Dirt

Consciousness was creeping up on me. I could feel it like that tingle that runs along your spine when you're being followed. I didn't want to wake up, because even in my semiconscious state, I knew I was in for an ass load of pain. I rolled over to try to get a more comfortable position, but I ended up smacking someone in the face instead. Holy cheese, what the fuck had I done?!

"Morning." Fuck my whole life, Matt was sexy sounding in the morning. His voice was all deep and gravelly. It was instant gas on a fire. Wait, why was I in bed with Matt? What had we done?

"Aw, monkey fucks and sweet baby Jesus. What did we do?"

He laughed. Still sexy. "Nothing. You were just really drunk, and I didn't really want you to try and get home like that, so I brought you to mine so you could sleep it off." I told him I didn't remember any of that, and he told me he wasn't surprised. "You drank way more that I'd ever seen a girl drink before. You're probably in serious pain right now." I asked him how embarrassed I should be, and he only laughed harder. "It wasn't that bad. You did say some things that you probably wouldn't have sober, but I liked it, so it's cool. You did make out with a drag queen, so there's that. Oh, and when I tried to put you to bed, you came running in here, got under the covers, and started yelling about how fucking comfortable my bed was."

I was laughing, but covering my face at the same time. "Wow. I was amazing last night. I think I vaguely remember making out with the drag queen. I'm also pretty sure I said some not so flattering things to you."

"Not really. You tried to be mad at me, but just ended up complimenting me in the process. I do think, though, that you have some pent up frustration that you need to talk about." I asked him what he meant. "Us," he said simply.

"Oh." I was a genius. "Listen, we don't have to. I was clearly not in my right mind, so it's cool."

"I want to," he said with a smile. "It's just, I'm not sure if I want to do the relationship thing. You told me last night that Zee told you about my ex, so you can understand that I'm not bullshitting you about this."

I held in the sigh I really wanted to make. "It's cool. I'm not trying to push you into anything. I just like hanging out with you, that's all. I was just frustrated because it seemed like you liked hanging out with me, too. I'm not saying we should pick out his and hers towels, I'm just saying, could you maybe come hang out with me more?"

He nodded. "That's fair. And I do like hanging out with you, too. I was just confused about things. But now that there's no pressure, I'm feeling better about the whole thing. So, do you want to go get some breakfast?" I agreed and we both got dressed and went to a little diner. Matt ordered pancakes, eggs, bacon, and hash browns, while I ordered some eggs.

After breakfast he dropped me off at Jimmy and Johnny's, since that was where my ride was, and promised to come see me the next day. He even gave me a little kiss goodbye. I was floating on air when I walked in the front door. But I was instantly brought down to Earth when I saw the looks on my friends' faces. I asked them what was wrong.

"Your phone's been off. It's been off since last night. We've been trying to reach you," Erin told me in a rush. She seemed worried. "Your dad called. He knows, Ash. He knows about everything. I don't know how, but he does."

I walked up the steps to my house trying to rehearse the apology I made up in the car. I had almost expected to find my dad steaming and ready to explode, but when I opened the door he was nowhere to be found. I quickly looked around downstairs, but when I couldn't find him I went up to his room. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, lost in thought. I softly called him name. He looked up at me for a small second then looked back down at the carpet. He didn't speak.

"Pop. I can explain. If you'll just listen-"

"No." He was eerily quiet. I didn't like the situation one bit. "You've had every opportunity to explain to me what you're about to. You chose not to do it. Now I'm choosing not to listen." I was dumbfounded. I had no words. I just stared slack jawed. "You broke my heart, kid. I thought that after your mom passed, that I did a pretty good job at picking up the slack. Didn't we have a pretty good relationship? Have I ever made you feel like you couldn't tell me shit?"

"No," I replied quietly. "Pop, I'm sorry. I'll tell you everything."

"You're damn right, you will. We're gonna sit down and have one hell of a chat. You can tell me all about lying to me so you could run off some nights and go sing in a club. I had no idea singing was that important to you. You can also tell me all about seeing the new guys that I specifically said to stay away from. Which one are you seeing?"

I hesitated. This was just too much. "The one named Matt."

"I know who the hell they are. They belong to MY club, remember? Their asses belong to me. You seem to forget that I'm the one with the power, here. I could make one phone call, just one call, and no one would be able to find their bodies again. Am I getting through to you?" I nodded. "That's good. I suggest you start talking."

I nodded and sat down on the floor in front of him. "Okay. Pop, I love singing. I love singing almost as much as I love you and mom. And I'm pretty good, too. I go sometimes to the club and sing on open mic night. It makes me so happy to do it. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, it's just...I don't know. After mom died, I would feel so guilty leaving you alone. I mean, I didn't want you to be by yourself, so I didn't even go away to college. I just stayed here so you could have someone else around."

I looked up into his eyes, and they had tears in them. I immediately started to cry. My father never cries. To see him so emotional made me automatically that much more emotional than I already was. "I sometimes forget how old you are. Or how old you were when Marie passed. I leaned on you too much. You were too young to know how affected I was by it. I never meant for you to feel responsible for me. Princess, if something is that important to you, why wouldn't you just come clean and tell me? I'd support you through anything."

"I know that, Pop. You just seem so sad sometimes. It's not necessarily that I feel responsible for you, it's just that we're family. Family doesn't leave each other. I couldn't leave to go chase some crazy dream that would probably never come true and leave you here by yourself."

"What makes you think I'm by myself? I have a huge extended family to keep me company. And don't ever say your dreams are crazy." He paused for a long time, far away in his head. "You've always been this way. You're always so quick to give up on your happiness to make sure everyone else is. Princess, I am not your responsibility. Do you really love to sing?" I told him I did. "Then you should sing. When is this next open mic night?" Tomorrow night, actually. He nodded his head as if he made a very important decision. "Then I'll go, too. I want to see this. I love you, and I want to support you."

I was thanking him when my phone started vibrating. He eyed me closely as I pulled it out of my pocket. It was Zee, and I was slightly confused, because he never really texted me. I looked to my dad. "It's Zack. He wants to know if he and the guys can come over and visit with you." Dad made a noncommittal sound at first, but then told me that would be fine, so I replied the same to Zee.

"Don't think I haven't forgotten about the second part of our discussion. What is going on with you and Matt?"

"How did you even find out about all of this?" He told me he had eyes everywhere. "Well, there's nothing really going on. He's really attractive, and I like him. I think he likes me, too, but we're not dating, if that's what you're asking." This only caused him to study me further. "I'm being honest, Pop. I've seen him a couple times, we went out on one date, and he's been a gentleman the whole time. There hasn't been any problems."

"We'll see about that. They'll be over in a while, and I'll make sure Wolf, Smokes, and I check out the whole situation. Especially considering the Brian one is all hot and bothered for Erin." I couldn't help but laugh at the way he said it, and asked him how he felt about Zacky and Jessi. "I'm not talking about Zacky and Jessi. I'm talking about you and Erin."

That was weird. Why were Matt and Brian questionable love interests, but Zacky was just fine? I didn't have time to ponder the situation too long, because after I took a shower and changed into my favorite sleep clothes, which consisted of some black and grey striped pants, my old Ramone's tee shirt, and my black kitten slippers, the doorbell rang. I wanted to run to go get it, but knew that the tenuous truce my father and I had meant that I had to let him handle this his way. I only hoped he didn't do anything too drastic. I slipped down the stairs as silently as I could a little while later, only to meet Zacky and Jimmy halfway down. Jimmy wrapped me in a big hug and told me he missed me. I didn't see how that was possible considering we had seen each other just a few hours ago.

"So, how bad has it been?" I asked them. Pretty bad, apparently, because Wolf and my dad left with Matt and Brian almost half an hour ago and they hadn't returned. I talked to Jimmy and Zacky for a little bit more, and I was about to go back upstairs and go to bed when the front door opened.

Everyone walked in and Matt shot me a smile. I followed behind him and we hesitated in the doorway to the living room. I quietly asked him how it went. He gave me a rueful grin. "We had better get married, because if we ever break up, I'm a dead man."