But You Still Have All of Me
two.
2006
June 25
I spent the entire day with Frank and the guys. We had walked around town for a bit, ending up at Ray’s. For me, nothing could have been more perfect at the time. I was with all my friends, escaping the heat of the summer and having a good time. For most of the day I sat in Frank’s lap, his arms wrapped around me, his head rested on my shoulder. When it came time to go home, he walked me. It was actually closer to 4 in the morning, and despite the fact that I had to get up early to help my sister, I didn’t care one bit that it was so late. When we reached the front door, he quickly turned me to face him, looking into my eyes and out of nowhere telling me I was perfect, that he loved me. There was never any point in my life when I didn’t believe this from him. The part about him loving me that is. We kissed for a long while, and then with a sad sigh and a wave I walked inside, Frank leaving to go back to Ray’s. I turned once more to say goodbye, and thankfully he heard me, turning with a grin.
I went to bed immediately, not even bothering to change out of my clothes. I drifted off to sleep thinking of Frankie’s Cheshire cat grin and how the sight of it warmed me within.
June 26 (continued)
I reached the parking lot of the hospital and quickly parked. I didn’t want to waste time, I just wanted to get to Frank. I ran through the hospital, asking a nurse behind a desk where I could find him. She spoke to me like she was giving me her condolences, which pissed me off. Once I got up to his floor, I could see the boys in the waiting area just outside his room. As I saw Gerard, my heart sunk further and I ran into his arms, completely losing my composure. Around me I could hear Mikey and Matt talking about how the man who caused the whole accident was getting off with a charge of driving under the influence, but nothing more.
“I need to see him Gee.” I managed between sobs. “Please, I have to see him.”
Gerard did his best to calm me down before taking my hand and leading me to the door. We stopped just short of entering and he turned to me. “He’s been in and out of consciousness, he’s still breathing on his own, but he’s not doing well Aid…”
I nodded, swallowing hard and trying to make the tears stop. I needed to be strong for Frank. I couldn’t be a mess. I needed to pull it together.
He led me through the door, and immediately to my left I could see Ray in a hospital bed, asleep and bandaged up. The right side of the room had been curtained off and I knew that Frank was on the other side.
I took a few more steps into the room and tensed as Gerard pulled the curtains back from around Frank’s bed. When the curtains were fully drawn, I could see a fragile, ghost white image that was terrifying. I could see that he had been hooked up to a bunch of machines, and his breathing was very shallow. He appeared to be sleeping until I let out muffled sob. I looked back up to him to see him looking weakly back at me. His arm and his head were heavily bandaged, both seemed to be bleeding through. Even being as pale as he was, she still managed to look so beautiful. I knew in this moment, that things weren’t going to be okay, but I pushed the thought aside as fast as it came. I walked to his bedside and sat down gently beside him, taking his hand.
“I love you Frankie, hang in there okay?” I choked out.
“I love you Aiden, don’t ever forget that.” he spoke in a whisper.
I could hear the door click, signaling that Gerard had left us alone. “Frankie, don't talk like that baby, please... you can't leave me. It's not supposed to be like this.” I said to him through stinging tears. “Please Frankie, stay with me... stay with me.”
“Lay with me Aid?” he asked, trying to smile for me.
I laid down beside him, still holding his hand tight in mine. “It’s not fair, the asshole that caused this, he gets off with a DUI and you and Ray have to suffer? You shouldn’t have to suffer because of him…”
So much for staying strong for Frank. He was always the strong one, not me. His voice snapped me out of my thoughts again. “Aiden, it’s alright. I’m not scared.. You know I’ll always be here, even if… even if this turns out badly. I was always yours Aid, I always will be.”
All it had taken was for Ray and Frank to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and here they were, Ray with serious injuries and Frank on his deathbed. It made no sense. I looked up to Frank’s face, tears still in my eyes to see him staring down at me. I leaned up just enough so that I could press my lips to his.
“I love you Aiden, promise me you won’t forget that.” He managed to say between kisses. When we stopped, we both remained quiet. In no time we both fell asleep. When I drifted off, I could faintly feel the beat of Frank’s heart as it slowly started to give up.
When I awoke almost an hour later, I couldn’t feel the beat of his heart anymore. It had stopped completely, and his warmth was starting to fade. A few tears made their way down my cheeks, and for one last time, I pressed my lips against his pale pink ones. Droplets of water stained his pillow and cheek from where my tears had fallen. I pushed aside an out of place hair, and looked at his perfect beauty. I got out of bed and sat down in the chair beside it. I grasped his hand again and began to cry more. It must have been loud, because moments later, Gerard and Mikey made their way into the room. I turned to them, and spoke as calmly as I could. “He’s gone.. Frankie… He’s gone.”
Mikey stopped all movement. Staring bewildered at Frank’s body, his hand still clasped tightly in my own. Gerard had come over to me, trying to coax me into a comforting hug. When Matt entered the room, he stayed at Mikey’s side, seeing the scene before him.
It wasn’t long before a doctor came back in to check on Frank, finding his fragile lifeless body instead. We all had to leave the room so the doctors could do evaluations and reports. We had to stay until they were finished, because we were all Frank had left in this world, his family had passed away a few years prior.
Gerard kept a close eye on me that night, held me close while I cried and violently sobbed. I stayed at his place that night, falling asleep on the couch between him and Mikey. When I woke up in the morning, I was exhausted. I felt numb. I knew in the next few days I’d have to help the guys plan Frank’s funeral, and I wasn’t sure that I could handle it.
June 25
I spent the entire day with Frank and the guys. We had walked around town for a bit, ending up at Ray’s. For me, nothing could have been more perfect at the time. I was with all my friends, escaping the heat of the summer and having a good time. For most of the day I sat in Frank’s lap, his arms wrapped around me, his head rested on my shoulder. When it came time to go home, he walked me. It was actually closer to 4 in the morning, and despite the fact that I had to get up early to help my sister, I didn’t care one bit that it was so late. When we reached the front door, he quickly turned me to face him, looking into my eyes and out of nowhere telling me I was perfect, that he loved me. There was never any point in my life when I didn’t believe this from him. The part about him loving me that is. We kissed for a long while, and then with a sad sigh and a wave I walked inside, Frank leaving to go back to Ray’s. I turned once more to say goodbye, and thankfully he heard me, turning with a grin.
I went to bed immediately, not even bothering to change out of my clothes. I drifted off to sleep thinking of Frankie’s Cheshire cat grin and how the sight of it warmed me within.
June 26 (continued)
I reached the parking lot of the hospital and quickly parked. I didn’t want to waste time, I just wanted to get to Frank. I ran through the hospital, asking a nurse behind a desk where I could find him. She spoke to me like she was giving me her condolences, which pissed me off. Once I got up to his floor, I could see the boys in the waiting area just outside his room. As I saw Gerard, my heart sunk further and I ran into his arms, completely losing my composure. Around me I could hear Mikey and Matt talking about how the man who caused the whole accident was getting off with a charge of driving under the influence, but nothing more.
“I need to see him Gee.” I managed between sobs. “Please, I have to see him.”
Gerard did his best to calm me down before taking my hand and leading me to the door. We stopped just short of entering and he turned to me. “He’s been in and out of consciousness, he’s still breathing on his own, but he’s not doing well Aid…”
I nodded, swallowing hard and trying to make the tears stop. I needed to be strong for Frank. I couldn’t be a mess. I needed to pull it together.
He led me through the door, and immediately to my left I could see Ray in a hospital bed, asleep and bandaged up. The right side of the room had been curtained off and I knew that Frank was on the other side.
I took a few more steps into the room and tensed as Gerard pulled the curtains back from around Frank’s bed. When the curtains were fully drawn, I could see a fragile, ghost white image that was terrifying. I could see that he had been hooked up to a bunch of machines, and his breathing was very shallow. He appeared to be sleeping until I let out muffled sob. I looked back up to him to see him looking weakly back at me. His arm and his head were heavily bandaged, both seemed to be bleeding through. Even being as pale as he was, she still managed to look so beautiful. I knew in this moment, that things weren’t going to be okay, but I pushed the thought aside as fast as it came. I walked to his bedside and sat down gently beside him, taking his hand.
“I love you Frankie, hang in there okay?” I choked out.
“I love you Aiden, don’t ever forget that.” he spoke in a whisper.
I could hear the door click, signaling that Gerard had left us alone. “Frankie, don't talk like that baby, please... you can't leave me. It's not supposed to be like this.” I said to him through stinging tears. “Please Frankie, stay with me... stay with me.”
“Lay with me Aid?” he asked, trying to smile for me.
I laid down beside him, still holding his hand tight in mine. “It’s not fair, the asshole that caused this, he gets off with a DUI and you and Ray have to suffer? You shouldn’t have to suffer because of him…”
So much for staying strong for Frank. He was always the strong one, not me. His voice snapped me out of my thoughts again. “Aiden, it’s alright. I’m not scared.. You know I’ll always be here, even if… even if this turns out badly. I was always yours Aid, I always will be.”
All it had taken was for Ray and Frank to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and here they were, Ray with serious injuries and Frank on his deathbed. It made no sense. I looked up to Frank’s face, tears still in my eyes to see him staring down at me. I leaned up just enough so that I could press my lips to his.
“I love you Aiden, promise me you won’t forget that.” He managed to say between kisses. When we stopped, we both remained quiet. In no time we both fell asleep. When I drifted off, I could faintly feel the beat of Frank’s heart as it slowly started to give up.
When I awoke almost an hour later, I couldn’t feel the beat of his heart anymore. It had stopped completely, and his warmth was starting to fade. A few tears made their way down my cheeks, and for one last time, I pressed my lips against his pale pink ones. Droplets of water stained his pillow and cheek from where my tears had fallen. I pushed aside an out of place hair, and looked at his perfect beauty. I got out of bed and sat down in the chair beside it. I grasped his hand again and began to cry more. It must have been loud, because moments later, Gerard and Mikey made their way into the room. I turned to them, and spoke as calmly as I could. “He’s gone.. Frankie… He’s gone.”
Mikey stopped all movement. Staring bewildered at Frank’s body, his hand still clasped tightly in my own. Gerard had come over to me, trying to coax me into a comforting hug. When Matt entered the room, he stayed at Mikey’s side, seeing the scene before him.
It wasn’t long before a doctor came back in to check on Frank, finding his fragile lifeless body instead. We all had to leave the room so the doctors could do evaluations and reports. We had to stay until they were finished, because we were all Frank had left in this world, his family had passed away a few years prior.
Gerard kept a close eye on me that night, held me close while I cried and violently sobbed. I stayed at his place that night, falling asleep on the couch between him and Mikey. When I woke up in the morning, I was exhausted. I felt numb. I knew in the next few days I’d have to help the guys plan Frank’s funeral, and I wasn’t sure that I could handle it.