But You Still Have All of Me
twelve.
February 23
“Gerard, what’s going on?” I wasn’t sure how to talk to him about things and so my blunt side came shining through.
“What do you mean Aid?” he cocked his head to the side like a confused puppy, while bouncing Lily around in his arms.
“With us I mean. What’s happening between us? I’m pretty sure I have an idea, but I need you to fill in some blanks for me.” I bit my lip, my nerves taking over.
He looked about as nervous as I felt, but took a deep breath before answering me with complete composure. “I can only tell you what’s happening on my end of this. You may be my best friend, but I still haven’t learned how to read your mind.” He laughed lightly. “Do you remember your 13th birthday?”
His question threw me off. “Yes, but what does that have to do with this?” I cocked an eyebrow.
“That was when Frankie finally got up the nerve to kiss you.”
This surprised me, as I didn’t remember Frank or myself telling anyone about the moment we’d had. I nodded the confirmation even though he didn’t seem to need it.
“I was on my way back, there was something I wanted to tell you. When I got there I saw him kissing you and I knew there was no point in telling you.” He laid Lily down in her bassinet and sat forward on the couch.
“I didn’t think anyone knew about that day.” The words fell absently from my lips.
“Come sit down.” He smiled up at me.
I followed his instruction, situating myself to face him.
“Aid, how long have we been friends?”
My hands fidgeted in my lap, my nerves taking full control of me. “Since we were little.” I managed to answer.
“I still remember the we met. You were the girl with the pig tails and bright eyes. The girl who noticed the other kids wouldn’t play with me. You came over, smiled really big at me and reached out to tap me. ‘Tag, you’re it!’ That’s all you said at first. You just giggled and ran away, knowing I’d chase after you like we’d been friends forever. You were special Aid, I knew that right away.”
I remained silent, and tears welled as the realization hit me that whatever this was, had started long before I even knew it. Eventually I managed to find a few words. They were “We were 5” and they sounded confused and distant.
“And I’ve loved you every day since.” He sighed, looking down. “Before you say anything- if you say anything. Just know that I wasn’t trying to change things with us just because you were alone. Fuck, with Frank being gone I didn’t ever want you to know how I felt. Somewhere along the way I made it okay for myself, to have these feelings and not share them with you. But when you almost..” He couldn’t finish the sentence. He choked on the word. “When I almost lost you too..” He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and continued. “I decided it was more important for me to be honest with you. If anything ever happened to you, and you didn’t know how much you mean, how special you are… I just wanted to remind you of what Frank would never want you to forget.”
I was full on bawling by the time he stopped talking. He reached out, taking my shaking hands into his own.
“I know this is a lot. Too much even. Nothing has to change Aid, I can-” His voice was cut off suddenly as I took my hands back, reached for his face and closed the space between us, kissing him.
“Gerard, what’s going on?” I wasn’t sure how to talk to him about things and so my blunt side came shining through.
“What do you mean Aid?” he cocked his head to the side like a confused puppy, while bouncing Lily around in his arms.
“With us I mean. What’s happening between us? I’m pretty sure I have an idea, but I need you to fill in some blanks for me.” I bit my lip, my nerves taking over.
He looked about as nervous as I felt, but took a deep breath before answering me with complete composure. “I can only tell you what’s happening on my end of this. You may be my best friend, but I still haven’t learned how to read your mind.” He laughed lightly. “Do you remember your 13th birthday?”
His question threw me off. “Yes, but what does that have to do with this?” I cocked an eyebrow.
“That was when Frankie finally got up the nerve to kiss you.”
This surprised me, as I didn’t remember Frank or myself telling anyone about the moment we’d had. I nodded the confirmation even though he didn’t seem to need it.
“I was on my way back, there was something I wanted to tell you. When I got there I saw him kissing you and I knew there was no point in telling you.” He laid Lily down in her bassinet and sat forward on the couch.
“I didn’t think anyone knew about that day.” The words fell absently from my lips.
“Come sit down.” He smiled up at me.
I followed his instruction, situating myself to face him.
“Aid, how long have we been friends?”
My hands fidgeted in my lap, my nerves taking full control of me. “Since we were little.” I managed to answer.
“I still remember the we met. You were the girl with the pig tails and bright eyes. The girl who noticed the other kids wouldn’t play with me. You came over, smiled really big at me and reached out to tap me. ‘Tag, you’re it!’ That’s all you said at first. You just giggled and ran away, knowing I’d chase after you like we’d been friends forever. You were special Aid, I knew that right away.”
I remained silent, and tears welled as the realization hit me that whatever this was, had started long before I even knew it. Eventually I managed to find a few words. They were “We were 5” and they sounded confused and distant.
“And I’ve loved you every day since.” He sighed, looking down. “Before you say anything- if you say anything. Just know that I wasn’t trying to change things with us just because you were alone. Fuck, with Frank being gone I didn’t ever want you to know how I felt. Somewhere along the way I made it okay for myself, to have these feelings and not share them with you. But when you almost..” He couldn’t finish the sentence. He choked on the word. “When I almost lost you too..” He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and continued. “I decided it was more important for me to be honest with you. If anything ever happened to you, and you didn’t know how much you mean, how special you are… I just wanted to remind you of what Frank would never want you to forget.”
I was full on bawling by the time he stopped talking. He reached out, taking my shaking hands into his own.
“I know this is a lot. Too much even. Nothing has to change Aid, I can-” His voice was cut off suddenly as I took my hands back, reached for his face and closed the space between us, kissing him.
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Sorry if it sucks, I just really wanted to update seeing as it's been a while. thanks for reading <3