If You Can't Hang, Then There's the Door

KELLINS POINT OF VIEW STILL.

The night dragged on, and on, Jesse was constantly updated by Ashley's texts, But there was never any new information. They kept telling her she could not know anything about Scar. It made my blood boil and my thoughts race. What could I do if I were there? Would they even let me see her? I needed to be back in Michigan... just one more show, and I was booking an early flight home. No one had slept since we got the phone call, We were all wide awake on the bus just waiting for Ashley to make it to visiting hours. She was at the hospital all night and texted Jesse and I frequently She was hysterical, her and Scar must have gotten so close.

"Hey guys were shipping out to the next venue, either stay here or I can radio your drivers and let them know your with u. " Kevin our driver said as he casually walked onto the bus. Austin and Vic were with us as well, and he didn't want to take off without them being accounted for.

"Ill stay" Vic said sadly while trying to give me a reassuring smile.

"Me too, I wouldnt be able to sleep not knowing whats going on" Austin agreed and bro hugged me.

"Alright Ill inform the other buses" Kevin walked to the front and we felt the engine turn on and the bus start to move. I felt empty, I felt a pain in my chest I had never experienced before. It was hard to breath and I felt like I was sinking, drowning as my own heart choked the air out of my throat. Is this how Scarlett feels? When shes anxious? When shes hurting? My heart was breaking over and over again with every thought that ran through my head. Not knowing what was going on was killing me inside.

"Kellin, Its gonna be ok, there's just a few more hours to go until they let Ashley see her" Jesse patted my back and tried to sound as reassuring as possible, but his hurt expression and the sadness in his eyes made it hard to believe him. Scarlett was a part of our family, and It was killing all of us just sitting here, waiting. I stared at the clock on top of my iPhones lockscreen, the minutes moved painfully slow, and the picture of Scar I took the night before I left of her sleeping on my chest, she was beautiful and not knowing what was happening to my beautiful everything, made me want to cry.

"Staring at that clock will be the death of you Kellin" Vic placed his hand over my screen causing me to look up at him.

"I dont know what to do vic! Shes... Everything" I whispered and he nodded his head.

"I understand, shes a wonderful girl, but we have to have faith, we have to wait. Even if you were at that hospital there's absolutely nothing you could do, but sit in that waiting room, just like on this bus,and wait." I knew he was right, but my body, my legs were screaming at me 'MOVE! RUN TO HER! WHY ARE YOU STILL HEAR YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD' I placed my head in m hands, I tangled my fingers into my hair, I felt like I would rip my own hair out.

"Kellin, you gotta stop" Gabe said calmly, his eyes were blood shot and his voice cracked.

"This Is bullshit Gabe! I cant even go see her because it would endanger all that we worked for!" I stood up angrily and hit the wall of the tour bust with my hand.

"This is bullshit, We cant just sit here and do nothing!" Justin finally spoke for the first time in the past hour, he was laying on the couch, his arms crossed over his chest and he was grinding his teeth harshly. Justin never showed signs of sadness, everything turned to anger with him, and Scar was like is little sister.

"STOP!" Jack yelled, everyone snapping their heads to look at him.

"Stop guys, there's nothing we can do, but convince the label we need to leave after the show tomorrow, Its the last one, and If they wont let us cancel our radio interviews that follow the last four days of tour, then we could at least convince them to let Kellin go and we stay for the interviews" Jack made sense, He always did. I needed to get to her.

"We will All call them first thing in the morning, the more of us that call and beg, the more likely it will happen" Vic stated, hes been with the label longer then us and he knew them better.

"Thank you guys, Has Ashley said anything? She stopped texting me" I said and turned to Jesse who was staring at his phone.

"She last texted me saying just one more hour until they'd let her see her, that was about a half hour ago" I stared at the phone, it was approaching four in the morning, My heart leaped in excitement, she would have answers soon.

"Good, were getting closer to some sort of answer" I grinded my teeth and shook my leg up and down nervously, I was counting down by seconds in my head.

"Kellin, has anything like this ever happened to her before?" Jesse asked me setting his phone down. None of the guys knew about her past like I did, and the certainly didn't know about her heart. I didn't want to worry them, and neither did she, she preferred we kept it to ourselves.

"Once before" was all I said and all the guys looked at me with wide eyes, wanting me to continue.

"Well, what happened last time?" Gabe pushed for an answer.

"It wasn't really my story to tell guys, Scar didn't want me to worry you about her problems, but I guess I cant keep it from you now." I took a deep breath and brought the memory from my mind of the day Scarletts mother had died. I told my side of the story, it wasn't much, but it was a memory that would always cause my eyes to sting and my heart to sink.

"Scarlett, and I Had a lot of classes together in Highschool, one day she was coming to our health class, I always waited outside the door for her, but that day was different. I wasn't allowed to leave the classroom. The principle, The guidance counselor, and a police officer were outside the door forcing everyone in. I didn't know what to think of it so I stayed near the window talking to our teacher until she made it to class. I would glance out the every so often as the time on the clock got closer to the Bell, but when i glanced out the window for the last time I saw the officer talking to Scar. Her eyes were wide, and I could see the confusion on her face. I drowned out the voice for my teacher as she told me to take my seat. I just stared out watching the scene outside the classroom unfold, Scarletts mouth had opened wide seconds after the officer stopped talking to her, and she looke me dead in the eyes before to crumbled to the ground. I frantically tried to get the classroom door open, The second I stepped into the hall I screamed for her, and reached my hands to hers, but the Police officer held me back as I kicked and screamed. Scar... looked lifeless, my best friend was on the floor, and I couldn't see her chest rise or fall to tell me she was breathing. She wasn't. Our teacher flew out of the classroom and immedietly started CPR As I was held back fighting to get to her, I was helpless and I couldn't help her. I watched as she was torn from me by paramedics, she was still, lifeless, and i could see her light skin tone become ghostly as they wheeled her on the stretcher. I was forced into class, the second the officer left, my teacher told me to go, so that's what i did, I RAN to her, I ran out of the school and the three miles to the hospital. I got into her room by saying I was her brother." I paused and looked around the room, the boys were listening intently, their mouths were open and I could feel tears brim my eyes.

"What happened Kellin?" Justin asked intently.

"Scars mother had been killed that morning, Scar had a heart condition I never knew about until that day. She has a series of heart murmurs, and she had pretty sever anxiety problems. Those problems combined, and hearing the news about her mom, her heart and her anxiety couldn't handle it. Her heart worked her body to hard and caused her to shut down. They revived her and put her on medication. Before we came on tour I took her to the doctors just in case, I've always made sure she got her heart looked at every now and then. When I left the doctor started her on something new and assured me everything would be fine..." I trailed off looking at my shoes.

"Kellin... we had no idea" Jesse stammered as his phone rang. I jerked my head up from looking at the ground.

"Ashley! Please whats going on?!" He had put the phone on speaker and we all crowded around to listen to ashley.

"They finally let me in her room, I'm in here now.... Sh-shes still unconscious. They say she wont wake up for another day or two. They wont tell me anything else. Shes hooked up to all these machines, and she looks pale Jesse. " Ashley was choking on her words, I could hear the heart monitor and the beeps coming from it in the background, They sounded normal, like last time. Oddly enough, the things Ashley described.. yes they were scary, but I only needed to hear the beats of her heart... That was the comfort I needed, I needed to know she was breathing at that her heart was still functioning so I could make it though this last day.

"Ashley! Look at the heart monitor, are the lines and the rythym consistant" I said shakily into the phone, I heard her shuffle around.

"Y-Yes, Listen" I heard beep after beep, No murmur or flatline. She was OK, for now.

"thank you Ashley" I whispered and took in the information.

"Im not leaving her side, I promise! they will have to drag me out of this room!" Ashley stated sternly Jesse smiled slightly at her passion.

"Thanks babe, keep us posted" Jesse hung up and I let out a sigh.

"At least her heart sounds like its still working." I got up from the couch and pulled out my laptop, I booked a redeye for tomorrow night, It left only an hour after our set. I wasn't going to wait along any longer. I wasn't going to wait for the label, the restriction was I couldn't cancel SHOWS, not interviews.

"What time do you leave?" I looked up and vic was standing in the door way to the bunks.

"Right after the show, I'm not packing, I'm not saying goodbye,Im not signing anything for any fans, I'm walking straight off that stage tomorrow night and directly into a cab to the airport." He smiled at me and sat next to me.

"Your doing the right thing man, I promise. We'll all get the record company off your back don't worry." He patted my back as ran my hand through my hair again.

"Thanks Vic, I just don't know what to do with myself, I haven't heard her voice all day, and I didn't talk to her at all before this happened... I feel like a lousy boyfriend, and I'm worried Ill never hear her beautiful voice ever again." I felt tears in my eyes.

"You've done nothing wrong Kellin, your reacting how any normal human being would, some things are just out of our control. you'll see her tomorrow I promise. Maybe you should sleep some before tomorrow. The less you think about it the faster the show will go by." He got up and made his was to the living room area of our bus. I laid in my bunk string at the ceiling. Thinking of Scar. She was my life, she had all of my heart.

And right now that heart, my heart was fighting to hold on in a hospital bed, hundreds of miles away from me.

I don't remember falling asleep, I don't remember what woke me up the next day, and I don't remember walking into this venue, about to walk on stage. My body was on autopilot. I couldn't recall having a single conversation or sound fill my ears at all. Until My manager ran up to me as I stared at the crowd from behind this stage I don't remember walking onto.

"Kellin, You can go tonight, We convinced the label, Now try to get through this show, you look awful" My heart leaped into my throat, I could leave? Suddenly the sounds of screaming fans flooded my ear drums, causing me to wince. It was like my senses were ten times as powerful from being tuned out for so long. I felt a hand on my back, It was Jesse, He smiled and ran onto the stage, guitar in hand. I didn't even know the lineup of songs, I watched as they all walked by me one by one onto the stage. I felt my feet guiding me towards the mic stand, I was a zombie I had no control as I grabbed the cold metal Stand, and slowly slid the mic off of the holder, I placed the cool weaving frets to my lips. I took a deep breath, and screamed. There were no words, I just screamed, The crowd loved it. It wasn't for them, it was for my heart, It was how my heart felt and I couldn't contain it any longer, the fire was building inside me, the worry, the anger, it overcame me. Jesse played the opening to The bomb dot com, and I sang the words with anger coursing through me, my voice was deeper than normally, my screams sounded better then ever before. The crowd loved it. But they didn't understand, This was for Scar, I had to make it through this for her.

"Goodnight Everyone, I apologize, I will not be signing at the end of the show tonight. Please enjoy the company of my amazing band mates. Ill make it up to you all, I promise" I dropped the mic and the thud vibrated loudly over the speaker system. I heard the thud echo as I ran as fast as my feet would carry me out the back door of the venue. The cab was already waiting for me. We drove in silence, the airport was a short drive. He pulled us to the entrance and tossed a handful of money at him, I have no clue how much, but that didn't matter to me. I ran through the automatic sliding doors and raced to my terminal. Security looked at me sternly, My shirt was soaked and clinging to my body awkwardly, the sweat from my underneath my snapback slid down my hair and onto my face. I got through it quickly I had nothing on me but my clothes from the show and my wallet.

I ran to the gate, the flight had been boarding for ten minutes now, I was just in time, I handed the ticket to the stewardess trying to catch my breath, I slowed down as I found my seat. I must have smelled awful, looked awful, and honestly I would have stared at me to if I saw someone looking as ridiculous as I did on an entire flight. I looked absolutely insane. I could feel that uneasy pain in my heart again, the pain Scar must feel all the time, I finally understood why she was so scared all the time. Feeling like your heart meant nothing... like you had no control over anything, was the emptiest feeling in the world. No matter how many people tried to help you. I never want to feel this way again, I never want HER to feel this pain ever again. Everyone on the flight continued to stare and point at me as I stared blankly ahead, none of there pointing, or stares mattered to me though...

I had to make it back to Michigan... So I could Mend my broken heart I left there.

At any cost.