Write It Down

Dear Journal,
Well. Hi. I’m trying something new, here.

I’ve had journals before, yeah. But, honestly, I’ve never had one for my own person use. Story ideas and notes for articles, sure.
But, never like a “Dear Diary,” type thing.

So, here we go. This is my life.

I’m Alex Gaskarth. I work for the Baltimore Ledger in Baltimore, Maryland. I am the voice behind the “Ask Morrie,” column. It’s a pretty shitty job for now. But, I’m working on it. I graduated from Northwestern at the top of my class, (I’m pretty proud of that one, actually.) And, I am definitely a proud journalist. Hashtag, supportthepaper ya’ll!

Recently, I met a boy. One of my readers, actually, and I have ABSOLUTELY NO OTHER OUTLET. AHHHH. So you’re just going to have to listen to me ramble because dammit, I need you; you gorgeous pen and paper, you.

His name is Jack Barakat. He is smart, sensitive, shy, and surprisingly out going.
He’s not very social, however. Actually, he’s the complete opposite. I don’t think he ever left his house until he met me, actually.
I’m not complaining, though. That just means I can show him the world without worrying about the “ifs” and the “buts.”

My editor thinks he’s pretty interesting, too. He thinks that if I write a story about someone like Jack it will get more people interested in the paper again.
It’ll show Baltimore that we are the people’s voice. And that we are here to listen.

The only problem is, I can’t let Jack know. It has to be completely undercover. And I am not exaggerating when I say it kills me every day.

When I say I am a dedicated and proud journalist, I mean it in the most literal sense. I wake up thinking about journalism. I fall asleep thinking about journalism.
I drink my morning coffee thinking about journalism. That’s just how I am. I love it. I love being able to voice the issues and the most interesting stories of our great nation.

The feeling I get when I write a powerful story is like riding down a fast rollercoaster; I never know what’s going to happen until the ride stops. When type the words on my computer screen, my fingers start going and they never really stop until the magic is finished.

So, you must understand why I have to write this story. Why I must practically humiliate Jack Barakat and ruin his trust in any person forever.

That’s just MY story.

But, there’s always a problem in every story, right? A conflict; the climax.
Well…
…Something happened with Jack. And it makes me want to jump up and down and cry and smile and laugh and WRITE and draw and sing and play my guitar and write more songs and share it with the world. I want them all to know what Jack Barakat has done for me. I want them to know how he changed my life and how fucking LUCKY I am to have him supporting me even though he should be the one running away from me.

I guess I should let you in on what happened… Well, Jack and I KISSED. And, honestly, it feels like I am literally sitting in heaven with God, looking down on all of the people and laughing because none of them are as lucky as me.

I feel like I’m 16 again. I feel giddy and excited and I literally want to jump up and down and dance.. (and I hate dancing..) I want to run laps around a football field and sing the National Anthem at a NASCAR race. I want to go and take him fucking shopping and buy him the whole store because he deserves that and a million times more. I want this SO BAD, JOURNAL.
It sucks that you’re the only person.. UH, THING.. I can tell about this. I can’t tell my family, fuck, my mom would disown me if she knew I was seeing a man.
I can’t tell my friends because they all think I’m straight, and after all this time I just don’t know if I can honestly come out to them.

I can’t tell my coworkers because everyone knows I’m writing a story about him and it wouldn’t be an objective article if they knew how I felt about him.

Shit. THE ARTICLE. I haven’t even started, and I really don’t want to either. I can’t reveal Jack to the fucking world after I just basically told him how I feel.
Shit, I just admitted to MYSELF how I felt about him.

And I want him all to myself. NO ONE ELSE SHOULD GET TO KNOW HOW FUCKING SPECIAL HE IS. Shit. SHIT.
This is all happening so fast, Journal. One day I’m a simple Ask Column writer and the next day I’m falling in love with a quirky, skinny, lanky, shy, and out-right beautiful man I just met.
I’m sure to any outsider this would sound fucking insane.
I’m sure it would sound like I was lusting after Jack for pure affection. But no one can tell me how I feel until they feel it themselves. And none of them ever will.

They’re all too selfish to care what’s really happening inside my heart. The only person that has really paid attention to Alex Gaskarth IS Alex Gaskarth himself. (ME.)
And, Jack of course. Which is why I think he’s so amazing. Wow.

Journal, am I being ridiculous? Because I think that once I write this article, my career is going to go places, finally. I’m going to FINALLY be that journalist I always strived to be.

But the only question is:

Is it worth it?

Jack is a whole new rollercoaster that is taking me up and down and all around, making my stomach fly to the stars and back.
And, this is a ride I never want to get off of.

So, help me, journal.
Morrie now has questions that he can’t answer.

I need help.

Is living the life of a strong and powerful journalist really worth this? Because the farther I move along and the more I fall for Jack, the more I think that maybe I made the wrong decision, maybe I wasn’t cut out for this.

If you find, the answer, please tell me.

Because I’m lost. And I really wish I could find my way around again.

Thank you.
Your Lost Boy,
Alexander William