The World Is Ugly

 
When I first saw her, the first word that popped into my head was "Perfect" and then the second one was "Beautiful. Both those words were understatement if I was trying to describe her.From the moment I saw her, I knew I liked her. I liked the way she dressed, and I loved her hair, and the way she walked, and talked. She was just perfect.
            There was only one problem, and that was that I lived at Claremont Mental Institution. She didn’t. I first saw her when she was visiting meth guy.
            Bert McCracken was an extremely messed up and twisted person. He’d done more drugs in his teen years than most addicts did in their life. Everyone at the mental institution knew him as “meth guy”. He was admitted into CMI for rehab, but he had to stay there because he’d lost so many brain cells and he had anger issues.
            I was Gerard Way. Crazy pale skin. Dark black chin-length hair. Hazel eyes. There was nothing exciting about me. Before I was admitted into Claremont Mental Institution, “The Most Trusted Mental Institution in the Universe”, I went to Belleville High School in Newark, New Jersey. I never talked to any of the people there. All they cared about was money and looks and parties. Girls would call me, but I was never interested in any of them. I had one friend, Frank Iero.
            Frank was small. He was about 5’4”. He was always wearing fingerless gloves with a skeleton type of print on them. He was my age, seventeen, but he had at least four tattoos. I liked his tattoos.
            We argued a lot. He harassed me and called me names and said I wasn’t good enough for anybody. He won some of the arguments. I won most of them. We fought a lot, but I liked having him around. I liked talking to him. He was my best friend.
            My parents didn’t approve of my friendship with Frank. They tried to keep me from talking to him. They took me to Dr. Madalyn Cary. She took me to other people. They all decided to take me to live at CMI.
            Claremont Mental Institution was a fancy place. Most patients had their own room, and there was a very large area in the back where patients were able to go outside and enjoy their time. They only hired the smartest therapists and psychologists. Most of the people who worked there were friendly, but there were other who were quite rude. Overall, I liked the place, though.
 
 
           
            It was visiting day. My parents never came to visit me. They never sent any letters or came for Christmas. They missed my eighteenth birthday. I erased most memories of my family. I couldn’t remember much of them. I hid the memories way far back in my mind.
            I never had anyone to see, but I spent every visiting day with Ray and Bob and their parents. They weren’t exactly my friends, but they were some real nut-cases so I liked watching the entertaining conversations that they always got into. I think I was considered a friend to them, however.
            Ray was a few years older than me. I believe he was about twenty one or twenty two. He talked to random objects. He said they gave him secrets about things.
            Bob was older than me by around six months. So he was eighteen or nineteen. I don’t know what was wrong with Bob, but he was just weird. He talked about the most random things, and did the weirdest things. He was pretty screwed up.
            I was sitting with Ray, Bob and Ray’s mother who was showing us a bracelet her boyfriend had gotten her.
            That was when I first saw her.
She walked in with her face glued to her phone. Her hair was half way down her back and it was an extremely dark shade of black, like mine. When she looked down at her phone, you could see how long, dark, and thick her eyelashes were. She was wearing black Converses, black skinny jeans with holes in the knees, and a Green Day shirt.
            She sat down next to meth guy and started talking to him.
            “Gerard?” Ray said.
            “Oh, yeah, sorry, what?”
            “My mom’s leaving for a dentist appointment now.” He said.
            We all got up and said our goodbyes, and she left.
            “Is she new here, or what?” I asked Ray, nodding my head at the girl.
            “Nope,” he began, “I think its Bert’s sister. She was here last Thanksgiving, before you got here.” He told me. “What time is it? I’m hungry.” I looked at the clock.
            “Twelve thirty.”
            “Me and Bob are going to go eat, you coming?”
            “No, I think I’ll stay here a while.” I told him. He left, and I sat back down. I picked up a magazine, and I pretended to read it. I glanced up at her every one in a while. She caught me twice. She was beautiful. I don’t understand how she and meth guy were related.
            After a little while, they both got up to eat. I followed a few minutes later. I didn’t get any food, but I sat down in front of Ray, which gave me a nice view of the girl.
            She ate her food, said goodbye to Bert, and exited the building.]
            Bert sat there, alone, for a little while before one of the therapists came to get him.
            They began to talk, and they passed by my table. I caught the words “sister”, “parents”, and “moved”. I hoped she wasn’t moving, I wanted to possibly get to know her.
 
 
            I lay in bed that night, thinking about her. Wondering how it was possible that someone as beautiful as her could be related to somebody like Bert McCracken. I fell asleep really late. Tomorrow I had my weekly visit with Heather. She was supposedly there to help me, but I didn’t feel it was working. She was nice, though. When I first met her, anyway.
 
 
 The next day at two-thirty in the afternoon was my appointment wiht Dr. Heather Hernandez. I don’t believe that there was good reason for me to be in that psych ward. I think Heather agrees with me along with all of the people who work there. I was trusted there. They let me wear what I want, including ties and belts, they let me shower when I wanted, I was allowed to listen to music of any genre, and I only had to visit Heather once a week instead of every day. I had self-control, patience, and I wasn’t violent. Heather knew that. Everyone at CMI knew I wouldn’t hurt anyone or do anything to hurt myself.
            I walked into her office.
            “Good afternoon.” She greeted me.
            “Hi.”
            “How are you feeling today?” She asked me.
            “Fine. Just like any other day.” I answered.
            “You do realize that I am required to keep an eye on you, even when you aren’t in my office? You seemed extremely jumpy yesterday. Is something wrong?”
            “What do you mean by ‘jumpy’?” I asked her. I knew what she meant. It was Helena. I just seemed nervous to be around her.
            “Nervous, paranoid, anxious. Have you talked to Frank?”
            “Not for a couple of weeks. I told you about it when it happened though. Does it matter? You say you can’t see him anyway.”
            “But you say you can see him. So it does matter, Gerard. We’ve been over this. You have schizophrenia. He’s not there, but it matters if you see him.”
            “You always tell me that. I’m pretty convinced he’s real. I just haven’t talked to him in a while, that’s all.” I said it a bit too defensively.
            “Gerard, you take medicine for a reason. To keep you safe. To keep Frank from you. As long as you take medicine, he won’t talk to you and most likely he won’t ever show up.” She explained.
            “I still see him sometimes.” Frank and I fought, but I liked seeing him.
            “Gerard every time you see him, you let me know, got it?”
            “Yes ma’am.” I lied. There was a bit of an awkward silence for a minute or so while she looked through her desk fro something. She wrote something on her calendar.
            “Next Monday. Two-thirty. Be here.” She said.
 
 
            I pretended to swallow my medicine for a couple of days. I wanted to talk to Frank.
           I was lying in bed. It was ten-thirty. I couldn’t fall asleep. I hadn’t seen frank in a while, and I wanted to see him now. As much as we fought, he was my only friend. I trusted him.
            “You like her?” Asked a familiar voice.
            “No.” I lied. I sat up in my small bed.
            “Liar.” Frank said. I stared at him. The room was dark, but he was sitting on a chair where the moon shined on him.
            “You think she’s pretty.” It wasn’t a question.
            “Beautiful.” I corrected him. “How do you know this?’ I asked him.
            “I’ve been around.” He smiled at me. I smiled back. He got up from the chair and sat next to me on my bed.
            “You’re never around anymore.” I told him.
            “I don’t like being around you when you take your medicine.”
            “Why not?”
            “Because you turn into a completely different person. You aren’t the Gerard I like to be around. You always ignore me.”
            “I’m sorry.”
            “I thought I was your best friend.” He looked down to the floor. I felt bad for him. I was forced to take daily medicine that was supposedly going to stop him from being around. I didn’t always want him around. He could be really mean, but sometimes, I did like to have some company.
            “You are. I didn’t know I was making you feel bad. The last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt you. I’m sorry.” I told him. I meant it. Frank could be really nice to me, and I didn’t want him to leave forever.
            “Quit taking it. The medicine.” He said.
            “But I have to. Heather said it’d keep me safe.”
            “She’s lying.”
            “Then why do I need to take it?”
            “Because she knows I hate it when you do. She knows it drives me away.”
            “But she says she doesn’t know you. She says she can’t see you.’
            “She's lying. She just doesn’t want you around me.”
            “Why?”
            “Gerard, do you remember when you went to Belleville, and all those girls would call you?”
            I nodded.
            “Gerard you're hot, okay? Everyone likes you. You are an extremely attractive person. Heather thinks so, too.” He said.
            “So?”
            “She’s jealous. She’s jealous that I’m your best friend and that I’m always with you. She wants you for herself, so she doesn’t want you to be with me. that’s how everyone feels.” He told me. “If you want me around, stop taking the medicine.”
            “Okay.” I said.
            “Now go to sleep,” he said.
 
 
The rest of the week was normal. I stopped taking my meds altogether, so Frank came around every night. We got along better than how we used to. We’d mostly talk about how random Bob and Ray were, or laugh together about something that had happened during the day. We had a few conversations about the girl.
 
 
            Sunday finally came around. Visiting day. I always dressed nicely with black nice pants and a button-up shirt. Today after I got out of the shower, I wore my usual black pants, but this time with one of my newer black button-up shirts, and a red tie. She didn’t know who I was, but I wanted to look nice for Bert’s sister.
            I saw meth guy as I walked out of the bathrooms. I followed him quietly and stayed about fifteen feet back. He walked into the main rec. room. I sat down on the other side of the room just waiting to see her perfect face. She walked in about twenty minutes later. She was wearing the same black shoes and black pants, and she was wearing a different shirt. Fallout Boy. One of my favorite bands. I enjoyed her taste in music.
            She sat down next to her brother. They talked for a few minutes, and then she kind of pointed my way. She and meth guy got up. They walked over to where I was and sat down. I looked down.
            “This… uhhh, this is…” Meth guy waved his hand in my direction.
            “Gerard.” I finished for him.
            “Gerard…” He said.
            “Way. Gerard Way.”
            “Okay, Gerard Way, you looked alone so my sister thought it’d be good idea to keep you company.” He said.
            “I’m Helena Grey.” She said. She offered me her hand. I shook it happily.
            “I thought your brother’s last name was McCracken?” I said.
            “I was a foster child.”
            “Was?” I asked.
            “I’m eighteen now. I’ll be nineteen in February.” She said.
            “I’m eighteen too. I’ll be nineteen in April, so you’re a couple of months older.” I said.
            “Cool. I just started visiting Bert last week. Our parents moved away to Florida, so I’m the only person left who can visit him.” I prayed that’s what Bert and the lady had been talking about last week. I hoped it was only their parents that left. I didn’t want her to leave.
            “I miss mom and mom and daddy and mom.” Bert mumbled to himself. He was just so confused. Too much brain damage.
            “I do, too.” Helena said to him. “I’m probably going to be seeing you soon, Gerard. I’m going to be working and here as part of my college studies.”
            “You're smart?” I asked.
            “I guess. I want to be a psychologist.” She told me.
            “Then you're very smart.” I said.
            “Aww thanks.” She answered.
            “I’m going to the bathroom.” Meth guy said. He got up and walked away.
            “I’ll be right here.” Helena told him.
            After he left, there was a bit of silence.
            “You like music?” I said pointing to her shirt.
            “Yeah, I do.” She said with a smile.
            “What’s your favorite band?” I asked her.
            “Fallout Boy. Yours?”
            “I like Fallout Boy, too. And Panic! At the Disco. And Green Day. And many more. I don’t know, I guess I don’t have just one favorite band.” I said.
            She smiled. She had a perfect smile. It was beautiful.
            We talked for a while, and I learned that she liked to draw and sing, like me. She sang lead vocals in a band she was in with a few of her friends.
            “Where’s Bert?” she asked a while later looking around.
            “I’m not sure.” I looked around. I found him sitting and talking to Bob. “Oh, there he is,” I said pointing to him.
            Helena looked at her clock. “Oh shoot! It’s late! Gerard, it was really nice meeting you, I’ll be here tomorrow to start volunteering. I think I’m only going to be a monitor for now, so I’ll see you around. Bye!”
            “Bye, it was nice meeting you, too.” I told her smiling.
            She got up, said goodbye to meth guy, and left.
 
 
            “You talked to her!” Frank said with excitement that night.
            “I know! Her voice! It’s so perfect; I could listen to her talk all day! I wish I could hear her sing!” I told Frank.
            “Well done, friend! Wow, you were never interested in anybody at Belleville. Why Helena?”
            “Because Helena is beautiful, and she’s smart! She’s coming to work here tomorrow! And she has excellent taste in music, and she can sing, and draw, like me!”
            “Well good job on talking to her!”
            “Thank you. It’s late Frank. I’m going to bed now.” I told him.
            “Okay, goodnight.” He said. He walked out the room and shut the door behind him.
 
 
            Heather called me into her office the next day.
            “I think you should go out more, Gerard.” She said.
            “What do you mean?” I asked her.
            “You can go shopping, hang out with friends, eat out, etc. and I’m giving you a certain amount of time. If you come back within the time, you have that freedom, and you earn more time. I’m trusting you, Gerard.”
            “Yes, ma’am. When can I start going out then?”
            “Starting tonight. Or whenever. It really doesn’t matter. You’ll have a tracking device in a bracelet. You have two hours for now.”
            “Thank you. So much.” I said. I was going to spend that time with Helena. I knew it.
 
 
At lunch, I saw Helena with another psychologist. She was talking to her. I think her name was Dr. Simmons, but I wasn’t sure. Dr. Simmons left. Helena walked towards me.
            “Hey there!” she said. She smiled. She wasn’t wearing her usual clothes. She was in a suit.
            “Good afternoon.” I told her.
            “Have you seen my brother? My parents wrote him a letter and I want him to read it.”
            “Yeah, I think he’s still in line for lunch.” I told her.
            “Well I’m on my lunch break, too. May I join you?” she asked.
            I got butterflies in my stomach. “Sure, go ahead.” I pulled out a chair for her to sit.
            “Well aren’t you a gentleman?” She looked and smiled at me. I smiled back at her. She was just so perfect.
            Bert, Ray, and Bob sat with us minutes later. Bert read the letter. His parents had just arrived to Florida and were still unpacking. We ate our lunch. Minutes later, Bert, Ray, and Bob left to go throw away their trash.
            “Gerard,” Helena said.
            “Yes?”
            “I hope I’m not bothering you by asking this, but do you work here?”
            I stayed quiet for a while. “No.” I said.
            “Oh.” She looked down. “I’m sorry I asked. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad or anything, it’s just, you seem so… mature. You seem like you work here rather than live here.”
            I looked at her. “Thank you,” I said. “My brain doesn’t work like everyone else’s. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. That’s why I’m here. I’m patient though. I don’t have a bad temper. That’s probably why you think I’m mature.”
            “Well honestly, I don’t think you’d belong here. As long as you take your needed medications, you should be fine. I promise.” She looked at her watch and got up. “I need to get back now,” she said, “nice seeing you again.”
            “Bye, Helena.” I said smiling.
            “Bye, Gerard.” She smiled back.
 
 
            For the next few days, I began taking my medicine again. I hadn’t known Helena for long, but she was smart, and I trusted her. I began thinking. Helena hadn’t spoken to Heather, had she? I know she hadn’t. And she’s smart. She knew what I should do.
 
 
            I saw Frank once after I started taking my meds again.
            “Gerard, you can’t trust her.” He told me.
            “Yes I can.” I paused for a second, “Frank, are you real?”
            “Of course. What makes you think I’m not?”
            “Everyone says that I’m imagining you.” I told him.
            “You aren’t. I’m your best friend. You can trust me.”
            “Frank, I don’t know.”
            “Gerard. I can’t even believe you. You think I’m not a person? I have feelings. It hurts me that you're saying you don’t trust me! This is what the medicine does to you. It has you thinking things.”
            “Frank, I just don’t know! I don’t know who to trust! That’s why I’m here in the first place. Because one thing I remember about my family is that I always screwed up. I remember getting into trouble at school. And I remember always being afraid! I remember when they diagnosed me with schizo, and I remember when they told me how bad my paranoia was. I was always afraid you were going to hurt me! And you’d call me names! I know you're bad for me Frank.” I broke into sobs.
            “Gerard, I’ve known you longer then anyone here, you should trust me. I know you better than anyone.” He said in a calm tone.
            “Every time I’m with a doctor, your name comes up. Why?”
            “Because, Gerard, they want to hurt you. They try to make you think that I’m a bad person.”
            “What do you mean?”
            “Remember those guys that put you in a trash can in middle school?”
            “Yeah,” I answered.
            “Those aren’t the only cruel people out there. There are more bullies. I want to protect you, Gerard. They wan to hurt you.”
            “Why?” I asked.
            “Because life isn’t fair. I want to stop them.” He walked out after he said that. I continued to take my medicine for a while.
 
 
            “Helena,” I said a couple of weeks later when she sat down to eat with me again. I’d been working for Heather for a long time by watering her plants, getting her coffee, and stuff like that. I’d earned $76.23. I wanted to go out with Helena. I took me a while to decide on what. I knew she liked to bowl and skate at the roller rink. I couldn’t skate. So that left me with bowling.
            “Yes, Gerard?” she looked at me.
            “Heather said I’m allowed to leave here, for three hours a night. She said I’d earned enough trust. And well, I wanted to know, if maybe, you would possibly like to go bowling with me? Just us.” I asked her. I was so nervous.
            She smiled. “Yes, I’d love to. Is tonight good?”
            “Yeah, I was thinking maybe tonight,” I said, “I remember there’s a bowling alley a couple of blocks from here. Is it still there?”
            “Yeah, it’s there. I leave here at five, so I’ll go home and get ready and then some back here at six-fifteen-ish?”
            “Yeah, that’s great!” I said.
            “Alright, well I better get going, see ya tonight!” she smiled and walked off.
            “Bye, Helena.” I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I, Gerard Way, had a date with Helena Grey.
 
 
            At four that evening, I walked to Dr. Hernandez’s office. I knew I should have asked her ahead of time, but I just now letting her know about my plans.
            “Heather?”
            “Yes, Gerard?”
            “Can I go out tonight?”
            She looked surprised at my question. “Where are you going?”
            “Bowling.” I replied.
            She looked at me. “With?”
            “A girl.”
            “Who is this lucky lady?” she asked with a smile.
            I blushed. “Her name is Helena.”
            “Helena Grey?” Heather asked.
            “Yeah, that’s her. I asked her to go bowling with me. And she said yes. You gave me two hours, right? I’ll be back before nine. We’re leaving at six-thirty-ish.”
           “Good choice. Helena is a fine young lady. Very kind. I trust her. She works here. I know I can trust the both of you, so I’ll change your curfew to ten.”
            I looked at her with joy. “Really? Oh my goodness, thank you so much!”
            “You're welcome.” She said smiling at me. “Come back before you leave for the bracelet.” She said as I was walking out the door.
           
 
            I got in the shower and got dressed. I usually didn’t wear jeans, but I thought black jeans would be a good idea, along with a black v-neck shirt. I made sure my hair was perfect. I was ready by 5:50.
            I went to Heather’s office. She put a bracelet thing on me and told me not to take it off, and then she locked it onto my wrist, so I couldn’t take it off even if I’d tried.
I went to the front of the building where parking lot is and I waited. She got there a few minutes early. She was wearing newer black Converse with neon blue shoelaces. She was wearing black skinny jeans, but these hadn’t been worn out, and she was wearing an All-Time Low shirt. She looked stunning.
            “Hi!” she greeted me.
            “Hello.” I said.
            “Okay, let’s go.” She said.
            We walked out of CMI. I was almost never out in the parking lot. Only a few times to water the flowers. In almost a year, I hadn’t been outside of CMI, unless you count the small park in the back. But that was still CMI property.
            “You look really nice.” I told her while we were walking.
            “You do too. I almost never see you in jeans.” She said.
            “I like wearing nice clothes, so that’s what I normally wear.”
            “You look nice either way.” She told me.
            “Thank you,” I smiled, “You do too. I usually just see you in a suit now.”
            “Because I have to be dressed nice when I work.” She said.
            “Well you look pretty either way.” I said. We were finally at the bowling alley, and it was almost empty. I paid for a game, and for our shoes. And then I bought food.
            “This is so much better than the food in the cafeteria,” I said while eating a cheeseburger.
            “I agree. So much.” She said.
            “I miss having regular fast food.”
            Helena laughed. “I like fast food. As fattening as it is, it just tastes so good.”
            “Agreed.” I answered.
            When we finished eating, we started the game. She went first. I was glad I wasn’t first because I hadn’t been bowling in over a year and I used to be good, but I highly doubt I was anymore.
            She got a spare. And then it was my turn.
            I got a spare. I guess I wasn’t too bad.
            In the end, we played two games. The first one, she won by four points. The second one, I won by one point.
            I had a really nice time. We laughed a lot. One of her turns, Helena fell down when she was walking. It was cute when she laughed at herself as I helped her up. I’d known her for around three weeks, but that’s all it took for me to really like her.
            We were walking back to CMI at around 9:15, after the bowling alley kicked us out because they were closing.
            “I had a nice time, Gerard.” She said.
            “I had fun, too. Thank you for coming.”
            “Thanks for asking me, I needed to have some fun.” She said.
            I thought I’d heard something. I looked up a bit. Frank was there. I ignored him. We walked quietly for a few seconds.
            “Don’t trust her.” Frank said. I looked up quickly.
            Helena must have sensed I was nervous, so she held my hand. We stayed quiet.
            “Did you walk here Helena?” I said as we got closer to CMI.
            “Yeah, I did.” She replied.
            “How far was it?” I asked.
            “About fifteen minutes.” It was about 9:25
            “Helena, I’d feel more comfortable if I walked you home. It’s too dark for you to be alone.”
            “That’s fine, I don’t really like walking alone anyway, thanks.” She said. She was still holding my hand.
            We got to her house. The outside of it was pretty. It wasn’t huge, but it looked like a really nice place to live. There was a small garden of flowers in the front, and it looked really pretty.
            “Mom and Dad didn’t sell the house before they moved. They left it for me. It’s pretty sweet of them. They said they’d pay the bills for it too, until I get a real job and finish school.” We walked up to her porch.
            “That’s really nice of them.” I said, “Well, I need to get back.”
            “Goodnight, Gerard.” She leaned in and gave me a peck on the cheek.
            “Goodnight, Helena.” I said.
            I had begun to walk home for a few minutes when I saw Frank standing by a street light.
            “I told you not to trust her.” Frank said furiously.
            “I’m not going to listen to you. I know I can.”
            “And what makes you think so?” He asked.
            “I feel safer with her than I do with you, Frank. I know you can hurt me. And I know you want to.”
            “I don’t. And I wouldn’t.” Frank stared at me.
            “Go away, Frank. I don’t even know if you’re really a person.”
            “I am. And I’m your best friend. You should trust me.”
            I stared at him. I felt as if I was betraying my best friend, but on the other hand, if I did trust him, I knew I was just hurting myself.
            “Leave.” I told him.
            “Fine. But I won’t be completely gone.”
 
            I got back home, went to Heather’s office to get the bracelet thing off, and rushed to my room. I closed the door, and broke out into tears. I didn’t know who was telling me the truth. I really, really liked Helena. But I have known Frank my whole life. I wanted to be with Helena, but I wanted Frank to continue being my friend. I lay in bed for almost three hours crying and thinking about what to do. I decided I liked Helena too much to not give her a chance. After giving a lot of thought to my decision, I decided it was a good idea to trust Helena. I finally fell asleep at around three in the morning.
            The next morning, I thought about what Heather had said. She wanted me to tell her about when I saw Frank. I haven’t told her at all about when I’d been seeing him. He was too much of my friend, and I didn’t want to betray him. But then again, if Helena and Heather were telling me the truth, I should tell her. The only problem is, that they’d probably put me on a stronger medication or something. And then Frank would stop showing up altogether. I wanted him to be around. I decided against telling her. For now.
 
 
            Helena and I continued to go out, but these dates usually ended up in arguments between me and Frank. He never wanted me with her. Frank showed up more and more often, and I always ended up in tears. He was just as much of a bully as the boys at Belleville. But still, Frank was almost like a part of me. He was the only friend I can ever remember having.
Being with Helena helped me forget more and more about my past. I was glad for having her. Soon, I had forgotten wheat my parents’ names were, and I had forgotten about any other family I had. Sisters, brothers, cousins. It was like I’d never had any.
 
 
Helena sat with me at lunch every day, and we were always talking, about nothing really, but we enjoyed each other’s company, so we were always together.
            “Do you have anything to do this Saturday?” she asked me one day.
            “Nope.”
            “Well I wanted to know if you’d like to see my band, practice. At my house.” she said.
            My face lit up, “Well, umm, sure. I just need to make sure it’s okay with Heather.” I began.
            “I asked her already. I mean, that’s okay with you, right? Asking her for you?” Helena gave me a nervous look.
            I smiled. “Yeah, it’s fine. I just need to stop by her office to get my tracker thingy.”
            “Alright,” she looked at me, “Wait in the lobby. It’s a Saturday, so I don’t work. I’ll pick you up at five?” she asked.
            “Yeah, five is great.” I smiled and she got up.
            “Okay, bye.” She walked away.
            I watched her walk away. She was the most beautiful human being I had ever seen.
 
 
That Saturday, after I got showered and dressed in dark ripped up jeans, and a new Halestorm shirt, I knocked on the door to Heather’s office.
            “Come in, Gerard.” She said.
            I wondered how she knew it was me. I walked in.
            “Helena told you, right?”
            “Oh yes!” she said cheerfully. She grabbed a bracelet and put it on me. “Gerard, I’m really happy that you found a girl you like, but I don’t think it would be a good idea to grow so attached to her.” She looked at me with a serious face.
            “What are you saying?” I asked confused.
            “Gerard, Helena is a very smart young lady. You’re smart too, but you were put here for a reason. You live here at CMI for a reason.”
            “Does that mean I’m not allowed to be close to Helena?” I asked.
            “No, well, what I’m trying to say, Gerard, is that, Helena is always around you here. And then you guys have started to go out. You need to keep in mind that she has a life outside of her work. You might want to not want to always be around her. She has things to do.”
            “But, I like Helena.” I said.
            “Gerard I know you do.”
            “And, I’m pretty sure Helena likes me too.”
            “I’m sure she does Gerard, but she has a life too.”
            “Well maybe I’m part of her life now, Heather!” I snapped.
            “She stared at me. “I’m not sure about that okay Gerard. You don’t know how she feels.”
            “But I have a pretty good idea she likes me and wants me around too.” I said.
            “Gerard, you’ve been seeing her a little while now, but have you even kissed her?”
            “No…” I said, “But I hold her hand! And that kind of says she feels the same way. Heather, you seriously believe that just because I live in a psych ward, I can’t be a normal person?”
            “Gerard, no I’m not saying that.” She said.
            “It sure sounds like you are.” I said.
            “Just be careful. Okay?”
            “Fine.” I said.
            “Okay, well I decided that since you’ll be with Helena, you’re curfew is ten. You don’t have a time limit to how long you’re out, as long as you get back by ten.
            “Alright. Thank you.” I said. She just stared at me, so I left the office.
            I walked to the lobby and looked at my watch. It was 4:56. I waited for a minute or so before I saw Helena walking in the parking lot. I got butterflies in my stomach just to see her. She was dressed in blue jeans, her usual shoes, and a black t-shirt. She looked fabulous.
            “Hey! Practice starts in twenty minutes, so we better get going.” She said. I smiled and followed her out the door.
            “You never told me your band’s name.” I said, looking at her.
            “We haven’t really decided on it yet. We’ve written a few songs, but really, we’re just starting out.”
            “I’m sure you will come up with a good one.” I said.
            “Thanks.” She smiled at me. I loved her smile.
            We got to her house. She invited me inside, and asked me if I’d like a Coke. I took one. We went down into the basement, where the practice was being held.
            “Gerard, this is Anthony, Mikey, Lindsey, and Nathan.” She said pointing to the group.
            I waved at them all and said hi. They greeted me.
            “Anthony plays lead guitar, and Nathan plays rhythm guitar. Lindsey drums, and Mikey over here, plays bass.”
            “Hi guys,” I said smiling.
            “It’s nice to meet you,” Lindsey spoke up, “Helena always talks about you.” Helena blushed as soon as the words were spoken.
            “Yeah, it’s always ‘My boyfriend this, my boyfriend that!’ and we have to put up with her talking.” Anthony said. Helena’s face was bright red. I smiled, and I felt my face begin to burn too.
            “Awww! He’s blushing!” Nathan said. I felt myself getting hotter.
            Mikey seemed to just stare at me, with a poker face. He seemed pale. But not because of his skin tone. He looked scared.
            “You guys just think you’re all so cute, don’t you?’ Helena spoke up. “Alright, Gerard came to see us practice, so let’s get to it.” Helena said picking up a microphone.
            I thought about what her friends had said. Helena called me her boyfriend. That meant she liked me back, right? I didn’t know what to think. I just decided to deal with that later and just watch the practice.
            They preformed around eleven songs. They hadn’t written any of them, so they were by other bands. They played ‘Oh Love’ by Green Day, ‘The Ballad of Mona Lisa’ by Panic! At The Disco, and ‘For Baltimore’ by All Time Low, and many more. I loved all of those songs, and hearing Helena sing them was beautiful. I loved the way her voice sounded. It was perfect.
            They stopped practicing at around seven-thirty. Before he left, Mikey pulled Helena to the side to talk. The boy looked younger than I was. Maybe just a few years younger. He looked real scared. Like he’d seen something he shouldn’t have. I wondered what he was telling her, but I didn’t want to be nosy. I stayed out of it. He finished talking to her and left quickly.
            After everyone had gone, Helena took me back upstairs and made us sandwiches.
            “I’m sorry it’s nothing fancy,” she said. “I haven’t been shopping in a while.”
            “No, no. it’s okay. At least it’s not the cafeteria food from CMI.”
            She laughed. That’s pretty true. It could be worse.” She smiled at me.
            We ate in silence.
            When our meal was finished, we sat down on the couch. “You sing really nice.” I told her.
            “Thank you.” She said. “You told me you sing, Gerard. When do I get to hear you?” she looked at me.
            “Maybe soon. I’ve never liked singing in front of people.” I said.
            “I was shy, too. But I got over it.” She said as she got up to turn on the radio. She sat back down. She leaned her head on my shoulder and held my hand.
            The song ‘The Time of Your Life’ by Green Day started playing. I loved that song.
            Helena stood up. I did too.
            “Dance with me?” she asked playfully.
            “You can’t dance to this song.” I told her with a smile.
            “That shouldn’t stop us.” she said smiling back. Gosh, I loved her smile. She wrapped her arms around my neck, and I wrapped mine around her waist, and we danced. I never wanted it to end. She was beautiful, and she was here, dancing with me. I was happy, and I wanted to be able to live in that moment forever.
            She began to hum along to the song. I smiled to myself. I don’t know why, but I decide to hum along, too. I felt so happy at that moment. With her in my arms, and hers wrapped around me. It was perfect. And before I realized it, I had begun to softly sing along to the song.
            I didn’t realize I was singing until she said, “You sound really nice.”
            I smiled. “Thank you, but I believe that you sound better.” I said.
            She stopped dancing, grabbed my hand, and we sat back down on the couch. We sat in silence for a long while. It felt like forever before she spoke.         
            “Gerard,” she began.
            “Hmm?”
            She looked down and stayed quiet for a few more minutes. I didn’t rush he to say anything.  She finally said, “My dad… he was just diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago. He has diabetes, too… and he isn’t doing well.” She said.
            I stayed quiet for a while. I looked down. “Helena. Oh my goodness. Are you okay?” I asked. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to react.
            “Gerard, the medical bills are getting high. My parents… they can’t afford to pay for college anymore.” She said. She looked down again. A tear rolled down her cheek. I wiped it away, and she looked up at me and smiled. I didn’t see it coming, but she leaned in, and she kissed me. I kissed her back softly.
            She pulled back. “I love you, Gerard. So much.”
            “I love you too, Helena.” I answered.
            I had never had a girlfriend before. Helena was my first. She was the first person I had ever held hands with, and she was the first person I’d ever kissed. She was also the first person I had ever fallen in love with. And she was the first girl to say she loved me.
            “Helena, you… love me?” I asked her.
“Yes, Gerard. I do. I love you. A lot.” She answered.
“But, I live at CMI.” I said.
“Gerard, it doesn’t matter where you live.”
“But I live at CMI because I’m crazy.”
“You aren’t crazy, Gerard. In my honest opinion, you shouldn’t even be in a mental hospital. Whatever is said to be wrong with you, I don’t see it.”
“I’m insane, that’s why I’m there.” I whispered.
“Love is unconditional. I don’t care what you’ve been called. I don’t care what
you think is wrong yourself, and I don’t care where you live, or for what reasons. I love you. No matter what.”
            Ha. Take that, Heather. I was happy that Heather was wrong. Helena did feel the same way.
“Helena, I promise, you’re going to get through this. I’ll be right by your side. We’ll get through it together.” I said softly.
            “Gerard, I’m going to Florida,” she said, “I need to be with my dad. Bert is getting transferred to another mental institution in Florida, so that we can be close to dad.” She said.
            “But that means…” I started.
            “I can’t pay for college anymore, Gerard. I won’t be at CMI anymore. And I’m going to live with my mom. I’m leaving New Jersey, Gerard. I don’t even know if I’m coming back. I haven’t told the band yet.”
            I heard a noise. I looked up slowly to see Frank sitting at the dining room table. He had a smile on his face.
            “Helena, does Heather know about this?” I asked.
            “Yes, Gerard she knows.” She said.     
            It all made sense. Heather didn’t want me with Helena because she knew. She knew I was going to get hurt. But she hadn’t told me. It was as if she wanted me to get hurt. I thought for a second as I held Helena in my arms. She was still crying. Frank was right. Heather wanted to hurt me. Something told me Helena didn’t mean it. I had a feeling that Helena didn’t know it would hurt me. But Heather did.
            I looked at the clock on the other side of the room. It was eight forty-five.
            I looked at Frank again. “I told you,” he said. “Heather wants to hurt you.” I ignored him.
           We didn’t talk for a while. The quiet music and Helena’s unsteady breathing were the only things breaking the silence.
“Helena, I have an idea.” I said after a long time. She stared at me. “I love you, alright. I know how I can be with you.” She gave me a confused look. Her eyes were red and watery, but she still looked beautiful. “Does Heather know when you’re leaving to Florida?” I asked.
            “I’m leaving next Sunday, but she doesn’t know that yet. Gerard, what are you thinking?” she asked.
            “I love you, Helena, and I don’t want to let you go.” I said. After I spoke, I looked up at Frank, whose smile had disappeared, and whose face was now filled with fury. He knew what I was thinking.
            “Gerard, what is it?” she asked me. She looked worried.
            I looked up again. Frank was gone. I was glad he left. Now, he couldn’t know about my plan. Now, he couldn’t follow us. “Helena, I’ll come with you. I’ll go to Florida with you. I can run away from Claremont. I’ll get to be with you.”
            “How? I’m not your guardian, so I can’t take you out of Claremont.”
            “We can tell Heather that we’re going out. And then we’ll get on the plane.”
            “I’m leaving on a bus, Gerard.”
            “So then we’ll get on the bus together. I have around $180 from helping Heather around her office. We’ll put our money together to pay for hotels and stuff. It’ll be easy. Trust me.”
            “It’s going to take a few days to get to Florida, Gerard.” She said. “And I don’t know, I guess mom would be okay with you around, but still, it’s not as easy as you think.” Her face grew even more worried.
            “Helena, you need to trust me. I want to be with you.”
            She looked shocked at me. “Gerard,” she said, “I can’t let you do this. You’d get hurt. You need medications, and something could happen.” She said.
            “Helena, I want to do this. I want to be with you. There is nothing that can stop me from loving you and wanting to be with you. Please. Let me.” I said. I meant it. I loved her. She meant so much to me. And I couldn’t stand losing her. If she didn’t want me to, I wouldn’t go. But I had tried my best to convince her.
            Helena smiled and looked at me. Her smile faded quickly. “I’ll get into trouble, Gerard.
            “Why?”
            “If they find you with me, I’ll be charged with kidnapping you or something crazy like that.” She spoke softly.
            “Not if I was the one who kidnapped you.” I said.
            “I can’t let you do that. Take the blame. It’s too much.”
            “They might not even find me. I’ll go under another identity or something.”
            “Gerard,” she began. She looked down and paused to think. I looked at her. Tears began to form in my eyes. I wanted to be with her. I didn’t want her, or couldn’t let her leave. “It’s a crazy idea. We aren’t even nineteen yet. We’re still teenagers. And, well, I don’t know.” I had started to feel terrible when she spoke those words. She stayed quiet for a few seconds and said, “But… Okay. We’ll do it. Together. We’ll go. Okay.” She looked up at me.
            I smiled as I looked into her eyes. I was so happy and I began to cry. I couldn’t believe she had actually let me go with her. I was nervous, but I knew that I’d be okay as long as I was with her.
            She leaned into my chest and I held her for a little longer. I listened to the soft, almost-steady breaths she took. The music was still playing, but she had turned the volume down very low. It was mostly quiet. I was pretty sure she could feel my heart beat by the way she had her head leaning on me. I looked up at the clock after a while. It was nine-fifteen.
            “Helena, I need to go.” I said quietly.
            She got up, and held my hand. “I’m going to continue working there at CMI until Wednesday. They’re moving Bert this Monday. That means that you need to make up an excuse to not sit with Ray and Bob during lunch, so we can talk about what we’re going to do.” She said hugging me.
            “Okay,” I said, “We’re going to be okay.”
            “Gerard, it’s an insane idea,” she started, “But I have a good feeling about it.” She smiled.
            She walked me to the door, and before I left, she pulled me in for another kiss. I pulled back after a few seconds. “I love you.” I told her.
            “I love you, too.” She said. “I mean it.”
            She hugged me again, and I walked out the door. I had begun to think. Frank wasn’t there when I told Helena what my plan was. He wasn’t there when she agreed to do it. This meant he didn’t know. And I sure wasn’t going to tell him. Only Helena and I knew. This meant that Frank had no idea where we were going, and there was no way he could follow me. I was actually going to be able to escape Frank. I was never going to see him again. And I was okay with that. I never wanted to see him again. He may have been right about Heather being a liar, but I knew Helena wouldn’t do that to me. I just knew it. There was no way should hug me the way she did, kiss me they way she did, talked to me like that, and tell me she loved me and be lying the whole time. Nobody could do that.
            I was about halfway home when I heard something behind me. I turned around. Nothing was there. I continued to walk. I heard a noise again. I turned around. Nothing. I began to walk faster. And every time I heard a noise and turned around, there was nothing. I grew terrified.
            I eventually saw someone sitting on a bench by a park. I needed to get back to CMI, but I got closer to see who it was.
            I saw that the person had short hair. Brown? I couldn’t quite see in the dark. As I passed by, I realized he was a boy. Mikey. What had he been doing out in the dark, alone, at almost ten at night? His parents must have been worried.
            “Mikey?” I called.
            He looked up at me. He didn’t say a word. I noticed, however, that as soon as he saw me, his eyes looked something between sad and terrified. I didn’t understand why.
            “Ummm, I know it’s not my business or anything, but it’s late, and maybe, I don’t know, you should probably get home. You look too young to be out here alone.”
            “Oh, yeah,” he said, “I was just getting back.” He stared at me. I began to grow a bit uncomfortable. “Thanks,” he said, “for you know, letting me know I should get back.”
            “You're welcome.” I told him. I walked away. What was it? Why did he just stare at me? Had I done something? Offend him? I continued to think. The more I thought, the more he seemed familiar to me. Did he used to live at CMI? What was it?
            I was still thinking when I heard a noise again. I turned around. Frank.
            “Have I been scaring you? I’ve been following you, and you turn around, and I hide. So you couldn’t see me.” he said laughing. I looked at him with hatred.
            “Stop.” I said.
            “Y’know, I don’t understand how you can still trust Helena after what Heather did to you.”
            “Helena isn’t like Heather. Helena doesn’t lie.” I said.
            “But yet, she was planning on leaving you, and you still trust her.”
            “Yes. I do.”
            “Well why don’t you trust me like that?”
            “Frank, you’ve showed me that you can’t be trusted. You just did it now, in fact. Making me think I was being followed!” I said
            “It was a joke.” He told me.
            “But that’s what you always say! One time, we were in fourth grade, and when that boy called me fat, you told me to cut his hair! And then when I did, I got suspended for it! You said you meant it as a joke afterward, but I had still trusted you by thinking it was the right thing to do when it wasn’t. You’d lied to me!” I yelled. I looked back. Mikey was pretty far back, but he was staring in my direction, under street light, so I could see his confused face. “And that time when we were sophomores, and that guy punched me, and you told me not to hit him back! You and I both knew darn well I could have taken him, but you told me it was a better idea to not do anything and to let him beat me. You even cheered for him! I ended up with a fractured arm, Frank! I know I could have hit him, and I know I would have won the fight, but I had trusted you when I shouldn’t have! That’s why I can’t trust you anymore!” I looked back again. Mikey was running in my direction.
            “Gerard!” he yelled. I turned to Frank. He wasn’t there anymore. Great. Mikey had caught me talking to Frank. I prayed he wouldn’t tell Heather. I wanted to tell Heather, but she’d put me on stronger meds and probably not let me go out anymore. If I couldn’t go out anymore, I couldn’t run away with Helena.
            “Mikey, I’m fine.” I told him.
            He finally caught up to me. “Gerard, are you sure? You're fine?”
            “I’m okay. Trust me.”
            He stared at me. I looked at him for a few seconds. “Well… okay, then. I’ll walk you back. I don’t want you to get hurt.” He said.
            We walked back silently, and got there about eight minutes before curfew. “Thanks, man.” I told him. He was about to walk away when I stopped him. “Hey, uhh, Mikey? Do I know you from somewhere?” I asked.
            He stared at me with a confused face. He was quiet a while before saying, “No, Gerard, I don’t think so.” His voice was shaky as he said it.
            “Oh. Alright, it’s just, you look a bit familiar, that’s all.” I said. He smiled and walked away, heading in the opposite direction from where we came from.
            I walked into Heather’s office at exactly ten.
            “Well you got home late, didn’t you?” she said.
            “Yeah, sorry.” I told her.
            I watched carefully as she took off my tracker thing. Pliers. I needed pliers if I wanted to go to Florida.
            She let me go as soon as she took the bracelet.
            I lay in my room. Tomorrow was visiting day, so Helena would still be there. We needed a good escape plan.
 
 
            “I put seven-hundred dollars in my debit card.” Helena told me the next day.
            “Wow. That’s a lot of money.” I said.
            “I also told Heather that I wouldn’t be leaving until next Friday. We’ll hopefully be at Florida by then. We’ll be taking different buses, and a train, so we’ll need money for a couple of hotels, and food, and much more. Seven-hundred dollars might not last us too long. I still need to buy your tickets. I’m doing that as soon as I get home today. It’s also going to be rainy on our way down there. Wear something heavy.”
            “Wow, you planned a lot already.” I said, amazed.
            “Yeah, I barely slept at all last night. I know I needed to come up with something.” She told me.
 
 
            We spent that week planning every single thing that needed to be planned. It was perfect. I just needed to tell Heather I’d be going out.
            I knocked on her door.
            “Come in,” she said.
            “Heather,” I said as I walked in, “Helena and I wanted to go out for lunch, and then catch a movie. Movie starts at three-thirty. Can I go?” I asked her. I was completely nervous. I didn’t know what she would say. I glanced at me watch. We needed to be by the bus stop in an hour.
            “Umm, alright, go ahead and go.” She told me. I held out my wrist for the bracelet thing. She put it on me, and let me go. As soon as I shut the door, I rushed to the lobby, but was sure to look normal for the cameras.
            I waited in the lobby, and about thirty seconds later, Helena walked in.
            “Alright, let’s get going,” she said.
            When we were out of sight of anybody near CMI, I asked Helena, “Did you get the pliers?”
            “Yep,” She said. We turned a corner, and I saw Anthony in a little blue car. “We really need a ride back to my house, and then to the bus station,” she told me. “I can trust Anthony with my life, okay? He knows. And he’s never going to tell.”
            I looked at Helena, “Alright.” I told her.
            We got in the car, and the first thing Anthony did was ask, “You sure you guys aren’t going to elope or something? Because if you are, I want to know about it. I really want to see my best friend’s wedding.” 
            “Oh my goodness, Anthony, no. I told you what the situation was. I promise, when I get married, I’ll tell you.”
            “Okay, you better.” He said.
            He dropped us off at Helena’s house after a few minutes. Helena and I got out. “Okay, Gerard, I went out and bought you two pairs of jeans and two t-shirts. We’ll get you some more clothes as soon as we get to Florida.” She said as she handed me a duffel bag full of stuff. I looked inside. I found the clothes Helena said she’d gotten me, about a week’s worth of underwear, a toothbrush, deodorant, a pair of basketball shorts, and a few pairs of socks.
            “Wow, Helena, you really shouldn’t have done this.” I told her.
            “I wanted to,” she said, “I thought about it and realized you weren’t going to have any clothes. I guessed your size, so hopefully it will all fit.”
            “Wow, thank you so much, Helena.” I said as she took pliers out of a drawer. I was extremely grateful to have her. I instructed her on how Heather had taken it off, and after a few tries, she finally got it off my wrist.
            “Should we smash it?” she asked.
            “I think so.” I told her.
            I watch as Helena went to the garage and came back with a hammer. She set the bracelet on the counter and smashed it. She left a few scratches on the counter, but they were surprisingly almost unnoticeable.
           “Okay, I put up the house for sale a few weeks ago. We had a couple of people come to look at it, but no offers yet. Anthony is going to be taking care of it.”
            “Oh, okay.” I told her.
            We got back in the car. The bus got there in maybe a little less than thirty minutes.
            Anthony drove us to the bus station. We had around ten minutes before the bus got there.
            Anthony, Helena, and I all got out of the car.
            “Anthony, you're my best friend, I’m going to miss you so much.” She said as she hugged him.
            He came to me next and said, “Gerard, I don’t know you very well, but you seem like a pretty chill dude. Helena is like my little sister, alright, please Gerard, keep her safe. Don’t let anything happen to her.”
            “I promise I’ll keep her happy. And safe. Promise.” I told him.
            “Alright, bye, man.” He said. He hugged me.
            “Bye.” I said as he let me go.
            We got our stuff from the car. He left, and Helena handed me my ticket to this first bus.
            The bus showed up a few minutes later. “Okay, are you absolutely positive you want to do this?” she asked me.
            “Yes, Helena. I am.” I responded.
            We boarded the bus. It was extremely full. It was quite big, but there were many people inside of it. There were barely any empty seats.
Our seat was next to a mother and a small child. The child was extremely pale and was sneezing. I wondered what the little boy had. Whatever it was, it looked bad. The boy looked like he was in pain. He coughed on me a couple of times. His mother quickly picked him up and mumbled something to him quietly. He nodded at her.
His mother set him down again, and when he sneezed, he turned away from me.
The seats were uncomfortable, and it was a bit too cold in the bus, even though I was wearing jeans, a long-sleeve shirt, and a light hoodie.
The driver told us we’d get to our next stop in about seven hours.
            “Seven hours? Sitting here?” I asked Helena.
            “Yes, it sounds bad, but it’s not. Just go to sleep or something, and the time will go by.”
 
 
Around four hours had finally gone by, and I was already tired of sitting down. Helena had leaned her head on my chest and fallen asleep within the first two hours. The boy’s mother had also fallen asleep, but her child was still wide awake. He looked exhausted, but he couldn’t seem to sit still. He continuously sneezed and coughed on me. His face was still extremely pale.
Helena had woken up after around the fifth hour of the trip. Her hair was a bit messy, but she was still flawless.
“Have you fallen asleep at all?” she asked me.
“Nope.” I said as I fixed her hair with my fingers.
“Are you nervous, or what? What’s wrong?” she asked me.
“Just not tired.” I told her. Honestly, I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I would be, but I still was. Only a little.
The boy coughed on me again. Helena looked at me.
“Gerard, he’s sick,” she whispered, “don’t let him do that.” She told me. She shook the kid’s mom awake. “Ummm, excuse me, I’m sorry to wake you, but could you please switch seats with your child? He’s coughing and sneezing all over my boyfriend.” She asked her politely.
“Oh, my goodness! I’m so sorry!” she told us. The lady did what she was asked to do and switched seats with her little boy.
Around half an hour later, Helena and I had both gotten comfortable and fell asleep.
 
 
We woke up to sound of a clap of thunder. I looked out the window. It was raining. Hard.  
“Helena, this is really bad weather.” I told her. “How long was it supposed to last?”
“It’s supposed to last until Thursday, but I didn’t know it was going to be this bad.” She said with a nervous look on her face. “Oh, look, there’s the next bus station,” She said pointing to the station.
I looked at my clock. It was almost nine. I was a bit tired. We got off the bus and entered the bus station.
Helena gave me my ticket to the next bus which was supposed to be leaving in forty-five minutes.
Around thirty minutes after waiting, the rain had not stopped. I looked out the window, and I could have sworn I’d seen Frank standing outside with Heather. I stood up from where Helena and I were sitting and walked over to the window. They were gone.
“Is something wrong?” Helena asked me.
“No. Nothing. I’m sorry. I just thought I saw something.” I said.
“Did you bring your medicine?” she asked me.
“No. I’m not allowed to keep it in my room. I have to go to the doctor in the mental institution to take it.” I said. “I don’t need it, though. I’m fine without it.” I honestly thought that as long as Frank didn’t know where I was going, he couldn’t follow me. I hadn’t told him what I was doing. And while I was leaving, he never saw me. he didn’t know where I was.
The speaker in the bus station said loudly, “Due to weather, the following buses have been cancelled until tomorrow,” I prayed she didn’t name ours. “126 to Charleston, set to leave tomorrow at six in the morning,” Nope. “354 to Annapolis, set to leave tomorrow at nine-forty five in the morning,” Nope. “542 to Trenton, set to leave tomorrow at one in the afternoon,” Nope. “309 to Raleigh, set to leave tomorrow at two in the afternoon,” Great. Just what we needed. Our bus cancelled.
“Gerard, Heather’s surely looking for you. There are cameras here. We can’t sleep here, we need to spend the night at a hotel.” She said.
“Alright. Let’s get moving.” I told her.
“Wait a second, she said walking over to buy us an umbrella. She bought an umbrella, and sunglasses. “Put these on, we don’t want anyone to see you. I don’t know if you’re on the news, and I don’t know if Heather’s called the police. But just in case, we can’t have anybody recognize you.” I put the sunglasses on as we grabbed our stuff.
“Awww, you look good in them!” Helena told me while I grabbed my duffel bag and one of her suitcases.
“Thanks,” I told her smiling. I looked out the window to where I had last seen Heather and Frank. They still weren’t there. I decided that I was just tired, and I was seeing things because of it.
She opened the fairly large umbrella and we stepped outside. There was a taxi coming our way.
“Gerard. You’re going to get caught.” A familiar voice whispered. It was impossible. Frank didn’t know where I was. He couldn’t be here. I turned around quickly, and there was nothing there.
“Gerard what’s wrong?” Helena started to sound a bit worried.
“Nothing.” I told her.
Helena gave me a “please-tell-me” look, but quickly turned around and waved for the yellow taxi. The taxi came over. He opened the trunk, and we put our things in the back. “Can you take us to nearest motel?” Helena asked the driver.
“Yes, ma’am.” He said. He began to drive. I felt a small headache coming on. I blame the weather. And I was tired. I sighed.
Helena leaned on my shoulder and held my hand. We drove a few minutes, and out of boredom, I stared at the raindrops on the window and listened to them tap violently against the glass. It reminded me of something for some reason. As I thought about it, a faint memory approached my mind.
 
 
I was little. It was raining. I was in a car. A person was next to me. I don’t remember if it was a boy or girl. All I remembered was that the other person was younger than me.
“That raindrop is going to make it to the top first.” the person said while pointing to a raindrop on the windshield.
“No, I bet it’ll be that one.” I said pointing to a different raindrop. I stared at the two raindrops. The other person’s had won.
“I told you so!” the other person said playfully.
 
 
I came back to the real world when the driver broke the silence. “We’re here. You might want to go in and check for vacancy.”
“Alright. I’ll go,” Helena said letting go of my hand. “I’ll be right back.” She whispered into my ear and kissed my cheek.
After she left, I sat there, and wondered why I’d had this memory. Who was the other person?
She came back a few minutes later and broke my concentration. “Yes, they have a room,” she said.
“Alright,” the driver said as he opened the trunk. I stayed sitting for a few seconds, thinking about what had happened. I quickly came to realization when Helena opened my door.
“Hurry up, silly,” she said playfully. I smiled at her.
“Oh, sorry. Wow I’m tired.” I told her as I grabbed a suitcase and two duffle bags.
“You’ll get to sleep in a while.” She told me.
We paid the driver, and he left. We walked into the lobby. I looked around. It was small, and the wall paper was terrible, but at the same time, I felt comfortable with it.
There was one other person sitting in the lobby. I recognized him from the bus station. I guess he had the bad luck of getting a cancelled bus, too. He looked tired. Sad. Exhausted. He stared at the ground. I wondered what his story was.
The more I thought about the guy, the more I wondered about myself. I hadn’t seen my family in over a year. Where had they been? Was I abandoned? I had pushed so many of my family memories, that all I could remember was the bullying. I couldn’t remember my own parents’ names, but I could remember that Ryan Ross was the boy who put gum all over the front of my locker in tenth grade. I couldn’t remember if my parents had jobs, but I could remember that Kellin Quinn was the jerk who beat me up after his ex-girlfriend, who he still had feelings for, had called me. I rejected her, but he still did it. I couldn’t remember my parents’ faces, but I could still remember when Brendon Urie locked me in the janitor’s closet in ninth grade.
So I thought, if that man in the lobby had a story, a life before I’d seen him, then I did, too. But, the biggest question I had was, what was my story? What was my reason to be here now? Why? What was it, what event, what person was I to give credit for, for being here, in this situation now? I knew that there had to have been someone who played a big part in my life. Who was it?
Helena got the key to our room, and I followed her up the stairs. My small headache was still there.
Once we were in the room, I sat down on the small bed. I looked around. There was a small radio, and Helena turned it on. She tried to change the station, but in this weather, we were stuck listening to old jazz music. I honestly liked it. If there was any good memory I still had about my childhood, it was that I liked music. But not only one genre of it. Jazz was one of my favorites.
Helena sat down by me. “I like jazz,” she said. “it’s something a lot of people don’t know about me, but I like it.”
I smiled. “I do too.”
She stayed quiet for a second. She held my hand. “Gerard, what’s wrong?” she asked again.
“Nothing.” I responded again.
“You’re quiet.” She said.
I began to feel a bit warm. I took off my jacket. “There’s nothing wrong.” I told her. I gave her a smile, to prove that I was fine. I honestly didn’t know what was wrong. I didn’t feel one hundred percent okay, but I didn’t know what was wrong.
“Alright.” She said.
We sat quietly for a few seconds, but one of my favorite songs started playing. I recognized it instantly, and Helena did too because she said softly, “I love this song.”
I smiled at her, “I do, too.” It was ‘I’ve Got A Crush On You’ by Ella Fitzgerald. I got up. “May I have this dance?” I asked her.
She smiled as she stood up. “Yes, I’d love to dance.”
I held her close to me, and we had begun to dance slowly. I listened to the song, I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie
All the day and night-time,
hear me sigh
I never had the least notion
That I could fall with so much emotion
I sang along softly. Helena soon joined in on singing with me. My headache was getting a bit worse, but I ignored it. I was with Helena. We were on our way to Florida. To be together. The song ended, and she leaned up and kissed me gently.
“I love you,” she said.
“I love you, too.” I told her.
“Alright, go get dressed, you look tired. You should get some rest.”
I took the duffel bag into the bathroom, and I got dressed in the basketball shorts and I figured I’d sleep in the shirt I was already in. I got out finding Helena in her pajamas.
“Gerard,” she said.
“Hmm?”
“Look at your face.” She said, bringing me to the mirror. I looked at myself.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, failing to see what she’d been looking at.
“Well, you're extremely pale. Are you feeling well?” she asked me.
“Yeah, I’m okay. My head hurts a little, but I’m fine.” I told her. I wasn’t lying, I felt okay.
“Okay, I’m going to ask the office if they have Ibuprofen or something.” She said. She rushed out of the room.
I looked in the mirror again. I did seem a little pale, but I really felt fine. U guess I was just a bit nervous. I still couldn’t seem to grasp the fact that I was running away with the person I loved the most. It was insane. I knew I had people looking for me back at CMI. I knew I’d disappointed Ray and Bob. I knew I’d probably done wrong, but I did it all for Helena. I loved her that much. I’d sacrifice anything just to be with her.
I took a seat on the bed. I stared out the window. I couldn’t see anything because of the darkness and rain. I stared out into the blackness until something caught my eye. A reflection in the window.
“You made a mistake.” Frank said.
I turned around. “No. No! You can’t be here!” I shouted.
“Well, Gerard, deal with disappointment. I am here.” He said.
“Leave! Please!” I yelled.
“Gerard, no. You leave. You need to get out of this place. Now. Before Helena hurts you. Get back to Claremont.” He said.
“Frank! Go away!” I yelled.
Helena opened the door with a bottle of Ibuprofen. “Gerard! Gerard, what’s happening? Quit yelling. What’s wrong?” she looked at me.
I stared at her, and then back at Frank. She turned to see who I was looking at.
“Gerard, what?” she asked.
“I told you. She can see me. She can hear me. But she’s lying to you. She wants you to think you’re crazy. She’s just like anybody else.” Frank said calmly.
No. I couldn’t ever think that Helena had wanted to hurt me. I knew she didn’t. I knew I wasn’t normal, but I didn’t want to accept the fact that I was insane. Nope. I didn’t want to be crazy, and I wouldn’t let anybody tell me, even though I knew, deep down inside that I wasn’t like most other people. I knew there was something wrong with me
“No, Frank. No. she wouldn’t do that.”
“Gerard, who are you talking to?” Helena’s voice broke.
“Please don’t lie to me Helena. Please, tell me you see him. Please.” I said. My voice was shaky.
She came over to me and hugged me. “Gerard, I wish I could.” She said in a shaky whisper. “I love you, but there’s nobody there.” She said.
“I told you. She’s a liar. Like everybody else.” Frank said looking down.
This couldn’t be happening. I knew I should trust Helena, but now it seemed like she was lying. She had meant to hurt me all along. It looked like she did this all to hurt me. I couldn’t believe it.
“Gerard, please, who’s Frank and what is he doing to you?” she stared at me with begging eyes. “You can’t get better if you don’t tell me. I need to know.”
I looked at her.
“Pick someone, Gerard. Who are you trusting? She wants to hurt you.” Frank said.
I thought for a few seconds. I thought back to Belleville High School. The more I was picked on, the closer I became to Frank. But the closer I became to Frank, the more trouble I got into. When I became best friends with Frank, I was sent to live at CMI. I could blame all of my problems on Frank.
“Frank, no. You're the one who wants to hurt me! Helena wouldn’t do that!” I yelled.
“Gerard! Calm down, please.” Helena had started to cry.
“Fine. Gerard, I’m just trying to let you know how terrible people can be. Not everyone is friendly.”
“And right now Frank, I think you’d be one of those people. Making others feel terrible. You just love to do it.”
Helena looked at me. She looked at Frank. “Gerard.” She started to tell me something, but instead, she looked at Frank and yelled, “Get out of here! No one wants you here! Stop making him miserable!” She yelled while crying. “Leave! Now!”
Frank stared at Helena in disbelief. He started to say something, but instead, he gave her a look of anger and hatred, and walked out the door.
The second the door closed, I dropped to my knees and began sobbing. Helena saw him. She had seen him. She was the first person in the entire world to talk to him other than me.
Helena sat down and held my shaking body. “Gerard,” she whispered, “Are you okay? Did he leave?” she asked in a quiet voice.
“Yes. You didn’t see him go?” I asked her.
“Gerard… just… let’s just go to sleep. Tomorrow’s another day.” She said softly. The sound of her voice made me feel better.
My head hurt, I was still crying, and my voice was shaky, but I managed to say, “Okay. Okay, let’s just go to bed.” I said it in almost a whisper.
Helena helped me up, and I sat down on the bed. She opened the bottle of Ibuprofen. She shook out two tablets and handed them to me. “Take these.”
I stared at them in her hand for a little while. She looked at me. She knew I was feeling terrible. I looked at the clock on the nightstand. Twelve forty-five. I looked back the medicine she held out, and took it. She sat down next to me and handed me a water bottle. I took the medicine with the water and thanked her.
“Come on, Gerard. Let’s get some sleep.” She said.
We got into bed. I was exhausted, but I couldn’t fall asleep. I had too much on my mind. How was Helena the only other person who could see Frank? Why did she say she couldn’t see him at first? Why did I have that memory in the taxi? Is Heather going to find me? What if Frank was the person I should’ve trusted?
I tried to remember when the first time I met Frank was. I couldn’t remember. I just remember him being there. I don’t know where he even lived. I wondered how he found me. I wondered how I even knew him. He missed school a lot when we still we still went. Nobody ever acknowledged his presence other than me. Why?
I thought about what had happened in the taxi. Where was I? Who was the other person? Why had I seen that?
I thought about the boy in Helena’s band. Mikey. Why did he look terrified when he saw me? What was wrong with me? Why did I make people uncomfortable? Why couldn’t I be accepted for who I was? The only person who did was Helena.
I thought about the past few months. I remember the day I first saw Helena. I remember our first date. I remember the reaction Bert had had when he found out we were dating. He was happy for me, and as drug-damaged as he was, he was happy for his sister who he wasn’t even biologically related to. He loved her anyways. He treated her like a perfect brother would. They were nice to each other. He supported her in every decision she made.
Helena was the only person who was like that to me. Heather tried to stop me from seeing Helena. Frank sure as heck didn’t want me around her. Helena was the only person who loved me enough to support me and encourage me in what I did. I was comfortable with her. There was nothing in the world that I loved more than Helena. She was my everything.
I looked at the clock. Two in the morning.
I lay awake for almost another hour when the silence was broken by a muffled sob. I turned onto my other side. Helena was crying in her sleep. I wondered why. A tear rolled down her cheek and I wiped it away gently. I got closer to her and carefully wrapped me arms around her. I didn’t want to wake her. I listened to her cry. Had I done this to her? Did I make her sad? What was it?
I still had a splitting headache, and after a while, Helena woke up and quickly sat up. I sat up too.
The rain hadn’t stopped, but the moon came through the blinds and gave us light. She looked at me.
“Are you okay?” I whispered.
She looked and me and sighed. She shook her head and looked down.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked quietly.
She hugged me, and pressed her wet face against my shirt. I held her. I ran my fingers through her tangled hair trying to comfort her.
“I’m an orphan.” She whispered between sobs.
I stayed quiet for a while. I didn’t know how to respond. I had asked Helena why she was put in foster care a little after our first or second date, but she didn’t like to talk about it. I had never known why she was put up for foster care.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered and kissed the top of her head.
“Gerard, I wanted to study to be a child psychologist for people with schizophrenia,” she paused and sighed, “because I wanted to help families like mine.” She said.
I looked at her. “What do you mean… by families… like… yours?” I asked her. My voice was shaking.
“I had a dad and mom, and a little brother. Gerard, my mom had schizophrenia. She saw things that other people didn’t. She saw people no one else could see. She saw someone named Danielle. Danielle was bad for my mom.”
“I’m so sorry, Helena.” I said quietly.
“Mom had a bad temper. She blamed all of her problems on Danielle. And one day, when I was little, dad did something to get my mom upset.” Her voice broke.
I held her close to me. She began to cry violently. I cried along with her, too. This was too much.
“And I remember my mom locked herself in her room for a couple of hours. My brother, Mark, had just learned how to walk. I was around six. My dad, brother and I were all sitting in the living room. It was round eleven at night. And I remember that my mom finally unlocked the door to her room. And I remember that when she walked out of her room, she was… holding… a… gun.” She sobbed and it sounded like she choked on the last word.
I was crying too. I felt sorry for Helena. She had been through so much. And even though I was stuck with the same mental disorder as her mom, she loved me.
“My dad was holding Mark. And my mom quickly pointed the gun at my dad and she pulled the trigger.” She stopped talking and cried. She took a breath, “She missed my dad. But he hit my brother. I remember my dad was yelling for me to go to my room. I took the house phone and ran to my room. I hid under the bed. I heard my dad yelling at my mom, and then I heard another gunshot. And then the house was quiet for a few minutes.” She paused again. “I was about to dial the police, and then I heard a third gunshot. I got scared, so I walked out of my room, and back into the living room with the phone in my hands.” She stopped talking for a minute or so. She leaned her face into the shoulder of my shirt, which was now soaked with her tears. “All I remember was seeing so much blood. Puddles of it. It was everywhere. And I remember going over the Mark. His small body just lay there lifeless. I went to my dad, and he was gone, too. And then I went over to my mom, who had one bullet hole in her forehead. I called the police. I let them know where I was. I didn’t know my address, but I described the surroundings of our house. After I hung up, I noticed there was something in my mom’s hands. It was a paper. I took it, and opened it, and it read ‘Take care of Danielle for me. I love you.’ And then the police got there.”
I was now sobbing. Her mom was like me. She had been diagnosed with schizophrenia. She saw people that no one else saw. She had been dangerous.
“I love you, Helena.” I told her. “I promise, I wouldn’t ever hurt you.”
“I love you, too.” She said softly. “I was put into foster care for around six years. I was put up for adoption, and Bert’s parents thought about adopting me, but decided not to when he started getting involved with drugs. No one wanted to adopt me. I stayed a foster child until I was eighteen. And now, I’m of age.”
“I’m sick, aren’t I?” I asked. I then realized that Frank was just my imagination. I knew that he’d still be coming back, though. I knew that no matter what, I couldn’t escape him. He’d still come back, and he’d still harass me. He’d still call me names, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.
“Gerard,” she sighed, “Yes. But I love you anyway.”
“Why?” I cried. “Why do I have schizophrenia? Why am I a psychopath? It’s not fair! What did I do to deserve being sick like this? It’s not my fault! You love me anyways, but why me? Why doesn’t my mind work like everybody else’s? Why did I have to be stuck like this? It isn’t fair! The world isn’t fair! I’m here, like this, while other people out there are normal! Why?” I asked.
“Gerard, I know. The world isn’t fair. The world is ugly, but you’re beautiful to me. I love you, no matter what.” she hugged me.
We both lay down again, and tried to fall asleep. And I did, because I knew that I made the right choice to choose Helena over Frank.
 
 
 
 
 
Helena shook me awake. “Hey, do you feel alright?” she asked me in a worried voice.
I looked at her. My head hurt and I was shivering. I felt sore, but I don’t know why. I grunted and shut my eyes again.
“Gerard, you have a fever. I don’t know your temperature, but you feel extremely warm. Does your head still hurt?”
I nodded.
“Okay, take Ibuprofen.” She shook out two more tablets and handed them to me. I took them from her hand and swallowed them with water.
“Gerard, how do you feel?” she asked me.
I opened my mouth to speak, realizing that my throat hurt. I cleared my throat. “Sore. I feel sore.” I managed to choke out. “My throat,” I cleared my throat again, “hurts.” I took another sip of water.
“Okay, it’s twelve. The bus leaves at two. Hopefully, we can still get on.” she told me.
I looked out the window. It was sprinkling, but the rain had definitely settled down. Helena turned the radio on. She turned the volume down, so that it wasn’t that loud, but the noise made my headache worse.
“No, Helena. Shut it off, please.” I asked her quietly. I was shivering even though I was wrapped in blankets and I was wearing a long-sleeved shirt. I was sweating, too. My hair stuck to my head.
She shut off the radio. “Gerard, you need to change into a t-shirt. And take your socks off. You’re sick, and you shouldn’t be wrapped in blankets.”
I slowly got up, and I felt light headed. I lost my balance, and almost fell on the floor.
Helena rushed to me. “Be careful.” She was speaking quietly, almost in a whisper. I didn’t mind though, because any loud noise I heard made my head hurt more than it already did. She helped me to my way to the bathroom, and then she brought me the duffel bag full of my clothes. “You should take a cold shower. It might help.” She told me. She left the bathroom and closed the door.
I got in the shower and turned the cold water on. Even though I was shivering, the cool temperature felt good against my burning skin.
I got out of the shower a few minutes later. I got dressed in the same shorts, and one of the newer shirts that Helena had gotten me. The clothes she had gotten me fit me perfectly fine.
I got out of the bathroom, and Helena was taking on the phone.
“Yes.” She paused and looked at me. “No, I don’t know where he is. Are you sure? How long has he been missing?” she paused for a long time. “No, I’m afraid I’m not home right now. I’m visiting aunt in New York.” She stopped talking. “I probably won’t be home for a while. My aunt is dying. Lung cancer.” She turned to look at me. “Yep. Okay. Okay, I’ll let you know when I think I’ll be heading back to New Jersey. No, actually, I think I might even miss my trip back home. Okay. Okay. I hope you find him. good luck. Okay, bye.” She hung up.
“What happened?” I asked.
“Heather called the police last night. They haven’t found you- obviously.” She said waving her hand in my direction. “Okay.” She walked over to me and felt my face. “Gosh, you’re burning up. You need a doctor.” She said.
“But, I can’t go. They’ll find me.” I said. My throat was hurting really bad.
She looked at me. “That’s true.” She looked down at the ground. “Okay, we really need to get ready. I’ll be in the shower.” She said as she picked up one of her duffel bags and walked into the bathroom shutting the door.
I sat down on a chair for a few minutes. My headache was far worse than terrible. It hurt to even look around the room. I was breathing heavily, and I very slowly stood up, and lay down on the clean side of the bed that I hadn’t sweated all over. I closed my eyes, but I felt too bad to sleep.
I was hungry. I needed to eat. I needed more water. I opened my eyes and looked for my almost-finished water bottle. I opened it, and drank what was left.
I lay down again. I closed my eyes for around ten minutes, but opened them when I heard a voice.
“You wouldn’t be so sick if you hadn’t left.” Frank said. I opened my eyes, and saw Frank sitting on the chair by the desk.
“I’m fine.” I said softly.
“You know you’re not. You need a doctor.”
“No. it’s not that bad.” I said. I closed my eyes again.
“Yes it is.” he said.
I opened my eyes to look at him, but he wasn’t there anymore. The water stopped running. I felt terrible. My stomach felt upset. I was hungry, but I knew that anything I ate would probably be thrown up.
Helena opened the door to the bathroom. “Did you sleep at all?” she asked while shaking her hair.
I shook my head. “No.”
She looked at her watch. “I’m gonna call a taxi. We need to go.” She picked up her phone and looked at it. “I have a missed call from Mikey.” She mumbled. “Excuse me for a second, Gerard.” She said as she quickly rushed out into the hall.
Mikey. The boy who helped me get back to CMI. He was friendly. I wondered what he needed to talk to Helena for.
As terrible as I felt, I wanted to know, so I got up, and pressed my ear against the room door.
“I’m sorry. I know. No. No, you don’t need to apologize. No, I understand why you couldn’t. I understand. I’m sure he’ll forgive you. Mikey. No.” her voice was shaky. “Not yet. When should I tell him? No. That’s not a good idea right now. He’s sick. Flu, I think. No. I’ll do it when the time is right. Yes. Soon. I promise. Alright. Bye.” She hung up.
I quickly got back in bed. I didn’t want her to know I was eavesdropping. What was she talking about? Was Mikey okay? I hoped nothing had gone wrong back in New Jersey.
Helena came back in a few minutes later. “You okay?” I asked her.
“Yeah. I’m fine.” She answered.
I sneezed a couple of times. She looked at me with a worried face. What had she been thinking? It was my fault her beautiful face was tired. I did it to her. I made her worried. Stressed.
“Gerard. I think the weather gave you a cold. And I think you caught a bit of what that boy had. Look at yourself in the mirror. You're as white as a ghost.” She said.
“I’m naturally really pale, though.” I cleared my throat for the umpteenth time that day, “so maybe, it’s just my skin that looks white.” I said.
“No, Gerard. It looks unhealthy.” She said quietly.
“Oh. I don’t feel too bad.” I lied. The truth was I had felt horrible.
“You need to eat.” She said while she got up.
“Where’re you going?” I asked.
“There’s a little vending machine in the lobby. I’m buying you some crackers.” She exited the room. I prayed I felt better soon. My head felt like it was going to fall off. My whole body hurt. I was emotionally drained from Helena’s story. I couldn’t figure out the vision I’d had in the car. The only thing that had kept me going at the moment was Helena.
“I’m the only person who cares about you, Gerard.” Frank was sitting at the foot of my bed. “She’s going to hurt you. She doesn’t want you to be with me. Like everyone else. I told you she could see me.”
“But she told you to go away. She doesn’t want you bothering me, so she does care.”
Frank opened his mouth to say something, but Helena walked in. I turned to look at her. When I turned the other way, Frank was gone.
She came and sat down next to me with crackers. I took them. “Were you talking to Frank?” she asked me. I nodded. She sighed.
I ate about half of a cracker. I was hungry, but I felt like I was unable to eat. I had such an upset stomach.
“I know, Gerard. I know you don’t want to eat it, but you need to. You haven’t eaten in forever.”
I sighed and took a small bite out of the cracker. It just made my mouth dry, and it hurt my sore throat when I swallowed it. “I don’t want to eat it.” I whispered.
“That’s okay. Not now, but you’ll have to eat soon.” She said as she took the food away from me and set it down on the nightstand. I set my head down on the pillow. She ran her fingers through my hair. “Gerard, we’re going to miss the bus. Let’s go.” I sighed and got up. I quickly felt sick.
“Helena.” I said unevenly. I was beginning to lose my balance.
“Hmm?” she looked at me. “Gerard, are you okay?”
I started to make my way to the bathroom. “I’m gonna be sick.” I said.
She quickly got up and helped my wobbling and shaking body to the bathroom. I bent over and threw up in the toilet.
“Gerard, do you think you can sit still for seven hours?” she asked me.
I got sick again. “No.” I choked out.
The sweat made my hair stick to my forehead.
“Gerard, you need to see somebody. A doctor.” She said.
“No. they’ll recognize me. And we won’t make it to Florida.” I threw up again.
“Are you sure you don’t want to go?” she asked me.
I nodded.
“Okay.” She left the bathroom. I was just lying down on the bathroom floor. I didn’t even have enough strength to get up.
Helena came back. “Here, wash the germs out of your mouth. We don’t need you to get sick again.” she handed me mouthwash. I looked at her from the floor.
I groaned. She had to help me get up. I rinsed out my mouth and then looked in the mirror. How was it possible to get this sick so fast? It’d been like what, 24 hours? I blamed the nervousness form running away, the weather, and the little boy on the bus.  
“Okay, we’re staying here. There’s just no way you can get on the bus like this.” She helped me to the bed.
I lay my head down, and shut my eyes. I fell asleep.  
 
 
I woke up to the sound of someone talking. I looked around the room. It was dark, and I heard that the rain had gotten bad again. the window was open and was letting in cool air.
The door was closed to the bathroom, but I could see that the light was on from the bottom. I looked at the clock. Eleven.
“But, Mikey, I don’t think so.” Helena said. “He’s getting really bad. No. He can’t. I’m not sure. No. He’s still sleeping. He was sleeping, but he sounded like he was having trouble breathing. Yes. I’ve been sitting right next to him for the past seven hours. No.” she was talking a bit loudly. Like she didn’t care who had heard. “No, Mikey. I don’t know. Not yet.” She paused for a long time, “I don’t know how. Listen, I’m sorry. I’ll do it soon. Promise. I need to go check on Gerard, alright? I’ll call you back soon. Bye.”
I still felt terrible. My stomach was hurting so badly. My throat burned. I was sore. Although I was shivering, I could feel my skin burning with heat. I knew I was sick.
Helena walked out. She looked at me, and then came and sat down next to me.
“Hey.” She said softly.
I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn’t talk. It hurt too much.
My shirt was sticking to my back. I took it off slowly. My body ached.
“Gerard? Look at your chest. What’s that? Is it a birthmark?” she asked.
I looked down. On the front of my chest, there was a patch of skin a different shade than the rest of me. I sat up.
“Light.” I said.
She turned on the light, and I looked down. There was a red patch of skin. It looked infected. I touched it softly, and it felt rough.
“Gerard, you’ve got it on your neck too. What is this?” she asked.
I shrugged.
“It’s just like some sort of weird rash.” She touched my neck. “Oh my goodness.” She whispered. “Quick, Gerard, open your mouth.”
I looked at her, and I opened my mouth, sticking out my tongue.
Her eyes watered up. “Gerard, you're very sick.” She said.
I looked at her worriedly.
“My baby cousin died from this, Gerard. I think you have scarlet fever.” She looked down. “We need to go to the doctor. You need help.” She got up.
I shook my head.
“Gerard, you're supposed to get shots to prevent this. When was the last time you got a shot for it? Do you know?” she asked.
I shook my head.
“Gerard, have you gotten a shot at all while you were a CMI?”
I shook my head again. Claremont Mental Institution wasn’t as good as people said it was. They called it “The most trusted mental institution in the universe.” I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one to disagree with that. I’m almost positive that every patient agreed that it was probably the worst place they could sent you.
I’d never gotten a shot at CMI. For anything. I wasn’t complaining, though. I hated needles. A lot. I didn’t want to get a shot, ever.
 But I guess maybe getting injected with medicine was better than being told about a death caused by the same disease you had.
“Gerard, they’re supposed to give you medicine for this. You know you can probably sue them for not treating you correctly?” she asked.
“I don’t want to go to the doctor. I want to be with you. Even like this.” I told her.
She made a face that looked like a small smile.
“I’ll be right back, Gerard.” She said as she got up with her phone and walked out of the room.
I tried to get out of bed. It took me a while because of the pain my body was in, but I made it to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror.
There were dark rings around my eyes. They sort of looked sunken in. my face was ghostly white. It looked unhealthy. I looked at my bare chest. The rash started just below my neck and continued its way up and around my neck in small patches. I touched it. The skin was rough. I opened my mouth. My tonsils looked a gross yellowy white color.
I looked dead.
I walked out of the bathroom, and to the door. I heard Helena talking.
“Mikey, I know. Yes. Bad. Really bad. I don’t know.” She said. “Remember last year when I went to my cousin’s funeral? Yeah. I think Gerard has the same thing she had. Yes. Bad. She died after about a couple of days, even with the medicine we gave her. No. it didn’t work. Well he said that they weren’t providing him with the shots.” She paused. “Yeah, that’s what I said.” I heard her begin to cry. “Mikey, I don’t know. I’m sorry. I know, Mikey. It’s not your fault. I’ll do it right now, if you want. Oh. You? Now? Okay. What do I tell him then? Oh. Okay.” She said.
I got back in bed, and sat there for a few seconds. What was going on? I was dying. And I knew it. Helena knew it. I didn’t want to go to the doctor though. Because then they’d separate us. And I wouldn’t get to be with her. I wanted to be with her, even like this. As long as I could be by her side.
I drank some water. My throat burned.
Helena walked in a couple of seconds later. She was crying.
She came and sat down next to me. “Gerard, your brother wants to talk to you.” She said handing me the phone.
I gave her a confused look. She just looked at me and waited for me to take the phone.
I took it and pressed it against my ear. “Hello?” I managed to choke out. I looked at Helena who was walking out of the room.
“Hey, Gerard.” Mikey said.
“Helena just,” I started.
“Yeah, Gerard.” Mikey sounded like he was crying. “You don’t remember me, do you?” he said.
“Not so much,” I whispered.
“I remember you, Gerard. Every since the day they stuck you in that freaking psych ward, I’ve thought about you and worry about you every day. I think about how things used to be.” He said.
“Mikey, was it you I’d play the raindrop game with?” I asked. My throat hurt, and it felt terrible to talk.
“Yes, Gerard. We’d always do that when it rained. We’d pick a different raindrop,” she started.
I cut him off “And whosever raindrop got to the top of the windshield first would win.”
I could practically hear him smile through the phone. “Yes, Gerard. That was the game.” He said. We both stayed quiet for a second. “Do you remember anything about Mom and Dad?” he asked.
I stayed quiet for a while. “No.” I finally said.
“Oh.” He answered sadly.
“How are they?” I asked. I felt as though they practically abandoned me. Left me at some mental hospital, and never come back. But that didn’t mean I didn’t care about them.
He breathed in heavily. “They never told you, did they? The doctors. They dot let you know things, do they?”
“No. Not at all.” I said.
“Gerard, they argued a lot, after you left. And it just, got really bad. One day, it was a rally bad fight, and Mom left that night.” He began to cry. “There was a knock on out door at four that morning. Mom was drinking and driving. And… she got… killed. In an accident.” I could hardly make out what he was saying, he was crying too hard.
I began to cry. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to my mom before she died. It felt terrible for me to fid out about my mom’s death, which happened months ago, over the phone, by my brother.
“Mikey, what… what was her name? Her and dad?” I asked between sobs.
“Donna. Donna and Donald Way.” He said slowly.
“Was she pretty?” I asked. I couldn’t even remember her face.
“Yeah, Gerard. She was beautiful.” He said.
We both stayed silent. The only thing I could hear through the phone were his sniffles.
I’m pretty sure that’s all he could hear from me too.
“Mikey, how… how old… are you?” I asked. My throat felt like it was on fire.
“I’m fifteen, Gerard. Three years younger than you.” He replied.
“I’m sorry Mikey.” I broke down. “I’m so sorry. I don’t even remember how old you are. I didn’t even know you were my brother. I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay, Gerard. It’s okay.” He said.
“No, Mikey, it’s not. I didn’t even recognize my own blood.”
“Gerard, don’t worry about it.” He paused. “I’m sorry. I didn’t ask to see you before you left. It was too much for me to handle. Seeing you again. I didn’t want to have to say goodbye to you again. It was too hard the first time.”
“I understand, Mikey. I don’t think I would’ve been able to leave if I’d known I had a brother.”
“It really is a small world.” He said. “How you fell in love with one of my best friends. How we got to see each other again. Since the day I had first seen you since they put you at CMI saw you, I thank God for letting me see you again.”
“I’m glad I got to see you, too. Mikey I want to see you again soon.”
“I want to see you, too.” He said.
“Mikey, I’m sick. I’m really sick. If I go to the doctor, Helena will get in trouble. I can’t go to the doctor.” I said.
“I know, Gerard.” He said quietly.
“I’m sorry, Mikey.” I said.
“It’s okay, Gerard.” He said.
Helena walked in with a bottle of pills. She went to the bathroom, came back out, and then took her duffel bag to the bathroom.
 “Mikey, I love you.” I said.
“I love you, too. Get some rest, Gerard.” He said.
“Okay, Mikey. Bye.”
“Bye, Gerard.” He said. We both hung up. I stayed sitting down for a while.
Helena came out of the bathroom and sat next to me. She held my hand.
“Gerard, why? Please tell me why you wont go to the doctor.”
“Because I don’t want you to get into trouble. And I don’t want them to send me back to CMI. I want to stay with you.”
“But Gerard, you’re very sick. You have to go.”
“Helena, I’m sorry, but I’d rather spend my dying breaths with you, than live a thousand years without you.” I said.
She looked at me. Her makeup was messy. Her hair was tangled. She had bags under her eyes. But there was still something about her that was extremely beautiful.
“Gerard, I feel the same way about you.” She said quietly. She got up, and walked to the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.
I loved Helena. There was nothing more in the world that I wanted other than being with her forever. I couldn’t stand the thought of life without her. It’d be torture.
“You have a brother?” Frank asked.
I looked up. “Yeah.” I said.
“Y’know, you’re at death’s doorstep. You should really get some help.”
“But, Helena. I don’t want to be without her.”
“You're so stubborn. It’s your life we’re talking about.” He said.
“I’d probably be okay with going to the doctor if you hadn’t ruined my life.” I told him.
“Well, I’m just letting you know, you’re dying. Death is a permanent thing, in case you didn’t know that. You can’t have a second chance.” He said.
“I don’t care anymore. You ruined all the fun in my life. It’s your fault I can’t even remember my own family. It’s your fault I didn’t know I had a brother until twenty minutes ago. I’m okay with dying now. Especially if I’m doing it for Helena.”
“Fine. Bye.” He said as he walked out the door.
I heard Helena sobbing through the bathroom door. I was about to get up and heck on her when she walked out. She was holding two pill bottles in her hands.
She came and sat down next to me.
“Gerard, I’m broken on the inside. I’ve been through a lot. I’m not as happy as you think. I have to take Cymbalta.”
“You're broken, but beautiful.” I said. She faked a smile. “That should be your band name. Broken, But Beautiful.”
“I wont be seeing my band anytime soon.” She said.
She set the medicine bottles on the bed for me to see. Cymbalta and Ibuprofen.
She picked up the Cymbalta bottle. “I got this the day before yesterday from my doctor.” She said as she opened the bottle. “I was prescribed to take 60 mg daily.” She shook out around thirteen tablets and handed them to me. “I just took around sixteen. Each tablet of 30 mg.” she said. She opened the Ibuprofen, and shook out around five. “I don’t know how dangerous this is, and I don’t care.” She handed those to me as well. “I just took about that much medicine. I’m spending my last breaths by you.”
I looked at her. She was seriously going to do this with me?
She spoke again. “You have a choice, Gerard. You can take the pills, or do what I suggest, and go to the doctor.” She was in hysterics.
I stared at her. I got up, and grabbed a water bottle.
I swallowed the medications with the water. I sat next to her. “We’re in this together.” I told her. I was in tears.
“Gerard, I’m sorry in doing this to you.” She said.
“Don’t be. I had a choice, and I’d die with you any day.” I said.
I had been lying next to her, with her in my arms for about fifteen minutes when I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I groaned.
Helena was still crying. So was I.
A minute later, Helena cried out in pain. “Gerard, it hurts.” She whispered.
“I know.” I told  her. I was in excruciating pain. My I felt as if I was being stabbed in the stomach repeatedly with a fork.
She took out a piece of paper and stuck it to the headboard with a piece of gum.
“What’s that?” I asked her.
“Suicide not with Anthony and Mikey’s numbers. Y’know, for when they find us.” she said.
We were both shivering.
“Helena, I’m gonna be sick.”
“Please don’t, Gerard. Then it might not work.” She said.
I successfully tried to stop myself from throwing up. I was sweating, but I was cold. My stomach felt worse than it had twenty minutes ago, and I felt extremely nauseous. I could barely breathe. It felt as if my throat was swelling up more than the fever had caused.
“I guess this is what death feels like.” I said.
“I guess it is.”
“I love you, Helena. I’d die for you, please don’t ever forget how much you mean to me.” I said through tears.
“I love you, too. You mean the world to me. Please remember that you’re the person I’ll be thinking about once I take my last breath.” She said. She sounded like she was in a great deal of pain. I hope she wasn’t hurting the way I was. I felt terrible, and I didn’t want her to have to be in that much pain.
“You’ll be in my last thoughts, too.” I said.
I loved her more than anything in the world. I hoped she knew that. I know it took a lot for her to make the decision to die with me. I know how hard it must have been. My body felt numb. I pulled her in for a long kiss.
It was the last kiss we ever shared.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Couple Found Dead in Motel Room
News Article By Kayla Murillo
 
Last Friday while cleaning bedrooms at Motel 6, Israel Quintanilla discovered the bodies of Gerard Way, 19, and Helena Grey, 19. “They were positioned like they were hugging each other while lying down.” Said Israel. Post-mortem examinations show both teens had overdosed on painkillers and antidepressants. Way had been suffering from scarlet fever at its worst stage, even though he’d only been sick for an estimate of 38 hours. Both victims had run away to live with Grey’s parents in Florida. Way lived at Claremont Mental Institution since age seventeen, after he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Way’s brother and father say they will be suing Claremont Mental Institution for not giving Gerard his needed medications to prevent the fever, however, they may not be able to receive the money since the cause of death was suicide. Grey left a suicide note in which she mentioned her love for Way, and that she refused to have him die without her. Grey’s friend, Anthony Robinson, was mentioned in her suicide note, and he was quickly contacted and interviewed. “I had no idea they’d be dying. She just told me they’d be running away together.” Said Robinson. In the note, Grey also mentioned people by the name of Frank and Danielle. Police have yet to investigate who these people are.
 
 

 
Helena Grey
February, 2012
 
            There are no words to describe my love for Gerard Way. When I first told him I loved him, he seemed shocked. He felt that it was impossible to be loved because he suffered from schizophrenia. I feel that Claremont Mental Institution should be shut down for making their patients feel this way. When you read this note, please contact Gerard’s brother, Mikey Way, at (201) 309-4314 and tell him I’m sorry. He knew Gerard was sick, but he didn’t see this coming. He didn’t know his brother would be dead. Tell him I apologize for it all. Mikey was like a little brother to me.
            Please also contact my best friend, Anthony Robinson at (201) 314-5679 and tell him about my death. I didn’t call him before, because it would have been too hard for me to tell him myself. Tell him I’m sorry for not calling, and that I’m sorry for doing this to him.
            I realized that Gerard was sick. I knew he was dying. I’d rather die too, than see him go. I wouldn’t have been able to live life without him. We were meant to be together, till death do us part, but unfortunately, death came a little sooner than expected
            I guess Frank and Danielle got what they both wanted.
 
Xoxo, Helena