Hidden Butterflies

The outdoor lunch area was completely empty, like a vast desert. Not a soul in sight, which was exactly what I wanted. Because it was drizzling, I strode toward a table that was placed under a tree and sat down. I placed my head on my knees and began to take slow, deep breaths. How could I not notice how horrible I am? I'm keeping the biggest secret of my life from my own best friend. Brooke deserves to know. We tell each other everything, absolutely everything.

Sarah should know, too. I'm not as close to her as I am to Brooke, but she should know, too. I'm a horrible friend. A horrible daughter. A horrible girlfriend. A horrible student. A horrible person. This was why I hurt myself. To stop the mental pain and bring the physical pain. Hell, physical scars are better than mental ones. Physical scars can fade away, but mental scars are forever.

I looked at my hands. They were shaking. I dropped the plastic knife. It splatter tiny droplets of water onto my shoes, but I didn't care. I put my fingertips to my temples, trying to silence all the voices in my head. I tried to think of something else, but my thoughts all came back to the knife on the wet pavement. All summer I was clean. But all good things must end sometime. I stared at the knife, thinking about what to do next. I was still shaking, and mere moments away from tears, when I heard footsteps getting close to me. Looking up, I saw Adam.

"Tessa, what the hell are you doing out here?" He asked as he grew closer to me.

"I could ask you the same thing." I said, still staring at the knife.

"Your friend Brooke told me to come talk to you." His eyes followed mine, and the found the plastic knife. He kicked it away immediately. "Show me your wrists." He demanded.

I looked up at him. "What?"

"It wasn't a question. Show me your wrists, now." He sat down next to me. "Please, Tessa." His voice grew calmer. I showed him my wrists. Those scars had all disappeared. My deepest cuts were on my rib cage and hips.

"I don't understand the point of this." I lied as I showed him my writs.

"Now take off your shirt." He instructed.

"Excuse me!" I screamed.

"I know some people cut on their stomach." He said with an emotionless face.

"I don't cut."

"That's a load of crap."

Angrily, I stood up. "You don't know me, at all."

"I'm just trying to help."

"Well don't. I'm fine and I don't need your help. I tried to walk away, but he stepped in front of me.

"Tess, I know people like you." Adam said.

"That's impossible considering that you don't know a single thing about me. And don't call me Tess, only my friends can call me Tess."

"And I;m not your friend?" He asked with a hint of playfulness in his tone.

"No. You're a pain in my ass."

"Do you want my help or not?"

"I don't want help. Mainly because I don't need it. Now, please, let me leave." I tried to walk off again, but he cut me off.

"Look, I agree with you when you say that I don't know you. But I want to help and-"

I cut him off. "Why do you even care anyway? I just met you this morning and, for the thousand time, don't know anything about me."

"I know I don't! But I know people who used to cut themselves back in St.Paul, and I didn't try to help them. Three of them tried to kill themselves. One of them actually succeeded." His voice cracked at the word 'succeeded'. He looked away, but I noticed tiny tears fill the rims of eyes.

"Were they friends of yours? Especially the one who-" I stopped, not knowing what word to say.

"The one who actually did it, killed himself, was my best friend."

I sat back down at the table under the tree, and instructed Adam to do the same. When he did, I began slowly patting hi back, as if to say 'everything is gonna be okay'. "I'm so sorry." I whispered.

Wiping away a small tear, Adam stood up. "It's fine." He said. "It was a little over six months ago. I still miss him like hell."

"Do you know why he did it?" I asked. Last year, I researched the most common reasons to commit suicide, just to see if what I was going through was reason enough. The most popular reason, was bulling. Then, home abuse. A couple others I remember were large amounts of stress or pressure, and even a severe breakup. Another was veterans who couldn't out live their war memories.

"His parents were really hard on him. They excepted him to grow up and be an extremely successful lawyer and to graduate Harvard at the top of his class. They made him take A.P and Honors classes. The stress and pressure from his entire family was too much for him. He said in his suicide note that he lost all true happiness in life, and he had no reason to live if all he was gonna do his life was make other people happy." Surprisingly, Adam hadn't broken down in tears yet. But his hands were shaking almost as much as mine were.

"I'm so sorry. About everything. And I'm sorry i called you a pain in the ass." I apologized.

"It's fine. I know you didn't mean it." He forced a smile.

"I didn't. I'm just really stubborn sometimes." I forced a smile back to him.

"I can tell." He laughed. "We should probably be heading back inside. Besides, it's starting to rain harder."

"Good idea." I agreed while standing up."But I don't mind the rain. I actually love when it rains."

"So do I." Adam grinned. Though he had been smile each time him and I spoke, I noticed this time he had dimples. We walked toward the door to go back inside. I noticed the plastic knife laying the ground. For a split second, i though about picking it up and carrying it around with me for the rest of the day. I heard Adam cough. Turning toward the door, I saw Adam was holding it open for me.

"Ladies first." He locked eyes with me and flashed a true and genuine smile. Walking past the knife, I reached Adam and stood in front of him.

"Thank you, kind sir." I joked.

"Oh, and Tess?" He said after I walked through the doorway.

"Yeah?" I turned to face him.

"I really like your shirt."

"Thank you." I smiled. "And you can call me Tess."