Write It Down

Dear Journal,

It has been a while since I last wrote you. Things have changed so much since I met Jack. I used to write everything down. Everything that went on around me, I would put into a little notebook, save it for later, than write about it when my heart felt it was time. Now I barely have time even for you, Journal, my newest form of self-expression.

But, we made love. And it was the most amazing, emotional, and absolutely loving experience of my life. Sure, it felt good in a physical way, too. But, it was more in the fact that I was sharing something so intimate and personal with the one man that has turned my heart inside out. I want this forever, Journal.

And, I think that’s what makes things so heartbreaking. The fact that I know I might not have forever. It scares me to death that maybe the treatments at CTCA won’t work, and that I really will have to say goodbye to the love of my life sooner than I should. Every day I see Jack, and he looks a little bit more tired and a little bit less lively. And it kills me. Our newfound hope can’t stop the life from draining out of him.
CTCA is our only hope, Journal. I don’t want to ever have to go a day without feeling him, and seeing him, and making him just as happy as he deserves to be.

That’s all I want, really. For Jack to be happy. I want to stand next to him and watch him beat this cancer. I want to be the one holding his hand when the doctor says, “The tests were negative. The cancer’s gone. Congratulations Mr. Barakat.” I want to see his face when he realizes he’s not dying.

That’s all I want.

And I’m begging for it.

But, I have to go now.
I know this is shorter than usual, Journal, but I have plans with Jack in a few and I have to leave. I’ll write again soon.

Forever your writer,
Alexander William.

---

Alex closed his journal and smiled. He had taken a short break from his exit to write his entry into the journal, and now he was leaving to go pick up Jack and take him over to his parent’s house. Tonight was the night that Jack was going to meet the two people that had offered to pay for the care he needed more than anything else in the world. It felt so long overdue, and Alex hated that it had to get this bad for him to introduce him to his parents.

When Alex pulled up to Jack’s place, with his hair hanging in his eyes and a solemn smile on his face, he felt the night falling down on him. This was probably going to be the only time Jack would ever get to see Alex’s parents. Because, after this week they would be in Atlanta, receiving treatment for his cancer. And, although the CTCA staff would be able to provide Alex with a few more months with his beloved, there was no hope for Jack’s survival. Alex knew that. There would be no more visits with Jack to Baltimore. When he left in a few days, he would be saying goodbye to his life in the city. He would leave to live out the rest of his days in Atlanta.

The tears were already fresh in Alex’s eyes by the time he made it to the door. And, when Jack opened the door, he almost lost it. The love of his life looked so sick today. Some days he looked like he did before the cancer, but today was definitely not one of those days. His eyes were sunken in and dark with sleep-deprived circles wrapped around his lids. Jack looked like he could fall over at any moment. Dead.

He felt that way, too. Jack could feel the cancer eating away the healthy cells of his body. Pancreatic cancer was a bitch, and he would be the first to tell you so. But tonight he was not going to miss the chance to show Alex’s parents just how appreciative he was that they were so quick and willing to give their son’s dying boyfriend a chance.
Jack didn’t like thinking of himself as Alex’s dying boyfriend.
But that’s what he was, wasn’t he? When he was going from Baltimore, everyone at the Ledger would have small talk in the break room about how Alex Gaskarth ran away to Atlanta to get treatment for his dying boyfriend.

So Jack didn’t try to think of himself any differently. He knew he was lucky, and when he looked at Alex tonight standing on his front porch in simple skinny jeans and a mickey mouse hoodie, he couldn’t help but thank God for the caring, sweet, gorgeous man that he had been blessed with.

The boys smiled at each other as they each came out of their trance.

Jack gently took the hand of the boy who owned his virginity and walked with him to his car. Neither could deny the memories of the heated night they had had with each other. Neither could fight the urges to kiss passionately in the driveway.

But Jack knew he was too tired to try and successfully make out with Alex. And, Alex knew that once he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop. And, he knew that Jack was going to be too sick today.

The ride to Alex’s parent’s house was a quiet one. They didn’t need to talk though because they both knew exactly what was going through each of their minds. In a few days Jack was going to get his chance, and even though his chance was slim, they still prayed. Alex knew that tonight his parent’s would see how bad Jack’s situation was. He hated that they had to see him this way, but once again, he didn’t have much time.

He didn’t have much time.

---

“Hello, Jack. It’s so great to meet you finally,” Alex’s mother smiled as she gently gave the boy in front of her a soft hug.
Jack was surprised at Mrs. Gaskarth’s appearance. She wasn’t nearly as beautiful as he expected her to be, considering the degree of perfection that her son possessed. But she was pretty all the same. Her eyes were brown, like Alex’s, and she had a darker colored brown hair that sit right above her shoulders.

Mr. Gaskarth wasn’t as extravagant as pictured either, but when he shook Jack’s hand, firmly and with much confidence, Jack knew he was a man who meant business.

The Gaskarth’s all seemed happy tonight as they all sat around the table, laughing at silly stories referring to Alex. Never once mentioning the fact that Jack was dying, or that they were the one’s paying for his treatment.
It seemed almost inappropriate to bring up the matter, but Jack couldn’t wait to thank them any longer.
“Uhm, Mr. and Mrs. Gaskarth?” He said, the nervousness in his voice was so obviously apparent. They both looked up at him, directly in the eye for the first time that night. And that’s when Jack saw it. The pity. Jack tried to ignore it but the sad look in Mrs. Gaskarth’s eyes made it so obvious that she knew what he was about to say and she didn’t want to make it apparent that she was uncomfortable speaking of the matter.

“Yes, dear?” She asked after a few moments of Jack’s silence.

“Thank you.” He paused, looking down at the mashed potatoes he had barely put a dent in. “For everything.”

Both Mr. and Mrs. Gaskarth smiled. They tried to look happy, but Jack knew that there was no happiness in the room.
Before they could answer, Jack found himself getting dizzy. His head began to get woozy and his vision began to slightly impair as he tried to smile. He didn’t want them to think that he was sicker than appeared, so he ignored the unexpected sign of his death sentence.
“You’re welcome, Jack.” The both said, holding on to each other’s hands as they glanced at each other with sad, already tired eyes. He wasn’t looking at them, however, as he tried to gain focus around him.

The room began spinning as Jack attempted to rise out of his chair. “I-I need to go to the bathroom.. P-Please excuse me.”

“Jack, are you okay?” Alex immediately noticed the difference in Jack’s behavior. And in honesty he was already scared.

“Uh.. yeah. I’m—“ Jack felt himself collapse before he could even get the words out. He fell over his chair and right onto the carpeted dining room floor. His face hit the ground and he blacked out, incoherent of everything around him.

Alex felt his stomach drop as he quickly fell next to his boy, feeling of his neck for a heartbeat. He breathed in deeply when he noticed there was still a faint beat coming through his skin.

Alex looked up at his parents frantically as he noticed the shock on both of their faces as they remained seated at the table.

“Mom..” He said, louder than necessary in the silent room. “CALL 9-1-1!”