Dear You.

Dear You,

You can be really fucking nasty, do you know that? If I unleashed on you the way you have to me today, you'd be horrified. I know that I shouldn't take it from you, I should be stronger than that, and I don't know why I keep trying to go back to you.

Actually, that's a fucking lie, and we both know it. I keep trying because I still love you, and I know that underneath the anger, the person I fell in love with is still in there. That's what I can't get my head around - why are you so angry? I know that lately it's because of what I did after you left, but you've been furious for such a long time; where did it all come from?

Is it because I stopped talking about it so much? It's not that I was trying to ignore it, but I didn't want you to feel like that's all there was to you. It's such a consuming thing, I know, I've been there before, and I just wanted to show you that not everything had to change because of it. I tried to be there for you, and you know that I did. Like I said, I didn't want it to change everything in your life, because some things are allowed to stay normal.

I know that you think you hate me, but trust me, you're just angry. That will pass, and when you grow up a little, you will realise that we both made mistakes and that I am worthy of your forgiveness. Sure, you might hold true to your word and not call me, but this isn't really a big town, so we'll run into each other eventually. Besides, we have enough mutual friends to end up at some event at the same time.

The thing is, I could try again in a couple of months, despite how hurt I've been over the last few months and weeks. But I know that you're far too stubborn for that, sweetheart, so I guess I'll hold out for you for a while longer. We both meant the things we said, and that is what makes me believe that we will end up together again. That feeling is more true than the passing anger that we feel right now. You were my childhood sweetheart, and I know it's been fucking messy, but is there ever a clean way to break off a two-year relationship?

You know how much I regret what I did, and I guess that I'm hoping you will realise eventually that it was a mistake, and that you'll forgive me.

I'm so closed off at the moment, and no-one seems to realise that I'm just pretending my way through my days (or nights, rather, since my days are spent sleeping). The only person I don't feel like I'm pretending with is confusing the hell out of me, because it's way too early to like someone even if it's just a crush and nothing more.

Why the hell do you have to be like this? Why not try and have a clean slate?

Your ex.