A Crumby Story About Cinderella

Boy, I hated waking up every goddamn day just to work for my phony stepsisters and stepmother. I really do. My stepsister's names are Drizella and Anastasia, and my stepmother's name is Lady Tremaine. All I really did was get yelled at and clean for them and all. They never really did anything on their own. That killed me. It really did.

I remember overhearing my crumby stepsisters talking about some stupid ball that they were invited to along with my stepmother. They wanted to meet the prince and marry him, for chrissakes. Can you believe that? The ball was just one day and my stepsister wanted to marry him. Anyways, that whole day, I was thinking that I should ask old Lady Tremaine to go, but did I really have the goddamn time to go to a ball with a bunch of phonies? Though, I decided to ask anyways, and surprisingly, she said yes. I can't believe she did. Honest.

I had to finish my lousy chores before I could prepare myself to go, but I got them done anyways. So, I got all fancied up and all, then my goddamn stepsisters came in destroyed my gown! Man, that really killed me. It really really did. And because of those goddamn bastards, I had to stay home and work on these crumby chores. I was actually really depressed that I had to stay home. It would have been nice to get out of this house for a while, but nope.

I started to feel even more depressed and lonely. Everyone was out having a helluva, those bastards. And I was just stuck at home doing those goddamn chores. Boy, I was really depressed and lonely in that vacant house. Then all of the sudden, this goddamn fairy appeared out of nowhere. I'm not gonna lie, it scared the living hell outta me, but then she puts this blue dress on me. I was really confused by this point, but a bit intrigued. She said that I had to be home by midnight because my dress and all would turn back into my crumby clothes. I thought she was the lousiest bastard when she said she can take me to that ball, but she turned the goddamn pumpkins and animals into a horse with a chariot. That killed me. It really did.

So, I got in the chariot and the horse started to move. I couldn't believe I was actually going to this goddamn ball. I knew that there were gonna be the phoniest of all phonies there, but I wanted to have a helluva time as well. Plus, I was really depressed before, so I kinda needed this.

I finally got to the ball and I saw all of the wonderfully dressed people. I bet it was just a mask to cover up how big of a phony these people are anyways, but I can't really complain, especially since it's a royal event. I saw my lousy stepmother and sisters and I chose to ignore them. If I were to get caught, I would be in a helluva a lot of trouble. I really mean it.

I wasn't so depressed anymore, but I was a bit lonely. I mean, I went to the ball all by my goddamn self. I remember sitting there all awkward like, waiting for something interesting to happen, but then the friggin' prince comes up. Boy, I was shocked. We started dancing and all, and I actually started to like him a bit. I don't even know how long we danced for, because I had to rush out of the place because it was almost 12. I ended losing my goddamn shoe.

So, I ended getting back home and being scolded at by old Lady Tremaine, but I let it slide a because I had a pretty good time that night. I went to sleep and the next morning, the goddamn prince showed up at my house to see if he could find the owner of the shoe, which was me. I really mean it. Really. He ended up returning my shoe, which was a glass slipped. I was all nervous and all, but that killed me. I couldn't believe he had done that.

Lady Tremaine ended up breaking the slipper, but I did happen to have the other one. That bastard of a stepmother knew that the glass slipper belonged to me. How lousy of her to shatter it. So, anyways, I slipped on the other shoe and BOOM, it fit my foot perfectly. And because of that, the prince and I are now married.

Yea, yea, yea, I know it's hard to believe, but you gotta trust me. I'm being completely serious. I really am.