Young Love ***

She could’ve sworn that night would never end. The night sky stretched out in an endless shade of inky blue, the stars aglow in such a brilliant blaze that she thought they’d never burn out. She would’ve been fine if the morning never came, if the sun refused to rise. If time had to come to a halt, this would’ve been the moment she wanted to keep forever. It was the night before everything came crashing down around her, before things between them got complicated.

It was the best night of her life, she just didn’t realize it until it was too late.

Just like she didn’t realize how much she loved him until he was gone.

They’d needed to get away from the city for a while, so on an impulse, they’d driven out to the desert in her vintage black thunderbird. It was the perfect escape, the only place where you could really see the stars without the distraction of passing traffic or the bright lights that leeched out the sky. There was a sense of serenity in the stillness, in being alone with their own thoughts while still being at each other’s side.

Her fingers stayed laced in between his, the warmth of his leather jacket blocking out the chill in the air as he held her close against his chest. Kendall was the only guy she’d ever let hold her like that. He was the only guy she’d ever trusted enough to let her guard down around. There was just something different about him that she couldn’t put her finger on, an optimism and warmth in his light green eyes that set him apart from all of the other jaded Hollywood stereotypes.

Though they lived in two totally different spheres, Kesha found herself drawn to him somehow. He had a recklessness about him that she just couldn’t deny, but it was countered by how completely genuine he was. Kendall wasn’t trying to be a badass, he wasn’t trying to be anything. He was just trying to live his life, and that was what attracted her to him.

As reckless as he may have been, he still didn’t hold a candle to her crazy nature. Still, Kesha found comfort in his reserved nature, in the concern that he had for her. In some ways, he had changed her life for the better, inspired her to channel her party girl ways into her music instead of allowing it to all spiral into self-destruction. She appreciated him for that, for his ability to see past her rough exterior to the vulnerable girl buried beneath. No one had ever bothered to before. To them, she was nothing more than the girl that drunk too much at parties, the girl that danced on tables, her makeup constantly smeared, skin coated in glitter.

There was a meteor shower that night, and the two of them counted each streak across the sky as they sat on the hood of her car. It was unorthodox, but they made their wishes on each shooting star in hushed whispers, each and every wish sealed with a kiss. As the hours passed, the two bottles of Captain Morgan between them began to dwindle, the taste of liquor lingering on their lips as they kissed in the dark. Between kisses, they laid on their backs across the hood of her car, playing connect-the-dots in the stars above them. She taught him all the constellations she knew, and though he didn’t voice it, she could tell he was impressed. Not many people knew she was smarter than she looked. She still had some brain cells she hadn’t drank away.

Kesha was all too accustomed to people underestimating her, but with Kendall, she couldn’t help but feel a little proud those moments when she exceeded his expectations. There was this underlying desire in her to prove to him that she wasn’t a lost cause, that although she was damaged, she was still capable of love. She’d never admit it, but she needed to prove it to herself as well, that she could be a part of a healthy relationship.

All she’d ever known were flings and one-night stands, inebriated hookups in the backseat of cars, but she wanted so much more. Even though it went against her nature, she hoped for the future that every little girl dreamed of. She wanted to get married one day, to have a family. Knowing her, it wouldn’t be conventional in the slightest, but she did have hopes of settling down, and the more she pondered the matter, the more she envisioned Kendall as being a part of that future.

That night, they’d slept off their buzz in the backseat of her car. She’d never felt as safe as she did that night in his arms. It was cramped and uncomfortable, but it felt like home, his grip firm and secure around her shoulders. Every inch of his tall and lean frame seemed to curve around hers, his breath coming in waves against her blonde hair. They were nestled so close that she could hear his heartbeat, slow and steady in his chest, the perfect lullaby. Enveloped in his arms, she finally let her eyes drift close.

That lullaby was missing now, and Kesha realized just how silent her bedroom was as she was suddenly thrust out of her dreams. A glance to the clock on her nightstand confirmed the time, one of those awkward early morning hours when it was still too early to wake up but too late to be able to get any decent sleep. For an instant, she considered hauling her exhausted ass out of bed, trudging into the living room, and plopping down on the couch. Surely some late night infomercials could lull her back to sleep, but she just couldn’t pull herself out of bed.

Honestly, she couldn’t stand to risk dreaming of Kendall anymore. Her heart couldn’t take it, constantly shifting from that feeling of being at peace only to realize that her life was in shambles.

A hand reached for her phone off the nightstand, and a part of her knew why, months after their breakup, she still couldn’t shake him from her thoughts. Souvenirs from their time together still hung around, making the absence of him feel as if it invaded every inch of her being. A picture of the two of them taken at a party still sat framed on her nightstand, a photo of him blowing her a kiss was still set as her background picture on her phone, and she still kept a guitar pick from one of his shows on a chain around her neck. In the back of her mind, she knew she’d find some closure in it all if she ridded her environment of every trace of him, but she was still at the point where she couldn’t bring herself to do it. That ritual cleansing only meant that the split was permanent, and there was still a part of her that didn’t want to admit that it was over, that she had lost him.

Every bone in her body ached to call him, to tell him that she had fucked up, that she loved him and that was all that really mattered. They could make this work, she’d tell him with that broken waver in her voice. She wanted to let him in, but she knew if she called him, she’d finally break down, and she refused to let anyone see her like that.

Her stupid pride was what kept them from being together.

The truth was, she had freaked out. Everything with Kendall was so new and so unknown that when things became serious, she freaked out. He was too clingy, he was suffocating her, she was the girl that was too wild to ever be tamed. Those were the things that she told herself, the excuses she made in order to rationalize breaking his heart.

But being without Kendall wasn’t as freeing as she had imagined. All she was left with was an empty bedroom and an unshakeable loneliness.

In some other life, maybe they’d still be together. Instead of lying in bed alone, blue eyes staring at the ceiling above, maybe she was snuggled up in the bed in his apartment across town. The smell of his fresh white sheets was still embedded in her brain, the only thing in his cluttered apartment that he constantly kept clean. The musky scent of his cologne clung to the cotton, and whenever she slept over, that comfortably familiar scent felt as if it was surrounding her. On those nights, she didn’t feel suffocated or tied down, she felt hopelessly in love, dizzy from the feeling.

It was the best high she’d ever experienced, and now she was experiencing the withdrawals.

She missed the way that his bare skin felt against her own. Instead of being sweaty or foreign like with any other guy, it felt natural, being completely exposed with him. In some strange way, his body felt like just another extension of her own, and she couldn’t help but think of that cheesy soul mate theory, of how we were all supposed to be just one half of a whole, doomed to wander the earth in search of our other half.

Kesha was lucky enough to have found that other half in Kendall, but she took it for granted.

The harsh glow from her cell phone’s screen illuminated the space, making her squint her eyes against the glare as she held it in her grip. All she could think of was the way his lips blended into hers, the prickly feeling of his stubble against her skin, that adorable way that he smiled into every single kiss.

She was stupid for pushing him away, but she’d be even dumber if she didn’t take this chance to follow her heart.

A thumb pressed the letter K on her keypad, and his name was the first to come up on the screen. The slow ring over the airwaves seemed to echo in her ears as she held her breath, her teeth gnawing at her lower lip.

She knew she was taking a risk, but he was a risk worth taking.