A Ballad of Love and Hate

Conor liked me.

No. I had to stop thinking like that.

Because I was probably just making things up to flatter myself.

But he did approach me in New York those months ago.

And while I was the one who initiated the kiss, he was quick to give it back.

“Ow, shit Noah that hurt!” Ryan screamed in agony as I accidentally poked him with a needle.

“Damnit, Ry, I’m sorry sweetie, you can step off the platform,” I sighed, taking my glasses off and setting them on my sewing table.

Ryan and I were back in New York for a bit, working in my studio as the men’s line was needing to go out as soon as possible.

“You’re thinking too much right now,” Ryan looked at me. I ran my hands through my now short shoulder length hair and touched Ryan’s face.

“Only about how crazy I am for you,” I smiled. I was lying and I felt bad for doing so. But what could I say, ‘hey Ryan, I’m thinking about the idea that your best friend has a crush on me!’

Not so much.

Ryan pulled me into his lap and kissed my forehead.

“Noah, you know I love you too, and I appreciate the sentiment, but I also know you’re lying. Seriously, if this line is draggin on you, we can work something out, I mean, I am an investor,” he grinned cockily.

“No, this is great, I love this. I just think too much, that’s all. But hey, you’ve got a big meet coming up in like, three days, you should focus on that,” I smiled.

“Yeah, I am, you know it’s my first meet with you as my girlfriend again, you’re going to be there right?” He questioned. We hadn’t really talked about if I was going to the meet or not.

I also knew going would make me face Conor.

“Yeah, Ry, I’ll be there,” I promised, giving him a soft kiss on the cheek.

I didn’t want to face Conor but I also knew this meant the world to Ryan for me to be there.

This was going to be interesting.

I decided to bring my assistant, Lily along with me to the meet. I needed her to answer my emails for me through the phone and also keep me sane.

“Noah, I feel like an idiot right now with how I look,” Lily complained. And this was true, Lily looked completely out of place, in proper work attire of a New York day but not for a day at the pool in Florida.

You’re fine, Lily, just keep taking my calls and emails, then it makes sense to people,” I assured her before I began peeking my head up to look for Ryan and his team.

“Oh my gosh, who is that beautiful man behind your boyfriend,” Lily said in awestruck at the team came out.

"It's just Devon Lochte, he's Ryan's little brother," I shrugged, trying hard not to laugh. I didn't want to offend Lily's taste in men.

"can I meet him?" She inquired. I smiled, remembering Lily was in fact only 22 and told her yes.

I watched Ryan get ready to get in the water for the relay. He began stretching his arms, swinging them back and forth, flexing his arm muscles.

God he was sexy. He adjusted his cap a final time and looked my way. I blew a kiss in his direction and he gave me a smirk with a head nod.

I couldn't help but Conor watch ever slightly at our interactions and sigh a little.

Maybe I needed to talk to him.

The announcer told the swimmers to take their mark. I watched Ryan step up on the blocks. I grew excited that I was finally seeing him swim in person again after so many years.

The annoying beep sounded and Ryan swiftly jumped into the water and swam the free. He looked so focused and in the game.

As he took his turn I stood up to get a better view. He was clearly in the lead. I screamed for him as he went on and touched his final wall as his brother dove in.

"Alright Ryan!" I screamed. I saw his smile and knew he had heard me.

As Devon finished and their third teammate kept the pace it was time for Conor to play his anchor position and keep the lead. I anxiously watched on and saw his pace worsen as he made his way down the lane.

"He can't find his stream," I said grabbing Lily's arm as I saw Conor lose first place and see the team come in second.

I saw Ryan sink a little and Conor look down in defeat.

No something definitely wasn't right. Any other time, Conor would have finished that no problem.

When it was all over, I made my way down with Lily to find the guys.

"Babe, I'm sorry I didn't get all gold," Ryan said in defeat. Conor rolled his eyes and scoffed.

"Conor your sexual frustration is ruining our chemistry," Ryan snapped at Conor and said.

Conor rolled his eyes in return and stormed away.

“Hey, it’s okay, you’ll always be my golden boy,” I smiled, stroking Ryan’s arm.

“Come to the podium with me,” he smiled, kissing my cheek. I looked over at Conor who sighed deeply before turning his back on me.

Yes. I would definitely need to clear the air with him. And soon.

I went to the podium area with Ryan for him to receive his individual medals. Ryan stood there, so proud of his work. He looked over to me and gave me a warm smile.

Lily came back and met me with a grin on her face.

“Devon thinks I’m cute, Noah,” She grinned. I jokingly rolled my eyes.

“Maybe we can all go out when this is done,” I suggested, seeing Lily’s smile grow.

When the medal ceremony ended, we went up to the boys, Conor was no where in sight.

“So we need to celebrate the fact that you guys just kicked ass, am I right?” I said, high fiving Devon, taking delight in the fact this would be our first time drinking together.

“Shots on shots!” Devon yelled, picking me up and spinning me around.

“Devon, find your own girlfriend, I don’t get what’s with you guys and Noah,” Ryan snapped, pulling me into his embrace.

“Ryan, dude, it was a joke,” Devon replied. I watched Lily watch the situation and I began to feel a little nervous due to the tension.

“Ryan?” I asked. He looked down at me and smiled.

“Let’s go,” he simply said.

“What about Conor?” Lily pipped up, no longer feeling intimidated.

“Conor’s not invited,” Ryan replied. He held my hand firmly as we made our way out of the aquatic center.

I guess maybe Ryan was feeling the same vibe I was feeling as well. And this would not turn out okay.

We went to our respected places and changed for the night. As I was applying my make-up, Ryan lazily sat on his bed, gazing at sportscenter.

“Ryan, talk to me,” I said from the bathroom.

“Okay, what do you want to talk about?” He asked.

“How about what just happened,” I stated coming out of the bathroom. I sat next to Ryan on the bed and he sighed and played with my hair.

“Noah, it’s not a secret that Conor likes you, I caught on,” he said.

“I just figured it out too,” I frowned.

“So I got a little possessive of you. I know Devon wouldn’t try anything but it just got to me. It didn’t mean to come off like that,” he explained.

“Let me talk to Conor, I think in some ways, a lot of ways, this is my fault,” I said.

“I don’t know, Noah, I don’t trust him right now. I mean, he was talking about you to Nathan apparently and Nathan called and told me all about it,” Ryan stood and buttoned up his shirt.

“But you trust me, Ry, come on, he’s your best friend, we need to clear the air, to help us all,” I said as I rubbed Ryan’s forearm.

“He’s kissed you before, Noah, I just can’t trust him,” Ryan shook his head and sat up from the bed.

I sighed, I wasn’t going to get through to Ryan that talking to Conor would be important.

But somehow, I needed to make this right.

At the bar, Ryan, Devon, Lily and I all sat down and took shots of patron. I was faking a smile for Ryan’s sake but Conor couldn’t leave my mind. He would usually be here too. He would be the one causing the riot with Ryan. And while Devon was fun, he was still a little kid in my eyes, not someone I could have bar conversation with like I could with Conor.

“Noah, you okay?” Ryan asked, putting a hand on the small of my back.

“I actually don’t think I feel so well, I’m going to catch a cab back to your place” I said.

“I’ll go with you then,” Ryan helped me up but I protested.

“No, stay, celebrate with your brother, this is the first of many Lochte brother wins together, I’ll be fine,” I said, kissing his cheek and grabbing my handbag.

“Noah, I’m not going to just let my girlfriend go drunkenly by herself,” he laughed at my idea.

“Ryan, I will let you put me in the cab, but I want you to stay out and celebrate, really, I’m not ruining your victory,” I put my foot down this time and kept a stern face. Ryan sighed and defeat and led me out of the bar.

“Once you unlock the door and get inside, call me,” he said when he opened the cab door for me. I pulled him into a warm kiss before I got in the cab to drive away.

“University of Florida, but take this next left, not the right,” I instructed my cab driver, wanting it to look like I was going home like I said I was.

The cab driver nodded and took the next left. I was on my way to see Conor.

When I got to his apartment just barely off campus, I knocked swiftly on the door, not hearing much noise coming from inside. Conor swung open the door, shocked to see me on his doorstep.

“Noah, what are you doing here?” He asked in a surprised tone.

“Conor Dwyer do you have feelings for me?” I blurted out. Conor went pale and opened the door wider for me to come in.

“Am I that obvious? Is that why Ryan hates me?” He asked, flopping down on the couch.

“Well, yes, the fact that you like his girlfriend, you know how Ryan is, but look, we need to talk about this. You so don’t want to date me, Conor, you just like the idea of me,” I explained.

“That’s the thing, Noah, I don’t just like the idea of you, I like all of you,” Conor sat up and looked at me straight in the eyes.

“Conor, you need a girl who is not going through a hundred and ten problems and a freak about her job, you need like a granola mixed with sorority girl who likes football and Chanel all in one,” I said, not making much sense as I was slightly drunk.

“Noah, I know I can’t have you, don’t worry,” he chuckled. I sighed and sat next to Conor.

“That’s the thing, Conor, you shouldn’t even want to have me, I’m a mess, I have daddy issues and control everything, nothing peaches and herbs about me,” I tried explaining once more. Conor laughed at me and scooted closer.

“Noah, you don’t even see how great you are,” he whispered. I looked at him in the eyes.

His face came closer to mine. I could feel his breath on my lips. I looked at him confused before pulling away and sitting up.

“Conor, no, look, you need to just take whatever warm feeling I give you and squash it, okay? Ryan is your best friend and you really, really don’t want to be tangled in my drama,” I walked to the door and looked at him.

“But you put Ryan in your drama?” He questioned, standing up. I turned the door handle, regretting that I came over here.

“Ryan invited himself in that mess years ago,” I simply put.

“So maybe I’m inviting myself in too,” he grinned. I looked at him one last time, giving him a confused and frustrated look.

“It’ll always be Ryan, Conor, no matter what,” I put harshly before walking out of the apartment and down to the cab that waited for me.

It was definitely a huge mistake coming here.

I got to Ryan’s house and saw I had missed calls and texts. I was about to call Ryan back when I heard the front door open.
“Noah, what the hell?! I thought you died!” He said, pulling me into a deep embrace.

“No, I’m still alive, sorry, I should have called, I got distracted,” I said not completely telling a lie.

“Well now that I know you’re alive,” he grinned, pulling me into his arms. I kissed him deeply and then pulled away.

“Ry, I’m really not feeling well,” I expressed, feeling tired and overwhelmed by the fact that Conor just won’t leave things alone.

“okay, okay, we won’t do anything, come on, let’s go to bed,” he took my hand and led me into the bedroom. I put on one of Ryan’s cashmere’s and climbed into bed with Ryan.

The whole night I felt uncomfortable. I couldn’t stop thinking about the mess I’ve caused. I lied to Ryan more than once today. I divided him and his best friend. I was feeling like everything was once again out of control.

Unsure if I even slept or not, I woke up to my phone going off.

“I have an amazing opportunity for you,” Lily said immediately. I removed myself from Ryan and went downstairs to hear the story Lily had for me.

“Go on,” I said.

“Okay so since your mens line is practically done and all that’s left is grunt work, how would you feel about going to Lybia and working for six months?” She asked. I immediately wanted to say yes, but I had to stop to think about it.

Getting away right now would be the best thing in the world. But leaving Ryan for six months would drive him insane, especially since we just got back together.

“God, Lily, you know I have always wanted to study the fashion in the middle east but I also know that Ryan would go mad,” I sighed, falling on the couch, having to skip this opportunity at such an opportune time.

“Noah, this is a huge dream of yours and one of the hardest for you to achieve and they are inviting you and you alone to go, if Ryan is allowed to jet off to the Olympics, you should be able to do this.

I was about to speak up when I heard Ryan coming downstairs.

“Lily, I’ll call you later,” I said quickly, getting up to greet Ryan.

“What was that about,” he asked pulling away from me.

“An opportunity Lily had for me,” I sighed, going to the kitchen to get some water and cut up fruit for the morning.

“This is the part where you tell me about it,” he laughed lightly.

“It’s an opportunity to do work in Lybia for six months, I’m not going to take it,” I shrugged. Ryan took my hands and made me stop distracting myself.

“Noah, you’re dream of going to the middle east, the one you have had since we were dating in Beijing, is finally being presented to you and you’re not going to take it, that’s dumb,” I searched Ryan’s eyes for answers.

“Ryan, we are finally in a good place, finally together again, I can’t just up and leave,” I laughed a little. Ryan pulled me into his arms.

“Noah, I’m not letting you put a dream aside when you’ve let me live mine for so long,” he said, kissing my forehead.

“And what will happen for six months?” I asked him.

“We will figure it out, we always do somehow it seems,” he smiled.

I looked into his eyes, he looked so certain as I searched them. I pulled him into a deep kiss, thankful for all the support he had been given me lately.

I was going to Lybia.