Write It Down

Four days. It’s been four days and Jack still hasn’t gotten the courage to tell Alex. It came so fast; the cancer.
One day he’s going to the doctor for slight abdominal pain, and now he’s sitting in his bedroom floor, clutching his stomach and crying because he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do. How does he go about having cancer?

He’s told his mother.
She just simply told him she would be there for him through it all. Then she cried. He held her and told her everything would be alright.

But he just couldn’t bring himself to find the courage to tell Alex. Would he stay with him? Or would he leave because having a boyfriend with cancer was just too much?
Jack didn’t know what else to do at this point. He just wanted to lay in this same position on his floor and never breathe or exist. Why was this happening to him? Out of all the bad people in the world why Jack? Jack always did what he was supposed to. He got good grades in school. He’s worked for what he has.

Why was God taking him away so quickly? Forcing him to leave Alex. They haven’t even started. They haven’t even fucking started.

Jack finally unrolled himself from the balled up position he had forced himself into and climbed up to his bed, clutching his pillow tight as he, for the hundredth time, took in the fact that he was dying. He had a year before his body would stop.
And his life would end.

His heart would stop beating. His lungs would stop breathing. Everything in his body would just stop. He simply would not exist anymore. He would leave the Earth and go to wherever it is people go when they die.

He remembered a book he read a few years ago. One that really touched his heart. Made him feel whole in a very sad, unexciting time in his high school career.
He remembered the first page.
His favorite passage.

“The human body is a miracle, the way it heals. A factory of survival and self-repair. As soon as flesh is cut, cells spontaneously begin to divide and knit themselves into a protective scar. A million new organic bonds bridge the broken space, with no judgment passed on the method of injury[…] A trauma patient who’d felt only one quick tug, looked down at her severed hand and wondered whom on Earth it might belong.

Even pain can be stunned into silence by the imperative to live.”

Jack remembered The Healer by Carol Cassella. He remembered how it made him feel like his heart would heal and be fixed after it had been broken so many times.
But now that passage and the entire book had a new meaning. But Jack didn’t think it could get him through this.
He didn’t think his body had the imperative to live.

The cancer was too powerful for that. Too strong.

Jack felt his phone vibrate on the table next to him. He glanced over to see it was Alex. He couldn’t answer. Then he would feel compelled to confess this week’s nauseating events. Which he wasn’t ready to do just yet.

Alex needed to know, but how was just going to tell him that the relationship they’ve built in this short amount of time is going to be tore down from the ground up?

He couldn’t.

He just pictured Alex’s face crumpling at the news as he fell to the ground and they lost all hope of this really being just a dream.

So he just let the call go to voicemail, like he has been doing for the past four days. Sooner or later Alex was going to realize something was wrong, and he was going to try and find out exactly what it was. But once again, Jack just isn’t ready for that.

When the phone finally stopped vibrating, Jack laid back, releasing his pillow and staring up at the ceiling above. His eyes were hot with tears as he remembered the first 3 days of being Alex’s boyfriend.
The first three days. It doesn’t sound like much, and to an outsider it probably sounds mind-boggling.

He took in every memory of their first official date as a couple.
He took in Alex’s clothes, the way he walked, the way he smelled. He took in everything.

Jack heard the doorbell ring as he finished spraying his hair with the last few drops left in his extra-large can of hairspray. He quickly checked his appearance and smiled at his own choice in attire. He admired his choice in style as he sported a black button-up dress shirt with a loosely fit purple tie. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows and the tail of his shirt was untucked.
He thought he looked pretty good for their first date.

That feeling soon disappeared as he opened the door and saw his boyfriend, Alexander Gaskarth, standing in front of him.
Smiling with a box of fine chocolates in his hand. His boyfriend was cheesy, but cheesy was something that hit Jack right in the heart, making his knees feel like jelly as he invited the other boy in.

Jack may of thought his spiky hair, fancy dress up shirt, and tight black pants were a great way to look for a first date.
But then when he saw Alex, that idea flew out the window. He was absolutely amazed at how perfect his boy looked. He was wearing a deep blue dress shirt, similar to Jack’s. But his was tucked in loosely and accompanied by a clean, white bow tie. His sleeves were also rolled up and he was wearing dark blue jeans with solid converse. Jack admired how his hair laid in a perfect mess atop his adorable head, and he was freshly shaven as Jack smelled the scent of aftershave drifting from his body while he hugged him.

It was safe to say that Jack felt extremely over-stepped.

“You look great,” he heard Alex offer as he was still lost in the glow of perfection that was his boyfriend.

“I’m saying the same thing about you in my head right now,” Jack whispered in return. Alex chuckled at the boy’s flustered behavior.

“Come on, we’ve got a reservation to meet.” Alex winked.

So there they went, off to a fancy restaurant on a perfect night, feeling perfect with each other.
Jack felt his hand being laced with another as Alex nervously grasped his as they walked towards him.
They both, especially Jack, were nervous about tonight. Neither wanted to mess this up. It was almost crucial that this went well.

Alex opened the door for his boyfriend and allowed him to climb into the car, smiling as the wind blew his perfectly placed black and blonde hair, making him reach and make sure it remained flawless.
Alex already thought he looked flawless.

They were driving towards the restaurant, listening to the radio, ignoring the top 40 and thinking about each other.

---

Jack gasped when they entered into the restaurant. The tables were covered in black and gold cloth, with crystal glasses and brightly shining silverware.
Real silverware.

“Alex-“ He whispered. “Alex, this is so perfect. I-I-“ He paused and looked over at his boyfriend. “Thank you..”

The other boy smiled, “Our table is that way..” He nudged him over in the direction of their table.

“Are you sure you can afford this?” Jack questioned. He knew that journalists didn’t get paid much. “I can half the bill with you..”

Alex started laughing as he handed Jack an obviously expensive, leather dinner menu. “Actually, my parents own this place. So, get whatever you want. It’s on the house.” He winked.
It made Jack feel better that Alex wouldn’t be splurging his whole paycheck on him.

He looked around at the black and gold décor. The walls were painted gold, with a few walls covered in black crackle paint. The chandeliers dangled low, twinkling and bright.

“This is so nice..” Jack kept saying; repetitively.

For a man that had never had a boyfriend, this was an extremely extravagant first (ever) date.

They order nice off the menu. Jack with steak, Alex a fine lobster. And honestly, had the best conversation each had had with anyone.

They discussed the important things; the things Jack had never discussed with anyone. He went more in depth with the loss of his father.

He told him about his mother’s anxiety and why she had to work the long hours to keep herself from going absolutely insane. He told Alex about how he thought that it had something to do with her missing his dad.

But that he would never ask her for fear of her reaction.

He told Alex about being harassed in high school. About never having friends, but finding consolation in writing. He would write for hours on end about everything. And anything.

And, Alex listened intently the whole time, writing down key points in his journal. Jack smiled because he remembered how Alex told him only the interesting things get written down.

It made him happy that he was interesting Alex.

It really did.

Alex told Jack about how his family was well off and had a few scattered restaurants around Baltimore, and they paid for his entire education without even batting an eyelash when he told them he was too lazy to apply for scholarships.

He told him about going to private school, but begging his parents to allow him to entire public school because he was tired of the expectations and restrictions of attending private.

Jack listened. Nodding at the appropriate times, and smiling when Alex told him about his little sister, and how she was his favorite person in the whole world.

He smiled even bigger when he told Jack that he couldn’t wait for him to meet her. Because he knew she’d fall in love with him as soon as she laid eyes on him.

By the time it was time to leave the restaurant; Alex looked at the bill and rolled his eyes, making a comment about how his parents overprice everything.

He signed the receipt, evidently allowing the meal to be free of cost, and they were on their way.

The night was over.

And Jack had never felt more secure in his life. He felt like he finally had something permanent in his life.

And as Alex pulled out of the parking lot of his parents restaurant, he felt the same. The both knew what was coming in the next few weeks.

The four-letter word that would bring them closer together, yet farther away from the past. Farther away from loneliness.

Love.

The memories came crushing down on Jack as he returned into the fetal position and cried.

He cried for what felt like hours. That was the first night of his and Alex’s real, official relationship and the moment he decided to let him in on his not-so-secret secret, it would all be over. Nothing would ever be like that night again. Nothing would ever feel that way, or even be remotely close to being that way ever again.

Jack got out of his bed and walked his way into the bathroom connected to his bedroom and looked at himself in the mirror.

He looked like he had cancer. His eyes were dark and sunken in and his skin was paler and clammy. His hair was dull and no where near as vibrant as it was before he got his dreaded news.

How could Alex ever be attracted to him when he looked like this? There’s no way he would ever want to kiss him or hold him again when he looked like he belonged in a casket.

Because that’s exactly what Jack looked like.

Jack looked like death. Pure, cold death.

No life.

Whatsoever. Jack might as well have been buried underground because his body already seemed to be decaying.

He looked like a zombie.

How could Alex love a zombie?

The answer is simple.

He wouldn’t.