Write It Down

This was it. Jack was dying, and there wasn’t anything Alex could do anymore. They ran out of doctors—they ran out of hospitals. They ran out of any option for Jack’s survival. Alex didn’t want to see the world without Jack in it. He didn’t want to go to work every day knowing Jack was six feet under rotting away, missing him—waiting for him to join him.
Alex wasn’t sure if he believed in God anymore. He always thought there was someone up there watching over them, but he was terrified of whoever that was. Because whoever was up there was trying to keep them apart. He was taking Jack from him.

Do you remember the beginning of this? When the only thing these two had to worry about was a silly article? Alex thought that was what was going to tear them apart—if Jack found out about his story. Now the whole universe was trying to rip their love apart.
Alex sat down on the edge of the chair next to Jack’s bed at their apartment. He came home shortly after he learned Jack was still alive. He wanted to make it to wherever they were going before Jack did. He knew Jack was going to be scared—he didn’t want him to go alone.

He looked around the apartment for the last time. He looked at all of the medicine bottles, the gray curtains Jack’s mother sent them to make the room darker. His favorite was the collage of pictures on the wall in front of his bed. Jack wanted to make it so when he got sad, all he had to do was look up and see all of his most wonderful memories. There were Halloween pictures from when he was younger- pictures from their first date—so many wonderful memories that Alex also cherished so dearly. He opened a bottle of Jack’s pain meds, it was full because Jack had always refused to take them because of how out of it he got.

He sat the pills down on the table, next to his journal. His journal. He picked it up. It wasn’t anything special. Just a black and white composition book that he wrote all of his thoughts in. He had not written much since he met Jack. Everything had just been just a whirlwind since then. But he remembered the first articles he did write about Jack. He remembered noting all of his feelings towards writing.

The feeling I get when I write a powerful story is like riding down a fast rollercoaster; I never know what’s going to happen until the ride stops.

Part of that of was still true. He felt so much exhilaration when he wrote. None of that compared to how he felt for Jack, though. He felt so many wonderful feelings all at once when he was around Jack. Even in the end, when Jack was nothing but a limp body lost in illness, he could still look at him and see all that was good in the world. He could see the innocence, the beauty, and all of the acceptance just by looking in Jack’s eyes. He didn’t want to lose that.
He wanted the world to know just how cherished Jack was. It was always the plan to write a story about Jack, wasn’t it? So why not now? It was going to be his goodbye. His final farewell to the world.

I’m sorry about all of this. I’m sorry to whoever had to find me like this. I have a lot of apologies I need to make, but the only one that matters is my apology to Jack.
My name is Alex Gaskarth, and I fell in love with a beautiful man from Baltimore, who didn’t have any care in the world. His biggest decision every day was whether to use regular or chocolate milk in his cocoa puffs that morning. I fell in love with his smile, his hair and just about everything else about him. But, most importantly I fell in love with his heart. I fell in love with how he always chose chocolate milk—even though he always pretended like he might choose regular that morning. There are so many things that I didn’t even know were so wonderful about him—until I found out I was going to have to live without him.

As most of you know, Jack was diagnosed with cancer. It was touch and go for a while, but in the end the doctors said his body was not going to make it. He’s still alive as I write this. But, he won’t be for much longer. I don’t want him to die alone. I want to have forever with him just like we always talked about. Once, he looked at me during one of his rounds of radiation and said, “When I get better, you have to promise me we will see the world together.” I’m going to keep that promise to him. We will see the world together. When his life ends, and he finds me waiting on him, he will be better. And we will look at the world from up above, seeing every beautiful inch he didn’t get to experience in life.

I am so sorry, Jack. I know you would want me to keep trying, and to keep writing. You keep telling me to go back to work at the paper and when you’re gone I have to succeed beyond your wildest imagination. I just can’t. Not without you. So, I’m sorry. You’ve been so strong through your last days as you faced all of this pain. But I cannot do it. I am so scared of waking up to a phone call from the hospital telling me you slipped away in the night. I don’t want that.
When you pass away, I want you to come home to my arms. I want to see your face when you realize we have eternity together.
I love you Jack Barakat. That’s why I can’t say goodbye. Not to you.

This wasn’t the story I had intended to write, but my tears are started to prevent my vision. I must go now. I’ll watch over you all. With Jack.

Alex read over what he wrote. It seemed kind of juvenile. A suicide note being his last and final writing piece. But then he saw the pills. And he knew he was making the right decision. Jack was going to be so excited when he saw him.
He swallowed every pill in Jack’s prescription bottle. He was ready to sleep away his goodbye to the world.
They tickled going down his throat.
This was it.
This was the end.