Caught Off Gaurd

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“This had better not be positive or so help me god.” I mumbled to myself as I stared down at the pregnancy test. I’d missed a couple of pills in my birth control and was afraid that three days into my blue pills when I should have my period, it hasn’t started. So, of course, I thought the worse.

“Hey, do you know where Val is?” That was the last voice I wanted to hear at the moment. I started at the strip as the line showed negative. Oh thank you, Jesus.

“She was in her room earlier…” I heard my roommate Sid answer. Sometimes I hated how easily he gave out information. Right now I wasn’t pregnant. I was just having another weird period like I always did. I could have done a backflip, I was so excited. I wrapped up the pregnancy test and put it in the trash, flushing the toilet for effect and left the bathroom.

“Well, look who I found.” That silly little smirk was on his face again.

“It is my house…” I teased, my good mood obvious, “What brings you over at this hour?” He said he wasn’t going to come over until later.

“I was lonely.” He leaned in and kissed my neck while backing me up into the wall of the hallway. “And I wanted to be with you.”

“Be with me, or be in me?” I asked as a joke for clarification.

“A little of both” He whispered before biting my ear lobe. Sadly, with my fear of pregnancy or starting my fucking period, I wasn’t in the mood for what he was in the mood for. We’d had this arrangement for a while now, it wasn’t so much of a booty-call as it was a friends with benefits kind of thing. Because we were friends, I’d met him through his brother and we were really cool. It was nice to have someone that I could not only play Fifa with but also fuck. And I was never really good at relationships. And since he was always on the road he found it hard to hold a girlfriend. So it wasn’t cheating if we weren’t together and we were just friends anyway.

It was a win-win situation with us. Man-whore Whiskeyhands over there and Slightly Slutty Val couldn’t complain. But I really did enjoy kissing this man. He was being very pushy and anxious today so I didn’t have a very good window of opportunity to tell him to stop pushing me into my room because I didn’t want to fuck. That was until he stopped the both of us for a second. I was sure it was because he was going to take his shirt off, but he didn’t even get that far before he jumped away from me.

At first I was offended until I saw what he was looking at with his mouth wide open.

“Please tell me that is not what I think it is…” He pointed at the box the pregnancy test came in. A part of me really wanted to fuck with him, mostly for revenge for all the pranks him and Tony pulled on me when I was on tour with them. I’ve been their merch girl since the end of Warped Tour a couple years ago. Their last one got a better gig and they called me in as a friendly favor and I’ve been around ever since. “Val…” He looked at me, then looked at my stomach and then back up at me. He looked truly afraid, I had to fuck with him. It wasn’t like I was actually pregnant anyway.

“I was hoping I could tell you in a different way…” Finally, that drama class I took in high school had a purpose. His face nearly slid off of his skull. He sat down on my bed with his head in his hands. It was at that moment that I kind of started to feel bad. But really, I never told him I was pregnant, it was just a pregnancy scare, and the crisis was averted.

“Well… do you want to keep it?” He looked absolutely terrified. Good, because when he had Tony chase me while wearing a clown mask, I was sobbing. I hate clowns. This was the part where I’d have to lie.

“Well, I like kids, you know that…” His entire body tensed and he looked like he was about to cry. I could literally see the tears in his eyes; this was not something he was ready for and it was definitely something I was ready for either. I really do love kids but it’s good to know that if I got knocked up during this whole ordeal, he’d be okay that I would more than likely get an abortion. But at that moment I actually felt fucking horrible. “Oh my fucking god, Mike. It’s okay, I’m not pregnant.” And I saw how in the literal blink of an eye Mike Fuentes went from sad and scared to angry as fuck. “I’m kidding.”

“Valarie, what the fuck?!” He stood up and I was afraid he was going to fucking strangle me or something. I tried not to laugh because honestly, the reaction was funny. “You scared the ever living fuck out of me. I was thinking of how I was going to tell my parents, tell Vic and the guys.” He started just making noises at that point while walking around in circles in my room. I just sat on my bed and watched as he fumed and eventually he sat his ass on the floor and started to laugh. It was the obvious kind of stressed out laugh.

It took about an hour of just me laughing as he lost his damn mind for the both of us to be calm again. Even then, I still snickered at him.

“It’s not funny, V.” He grumbled from where he sat, across from me on the floor.

“Come on, it was a little funny.” I poked his knee. It was like we both agreed that maybe sex wasn’t the best option today, which was cool for me. I didn’t need a little Fuentes-Sparrow bastard child running around any time soon.

“We should do it to the guys.” Mike smirked. They all knew about us, they found out on tour once when he snuck over to the merch booth to give me head. It was quite risqué and very fun. So we sat there, devising a plan.

&

I pushed open Vic’s door. Honestly, I should have been given a key to all the guy’s places because I’m over there all the damn time. It’s not like they don’t know where Sid and Jared hide our spare key.

“Honey, I’m home!” And before I knew it I was scooped up into the arms of a very lovely Jaime. We went into the kitchen and I saw Mike, he winked at me but no one noticed. The plan was in action and I put on my academy award winning performance.

“Uh, Mikey… I need to talk to you for a second.” I was very good at looking scared. That and with the whole thing, my nerves were off the charts.

“Oh come on! You come in my house for one second and you’re about to fuck my brother?” Vic joked. But I looked at him with the most serious face I had.

“Uh… No, it’s kind of serious.” Mike looked concerned and Tony and Jamie seemed to sense the ever growing tension that Mike and I were faking. I grabbed his hand and walked him into the living room, I knew the guys were listening and that was what we were hoping for.

“What is it?” He knew just as well as I did that we were being a couple of assholes. But it was going to be so funny.

“Mike, I’m pregnant.” Before I could get the last thing out he jumped back.

“WHAT THE FUCK?” He shouted, we agreed that he’d play the angry guy. “I thought you said you were on the pill, Valarie?”

“I was, but I missed a couple days and sometimes it doesn’t always work.” I actually sounded damn convincing. “Calm down, we need to talk about this.”

“I’m not calming the fuck down until we get that demon seed out of you.” I tried so hard not to laugh. He grabbed my arm like we’d talked about and tried to drag me to the door. But all the guys knew I wasn’t weak by any means, and I pulled my arm back.

“No, I want to keep it.” I said softly, at this point the guys were full-fledged watching the scene play out. They weren’t even hiding, just staring at us slack jawed the way Mike was yesterday.

“You what?” Mike was still shouting. “No, that thing is half mine and I don’t fucking want it.”

“Mike, calm down!” Vic was always so level headed when he wanted to be. He grabbed his brother and pulled him back away from me. “You need to calm down and think, bro.”

“Don’t tell me to calm the fuck down.” Mike seemed so fucking furious but I knew he wanted to laugh just as badly as I did. “That bitch fucked up and now I’m going to be a fucking father.” We’d rehearsed this next part because he was legitimately afraid that he was going to hurt me. But the amount of times I’d wrestled Jaime on the bus, I was pretty sure I could handle scrawny little drummer boy. He pushed past his brother and he “punched” me in the stomach. It was one of those Hollywood stage punches where no one actually gets hurt, it just sounds like it. But when I fell to the ground clutching my stomach, shit got so fucking real. Tony and Vic pulled Mike away from me and Jaime was right next to me on the ground. I was pretending to be winded.

It got loud as all the guys were shouting at Mike and Jaime was trying to see if I was okay. It was a violent kind of Spanglish that echoed through the room. Eventually it got quiet, I was still on my knees on the ground leaning on Jamie’s chest. Tony and Vic let go of Mike who was still playing off the furious role. That was until he cracked.

He started to laugh and so did I. It was too funny to see their reactions. When our laughter calmed I stood up leaving Jaime on the floor and went over to hug Mike for a scene well played. Everyone was caught off guard.

“You’re not pregnant are you?” Tony asked, in all seriousness. I shook my head “no” and they all just glared at us.

“That shit isn’t funny, guys.” Jaime mumbled while standing up.

“You have to admit, it was a little funny.” Mike smiled in the most innocent way he could.

“I hate both of you.” Vic mumbled before walking into the kitchen.

“Oh come on, it was a joke!” I shouted after him, before following him into the kitchen.

“I thought I was going to be an uncle, I nearly killed my own brother because I thought he legit punched you.” Okay, I can see why he was upset. So I hugged him too.

“It is okay, no one is hurt, Vic.” He hugged me back. He then squeezed me really tight around the middle and I coughed at the sudden restriction. He let go and stepped back.

“Just to be sure” He smiled wickedly, obviously having cooled off a bit. I slapped his arm.

“You dick.”