A Ballad of Love and Hate

I stared at my mother. What was she doing here? Why after so long we were apart was she back?

“Well are you going to let me in, Noah?” She asked, tapping her foot impatiently. I moved aside and opened the door for her to come in.

“What are you doing here, mom?” I asked. My mother sat at the kitchen table and looked at me.

“Noah Henderson, when were you going to call me and tell me that you’re not only getting married but you have been shot?” She said getting to the point. My face fell a little bit.

“Well I just got home four days ago,” I tried to defend.

“Four days too long without telling us, Noah, you’re father had to call all over just to find out who your doctor was. He called in New York and here in Gainesville after we found out you were engaged to Ryan thanks to page six,” I could tell that I had offended and embarrassed my family.

“Not to mention, we didn’t even know you had left the country to study in Libya until we got the message that you were shot,” she went on.

“I’m sorry, you guys haven’t heard from me in a few years so I don’t know, I figured you didn’t care,” I shrugged, reaching for two glasses for water.

“Noah, of course I care, look, honey, I know you’re angry about how you grew up and everything but your father and I, we’re in a much better place,” she sighed. I gripped onto the counter and looked at her.

“Mother, I would be happily married by now with Ryan if it weren’t for the hell I grew up in. We wouldn’t have separated for four years if it weren’t for that. You let dad emotionally abuse you. I felt like my life was out of control as a child and Nathaniel,” I held back the tears as my mom held her hand up.

“Noah, we’re not getting into this. We are not to blame for all your issues. Now, we can start by talking about your fashion line, your father was very proud of you,” my mom tried to change the subject and make peace.

I was on the verge of exploding.

“Are you serious right now, mom? Like, you’re truly going to talk to me about my fashion line and how proud you are?! I left Florida and never looked back for anyone but Ryan. I came back and only came for Ryan. I went to Libya and GOT SHOT and didn’t tell you and it took you FOUR days to come and talk to me. It’s not like you didn’t know that Ryan was living here and we were back together, like you said, you saw on page six,” I raised my voice at my mother, shocked by her actions.

“Noah Marie, you keep making us the enemy and-”

“No, you guys ARE the enemy, mother,” I interrupted, “you allowed dad to yell at you and verbally abuse you by saying that he was just tired, he had a busy schedule and we needed to understand. You turned a blind eye to Nathaniel laying his hands on me. You have no idea how much that destroyed me,” I began crying. My mother looked steadily at me.

“Noah, your father is a respectable man, he had a hard time in the beginning of his residency and things got better when you kids got older, I’m sorry you feel the way you do. As for Nathaniel, Noah you never told us what he was doing, we just thought he was being a big brother,” my mom kept her voice even.

“How could you not know he was touching me? Do you not understand the hell I went through getting close to boys? Getting into relationships? I didn’t let Ryan touch me for almost six months into our relationship, you have no idea how hard that was on us. And then, when we get serious, I had never seen a healthy relationship and I tried to control everything and it broke us up. You guys ruined me,” I began to let my tears flow more, finally expressing to my mom what my upbringing did to me.

My mother was about to speak up when the door opened. Ryan came into the kitchen and looked at me crying and then looked at my mother.

“Noah? Are you okay?” He asked, pulling me into his arms and glaring at my mother.

“What the hell do you want?” Nathan asked her.

My mother stood and clutched to her bag once more.

“Ryan, I was here to congratulate you on your engagement, please let us know if there is anything you need of us. Noah, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to destroy your life, I can just let myself out,” I swore I saw tears coming from my mother through my own tears. I heard the living room door shut and I collapsed into Ryan’s arms and began crying even harder.

“Hey, Noah, it’s okay, try to stay calm, I don’t want you to hurt your wound, tell me what happened,” he said softly. I just kept crying.

Ryan picked my up bridal style and walked me upstairs to his room and laid me on the bed. He laid down next to me and held me in his arms.

I tried to stop the tears and tried to stable my breathing.

“I told my mother how I felt,” I said to Ryan through my uneven breathing.

“Noah, that’s great, you finally told her how you felt, baby, I’m so proud,” he said, holding me a little tighter around my waist. I felt the aching in my chest from my wound and winced a little.

“Want me to get some of that healing cream for you?” He asked. I nodded as he reached on the bedside table for the cream.

Ryan took off my sweater and gently rubbed the cream on my wound. He kissed where the bullet went delicately and lightly kissed my lips before lying back next to me.

“Ryan it was hard, she was so, emotionless, it’s like she didn’t understand. She came here to tell me how embarrassed she was to have to find out we were engaged through page six,” I turned around so I could face Ryan.

“I am so sorry, but at least she knows how you truly feel,” he tried to reason with me. I played with the hem of his t-shirt.

“Ryan, I’m so sorry I put you through all of this, my jacked up family, my emotional issues, everything that happened with Nathaniel,” I said. Ryan put a finger over my lips.

“Noah, you don’t have to apologize for any of that. I’m mentally strong, swimmers mind,” he laughed a little. Ryan wiped my eyes as I got on top of him and kissed him firmly on the lips.

“Ryan, I love you, you’re amazing,” I said in between kisses. I felt Ryan breathe heavily.

“Noah, this isn’t taking a br--eeak,” he said as I kissed his sensitive spot causing Ryan to go insane.

“Ryan, I haven’t had sex in over three months and neither have you, so are you saying you want to wait longer?” I questioned. Ryan looked at me.

“Trust me, Noah, I definitely am so tired of waiting,” Ryan sat up and rubbed my back and slowly unclasped my bra.

I stood to take off my leggings and looked at Ryan.

“You’re wearing far too many clothes,” I smirked, kissing down Ryan’s chest and pulling off his shorts and briefs together. Ryan gently rolled me over and kissed me all the way down to my center.

“Ry, you’re teasing me,” I groaned in frustration.

It had been far too long since I felt Ryan’s touch.

Ryan slid his tongue around me. Gently sliding it in and out. I grabbed the pillow behind me and moaned.

“Ryan, ugh,” I tried to complain that I just wanted him to do it already but he was indeed pleasing me with his tongue.

“Ryan, what? Tell me Noah?” he asked snaking his way up to my neck.

“You’re such a, ugh,” Ryan began sucking my neck and gently nibbling. Slowly, Ryan slid himself inside of me.

Painfully slow.

I cried out as everything felt amazing, mind blowing. I forgot what it felt like to be physical with Ryan, to be held by him, touched by him. To feel connected with him in all ways humanly possible.

As we both hit our climatic moments, Ryan panted down next to me and pulled me close.

“Ryan, thank you, not just for this but for all you’ve done for me,” I said. Ryan kissed me on the forehead.

“I love you, Noah, so much. You know I’m there for you, in all ways,” he told me earnestly. I snuggled into him.

Why was I so worried about getting married to Ryan so soon. He was so perfect for me. He had such a caring heart and loved me through all my junk. I was a fashion designer, I could work from anywhere, I just needed to be able to travel to New York which would be no issue.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Ryan asked. I looked at the ring that I wore on my finger.

“I’m just thinking about how much I want to get married,” I smiled. Ryan pulled my engagement ring up and kissed my hand.

“I can’t believe you’re finally wearing my ring,” Ryan said.

“I can’t believe you finally gave me one,” I joked.

“And Noah, I know your head is going through all the things that need to be worked out but I want you to know, it’s all going to work out. If you don’t want to move here to Gainesville, Noah, I’m serious when I say I would move for you,” he told me. I sat up and looked at him.

“Ryan, your training, your coaches are here, you can’t leave,” I said to him.

“Noah, maybe I’ve learned all I can through my coach and for dry training, I can get routines emailed to me. If you don’t want to stay here, we don’t have to,” Ryan said.

“No, Ry, I’m not going to do that to you, I will have offices where it’s necessary,” I said.

“Noah, if Gainesville brings back bad stuff and if your parents feel like they can just come over and upset you, I won’t have it, we can leave,” he said.

I sat back and thought about it.

“Moving would be awesome but I want you to really think about it before we make a final decision,” I said to him earnestly. Ryan bent down and kissed my shoulder.

“Come on, I think I still have some energy,” he grinned flipping me over for round two.

Maybe we both could have it all.