A Ballad of Love and Hate

[Noah]

Shame. Disgust. His lingering touch.

That’s what I felt when I woke up the next morning after the fashion show.

Why did I let Ryan get to me again? Why didn’t I just smack him hardly in the face and walk away? Was I that weak of a person when it came to him? Would I really cave to his touch that easily?

I pulled the blankets over my head. I couldn’t face the world today. I felt too ashamed. I had once again fell into the arms of Ryan Lochte. A man who I no longer loved.

“Noah, come on open up!!” I heard Lily banging on my door. She clearly didn’t get that I was not ready to face the world.

I made no attempt to get out of bed as she kept knocking. I heard some keys jingling as she searched for the key I had given her on her key ring. Finally I heard the door open and Lily’s heels click through my apartment and into my room.

“Noah, why are you hiding depressed like under the blankets? You’re all the talk!” I could tell Lily was excited. I rolled my eyes and sat up.

“Because I fucking hate Ryan Lochte,” I growled. She looked shocked at my profanity and my appearance.

“Noah you look like a hot mess right now,” Lily said, fixing her own long brown hair, hoping she didn’t look as rough as I did.

“And why do you hate Ryan Lochte now? Besides the obvious of him embarrassing you so publicly, I didn’t know he’d be so mad at you for not talking to him,” she said confused about his actions last night.

“That and I decided it’d be a good idea to have sex in the back office room with him last night,” I groaned, falling back down on my pillow. Lily dropped her phone and bag on the floor in shock, coming to sit next to me.

“You didn’t sleep with him? Noah, please tell me you’re just joking,” she begged. I shook my head and put a pillow over my face.

“Oh I did. And you know what? It felt great in the moment, remembering what it was like with him and then, I woke up,” I said, not giving Lily all the details.

“Well, at least you got celebratory sex after a successful show with a hot guy,” Lily was always looking for the bright side.

“Does anyone know you think?” I asked. Lily shrugged and turned on E! for anything that might show up.

They were of course talking about fashion week.

“The Ralph Lauren show wrapped it all up last night, revealing Noah Henderson’s line to be the next big thing of women’s fashion. Of course, the highlight was when Henderson’s ex-boyfriend, swimming star, Ryan Lochte, decided to intervene in conversation Noah was having with someone else. Lochte used explicit words loudly in front of those in attendance and Henderson pulled him roughly aside. The two talked privately and no news on what happened, the question remains as to whether or not the two can rekindle their love,” the female reporter spoke. I felt relief that there was not even a murmur of us sleeping together.

“Thanks Molly, now to your question, what do you think? Do you think Noah and Ryan can get back together?” The male co-anchor asked.

“Oh definitely. Lochte was clearly jealous of the mere fact Noah was talking to another guy, after many years and there have been zero reports on Noah dating after Ryan and her broke up. I think it’s clear, both of them are battling this love/hate deal and can’t get it together but I have a feeling a lion has been awakened,” Molly smiled. I rolled my eyes and turned the TV off.

“You’re making news, that’s great!” Lily said, dragging me out of bed to get showered and dressed. I complained the whole time.

I tried to wash Ryan away but as I showered, the night only came back to me more vividly. Why was all I could keep asking myself.

I didn’t love Ryan like that stupid anchor thought. I hated Ryan. I hated all that he did to me. And I have totally dated since Ryan. Just nothing serious at all. I had school to finish and a career to start, I didn’t want anyone in the way of that.

I hopped out of the shower and put on a water colored patterned pencil skirt and a black racer-bank tank top. I put a blazer over top and wrapped a scarf around my neck. I wore black pointed heels and let my hair fall down wavy, reaching to my mid back.

“Now that’s better,” Lily grinned when I was finally ready. I rolled my eyes once more and left with her to the office.

When we got in, everyone stood to applaud what had happened last night. I grinned, thanking them all for their hard work and support before I made my way into my office. Today would be a day of going back to the grind, working on new designs and more designs for the line. I would also meet with investors in two weeks to talk about a mens line that is in the works.

I opened the door to my office, feeling much better than I did just an hour before when I saw Ryan standing in my office, looking at the photos on my wall.

“You really have some nerve,” I snapped, startling him from his position.

“Damn, Noah, you could give me some warning,” he said, still a little shaken by my sudden burst.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, closing the door and blinds.

“Oh you’re closing everything, did you want a repeat?” He smirked. I could have smacked him right there.

“You wish,” I replied, with a small smirk back. He shrugged.

“I can dream,” he said, “but the real reason I came was because I owe you an apology,” he explained. I nearly fell to the ground.

Ryan wanted to apologize.

“I’m sorry?” I questioned, thinking maybe I didn’t hear him correctly.

“I need to apologize. I was drunk, I shouldn’t have yelled so inappropriately, especially on your big day,” he explained to me.

I was still in shock.

“So, you’re actually really sorry?” I asked after the moment had passed, wanting to make sure.

“Well yeah, but as for the way we ended last night? Nah, I’m not sorry about that,” he grinned.

“It won’t happen again,” I said in a final and firm tone.

“Oh really?” He asked walking towards me.

“You really don’t have that charm over me anymore, Ryan,” I crossed my arms as he pulled my hair back and kissed my cheek lightly.

“I think you like it,” he whispered in my ear.

“No, Ryan, I don’t like it, in fact, I hate it,” I backed away and opened my office door.

“Okay, you’re right, we broke up for a reason, yeah?” He said.

“More than one,” I reminded him as he nodded. I fought the idea of starting something physical with him.

Ryan put his hands in his pockets and looked at me once more.

“You’ve lost a lot of weight, Noah, don’t think I haven’t noticed. Is that why you’ve grown your hair out?” He asked. I pursed my lips and said nothing.

“Be wise, Noah,” he sighed before walking out.

Ryan was no idiot. Especially when it came to my health.

I went to the bathroom and looked at the reflection in the mirror. I didn’t look unhealthy. But I did drop three sizes and twenty pounds. It wasn’t all that drastic of a loss but it was a loss that had been handled wrongfully. I pulled my hair back, my shoulders were certainly bonier than they were while we dated and my face was definitely thinner.

Ryan was correct, I was keeping my hair long to draw the attention away from my loss. He knew my habits better than anyone else.

Another reason for our break up.

I spent my day in my office, staring out, not really doing work but thinking about Ryan. Truthfully, he was a great guy. He did what he could over our three years together but it simply did not work.

I went home that night and skipped dinner, going straight to bed.

Tomorrow would be better.

[...]

The weeks rolled by and I didn’t hear anymore from Ryan. And now, as it was time to meet with investors about my men’s line, I was glad that I didn’t have his added stress to deal with. I walked into the building.

My thoughts of relief came too soon as Ryan was right there in the lobby.

“Are you stalking me? Don’t you have training to get to?” I asked.

“I am training but my manager scheduled a meeting for me,” he told me as we both stepped onto the elevator.

We both hit for floor 16. I rolled my eyes and noticed we both stepped off the elevator and headed in the same direction.

I flipped my hair back and attempted to walk into my meeting only to get stuck in the door frame with Ryan.

“Ryan, this isn’t funny anymore!” I yelled, pushing my way through the door.

“I’m not being funny, this is my meeting!” He said defensively.

“Noah, you’re here! And so is our last potential investor! Let’s get this meeting started!” My head investment broker greeted us both.

“You’re a potential investor?” I asked Ryan.

“And you’re the good investment?” He was just as shocked as I was.

It was like the world was playing a sick joke on me.

Ryan took a seat as I set up. This meeting was going to suck.

“Thank you all for your interest in my work. Today I want to introduce you to my men’s line,” I smiled as I started my presentation, going through the fall and spring collection that I had in mind.

“So you think that teen age and 20 somethings would want to wear this?” A man asked me.

“I think so, yes, they will feel trendy and dressed the part with the sweaters and the suits are for those occasions where you simply need more,” I explained, showing my casual and formal line for men.

“And what makes you think that as a female, you would be the best fit for a men’s line. Women designers don’t really cross the gap, leave it to the men, if you will,” one investor spoke up. My face reddened a little.

I knew I was going to be taking a risk and going a place that only few women would consider going.

“Well, I personally think this is great. And as the only twenty-something man in the room, I would definitely wear it,” Ryan spoke up. I looked at him. Why was he saying this?

The other men whispered amongst themselves.

“So you would wear things by Noah though a male would know what men want more?” One guy asked.

“Well yeah, because as it’s cool that guys know what other guys want to look like, I want to know what a girl is thinking I should be in. Noah knows what women want, she is a woman. Guys want to be what women want, I would absolutely invest without question,” Ryan stood and told all the men in the room.

The other men whispered once more. I looked at each of them, dying to know their thoughts.

“Well I think it’s safe to say that we’re all in, but, we have some conditions,” the head investor stood. My heart took a leap and I sighed in relief.

“Yes of course,” I said, waiting for him to explain his conditions.

“We want Ryan to be heavily involved. You know the female side while he knows the lines that most men wouldn’t cross, even for women. And we’d like Ryan to be the face of your men’s line,” they said. I looked over at Ryan who was grinning.

“Oh, I can just correspond with him here and there, he’s one of Ralph Lauren’s guys, I don’t want to take that,” I said, trying to avoid working with Ryan to that great extent.

“Noah, these are demands, we’re not going to back down, you and Ralph can certainly share Ryan,” The investors began to stand, Ryan looked at me and cocked his head.

Would I really be willing to give up everything I’ve worked on in this men’s line just because I would hate working with Ryan that much?

“Alright, let’s make a men’s line,” I sighed, smiling and shaking hands with the room full of men.

Ryan smiled and gave me a wink.

Here goes the next three to six months working closely with Ryan Lochte.