Hate Me, Love

I was alone once again, the peace and quiet filling the room while I was left with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. Her name kept coming back to me, it's meaning only reminding me of the tears that had fallen from her eyes and ran down her cheeks only a few minutes ago, it was wrong.

I hadn’t meant to be rude and hurtful towards her but those six little words she’d spoken had stung like a bee. It was my fault if it had hurt me though, why did I expect every new place to be a new beginning? I was always lying to myself thinking that someone new would come along and rescue me from it all.

Nothing would ever change though, they would keep me here until they decided to take me back. And then it would only be a matter of days until it all came crashing down, until a faked heaven became a very well known hell. That’s why I didn’t want to get attached, that’s why I had told her to leave.

I knew I needed her but I also knew that it was smarter not to let her see who I really was, the needy monster that loneliness had turned me into. If I gave her the chance to get inside, I’d end up hurt, she’d end up hurt and it would all be a mess. It had happened once before and I wasn’t stupid enough to let history repeat it self, no matter how much I wanted her to see me, it wasn’t going to happen.

There was only one problem, that night while I laid in bed, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get her out of my head. Her black hair, sparkling blue eyes, the small scar that ran over her eye brow, everything I didn‘t like. Any stranger would be able to point out her imperfections but to me it was what made her so perfect.

It didn’t matter how hard I tried to detest her, there was no way of telling my heart that being attracted to her was wrong. Specially when it replied screaming back that it wasn’t its fault if it was in love. And there was nothing I could say, because wasn’t that why she was named Amanda?