A Ballad of Love and Hate

Ryan punched his best friend in the face because of me.

Why did I kiss Conor? Probably because I was hurt by Ryan and he was there to cheer me up. Probably because of the alcohol.

Probably because I just wanted to feel wanted.

I laid in bed once again, not wanting to get up and face the day. Only this time, I would have to face Ryan, all my materials remained at his house. He was also an investor. He was also the face of my line.

I would have to face Ryan. My phone went off and showed me that it was Conor, I picked up to answer.

“I know it’s early but I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” he spoke into the phone. I sighed heavily.

“Conor, you got punched in the face, by Ryan, I should be asking if YOU’RE okay,” I said.

“I mean, I have to go to practice with a black eye, coach is definitely going to ask and yell but I’m okay, I know Ryan well and I just have to talk to him. But Noah, you’re going to have to talk to him more,” he said. I knew Conor was right.

“I’m going to come to swimming, try to catch him before he has to jump in the water, I know how he is when his mind is cluttered,” I said, sitting up. I realized it was only 5:30 in the morning, I knew this would be a long day.

I sat up and took a quick shower, I would have to be at the pool by 6:15 if I wanted to catch him before he jumped in. Throwing my hair into a braid, I put on one of Ryan’s old flannels that I still had with a pair of leggings.

Did I have to explain myself to Ryan? Not really but I felt inclined to explain to him the situation. It was his best friend, he at least deserved to know.

And I felt absolutely horrible for hurting him, I had done that enough before.

I got to my car and drove the familiar drive to the pool. I still knew Gainesville exceptionally well after four years going by. I got there right as Ryan did. He looked to me and groaned.

“Already here to watch him practice? It took you months to come watch me,” he said to me harshly.

I deserved that.

“I came here to talk to you,” I said, walking in step with him to the pool.

“Why? To get my permission? I’ll never give you permission to date my best friend, Noah,” he scolded. I was growing frustration.

“Ryan, I am sorry I kissed Conor. Note, I kissed him, he didn’t kiss me. I was upset and had a lot going on in my head and he was there to comfort me and I just kissed him, it didn’t mean anything to me, I can swear that to you and it certainly meant nothing to him,” I explained.

I was almost in a jog to keep up with Ryan’s pace. He quickly stopped and looked at me. I saw his hurt in his face.

“Why didn’t you tell me that your eating disorder was flaring back up again?” He asked me directly. I felt all the color leave my face and my heart beat fast.

“Ryan,” I began to explain but I noticed his eyes beginning to water.

“Shit, Noah, you don’t see how much I care about you and when I see you four years later, after all the mess we’ve been through, I see you’re this fragile looking girl, you keep hurting yourself after you promised that you were done,” he said.

I instinctively brought my hands to his face to wipe away the water from his eyes.

“Ryan, I’m okay,” I promised.

“You’re not, I know you’re not. Please, can you just stay? I want to take you somewhere after I’m out of practice, just, please stay,” he said to me softly, changing the mood of the conversation while also bringing it to an end.

After seeing the pain that I had caused to Ryan, whether he hurt me or not, I couldn’t take the pain I had inflicted on him. I nodded in promise that I would stay.

Ryan sighed and relief and gave my hand a squeeze.

“Just wait right here,” he smiled before disappearing in the locker room.

I waited outside of the locker room, wanting to cry. I had hurt Ryan to the point of tears. I have never seen him cry, let alone look so defeated. I took a deep breath to steady my breathing and saw Conor walk up to the locker room.

“Am I going to get punched again?” He half joked.

“No, you’re okay,” I smiled. He took a deep breath and went into the locker room.

Shortly after, he and Ryan came out together, laughing and smiling. Ryan saw me waiting and swiftly took my hand in his.

“Come on,” he smiled. It felt weird to be holding his hand again.

But as my hand still fit into his, my heart skipped a beat.

We walked out to the pool and Ryan led me to the coaches bench.

“Well this certainly is an old, familiar scene,” his coach smiled as I sat down. Ryan adjusted his two caps and goggles.

“Noah is going to watch today,” Ryan smiled proudly.

“That’s great, get your ass in the pool,” the coach demanded, not really caring that I was going to watch, he just wanted Ryan at work.

As I sat and watched, the past came back to me. I use to sit and watch Ryan swim often when I came down to visit him after we had dated for a while.

I also felt like I was allowing Ryan to perceive that I was going to get back together with him as I sat here watching, as I took my hand into his. I began feeling guilt.

Guilt of the pain I saw in him and guilt that I may be leading him on.

I wanted to get up and leave but I knew that would only hurt him more. I wanted to get up and control something, to throw up and feel that ease it would bring me but I also knew that would hurt him.

This is why I didn’t want to date Ryan. Not because of my hurt, I could eventually move past that, but because of his hurt. The hurt I kept causing him.

I hurt him when I told him he sucked at being a boyfriend all the years ago. I hurt him when I hid what I was doing to myself two years into our relationship and then now, even when I promised him I would get help in stop, I never did. I wasn’t good at loving Ryan at all.

I watched as he glided through the water, finding his line and swimming through. How focused he looked. He was doing okay without me, but was I really doing as well as I thought I was?

I didn’t have time to think more on that. Ryan hopped out of the pool and spoke with his coach for a few moments before coming over to sit next to me.

“Alright, I just want to change and then we’ll go,” he promised me nervously. I nodded as he walked back to the locker room.

Ryan didn’t take long to change. He came out with his backpack and led me to his car.

“We can get yours later,” he assured.

We drove onto the highway, Ryan didn’t speak, the radio wasn’t blaring as it usually would be and he wasn’t driving fast. Instead, he drove slow, both hands on the wheel as he tapped nervously. I was confused as to why he was so nervous. We drove for fifteen minutes this way before coming up to a park.

Ryan led me to a secluded area and sat me down. I was beyond nervous at this point.

“Noah, I know you’re hurting yourself, and I know you’ve been hurting yourself for years. I don’t know why you do it, I can’t even pretend to guess. But the point is, I have to do something about it now,” he looked at me.

I didn’t know why this was a big deal.

“Ryan, you’re not my boyfriend anymore, this isn’t your role and I’m fine,” I laughed nervously.

“It’s my role as someone who cares about you and loves you. Noah, I think you really need to consider getting help. Talking to a therapist and maybe even getting away from New York for a while,” he said gently. I stood up and got away from him.

“I can’t just abandon my life, Ryan. I know that because you’re twistedly involved in my life again, you think you have say but like it or not, you don’t,” I snapped at him, ignoring the fact that he mentioned the word, “love.”

“Noah, you’re going to end up killing yourself one day and I won’t be able to live with that,” he stood up with me.

The pain in his eyes flooded into mine.

I was hurting Ryan even more now.

“So, say I did talk to someone, I don’t want to leave New York,” I said, I couldn’t just leave my work and the place that I loved.

“But what if that could help you? What if that’s exactly what you need?” He asked.

“Your investors would understand, Noah, no one would hold it against you. And your women’s line is done, ready to go out,” Ryan continued.

I sighed and looked at Ryan. I knew he was right.

I also knew this would ease the pain I saw in him. And as I was the cause, I wanted to fix my woe.

“Okay, I’ll talk to someone but I’m not going anywhere like a rehab,” I said. He sighed in relief and pulled me in a hug.

“Thank you,” he breathed.

I didn’t know what any of this meant except that I would have to finally open up about everything.

Shit.