Broken

“You don’t mind just hanging out here and watching TV tonight do you?” Martin asked as he and Tara sat down on the couch in his motor home. It was Friday night, their first night at the track, and he was suddenly aware of the fact he hadn’t really thought about what it would be like having someone else there with him.

“Are you kidding? What do you think I do almost every night at home? My friends are lucky to drag me out of the house once a week.” Tara laughed. “I like to think I’m pretty easy to be around at night.”

Martin smiled at her. “Just thought I’d make sure. Its been well over a year since I’ve had someone else here with me so I’m pretty used to just doing whatever I want. And you’re always easy to be around.”

“I’m assuming that’s when you broke up with your last girlfriend? Sorry for asking, I just remember you saying something about her a few weeks ago.”

“Yeah, its been a while now. We’d been together for two years when we broke up so it was a pretty big change to be here alone. After a while you just get used to it.”

“Tell me about it. Do you mind me asking what happened with you two?”

“Just wasn’t meant to be I guess. We wanted the same things in life but we always seemed to want them at different times. It just got to be too much after a while and there was no point in putting off the inevitable.”

“Sorry for asking, I was just curious.”

“Hey, don’t be sorry. It’s a part of life and I’ve got nothing to hide. I told you, anything you want to know about me just ask.”

“Okay.”

The pair fell into silence as Martin flipped through the channels. As he had expected there wasn’t much on TV. He also didn’t want to put the television on something that Tara might hate and make her miserable, making his choice about where to put the TV harder.

Tara was watching him as he channel surfed. She could read the look on his face all too well. It was something she did every time Emily and her husband, Jacob, came for a visit and stayed with her. “Actually, I think I’m going to get some reading done.”

“You don’t mind what is on the television?”

“Not at all. Put it where you normally would.”

She reached into her duffle bag, which was still in the living room area, and pulled out the same worn hardback copy of To Kill A Mockingbird. It didn’t take long before she was immersed in the story and everything else seemed to fade away.

Martin watched as she read. She seemed so extremely content to have a book in her hands. The look in her eyes told him that she was so engrossed in the story that the rest of the world had melted away. The only thing that nagged at him was her choice to read that specific book. He’d noticed it on her coffee table before and she’d said it was her favorite book but there was something nagging at him. The book looked worn out and it was an older hardback instead of the paperback copies he always saw in stores.

“Tara?” He asked, watching as she looked over the top of her book.

“Yeah?”

“I know this is a strange question but why To Kill A Mockingbird? I mean that looks like a special copy and I’ve noticed it on your coffee table before. Is there some sort of special reason you love that book so much?”

She smiled, surprised he had picked that up. “You are the first man I’ve ever dated that picked up on that. Yeah there is a special reason behind it.”

“Are you ready to tell me?”

“When I was in 6th grade Emily was a Sophomore and they had to read it. I loved reading and I begged to read it with her but mom was afraid I was still to little. So when I got to North Carolina that June I asked Grandpa about it. It had always been his favorite book. He was the main reason I fell in love with reading at a young age, I mean my mom is a reader but when I was young she didn’t have the time or desire to so I never picked it up from her. Every summer he would get two copies of at least one classic book and we’d read it together. So I thought maybe he’d agree to reading it that summer since he loved it. I’ll never forget the look on his face when I asked him, I don’t think I’d ever seen anyone so happy over a book before. He swore me to secrecy, I couldn’t tell mom about it, and we rushed to the bookstore to get a second copy. We read it twice that summer and once every summer after that.

“When I turned eighteen he wanted to get me a really special birthday present. So he managed to find a copy of To Kill A Mockingbird that was printed the year I was born. He had this friend that always wrote his own manuscripts for his kids and he always made them into hardbacks. So my grandpa took this book to him and had him take it apart and had an extra page printed up and added to the front before putting it back together.” She flipped to the front of the book and handed it to Martin.

He looked down at the page and started reading the message. It was a page long and it was a touching letter from a grandfather to his granddaughter. Martin came across several references that he knew had to be something special between them. When he finished reading it he handed the book back to her. “That is really amazing.”

“This is the only gift I ever got that made me cry. For the longest time my grandpa was the only person I could turn to and be honest with. There was never any bullshit when I talked to him. So when we lost him this became the best way for me to keep him close. The first two months after his death I just read this book over and over. Now it just relaxes me. I know every word but its so relaxing to read it that I do it every few weeks. Two chapters a night until I finish it.”

Martin reached over and placed a hand on her knee. He was sure she was getting more comfortable around him. It was still a matter of moving slowly but he was sure it was working. “I’m really glad you came with me.”

“I am too.”

He noticed she had kept the book closed and sitting in her lap. She didn’t seem to be in a hurry to pick it back up and go back to reading. She seemed to be perfectly content to watch the action movie he’d found on TV with him.

For several minutes he debated whether he should try and get her to open up about her past. He wanted to know more. He knew it wasn’t going to be a happy story but he wanted to know anyway. It was a part of who she was and he wanted to know everything about her. Whatever had happened to her as a child it was clearly still influencing her or she wouldn’t be so closed off about it.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he almost didn’t notice when she moved closer to him. When he did notice he placed an arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer into his side. He felt her tense for a moment and was afraid he’d spooked her. She’d never seemed reluctant about anything like this before but he was never sure. When she rested her head on his shoulder and he felt her relax he realized she’d just been thinking.

Things were silent until the movie ended. Tara yawned, suddenly aware of how tired she was. Looking over at Martin, she said, “Do you have an extra pillow and blanket?”

He chuckled. “Uh yeah. Why?”

“So I can sleep out here.”

“I was sorta thinking you’d sleep in the bedroom with me.”

“I don’t want to be in your way.”

Martin couldn’t help but laugh. “Trust me, you aren’t going to be in my way. Just try it for a little while before you try and sleep out here. The bedroom is far more comfortable.”

“You sure?”

Martin planted a kiss on her lips. “I’m a hundred percent sure. How long has it been since you’ve shared a bed?”

Tara thought back for a moment. “Close to three years I think.”

“Wow.”

“Told you, I suck at relationships.”

***

Qualifying was Saturday afternoon and didn’t go as Martin had hoped. When he arrived back at his motor home he was a little irritated and Tara quickly picked up on it. She tensed up instantly, suddenly uncomfortable.

It was several minutes before Martin noticed the change in her demeanor. She was maintaining a distance from him and hadn’t really said anything. She was also avoiding looking at him. As he realized how uncomfortable she was it started to make him uncomfortable. “You alright?” He asked breaking the silence.

“Yup, fine.” She answered quickly.

“Really? Because you’re being awfully quiet.”

“I hadn’t noticed.”

“That’s crap and we both know it.” Martin moved closer, suddenly concerned. “Tara, what’s wrong?”

“Its nothing. It isn’t important.”

“I want to know. You’re worrying me.”

“Don’t be worried,” She smiled a little. “its just one of those things I warned you about.”

“Things?”

“Its complica-”

Martin jumped in, cutting her off. “It can’t be that complicated. I told you I wouldn’t push you but something has been wrong since I walked through that door.”

Tara took a deep breathe, her heart rate speeding up. “You’re mad.”

“I’m not mad, I’m just irritated. That is what this is about? Me being irritated?”

She nodded. “I told you its just one of those things. Its stupid.”

Martin was shocked at her answer. He hadn’t expected to hear what he had just heard. He reached out to grab her hand and she shoved it in her pocket. Now he was floored. “You’re scared of me right now.” It wasn’t a question but she didn’t deny the statement. “What is going on?”

“This is what I meant when I said I’m damaged.”

“Then tell me why.”

“Because this is how I grew up!” He saw a range of emotions flash across her face. Anger, hurt, fear, panic, and even frustration all flashed on her face.

“What do you mean?”

“You want to know my mom, sister, and I lived with everyday until she finally left my piece of shit father? Yelling, screaming, and constant put downs; verbal abuse every single day. Every time he got a little irritated or mad he would yell and scream at us for hours, hell sometimes he did it when he seemed happy. My life was a living hell. When my mom finally left him I had no self-confidence, no self-worth, I thought it was my fault because I was a horrible daughter, I was depressed, I withdrew from everyone except my grandpa, I couldn’t trust new people and had problems trusting people I already knew, and I couldn’t control my emotions. I spent four and a half years in therapy so that I could maybe be fixed. And guess what? It didn’t completely work. Therapy helped but I can’t be fixed.”

Tara was sitting down on the couch already, her head in her hands. She was in disbelief that she had just said all that. She hadn’t meant to tell him all of that but once her mouth had opened and it started it was like floodgates opening.

Martin sank down onto the couch beside her. “Oh my God. I expected something bad but I didn’t expe-”

This time it was Tara’s turn to cut him off. “Yeah. Didn’t expect to hear it was years of emotional abuse did you? You know, I’ve met a lot of people that say it isn’t abuse. That is one reasons I’m so reluctant to talk about it. Hell, I can’t believe I just told you all that.”

“People are assholes to say that. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize.”

“How would you? It isn’t like I’d told you anything. I didn’t even plan on telling you yet. It just sort of came out.”

“You don’t need to be scared of me. I’m nothing like your father. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“You think I don’t know that? I already know that, Martin, but it doesn’t matter. Its just a left over effect. I can’t control it, it just happens.”

“Do you do that with your friends?”

“No, but I’ve known them for so long. I used to, when mom and I first moved back home, but over the years I stopped. I won’t be able to control it around you for a while.”

Martin placed his hand on her back, gently rubbing it up and down. “I’m sorry.”

“For what? You have nothing to apologize for. I’m the one that should be apologizing.”

“What should you be apologizing for?”

“I know that you’re a good guy but seeing you even the littlest bit irritated just got me all shook up. I should be able to control it.”

“Hey, don’t think like that. I do have one question though.”

Tara was still holding her head in her hands. Just like in the past, the embarrassment was starting to set it. It had been years since the last time she’d had a reaction like that. The last time she remembered reacting that way had been three years ago. Curious as to what question Martin wanted to ask, she said, “Yeah.”

“Why did your mom stay for so long? I’m not trying to be mean or anything, just curious.”

“He threatened to get custody of Em and I and mom believed him. Then when we hit the age when we were old enough to make our own choice in court he threatened to hurt us. And on top of that he piled crap into her head, like she wouldn’t be able to take care of us on her own.”

He rubbed her back some more. “I’m sorry.”

“Eh, at some point you just learn to live with it. What happened in the past is just water under the bridge. Can’t change it so there isn’t any point in dwelling on it. Just have to move on and live life going forward.”

It was quiet for a few minutes. Neither of them was sure what to say. The silence was broken when Martin’s stomach growled. Tara couldn’t help but laugh which made Martin chuckle. “Nothing like a growling stomach to break a silence,” She said.

Martin chuckled. “Tell me about it. How about I grill up some burgers?”

“That’d be great. I’ll cut up the vegetables and stuff in here.”

“Sounds like a good plan to me.”