I Want You to Want Me

I’m Lukas, I’m 17, and I’m also an out of the closet gay guy. I also happen to like the nerdiest guy in my school, his name is Asher. Asher doesn’t look like a nerd though, he’s so attractive, he has these big brown eyes, perfect lips, slightly curved up nose, and soft looking black hair. On his perfect face he has a simple nose piercing with a hoop through it. Asher also has a slender feminine body with hips that sway when he walks. Me on the other hand, I have broader shoulders yet my build is still pretty scrawny. I have blue eyes, blond hair, and piercings through my lips, and a piercing through my nose. I have two side by side lip piercings, and a septum piercing. I’m an art kid. I get the shit beat out of me constantly but never at school. My brother is the football coach for my school so people tend to stay far away from me, and I’m rarely made of for being gay because of him. However, home is a different story for me. My brother, Tim, doesn’t live at home. Tim moved out when he was 19, so 6 years ago. After Tim moved out, and I came out as gay, I’ve gotten the shit beat out of me by my father everyday. My dad wants me to be like Tim, straight and athletic, not gay and artsy. Tim doesn’t know about the bruises, my dad keeps them in places where they can be covered in clothes, even in the summer I wear jeans and hoodies. Then there is the occasion where my dad bruises my face but like I said I’m artsy so I can cover them easily. One day when I was in the art room using left over makeup from the play Asher walked in and asked me what had happened to me, and I told him a bully had gotten to me. I couldn’t mention that the bully was my father. Since that incident Asher had checked on me everyday to make sure I was okay. After a week when the bruises had completely disappeared Asher disappeared too. Okay, maybe that’s a lie, Asher didn’t disappear he just stopped talking to me. Asher stopped talking to me for a month after the bruise was gone until I came into school with a limp. Asher again approached me and asked what was wrong and I again said bullies. I really couldn’t tell Asher that my dad couldn’t make rent for the month and sold me out. Asher went back to checking on me everyday until my limp was gone 3 weeks later, after I was sold out a few more times by my dad. Asher continued his streak of not talking to me once I was better, well physically better, emotionally I was completely destroyed. Between the mental strain of the physical abuse, and me slowly falling for Asher as I got to know him in the weeks that passed I was going crazy. It completely hurt me to know that Asher didn’t care enough to hang around with me when I wasn’t hurt, he only cared when I was. A few weeks of Asher not talking to me passed when suddenly he approached me and I didn’t even show any signs of being hurt, even though I was. Asher had asked me to hangout with him and without even thinking through the consequences I said yes. After school that day I met Asher in the parking lot and together we walked to his house. Asher’s house was absolutely giant and he seemed to come from an overly wealthy family and suddenly I didn’t feel like I belonged here. I was quick to make up an excuse to go home but Asher saw through that and told me that there was no reason for me to be so nervous. I told Asher that I didn’t belong here because I’m just some kid with ratty paint splattered clothing but he just laughed and said that I needed to stop worrying. Being at Asher’s house went a lot better than I thought it would, his parents were super nice to me and everything. Even though things didn’t go bad I still felt so out of place. Seeing Asher’s room filled with a full bed, a huge tv, a desk, loads of video games, and a laptop, made me going home to my small cubicle with a small window and twin air mattress on the floor of my basement that much harder. When I got home my dad furious and I got the beating of a lifetime along with being sold out for the night. When I got to school the next day Asher immediately realized that I hadn’t looked like that yesterday and asked what had happened, I lied and told him I was jumped on my way home from his house and then I inched away from him. I didn’t want to be near Asher anymore, things have changed so drastically since I’ve met him. I have gotten so distracted with thinking about him and being with him yesterday that I got so beat that I think I need hospital treatment, but of course that can’t happen because my dad would be sure to end me if it did. I voiced to Asher that I shouldn’t talk to him anymore and he pulled me into an empty room to ask why and I simply told him that I can’t. I can’t be near Asher anymore without wanting to scream out that I’m not okay, or without screaming out that I want to be with him. I knew the longer I spent around Asher the more likely I’d be to tell him the truth about wanting to be with him and the truth about what my dad does to me. Asher and I needed to cut off all ties with each other. My decision to cut Asher out of my life however didn’t go so well, because even though I told him not to talk to me anymore he did the exact opposite. Asher started talking to me everyday. Even though Asher talked to me everyday I rarely talked back to him. After about a month of rarely talking to Asher, other that lying about the injuries that happened to my body, I finally snapped. We were alone in the art room, and I was covering my facial bruises when I started yelling at Asher “Can you please just leave me alone? It’s really hard to forget about my feelings for you when you won’t leave me the hell alone.” Immediately after my little rampage my hand covered my mouth, but he pulled my hand away from my mouth and kissed me. Shock coursed through my body as Asher moved his lips with mine but I found myself kissing back. When the kiss broke Asher told me that he didn’t leave me alone because he liked me too much to let me go. After letting that sink into my head Asher asked me to be his boyfriend, and as much as I was to scream yes I said no. I couldn’t be in a relationship with Asher because there was a big complication, my dad. Asher’s face dropped as the word no slipped through my lips and naturally he asked why and again I found words spilling out of my mouth “I can’t date you because I’d never be able to see you. I have to be home immediately after school and I can’t leave otherwise my dad, he... he’ll hit me.” Asher’s mouth flew open again, and then the realization hit him that the bully who had hurt me in the past was my dad. “I’ll save you, I promise. Next time he hurts you we can report him and then you can stay with me. I like you way too much, and I will not let him hurt you.” My stomach fluttered at Asher’s words and I found myself nodding “yes, yes, I’ll be your boyfriend,” Asher’s smile grew so wide before I interrupted it “but you may not want me after I tell you this... My dad sells me out to men.” My heart dropped to my toes as Asher turned away from me but once he turned back around and hugged me and I felt his tears roll down my neck and heard him in my ear saying that nothing could change how he feels about me made me realized that he’s absolutely perfect. I’m so glad Asher wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him.