When He Smiles

He was always so serious, emotionless. It seemed like a scowl was permanently etched onto his face, his pouty and full lips always in a frown. But it’s those brief and sporadic moments, when he thinks no one is watching him, that his frown is erased and the corners of his mouth twitches upwards. His eyes crease and he barely shows his teeth if he can help it; only because he thinks his teeth are ugly. It’s those moments when I can’t tear my eyes away from him because he is the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen. Where he is the only thing that matters in those moments; the moments when he smiles.

“Tommy?” He was sitting on the edge of the bed when I woke, his bare back facing me. I can tell by the way he is slouching that he’s staring grumpily into nothing, the sunlight lighting up his skin, his tattoos.

He doesn’t answer, and I’m not surprised. He doesn’t even turn. I sit up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes before reaching out to him, letting my hand rest gently on his shoulder. I’m careful because I know he injured it a few weeks ago, but he hasn’t told me why or how. He’s a closed book, that one; full of misery and mystery. I just want to help him, but he never lets me too close.

I ask again, “Tommy, what are you doing?”

He gets up from the bed and walks out of the room and I sigh. I’ll get through to him, I think. Just give him time, Missy. I throw the covers away from my legs and stretch, raising my arms high above my head. Yawning, I get up from the bed and walk into the bathroom across the room.

Brushing my teeth, I stare into the mirror and wonder… why me? What’s so special about me that Tommy sticks around for? My hair is a plain blonde, falling at my shoulders. My eyes, they’re okay. They’re a simple brown. I was average, nothing special and yet he’s always here with me.

“You’re doing it again,” He speaks roughly, a slight accent to his deep voice that breaks my concentration. I snap my gaze to his from the mirror to acknowledge him, before quickly looking away – embarrassed.

I could feel shivers running down at the gruff texture of his voice, before he walks up behind me and turns me around by grabbing my hips. I don’t look at him, too ashamed that he caught me doubting myself. I was supposed to be confident, holding my head high but he’s so shut off from me that I feel like it’s me.

“It’s not you,” He whispers as if he can read my mind. I look up at him in awe. He leans down to close the gap between us before his lips are pressed to mine. He pulled away before I could respond. “I’ll be back later.”

And then he’s gone again.

I let out a shaky breath before I gather my clothes and walk into the bathroom once more, taking a shower. Once I’m done and dressed, I decide to clean the house a little. I clean the kitchen up from last night before I straighten up the living room. After I’m done, I look at the clock to see that I’ve barely killed two hours.

I sit down on the couch and relax. The TV is off, and there are no distractions. I think back to Tommy, and wonder where he goes when he takes off. I couldn’t bring myself to ask even though I doubted he would answer. I didn’t want him to think that I’m one of those girls that care about every moment of his every day. The only thing that matters to me is that he comes back to me and to be honest, I’m a little shocked each time I see him walk through the door. Then I wonder what makes him so cut off. What’s he hiding within himself that he feels he can’t share with me?

I didn’t know how long I was sitting there thinking about Tommy, but my thoughts was broken by the door opening and closing again, before Tommy emerged from the hallway. He was sweaty and panting slightly, but I didn’t say anything. I offered him a small smile, but he didn’t return it.

“Are you hungry?” I asked, and he shrugged, slipping carefully out of his jacket. His arm was bothering him again, among other things.

“Whatever you want to make is fine,” He slipped off to the bathroom and it wasn’t but a few minutes before I heard the shower running. I got up from the couch and ventured into the kitchen to prepare dinner.

Settling for chicken Alfredo, I started to grill the chicken while the pasta noodles boiled. I heard Tommy walking around after he exited the bathroom. I sighed when I heard the clinking of his flask. I ignored it though, carrying on with cooking until everything was done and I tossed them together, adding the sauce.

“Tommy?” I walked to the edge of the kitchen, where the tile met with carpet and frowned when I saw him lying back on the couch, his eyes closed. He didn’t seem to be sleeping, so I walked closer to him to shake him. His eyes opened softly, and he looked at me with his natural glare.

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?” I asked, biting my lip. “You know if anything is bothering you, you can always talk to me about it.” I rested my hand in the crease of where his shoulder and neck met, caressing his neck with my thumb. He sat up, brushing my touch off of him.

“There’s nothing to talk about, okay?” he stood up, like he was going to leave again but turned back to look down on me. “Don’t worry about me, okay? I’m fine.”

“I worry, Tommy, but not about you.” I watched his eyebrows knit together in confusion. “I worry about us. You’re tearing us farther apart than we were to start with. I can’t handle the silence from you anymore. Please, Tommy. Please open up to me.” I brought my hand up to rub my forehead.

“Open up to you? What do you want me to open up about, huh?” He was just standing a few feet from me, I could tell he was on edge, but so was I.

“Anything, everything!” I began to plead. “I can tell your battling with something, you're demons maybe?”

“My demons, huh?” He sniffed, pursing his lips together before smacking his teeth. “You want me to tell you about my drunk of a father? You want me to tell you about my tours, is that what you want to hear? That I haven’t talked to my brother in years, or that I haven’t even met his family? Is this all the stuff you want to hear about?”

I watched him fume, and I blinked rapidly to keep the tears at bay. “I want to help you, Tommy.”

“Well, I don’t need help.” He turned to walk out of the door, but this time I ran after him. I pushed the door closed as he was opening it, my arm stretched passed his shoulder.

“It’s okay,” I whispered, slipping my small frame between him and the door, reaching up to cup his cheeks. “I want to be there for you, I want to be the person you turn to when you need anything, even if it’s just to talk. Please, don’t shut me out, Tommy. I need you.”

He sighed, tossing his head back. “Tommy.”

I called his name to get his attention back, and once I had it, I smiled. “You’re not alone anymore. Patch things up with your brother, or don’t. Forgive your father, but never forget and tell me when you need me, and I’ll always be there.”

He let his head fall, and I brought him into me, letting his head fit onto my shoulder. His arms instantly wrapped themselves around my waist. I ran my hand through his shortly cut brown hair to soothe him. He hadn’t said anything, but I could tell this was a start.

I don’t know how long we stood like that, five minutes, an hour? I didn’t care, and I would of gladly stood there with him in my arms all night.

When he finally looked up and at me, I felt the corners of my mouth turn up into a small smile; glad I was finally making some progress with him.

“It was never my intention to make you feel like I didn’t care about you,”

“I never felt that way,” I admitted. “I just wanted to help you; I could tell you were struggling.”

“In return, let me help you.”

Curious, I smirked up at him. “What do I need help with?”

“You doubt yourself too much,” He brought his hand up to caress my face, his thumb moving back and forth over my cheek. “You think you’re not good enough, or pretty enough. I can see it every time you look in the mirror. You think I don’t notice it, either.” He paused, glancing down at me and I suddenly felt naked under his gaze. It was the kind of naked that made me feel vulnerable, like he could see straight through me and I had to look away from him. “You’re beautiful to me, I love everything about you.”

I blushed, finding the courage to look back and him and bit my lip to keep from smiling. It was when I looked back at him that time seemed to stop in its place. Everything seemed to blur out of focus until it was just him. It was one of those moments again, and I didn’t think I’d see it so soon. It always caught me by surprise because it was so rare, but I savored it the best I could. His eyes were squinted slightly, and the crease showed beside them. His lips were parted, showing off his white teeth. He was smiling at me.

He had this way of making all my doubts wash away with a simple touch. His eyes held torture, but mostly admiration when he looked at me. But it’s the moment I knew everything would be alright between us, that everything would be okay; when he smiles.