. I guess I don't know, really. She was pretty fucking cool, though."

"Yeah, she was. I used to wish she was my mom all the time," Jessi told me. "Do you remember what she used to do for our birthdays?" Erin shot me a glance and smiled at the memory.

"She was the best. She used to wake up the birthday girl with a big cupcake with a candle on top of it. Then everyone else would stand around the bed and sing happy birthday. Then she'd make a huge breakfast for the birthday girl. It was the greatest thing ever."

"She even would come over to our houses in the morning and make breakfast in our kitchens," Erin added.

"I never told you guys this," I informed the girls, "but after she kicked you guys out of my room to go make breakfast, she would always tell me how glad she was that she had me. She'd say, 'You're the best thing I ever did with my life'. I thought she was being cheesy and too sentimental at the time, but now...I'd give anything to hear her say it again. When she got sick, I was terrified. I just knew I was gonna lose her. She used to tell me to swallow the fear. She said it wasn't going to help any, so there was no point in having it. She said that the women in our family were strong, and that I was just like them. Right before she died, she sat me down and told me it was going to happen. She warned me that everyone was going to cry, and make a big fuss at the funeral, but that I had to stay strong for her. She told me that Pop was going to need me, and that I had to be okay for him. She told me how important it was to her that I move on and live my life. That she just wanted me to be happy." I wiped an errant tear and gave the group the best smile I could muster. "Anyway, she was awesome. From what everyone told me, she was a hell raiser in her day. Apparently I look just like her. Pop says I act just like her sometimes."

"I wish I could've met her," Jimmy said quietly. "She sounded like the best mom ever."

"She pretty much was." Erin sniffled and wiped her face. "I'm sorry," I told her quickly. "We can talk about something else."

"It's fine," she waved me off while standing up. "I've had enough excitement for the day, though. I'm gonna go to bed. I love you guys. I'll see you tomorrow." She bent down and gave Brian a quick peck on the lips. They said I love you's and she slipped inside and up the stairs.

A few days later, Matt and I had to go back home. My manager called and had to cajole me into coming back. I only left because I felt better about leaving Erin. She was up and about, and almost back to normal. She even promised to go see a therapist. Brian promised to keep me updated on all of her progress, and I had promised to come back as soon as possible. It was a tearful goodbye, but we eventually got in the car and drove home.

Matt was eerily quiet on the drive, and after a while, I took a nap. When I woke up, Matt was pulling into the warehouse. I was disoriented from the nap and had no idea why we were even there. When I asked him this, he only smiled and stepped out of the car. He came around to my side and helped me out, then held my hand while we walked inside. No one was around and the lights were off when we walked inside.

"Okay, really. What are we doing here?" I asked him as he flipped on the lights.

"I wanted to talk to you. I've been wanting to talk to you, but it seems like either it's not the right time, or we're never alone."

"So, you figured this would be the best place to talk to me?"

He nodded. "Yeah. This is the one place where I've seen you forget about everything going on in the outside world, and just concentrate on what's going on in here. I figured this was the best place to get you to listen."

I sat down in a chair and waited. "Okay, I'm ready."

He chuckled as he sat down next to me. "I'm pretty sure you already know. I'm in love with you. I don't think I ever stopped. You're the only person I think about. I haven't dated anyone else because no girl would ever come close to you. I know we talked about you trusting me again, and I can only hope I've been doing enough to show you that you can trust me. The only thing I don't know is how you feel about me."

This was my moment of truth. My heart started pounding in my chest, and I felt like I might pass out. Why was I so scared of this? Wasn't this what I wanted? I mean, sure, I had been denying it for a long time, but ultimately, this was what I wanted as well. I knew what I wanted out of the relationship, but Matt had never really been specific about what he wanted, other than me. I had to know for sure. "What do you want? I mean, where do you see us going?"

"I want to date you. Really date you, without all the illegal, crazy bullshit that happened before. I want to quit doing all the dirt, and get a regular job, and I want us to love each other like regular, boring ass people. I want us to move in together, and not what we're doing at you're apartment now. I want us to share a bedroom, and sleep in the same bed together every night. I want to marry you." That sentence almost knocked me on my ass. "I told you on my birthday two years ago. I'm going to ask you to marry me, and you'll say yes because I'll wait until you're ready, then I'm going to give you the wedding of your dreams. You'll probably cry at it. Then, I want to have babies with you. I want at least three. No more than six. If you want to work, you can, if you don't, I'll do whatever I have to, to legally support our family. I want you to be happy. I want to make you happy."

I just stared at him, dumbfounded. What could I possibly say that could rival that speech? 'Yeah, me too' just doesn't cut it. I must have looked ridiculous because I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing would come out, so I closed it right back up again. I did this several times before my brain shifted into gear. I was going to tell him that I wanted all those things too, but Matt spoke first.

"I just have one favor to ask you." I nodded at him, silently telling him to go ahead. "If you say yes, then we're immediately going to start sharing your bed. Like, tonight. I don't want to sleep without you anymore."

I took a deep breath and shook my head. "I can't do that." Matt looked so defeated, I almost backed down. But I just had to get one more dig in. "Your bed is so much more comfortable. We're sleeping in yours. We can use mine as a guest bedroom, or something. I dunno. We have the rest of our lives to figure it out. There's no rush."

Matt's smile was brilliant as he jumped up from the chair and scooped me up into his arms. He engulfed me in a huge bear hug before setting me back down on the floor. He cupped my face with both of his massive hands and lowered his lips to mine. The kiss was urgent, but sweet and gentle at the same time. He moved his lips against mine almost hesitantly at first, as if I was going to change my mind at any second. So I pulled him by his shirt to move closer to me, wrapping my arms around his waist.

When we broke the kiss I smiled up at him. "Finally!"

His face was priceless. "Oh, don't even act like you've been waiting on me this whole time. You know that I've been the one who-"

I stopped his tirade my reaching up and pressing my lips to his again. It was instant silence, and this time, there was no hesitation from Matt. He wrapped his arms around my waist and picked me up again, so that I was more eye level with him. I laughed as I pulled my face away and nuzzled it in his neck. I inhaled the scent that I'd missed so much, and as he set me back down again, I realized that I had nothing to be scared of. I was in love with Matt and he was in love with me. That was all that mattered. After that, we could deal with whatever obstacles and dirt was thrown our way.

We left the warehouse and drove straight home, where I went running into Matt's room and dived under the covers in his bed. He came strolling in a few seconds later with a triumphant smirk on his face. "That's what I'm talking about. I've been waiting for that to happen for a long time." He climbed into bed beside me and pulled me into his body. "Goodnight Ash. I love you."

I closed my eyes and let the comfort of the bed overwhelm me. "I love you, too."