I Will Try to Fix You

We all have a habit of ordering grilled cheese for lunch. I’m pretty sure it makes the cafeteria lady feel annoyed because she has to make one at a time in the little sandwich griller. It takes forever but none of us mind.

We head back upstairs and it’s visiting hour. I watch people’s parents come in and hug them day after day. I wish I had support from my family but I don’t. Pete’s parents are supportive of him and so are Haley’s. Brendon’s pretty much just frown at him the whole time they visit just like Bill’s.

“Brendon’s a good guy,” I tell Brendon’s mom as she walks in. She stops and looks at me strange like I just spoke a foreign language.

“Ok then,” she says and starts walking towards his room.

“Thanks for trying,” he smiles lightly at me then hurries after his mom.

Someone walks up behind me and says “Ryan.”

I recognize his voice instantly and I flinch. This isn’t real. This is a nightmare. He isn’t here. But he is…he’s really here. I turn and face him. “Hi Dad.”

We sit down in my room. “Are you coming home?” he asks me.

I shrug. “Maybe.”

“You better start acting right Ryan. I’m tired of your shit. You better get your ass to school and act like a man. You’re such a pansy ass. I don’t know how I ever got you for a son.”

“How’s it going in here?” Nurse Alex checks in on us, standing in the doorway.

I think I might throw up… “No,” I shake my head. I can’t speak. I can’t breathe.

“Are you okay Ryan?” Alex asks me.

“No,” I repeat.

“Is something wrong?”

“My dad. Ask him to leave. Please. Take him away,” I beg, backing up against the wall on my bed.

“Ryan,” my dad frowns.

“Please,” I beg Alex.

“Sir, I’ll escort you out,” Alex walks over to my dad and they leave together.

When he’s gone Alex returns to me. I quickly wipe away the tears falling helplessly down my face. “Thanks,” I tell Alex.

“No problem. Are you gonna’ be alright?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you come join the others? It will make you feel better,” he suggests.

“Okay,” I walk out to the main room. Brendon is sitting at the round table now with his parents. He waves at me and I walk over to him.

“This is my friend Ryan,” he introduces me to his parents. I sit down beside him. Did he really call me his friend? I don’t have any friends.

After the parents leave we have our regular group at night where we gather on the couches and say if we met our goals for the day that we make in the morning. The nurse woman tells me “Ryan, it says here you’ll be leaving soon.”

“What?” I’m totally caught off guard. Did I hear her right?

“You’ll be leaving soon. That must be exciting, right?”

“Oh…” I bite my lip.

We go to our rooms for the night. I can’t breathe again. The tears are back. I feel sick. Leaving soon? They want me to go home to my dad? No one will be there to escort him out when he gets angry. He’s probably going to beat me down for having him kicked out of here. I won’t have Brendon there either looking at me with his big brown eyes smiling reassuringly. I’ll be alone. I can’t do it. I can’t take it. If I go back there again all alone being pressured to go back to school where everyone hates me, being yelled at and hit by my dad, I’ll kill myself. I’d rather be dead. I can’t live like that. They’re really going to send me home now?

I look around the room frantically for something sharp. There isn’t really anything. I grab my hoodie, the one with the zipper and drag it across my wrist. I saw at my own arm until it bleeds. My pale skin turns bright red and it stings intensely. I yank my sleeve down then crawl into bed, hiding under the blankets.

The next morning Pete grabs my arm, trying to tug me to breakfast. I wince. “Is something wrong with your arm?” Brendon asks, concern showing on his face.

“No,” I lie.

He yanks my sleeve up and sees the cuts. His brown eyes widen. “You did that?”

I shrug.

“You have to tell the nurse,” he says.

“No,” I shake my head.

“Let me tell them then,” he offers.

“Okay…” I bite my lip.

The nurse bandages my arm for me and says “You’re going home today.”

“What?”

“You’re going home.”

“No!” I run back to my room and dive into my bed. This is horrible.

Nurse Alex comes and finds me. “Hey, what’s going on?” he asks, voice soft and sympathetic sounding.

“They want to send me home. I can’t go home. If I go home I’ll kill myself!” I sob.

“Whoa Ryan, are you serious?”

I nod. “Yes I am. I’m going to kill myself.”

“We’re not sending you home,” he assures me. “You’re going to stay right here.”

Once it’s settled that I’m staying thanks to Alex I manage to calm down. I talk to Brendon about it on our way back from the gym later. It’s pouring rain so a van has to come get us. It’s a smaller van and there’s not enough room for us all so we have to squish in together. “Don’t kill yourself Ryan,” he tells me. “I would be really upset if you did that. You’re my friend now. You’re cool, okay? I care about you. If you feel like killing yourself call me, okay? Don’t hurt yourself either.”

I can’t believe Brendon is saying this. He’s serious. “Thanks,” is all I can say. I’m shocked. No one’s ever said that kind of stuff to me before. No one’s ever really cared about me. I have a friend!

I look forward at the nurse and driver. They are in the front of the van and not looking at us. Brendon and I are partially hidden behind one seat. I hesitate then get up the guts and grab his hand. I blush shyly. My heart pounds nervously.

I should have asked if I could hold his hand. Does he think I’m weird? What if he doesn’t want me to hold his hand? What if this is like hand rape or something? I’m such an idiot.
He smiles at me, that gorgeous amazing smile. And I smile back. I have a friend!

We get back to the main room and sit on the couches. It’s Hayley’s turn to pick a movie. A nurse picked last time and chose Remember me with Robert Pattinson. It was not a good movie to play to a bunch of depressed kids in a mental hospital. We didn’t even get half way through it before someone turned it off complaining about ‘why do they even have that movie here? That’s terrible!’

Hayley picks Mean Girls with Lindsey Lohan. It’s kind of funny actually. I watch sitting beside Brendon and nibbling on graham crackers. I don’t know how things are going to go for me when I finally have to leave but for now everything’s pretty okay.