Firefight

We wake up at 6:30 am to the alarm on your phone. Our legs are tangled and it takes us a while to find your phone in the covers. You turn the alarm off then throw your phone at me, frowning. You've got 18 text messages, and 2 voice mails. All of them are from guys on your basketball team. You had a game the day before. I mark all your messages as read, and clear the notifications on your voice mail and decide to keep your phone. I know you're going to get a lot of texts today. I've decided I'm not letting you go to school, even if you try.

We lay in bed ignoring the world for a few hours until your mother calls your name. She tells you that she's going out with your father to do paperwork, and your brothers are both at school. I know they weren't as close to your grandmother as you were, no one was.

I eventually drag you downstairs. I'm getting hot cooped up in your room and we have the house to ourselves. You insist on watching Spongebob and wont take no for an answer. I groan, dropping next to you on the couch because it's a marathon and you won't stop after one episode.

The doorbell rings at 10am, and I get up to answer it without any thought. When I open the door I'm met with the surprise of a face I know too well. Eric Halvorsen is standing on your front porch staring at me like I'm an alien. Neither of us say a word. It's an uncomfortable silence that we don't know how to break.

"Halvo?" your voice makes me jump. Eric switches his gaze over to you. I can tell he's confused. It may be because I'm standing in your doorway, but I think it's because you look like a disaster. He asks if you're going to school today, and you tell him you'll be back in a few days. He nods, then leaves. As I close the door I worry that he'll tell your team, and you'll be kicked off. That's the last thing I want to happen.

You know exactly how I feel, and you wrap your arms around me, leaning your forehead against mine. You assure me that Eric won't say anything and I believe you. I always believe you.

I Saw Her Again Last Night by The Mamas & The Papas is playing softly from your living room and you start to sway. I smile when your hands find my hips, and I wrap my arms around your neck.

This is us. This is what I've missed so much. Dancing with you is normal. We've always been closer than we should have been, but our parents never stopped us, and we grew up to be attached at all times. My heart aches at the thought of letting you go. I don't want to be without you again, it would hurt way too much.

As the song comes to an end, you tighten your grip causing me to do the same. You laugh lightly, and I know I'm holding you too hard, but I don't let go until your fingers pinch my sides, making me pull back by reflex.

You go to get a drink and I sit on your couch letting out a breath. You've survived fine without me to this point, but I'm caving. I'm so close to holding you and not letting you go, not letting you back with your basketball team, not letting you out of my sight. I need to learn to control myself around you. The time I spent away from you hasn't done me any good. It's just made everything that much worse.

You walk into the living room with a glass of water. You've lost your appetite and I'm worried.

I'm always worried about you.

You place the glass on the coaster next to my seat and crawl onto my lap. I accept you with open arms, just as you knew I would. I can't say no to you. I just can't. You hold on to me and stay silent. I want to say something to you- I'm dying to say anything to you, but I can't. I still don't know what I can and can't talk about with you. I used to be able to say anything to you. There was never a limit on topics, or words, or the level of emotion emitted. You were my confidant. I told you everything about whatever was on my mind and you did the same. We listened to each other, but now we just seem to be silent. I don't know if it's because you're upset over your grandma, or if you're uncomfortable. I pray it isn't the latter. I don't want you to ever feel uncomfortable around me, or feel scared to tell me something because I know I'll listen, and I won't judge you. I thought you knew that too, but I'm doubting it.

"Sing to me." Your voice breaks the silence.

I go to tell you I can't sing but you put your hand over my mouth, cutting me off. "You can sing, Ken, just do it." I pull your hand off my mouth and ask you what song you want me to torture you with.

You smile at me and tell me you don't care what song it is, and I tell you that I won't sing to you unless you give me a song. You tell me to sing Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World and I sigh, giving in.

Just as I'm about to start you stand, pulling me up with you.

You're going to make me dance with you and sing at the same time. I groan and you laugh, pulling me flush to your chest. Your right hand grabs my left, and your left goes around my waist. I drape my right arm over your shoulder. You being to sway and hum the song. I add in the lyrics and your head drops to my shoulder.

The first tear hits my shoulder as I reach the chorus and you pull me close. I don't know if I'm going to be able to continue singing. Hearing you cry kills me inside. It hurts me so much, I don't know if I'm going to be able to bear the next few minutes.

I stop the song and you stop swaying. You cry into my shoulder and I let you. I let you hold on to me as we stand in your living room. I can feel my shirt sticking to my chest from all your tears. I run my hand down your side trying to bring you back to me. You're lost in your mind. You stop crying and start coughing and I pull away so you can breathe.

"Please don't leave me." You beg, coughing some more. I pull you close again.

"I'm not going anywhere, calm down." I place my hands up the back of your shirt, and run my thumbs along your spine.

Your breathing is ragged and you're digging your fingers into my shoulders. I hold back tears, press my lips against your temple and wait.

I don't know what I'm waiting for, but I know it's worth it because it's for you.