Broken Hearts and Broken Hands

Rain.
Heavy Rain.

Wind.
Ice-cold harsh wind.

Temperature?
 I have no idea. Feels like below zero to me.

Why I am outside and not in the bus?
I needed a break. Time for my own. Time to think. Time to get him off of my mind.

Get who off of-
JACK. Jack fucking Barakat.

---

"Alex c'mere!"
"Come! We'll play a round of 'spin the bottle'!"
I shrugged and played with them.

"The next to go has to get topless!!"
Everybody cheered as the bottle spun.
"ZACK!"
"I'm already shirtless!"
Another round. Jack.
"Jack take that BONER off!"
"WUHAA JAAACK!"
I smiled at all these comments as he finally took it off. I found myself chewing on my lower lip while he slowly got rid of it.
"Oh, Alex likes his view!" Danny chuckled and Jack did with him.
It was that kind of small laugh that drives me crazy. It was the one that makes my head spin like the bottle in front of me. 
"Why are you so quiet lately?" Rian brought me out of my thoughts.
I shrugged.
"I didn't realized I was, sorry."
"I think Alex has to do something now or he'll fall asleep!"
"No no, I'm fine."
"When was the last time you jerked yourself of, Lexy?" Jack said with a dirty grin.
"Uhh.... twodaysago..."
"That's a long time for you, you horny sack." 
The room was filled with laughter.
"I'm not that needy, you know that, Jack."
"Whatever you say," he winked.
I saw Evan laughing as he spun the bottle again.
"A shot to whoever it points."
Jack again. He drunk the liquid.
The bottle drove it's circles again.
I had to drink, then Rian, Jack,  Rian again, Danny and Evan was the last to go.

I didn't tell anybody about my feelings for Jack. Not a single soul. Like, could you imagine their, or even Jack's, reaction?
Well, I don't even want to imagine.

But this guy drives me insane.
Every part of him.
His dark hair falling into his long face, his eyes that are almost just as black, his laugh and his humor, the way he had always cared about me, had hold me when I wasn't feeling too fine.
But what I love the most is his smile.
Which is so innocent and lovely, hiding some dark and wild phantasies. The corners of his lips pull up a little and his eyes close just slightly.

"Let's get this a level higher!"
Rian left the game two rounds ago so only Zack, Evan, Danny, Jack and I were left in this stupid thing.
"Okay. Kissing now."
Jack smirked and spun the bottle on the table in front of us. We all watched it as it stopped on the legendary Danny Kurily.
"Kurily! You spin and choose who to kiss!" 
And he did just with Evans words. The bottle got slower and slower until it hit Jack. My Jack.
I followed both of their movements carefully. Both bended forwards until their lips met, filled with force, lust and softness. Jack rested his hand on Danny's neck as their moves got more willing and Jack begged for entrance with his tongue. I didn't know what Zack and Evan did during this but I couldn't get my eyes off of this kiss. They twirled their tongues together and played a quite stimulating game. I wondered how it's like to kiss Jack. Well, I kissed him plenty of times even on stage, but not this intensive, this wild and long.

Tears mixed with rain are running down my face as the throwback in my head feels like it's happening again.
I make a fist with all my power and yell random curses into the dark nothing.

"There we go!" Jack laughed after what felt like forever to me.

"Look at Alex. He was like hypnotized!" Cheers and laughters filled the room.
"Oh, Alex. Do you want some too? I knew you were a horny bitch."
I held my hands up covering my face. 
"No, I am fine. Just tired. I'll sleep now."
I stood up but a hand grabbed my wrist and pulled me back onto my stool. 
"What," I murmured.
"You stay here."
"But I don't want to..."
Jack was talking with anger and force while my mumbles were innocent and shy.
"But I want you to stay."
"Hmm... okay... 10 more minutes would be fine. But only if we stop this stupid game now."
Everybody shrugged and agreed.

I slap my wet forehead and curse one more time "I should have left!!"
I slam my fist as hard as possible against a tree and the pain shoots through my entire arm without hesitance.

"Let's play a video game maybe?" Evan suggested.
"I am in a team with Alex."
"Uuuh! The Jalex-Team."
A chuckles left my mouth and Jack started to laugh hysterical.
"Oh god. Stop with this stupid bullshit thing! I don't get why fans always make these weird crap up! There's nothing between us and there will never be something! I am straight. And this is just nasty. Me and Alex?! Never!!"
My eyes widened and my palms got sweaty as my heart broke in a million pieces at Jack's words.
"We're just friends. That's all. Am I right Alex?"
I gulped not knowing what to say.
"Oh my god guys! He was being serious about it!" Evan spoke up a little louder than necessary.
Then Jack just opened his mouth not knowing what to say or if Evan it actually right. 
"Is that true, Alex?"
"No! No it's not! Just friends!"
"Don't fucking shit me. I know you too well and I see you're lying right now."
"I..." A sigh left my mouth. "Yes."

I remember very well how I run outside in the cold just after my mouth let this one word, that ruined my entire life, out.
It's autumn.
And I'm freezing in the rain.

Where I am now?
No idea. Not a single clue. Probably somewhere in USA... or not...?

I sit down on a wet bench somewhere in a forest, immediately regretting it. But my feed and legs are numb from running, my eyes are numb from crying, my skin is numb from the water and the cold wind on it all in contrast to the heavy pain that shoots from my hand through my wrist and arm.

Suddenly I realize someone yelling.
"ALEX!!"
"Alex where are you man?!"
I closed my eyes and someone screamed "Oh Lord. HERE HE IS! GUYS HE'S HERE!"
Then this somebody sat down in front of me and I could tell from his voice that it was Matt Flyzik. 
"Dude, oh my god. We were just about to call the police. I almost got a heart attack, don't do this again okay? Please man. What if something really bad had happened? You know we are always here for you-" he hugged me during his non stop speech, "Oh fuck you're so cold. Zack can you carry him back? Dude, Alex, you were gone in this cold for almost two hours! We gotta check if you're alright. Hey I'm talking to you?"
I nodded. Nothing more.