Your Life Is a Map With No Compass

“Jack, Zack’s gone.” Those three words are enough to pull me away from the fan I was talking to and make me look at Alex. His eyes are wide and his breath is coming in short gasps and it sounds like he’s about to have a panic attack, which is exactly what I don’t need right now. Especially since the thirty fans that have been standing in line for the show since ten in the morning are staring at both of us with concerned looks on their faces.
I speak through gritted teeth. “What the fuck do you mean, ‘Zack’s gone?’” I know that we should probably get out of earshot of all the fans, but I have a feeling that that would be a very bad idea, with Alex the way that he is right now. Moving him isn’t an option.
“He, we were just sitting around the dressing room jamming with Jaime, and he went to the bathroom, but he didn’t come back and I’ve looked everywhere for him but I can’t find him and oh god Jack what did I do?”
“Alex, take a deep breath. I’m sure he’s here somewhere. But before I can go look for him I need to know that you’re going to be okay.” I can see fans holding up cameras and Iphones, and I know that both Alex and I are going to regret this later, when this is all over Tumblr. Proof that Alex Gaskarth really is a little fucked up.
“I’m, I’m fine we just have to find-“
“Jack!” Matt is all of a sudden at my side. He takes Alex’s hand in his. “Alex, come on, let’s go back inside, okay? Jack’s going to go find Zack, and I’m going to hang out with you.” Matt puts his hand on the small of Alex’s back and gently guides him to the front door of the venue.
“Look, guys, I have to go. I’m sorry, maybe I’ll be back out later.” The line of kids lets out a collective aw, and I give them a quick wave before turning on my heel and walking back into the venue, wondering where the hell Zack could be.

I find him hiding in a stall in the bathroom, both his feet up on the toilet so that nobody would know that he was in here if they looked under the door. There are tears streaming down his face, and there’s a pile of broken glass next to the toilet. His hands are scabbed and bloody.
“Zack, Honey, what did you do? What happened?” I close the stall door behind me and lock it, then lean down and wrap my arms around Zack’s neck. For some reason, it makes him cry harder.
“Zack, I need you to answer me. Why are you so upset, what’s the glass from?” I pull back and hold Zack’s face in my own, swallowing down a groan when he doesn’t answer. For the first time in my life, I am fucking tired of Zack’s breakdowns. He only gave me a day to recover from his last one, when he took a little break from the world, and now he’s giving me this one on a silver platter.
“Stop yelling at me,” he whimpers, struggling out of my grasp and going to lean against the door of the stall. “I don’t like it when you yell at me.” His hands go up to his hair and pull.
“Zachary, stop. Now.” I pull his hands from his hair and grasp his wrists in my own, hard enough to leave bruises. “Please just tell me what’s wrong.” He chokes on a sob as he once again struggles to get away from me. I just hold his wrists tighter.
“Jack, you’re hurting me. Let go.” Zack scratches at my arms, trying to get my hands off of him.
“Not until you fucking tell me why you’re crying!” There is a small voice in the back of my mind that is telling me that I’m being mean to Zack, really mean and I probably part of the reason that he’s crying, but for some reason I don’t listen to it. I’m sick of Zack’s problems.
“Jack stop!” I don’t know how I’m still holding onto Zack. I’ve seen his muscles. He could pull away from me and beat me up in a second. He weakly kicks me in the shins.
“Tell Me!” I’m shouting now, loud enough for anyone outside the bathroom to probably hear.
“He touched me and he’s dirty and he got me dirty and now you’re gonna get dirty because of me!” Zack has finally stopped struggling. He’s leaning against the door limply, tears still falling.
“Who touched you?” Zack just shakes his head. I decide not to press him on that. “And the glass?”
“He threw a beer bottle at me.” What? A beer bottle? Who the hell would throw a beer bottle at Zack? I swear when I get my hands on the fucker-
“Zack!” Rian bangs on the door of the stall. “Are you okay? I heard shouting.” I instantly let go of Zack’s wrists and he slides down the door to the floor. He covers his face with his hands.
“Rian, Jack hurt me.” His voice is muffled, but I hear the words clear as day. There are prominent red marks on his wrists, in the shape of fingers. They’re definitely going to bruise.
“No, Zack, I didn’t-“
“What the fuck, Jack, let me the fuck in! Rian bangs on the door. “What did you do to him?”
“I didn’t do anything! I swear.” I’m lying. I did do something. I didn’t just hurt Zack mentally, I hurt him physically too. Zack reaches up to unlock the door, then moves over so that Rian can come in.
“Zack, Sweetie, what happened? What did Jack do to you?” Rian sits down next to Zack and wraps his arms around him.
“He-he-“ Zack doesn’t finish, just holds up his wrist for Rian to see. “He, I was in here because I-I, something bad happened and then Jack came in here and he did this.”
“Zack, what happened that was bad?”
“He touched me and he got me dirty and then he threw a beer bottle at my head.”
Rian looks furious “Did Jack do that?”
“No, this guy who works at the bar.” I’m standing in the blink of an eye, ready to kill the motherfucker that did this. “He, I went to the bathroom and here was in here too and he was drunk and he made me-“ Zack is crying so hard that his whole body is shaking. “He made me do stuff to him and then he did stuff to me so I punched him and then he threw a beer bottle at me and left.”
Rian and I just look at each other. He did stuff to Zack. Oh God, oh God, oh God.
“I want to go home.” Zack buries his face into Rian’s chest and sobs. He flinches when I move towards him, and it hurts more than a slap in the face. “Rian, can we go home?”
Rian just looks at me and shakes his head, sadness and dissapointment covering his face. “Yeah babe. You can go home.”