A Ballad of Love and Hate

[Noah]

I watched my iPad and iPhone sink slowly to the bottom of the cool down pool.

I watched Ryan walk away into the men’s locker room, more pissed than I have seen him in a while.

Ryan threw his cap into the stands before he fully disappeared as I stood there, still stunned.

I heard people whispering and pointing at me already. I grew annoyed standing there, and frustrated that people were already calling me fowl names.

I looked back at the pool and back at the locker room. I wasn’t sure what to do.

Especially since I wasn’t necessarily allowed to go into the locker room.

“Uh, Miss Wilson? We need to retrieve those items your fiancé threw in the water,” an official said to me.

“Then get them,” I snapped at the official before I stormed away into the men’s locker room.

When I got in the locker room, many of the men were whistling and screaming out profanities. I knew all of them and clearly all of them knew me. I rolled my eyes and stopped instantly in front of them all in their towels and speedos.

“Where’s Ryan?” I asked firmly to no one in particular.

“Where he always is when he’s pissed and anti-social, in the way back,” Matt Grevers said to me.

“Great,” I replied before turning on my heel to go to the back of the locker room.

“Oh and Noah? Whatever you did to piss Ryan off, try to fix it like ASAP, people are starting to talk about whether or not Ryan’s serious about swimming,” Matt said to me.

“Ryan’s serious, Matt, he’s just off right now, tell people to back off,” I snapped in defense before storming down the aisle to the back of the locker room.

I found Ryan on a bench with his head in his hands and legs bouncing anxiously. I frowned at his stature.

This wasn’t a normal demeanor Ryan had. He certainly had his fits of anger but in my many years of knowing him, I had never seen him anxious and panicked until now. A part of me felt bad and wanted to do nothing more than console him.

But I knew I had to stand my ground.

“So are we going to talk about what you just did or are you just going to sit here and sulk?” I asked in a harsh tone with my arms crossed.

Ryan shot up and looked at me. His eyes told me that he was not only angry but had a hint of hurt in them, that sparkle he always had after racing wasn’t there.

Something wasn’t right.

“You’re not allowed to be in here, Noah, and I have nothing to say, I think my actions said enough,” he snapped.

“I could really care the hell less that I’m not allowed in here, Ryan and your actions showed me you’re pissed with me but I think that was extremely uncalled for. Ryan, we’ve been through enough to where you can stop acting like a child and speak to me,” I said, continuing to have a strong tone and staying firm to my ground.

Ryan stood up and and sighed.

“Fine, Noah, let’s talk. Let’s start with you. I have done literally everything for you in the last six months. I had your back when all those old tools didn’t want to bank roll your line but I believed in you and spoke on your behalf and put my funds on the line,” he snapped.

“I never asked you to do that, I didn’t even know you were going to be at that meeting, in case you forgot, I didn’t necessarily care for you those days!” I yelled, standing up for myself.

“Great, but I’m not done. Next, I travel back and forth to make sure you don’t kill yourself as you starve yourself because you have this twisted view on control and your family sucked, I was there for you, ruining my training schedule but I didn’t care because you being okay was more important to me,” Ryan continued to list off.

“So then, you leave me to go to the fucked up area of the Middle East. I said nothing, I didn’t ask you to stay because I knew you would feel like I was holding you back and guess what? YOU GOT SHOT. And guess what Ryan had to do?” He was showing all these held back, pent up feelings.

“You came for me but I didn’t know it was out of obligation, Ryan, you didn’t have to be there for me through any of this. YOU put yourself there, I never asked!” I yelled. I felt other swimmers peeping to the back of the locker room as we continued to fight.

“Damnit, Noah! I’m not doing anything out of obligation it’s because I’m truly and deeply in love with you. I’m pissed because in all these moments, I have been there for you. And to be there for you more, I decide that I lived my dream of swimming and it’s time to let you shine so I quit and then you made me get back in the water, promising to be there for me every step of the way and guess what? You’re tied to your damn phone and that stupid tablet 95% of the time we’re here, including during my races!” He yelled.

I felt my firmness leaving. I felt tears welling in my eyes.

Ryan had been there for me more than anyone in the world and here I was, being selfish and breaking the promises.

I was being the Ryan from 2008.

“Ryan, I’m so sorry, you’re right. You have been there for me through so much, you have gone through hell and back for me and I, I have been so selfish,” I wiped my eyes as a few tears fell.

We were both silent for a few minutes before Ryan deeply sighed.

“You’ve been absent for a while, Noah. You’ve physically been here but you’ve been distracted, you are constantly e-mailing, calling, texting. You even stopped foreplay once to text Lily directions for an order,” Ryan said calmly. My tears fell down a little more.

“I can’t tell you how sorry I am, Ryan, I wish you would have pointed this out, I can step down, I can hire more,” I was going to keep going on but Ryan shook his head and laughed sadistically.

“Noah, you won’t step down because this is your empire, this is your Olympics right now. And I think that maybe, well maybe we jumped into things without fully thinking,” Ryan began speaking nervously. I felt my heart begin to pound inside of me, my breathing got heavier.

“Ryan, don’t say it,” I began to feel like I was losing my dignity.

“I’m not saying a permanent break up, Noah, I’m not even saying we break up, I’m just saying that we take some time to think,” Ryan spoke softly to me.

I began to full on sob. The other swimmers left the locker room, realizing this was not something to watch. Ryan pulled me in his arms and rubbed my back.

“I can be better, Ry, I swear,” I sobbed. Ryan kissed my forehead.

“I know, sweetheart, but I think it would be best to really look at how we can work this out. And we need to do it alone. If you move to Gainesville like planned, what is that really going to look like? If I leave Gainesville, I need to think about what that’s really going to look like. I don’t want to stop swimming, Noah, I realize that more than ever now and I love training at Florida, so I need to really think about this, it’s life altering for us both,” he spoke calmly and unevenly.

I kept crying on his bare chest. I felt like this was coming from nowhere. Like it was so unexpected. But as Ryan shared all his angered thoughts I realized that Ryan was holding a lot of emotions in the whole time we started seeing each other again. I also realized he was right. There had been no serious thinking once we got engaged. Sure, I decided to leave New York and I thought I had the details planned out but I clearly did not.

And we were both paying the price.

Ryan slightly pulled away and wiped my eyes. I mustered up a fake smile and nodded.

“You’re right, Ry, we need to think, and we should do that, alone,” I kept nodding, feeling the threat of tears again. Ryan pulled me back into his arms.

“This isn’t the end of us, Noah, hell, I want you to keep wearing that ring during this, let’s just take two weeks and reconvene. We’ll meet in Manhattan and talk it out, I really believe we can get through this,” Ryan assured me.

I pulled myself together and pulled away from Ryan.

“Okay,” I smiled fakely once again and wiped my eyes. Ryan also gave me a small smile and wiped my eyes a little before pulling me into a warm and loving kiss.

“I love you, Noah, you know that okay?” He said, pressing his forehead on mine.

“Yeah, I love you too, Ry,” I nodded slipping out of his grasp.

“I guess I’ll see you or I won’t, whatever,” I said awkwardly. Ryan chuckled a little bit.

“Two weeks, Noah, I’ll see you in two weeks,” he smiled.

I composed myself and made myself turn from Ryan and walk away. I kept composed as I walked out of the locker room.

This is in no way what I expected the outcome of today to be. But Ryan was right, we needed to think.

[Ryan]

As Noah walked out of the locker room, I wanted nothing more than to yell at her to come back, that I didn’t want to think, that I would do whatever she wanted me to do.

But I knew we would both feel regret in that decision further down the road.

I didn’t realize all the frustration I even had until I began to yell at her.

I yelled at her. What the hell was wrong with me? I never yell at Noah, even when she would scream at me before Beijing, I just spoke to her in an even tone. I wasn’t the type to yell.

I sat back down with my head in my hands and thought.

I missed her already. I wanted to chase after her and take it all back but this really was for the best. I didn't regret being there for her all those times, my anger go the best of me and I let my little frustrations out.

I heard the locker room door open and felt someone sit next to me.

“You wanna talk about it?” Conor asked. I looked up and sighed.

“We’re just taking time to think,” I said vaguely. Conor nodded and just sat there next to me. I saw Matt come back too and sit on the other side of me.

“You know, I honestly never had to deal with any of this with Annie but I do know this, relationships take a ton of work that’s hard for people like us to keep up with. And now your girl is like a dominating force, I feel for you man,” Matt patted my shoulder.

We sat in silence for a moment.

“Was I wrong? Should I have sent her away for a couple weeks?” I asked. No one spoke.

“I think you did what you needed to do,” Matt said, standing up. I stood up and hugged both Matt and Conor.

I hated this. This was going to be two weeks of hell. I hated having to sit and think.

And I hated more that I was going to have to be away from Noah for that time.