Your Life Is a Map With No Compass

Zack is happy tonight. He’s got a smile as wide as our tour bus and isn’t looking even remotely stressed, the slight breakdown from earlier this afternoon long since forgotten. He has a red sharpie in one hand and his shirt in the other, going shirtless even though it’s like one in the morning and fucking freezing. I never really understood why he never gets cold. It apparently has something to do with the autism stuff, but I’d never really looked into it. Reading isn’t my thing.
“Zee’s doing good tonight,” I hear Rian mutter as he comes up next to me, flashing his impossibly white smile at a pair of fangirls who can’t be older than fourteen. They squeal before running off in the general direction of Alex, who’s wielding his own silver sharpie, whispering in a girl’s ear and making her smile. I’m about to barge into the conversation to make sure he doesn’t end up stealing her virginity tonight, but stop when I see the scars that are covering her slim arms, the dark, tortured look in her eyes that is fading bit by bit as Alex talks to her. That’s what Alex does best. That’s the very reason he’s my best friend. He saves lives. He builds people back up again with one sentence. He cares about every single girl and guy that has ever listened to one of our songs.
“I know,” I reply with a smile. He’s posing for a picture now, his arm around a girl who’s holding her iphone out in front of her, that same tour bus smile filling every contour of his face. “It’s like a switch goes off, you know? This afternoon, I was borderline judging his sanity. But as soon as he gets up on that stage, it’s like normal Zack takes over, and for the rest of the night he could be any random twenty four year old douchebag on the street.”
“Thant’s a great way to put it, Jack,” Rian says with a snicker. He nods towards a girl who is practically dying to feel me up, and I grin at him and walk over, gently resting my hands on her waist as she feeds me some bullshit story about how her dog was cured of liver failure when she played him This is How We Do. Her boobs are so big that I’m practically motorboating them without even having to bend over, and she has an ass that I’m dying to squeeze. But just as I’m about to pull her into the alley on the side of the venue and press my lips to hers, I see Zack hugging a teenage guy who looks like he’s about to have a panic attack. And at that moment, I don’t care about whatever band slut is hanging off of me. I can only keep my eyes on the one boy whose green eyes are shining with pride and love. He’s beautiful, and all I want to do is pull him into my arms and kiss him until the day that I die.
***
Holy shit. This cannot be fucking happening. No. I am not attracted to Zack Merrick. Those thoughts that ran through my mind earlier tonight were just the caffeine from the three Monsters I drank talking. I don’t like him. It would never work out even if I did. Sure, I’ve messed around with a guy or two, but I would never actually have a relationship with them. They smell like shit and they hog the blankets and they eat like pigs.
But Zack smells like strawberry banana shampoo and fabric softener. He hates sleeping with blankets and actually knows how to cut meat with a steak knife. And he’s so pretty… NO! I don’t have a fucking crush on him! Come on Jack. Get those fucking thoughts out of your head.
Right before I climb into my own bunk for the night, I stop at Zack’s and pull the curtain back a bit, revealing the brunette in a pair of grey sweats and a tshirt that says “Dulaney Seniors 06’” across the chest. The blankets are, as per usual, pushed down to the bottom of his bunk, and his earphones somehow managed to get wrapped around his feet. He’s facing me, a look of calm covering his adorable face. He looks so peaceful sleeping. I wouldn’t mind sleeping with him tonigh- No! Get the fuck over it, Jack. It’s never going to fucking happen.
And with that, I drop the curtain and climb into my own bunk, Rian’s snores causing a welcome distraction from the amazing boy across from me.