If You Can't Hang, Then There's the Door

SCARS POINT OF VIEW.

That beeping noise... I swear I hear it more than any other noise in my entire life. I hate that noise. Its haunting, hollow, annoying, and frightening. I fluttered my eyes opened, and got blinded by the familiar bright white light that i've seen way more than I ever wanted to this past year and a half. I took in a deep breath, my throat stung, my mouth was dry and I felt warmth coming from the palm of my hand. I tried to squeeze my hand, but felt someone else's stopping me. I turned my face and squinted my eyes as they adjusted from the light I looked directly into.

"Scar?! baby?" I heard kellins familiar angelic voice enter my ears.

"Kellin?" I whispered weakly, I felt so tired, and i felt pain in my abdomen and chest.

"Scar, baby, everything's okay, I promise. You've been asleep for sixteen hours. do you remember talking to me the night before?" Kellin asked frantically. he worries so much.

"I do baby, can I get some water?" I asked painfully my throat burning.

"Of course here baby." Kellin helped my sit up and brought a straw to my lips. I took a sip wetting my lips and felt immedietly better.

I opened my mouth to ask Kellin where gracie was. I stopped when I looked up hearing the door open and ashley walked in with a beautiful baby in her arms.

"Someones been Dying to meet her mommy." Ashley said smiling and bringing the small child over to me and placing her gently in my arms.

I studied my daughters face, she took my breath away. Ive never felt a love like this before. The love me and kellin have, its different, yet almost the same to this feeling. This feeling had an extra weight, I felt, proud, elated, and like Id give anything to have this new life look at me with all the love in the world in her eyes. Her eyes fluttered open, revealing a beautiful sky blue color. Her eyes were almost too big for her face, but they looked proportionate because of her small forehead, thick black hair, chubby rosy cheeks, her small button nose much like mine, and her small pink lips that curled into the most adorable little smile that reminded me of kellins. She was so perfect. I kissed her forehead gently, she looked up to me immedietly at the contact and opened her mouth in a slight smile. Her small arms reached upwards to my face and her hands opened and closed weakly. I placed one of my fingers into her palm, she gripped lightly making my heart flutter.

"She already loves you so much scar." Kellin said smiling taking a picture of the two of us.

"She's... wow, Kellin?" I asked tearing my eyes from my daughter that I couldnt stop staring at.

"Yea baby?" He asked kissing my lips tenderly.

"Am I okay?" I whispered.

Kellin frowned and Ashley's face dropped, she squeezed kellins hand and my own before excusing herself from the room.

"Scar.." Kelling whispered taking my hand in his and stroking Gracies hair with his other gently.

"I love you, More than anything on this earth, you and our beautiful daughter who is an absolute blessing to our lives. Scar, I dontk now how to tell you this..." Kellin trailed off biting his lip. I could see tears filling his eyes. What was going on?! I felt my heart race, I looked down at gracie who was closing her eyes about to fall asleep, the sight of her made me feel less scared.

"Baby.. your heart, It took a big strain, Your heart stopped for a full minute, before CPR brought you back to us. Your recovering fine from the birth, but you have to take it very easy, and slow for the next couple months or so, and..." A tear dropped from kellins eyes. I wasnt prepared for what he told me next. I really wasn't.

"Well, depending on how well your heart recovers you may need surgery... you...you may never be able to have children again." Kellin whispered, My heart dropped realizing the surgery I feared since high school may be just around the corner, but never being able to have another child. That hurt more that any anxiety attack.

"W-what?" I breathed hugging Gracie closer to me as she slept peacefully.

"Scar, Its okay, they arent sure. I..I just had to tell you what they told me. I love you no matter what and you know that." Kellin said wiping my eyes and kissing my cheeks tenderly.

"Its... Its just a lot to process, Im so sorry Kellin." I let another tear slide down my cheek. I felt kellins warm hands on my cheeks frorcing me gently to look at him. His eyes wavered and I could see more tears.

"dont ever apologize scar, you are the strongest woman Ive ever known, you performed a miracle giving life to our daughter, you risked your life to start a family with me. I couldn't ask for more, or be more grateful to have someone like you in my life, Dont ever apologize for that." I smiled weakly as our lips met. He kissed my deeply, I could feel so much emotion in out kiss, It almost made my heart stop all over again.

"I love you Kellin, thank you for always being by my side." I cried out making him smile and laugh dryly.

"You know Id never leave your side, I never have, and I never will." I smiled back at him.

"You ready to see the parade of people here to meet Gracie and check up on you?" Kellin said breaking the comfortable silence that fell between us as we admired our beautiful little girl.

"Im ready." I said smiling as kellin left the room.

I looked up as the door opened and in swarmed my family. Jesse ran to my side immediately and kissed me on my temple. Justin walked up sheepishly and gave me a one sided hug being careful of Gracie sleeping in my arms. Jack made a goofy face and gave me a thumbs up before doing the same as Justin had. Gabe looked like he had been crying he kissed my cheeks and then gracies forehead. Sophie and Lindsey smiled widely and made "awww" sounds as they looked at gracie in my arms.

"You and kellin make the most adorable babies Scar." Justin said surprising everyone and making us all laugh.

"What?" justin said his cheeks turning red.

"Oh nothing" I said smiling up at him.

"you did good mama." Jesse said as Gracie opened her eyes and looked at him reaching her arms out to him.

"Want to hold her?" I asked him making his eyes light up.

"Really?" he said happily as gracie smiled a toothless grin at him. Ashley snapped a pictures of them.

"Dont get any ideas babe, Im so not ready for this." Jesse said laughing.

"Well its still cute!" She squealed sending it to Instagram.

"How are you feeling scar?" Jack asked quietly as gabe held gracie next.

"Im really tired, honestly. I just want to sleep forever." I laughed as did jack.

"Scar Were all so proud of you, really. you did such a good job." Gabe complimented handing gracie to sophie.

"Thanks gabe. It means alot." I gave him a huge toothy smile, Gracie started to cry in Sophies hands.

"Awww dont cry cutie, Your too adorable to cry." Lindsey cooed letting Gracie grip her hand as Sophie passed her back to me.

"Way to go Soph." justin joked making her frown.

"Oh hush midget. That baby will love me one day!" She whined hittign him in the arm.

"God I love you guys," I laughed as I quieted her down by rocking her back and forth gently.

We all stayed in my hospital room until the doctor came in and told me I could leave tomorrow, Kellin took gracie and put her to sleep after everyone had left. He held my hand all night and slept next to me and the baby until the next morning. Ashley Brought me and kellin the baby seat and some clothes for gracie that we left behind in our rush to the hospital. I was utterly exhausted, and had to be wheeled to the car. I had to stay off my feet as much as possible and avoid heavy lifting and over exerting myself for the first couple weeks being back home.

"Kellin Im so sorry." I cried as we laid in bed a week after coming home. Gracie's cries on the baby monitor woke us up.

"Scar, Im more than happy to take care of my own daughter while shes recovering. I promise Its okay." He reassured me kissing me as he climbed out of bed and shut the monitor off.

"I just, I want to help, I feel like a burden not being able to take turns with you, you've barely slept at all, you look exhausted and i've done nothing but sleep these few days.. and I want to be able to comfort Gracie, besides feeding her." I said sadly as kellin listened intently.

"baby, your a wonderful mother, I promise you that, Ill bring her in her with us okay? I love you, and you need your rest, so dont even think im upset with you. I like this whole 'dad' thing" He said laughing and kissing my forehead before leaving the room.

I sat up bringing my legs to my chest. I head him singing softly from the door way as he opened it. I smiled at how adorable kellin was with Gracie, he held her with such care and protective arms. He looked her in the eyes smiling while singing to her as she cried and flailed her arms at him. He would just giggle as she quieted down and stared at him. He sat on the edge of the bed next to me and handed Gracie to me carefully. I poked her nose making her smile and look at me. She gripped a piece of my hair and tugged it lightly. It didnt hurt, and even if it did she was to cute to refuse.

"I love you girls so much." Kellin whispered as he wrapped his arms around me as he sat behind me, he rested his head on my shoulders and kissed my neck.

"We love you to daddy, isnt that right Gracie?" I cooed, she smiled and reached for kellins hand with wide eyes. He held her hand in his. It was adorable, his hand was so large in comparison to hers.

"Scar, I promise, everythings going to be okay." Kellin whispered as Gracie fell asleep in my arms. leaving us in a silence as we watched her. Its amazing how looking at your child never gets boring, or weird. They are the embodiment of you and the person you love most, the feeling was just so surreal, and I loved every second of being with my family. Especially during moments like this.

"I know Kellin, Because When im with you everythings Okay." I smiled at him and kissed him quickly.

"Come on mama, lets put her in her crib, I want to cuddle you until your sick of it." Kellin whispered making me laugh quietly.

"That will never happen. I could never get sick of your cuddles." I laughed as he took Gracie from my arms, careful not to wake her. he was so gentle with her. It was beautiful to experience him like this. His fatherly instincts taking over him more and more each day.

"Good because I never want to let you go, you belong forever in my arms." kellin whispered leaving the room.

I smiled as I felt the familiar heat go to my cheeks. Its amazing how Kellin still had such an effect on me. He was my everything. him and Gracie were now my whole world, and I couldn't be happier. Even with all the scary things to come I couldn't help but think... Could things get more perfect?