When Your Heart Stops Beating

Late January I lay in my bed, my sleep was restless. I didn't feel quite right, maybe it was just the excitement of my brother bring home a Wii. I can't wait for mom to come visit, then She could make a Mii and we can play together. She'll kick my butt at it though... she can kick my butt at anything. We were boxing once, I got one hit in and then started running. Let's just say I lost. Enough of my rant of the past, I better get to sleep, or I will regret it later. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, I tried everything, I even started to count sheep, nothing worked. Then I heard a commotion out in the living room, next thing I know there is hurried steps to my brother's room, they stay still for a few moments then recede back in to the living room. My door creaks open, and my brother stuck his head in.

"Tiffany? Wake-up" He whispered. I lifted my head to let him know I was listening.

"What's up?" I asked, confused because we were told to go to sleep.

"Come out to the living room, mom is dying" He said. Panic hit me, is this a joke? He headed to the living room solemn faced. I jumped up and headed to the living room, sitting on our little blue couch. My grandma was sitting in her chair with the phone up to her ear, my brother sat on the love seat, no emotion on his face.

"Hello? Clyde? What's going on? CLYDE!" She says into the phone trying to get him to answer, she takes her phone away from her ear and angrily snaps it shut. "He keeps hanging up on me" She told us, upset. All I could think is 'please, please let her be ok. I want to be holding her hand in a hospital. I want to tell her she scared me. I just want to sit beside her and hold her hand.'

"What's going on?" I asked, worried.

"Your mom is dying" She said dialing her phone again. "Clyde, CLYDE! Did you do CPR? Do it again. Did you call the paramedics? What did they say? Clyde?" She said trying to get through to him. We sat there quietly until grandma got quiet. I glanced at the clock at 1:45 in the morning. I looked at my grandma, her face broke, she snapped her phone shut and started crying. I knew, she was gone.

"No!" I cried out, breaking into tears. My grandma came up and pulled me into a hug. All I wanted was my mom, I wanted my mom to hug me, how could she die like this? How could she? Jake had a few tears in his eyes as he started calling people. I asked my grandma for her phone. I didn't want to go all of the way to my uncle Mark's number so I called his wife, who happened to be the first person on the list. After a few rings she answered and I could barely get words out. "Mommy died" Was all I could say before I burst out into tears and had to hand the phone to my grandma. She went on to explain while I bawled beside her. I finally got myself together and called my brother over in Minnesota. He just had a root canal so he was doped up, I don't think he got it until later. I was numb, I felt nothing. I just wanted to lay down and die. I grabbed the blanket she made me and curled up on the couch. I fell asleep to the crackling fire.

~an hour later~

The door burst open and my brother Mathew came in. It was obvious he was crying, and I suspect he's high. Behind him is his friend Tyler. He has been a family friend for years so it wasn't odd for him to be there, he is like a sixth brother. Matt gave me a brief hug and I was released only to be brought back into a hug from Tyler. Jake, who was sleeping on the love seat got up and talked with him while I went back to the couch, my back towards them and I cried myself back to sleep.

~The next morning~

I woke up to a house full of people. Today I am going to say goodbye to my mother. I went and got dressed, my uncle and grandpa came over from on the mountain, we all piled into cars and headed towards the funeral home. I quietly sat there until someone asked for my opinion. Smiling I nodded at the card they decided to use for her funeral. Funeral, what a horrible thing to think about. He asked us to stand in the hall while he got her body ready to view. I just stood there, there isn't much else to do. Matt and Grandma decided not to go in, they want to remember her the way she was. I stepped in and walked up to her. The tears streaming, all I want to do is touch her. I want to curl up beside her and have her stroke my hair, singing to me. I reached out to her face, but it didn't quite reach, I couldn't touch her. I turned into my uncle's arms. He held me until I stopped crying. Gently tugging me towards the door I was the last person out, the last person to look back. I was always last, the last child, the last to eat and the last to say goodbye. Tears blinding me I made my way up to the desk.

"You are going to cremate her correct?" The man asked.

"Yes" My grandma responded.

"The blankets, you want them cremated with her?" He asked.

"Yes" She responded.

"Her wedding ring? do you want it in the box?" He asked.

"Uh" She said looking at me. I was the one to give my mom her wedding ring, I found it in the mud on my way home from school. It was perfect and the only ring she ever wore. I couldn't let it go.

"No, I want it" I told him.

"Ok, come back tomorrow and I will have it ready for you" He told me having Clyde and grandma sign some papers and we were ready to go.

"Thank you" I smiled. I walked out of the building, feeling absolutely nothing. What was the point anymore? Why should I live when she didn't. The paramedics told us that she had two heart attacks. There was no hope even if they were there when she had them. All I have left of my mother is a vial of ashes, a blanket, a wedding ring and memories. She will never see me graduate, never see me get married, she won't meet my children or talk me through the fights I will have with them. It is going to be a struggle, but the struggle will be what makes me rise. It will make me find myself, I will fight my way through the pain and grief to become the person I know I am meant to be. I struggle through every day even after three years, but I know she's there with me no matter what I do, either shaking her head or smiling proudly. I live my life to keep her proud, to teach people the dangers of drugs, and I use our stories everyday to try and change someone's life. If I leave one person changed and on a better path, I know she hasn't died in vein.