Where Do We Go From Here?

It’s cold and I’m standing in the corner alone. I don’t know why I ever decided to come to this stupid party. I don’t know anyone here. Maybe this was all a mistake.

My boyfriend was supposed to be here but he couldn’t leave school. Of course he called with some stupid excuse, some project that came up suddenly or something. I stopped listening after a while. We’ve been together three years now, three long years. When he said he was going away to college out of state I tried my best to be happy for him. He got a scholarship and everything. Besides, one of us had to succeed in this world because I clearly wasn’t. Trying to be a musician isn’t exactly working out for me. I still haven’t found a band that wants me. I’m really starting to doubt myself.

It’s getting later now and the sky is dark. I check my phone…10 PM. I zip my black hooded sweater up. It says Halloween across the chest in red lettering. Halloween is in two days. When I got invited to the party by my cousin I couldn’t refuse. Now I can’t even see my cousin anymore. She must have wondered off with her own boyfriend leaving me here by myself as usual.

My cousin’s friends who are hosting the Halloween party yell something and everyone starts to follow them. I lose track of them quickly in the dark. Who’s idea was it to have a Halloween party in a field anyway? I bury my hands in my pockets. They feel like icicles. My whole body is feeling chilly and I’m starting to shiver now. Even my toes inside my sneakers are getting cold. I wonder how some people aren’t cold when they are only wearing thin tee shirts. I guess the only way I can warm up is move around. Also, I really better find everyone else or I’ll be lost.

I walk over to a boy standing alone. “Hi,” I say nervously. “I’m new here. My cousin dragged me along. Do you know where everyone went?”

“I’m new too. My friend Spencer forced me to come here,” he says. He’s wearing a black and gray striped long sleeve shirt and jeans that hug his body nicely. His short dark hair falls across his forehead in shaggy bangs and he has a pair of red glasses on.

“My name’s Ryan,” I introduce myself.

“I’m Brendan,” he smiles at me.

“Are you from around here?” I ask.

“I live on Oak Street,” Brendan answers.

“That’s only five minutes from me!” I reply excitedly.

We walk slowly together in the direction we saw the other people go. It turns out I have a lot in common with Brendan.

“I like your sweater,” he comments.

“Thank you,” I smile.

“So you came here by yourself?” he asks.

I blush, embarrassed to admit it. “Yeah.”

“That’s very brave of you,” he tells me.

I am caught off guard by that but smile. “Thank you.”

We manage to find the other people. Everyone is heading to the haunted cornfield now. There’s a maze that people can go through and get scared by actors dressed in masks popping out in the dark at them. It’s a popular attraction around here at this time of the year. We get in line behind the others.

“Do you see all the couples here?” he asks. “That’s cool. I’m not single and lonely or anything,” he jokes.

“I sort of have someone but they go to college in another state.”

“Wow, tell me more,” he seems amused.

“Well, I don’t want you to freak out or anything.”

I just met this guy. He’s so nice. I’m afraid if I tell him I technically have a boyfriend, I’ll freak him out. I never know how people will react. Not everyone is cool with the gay thing.

“I won’t freak out. I promise.”

I’m still not totally reassured. “You don’t know them.”

“Maybe I do,” he insists.

“They went to East High School.”

“I went there,” he nods.

It dawns on me then that maybe he really does know who I’m talking about.

“They were in a band. They played at prom.”

“I know who that is! You’re talking Pete Wentz!”

“Yeah,” I say.

“That’s cool,” he shrugs. “You don’t have to be afraid I’d think it was weird or anything. If you’re wondering, I don’t like girls either.”

“Wow…well, I guess we have even more things in common than I thought.”

“Have you ever gone through the corn maze?” he asks me as we get closer to the entrance gates.

“No, I’m really nervous,” I confess.

“Me too.”

It’s even darker in the corn maze. The ground is uneven and scattered with rocks so I keep tripping. People in masks jump out and shout at me around every turn, making me gasp. In attempt to not get lost I keep grabbing Brendon’s shirt.

“Take my hand,” he offers.

I take his hand in mine and we make it through together, somewhat unscathed.

“That was pretty fun,” he tells me as we stand by the exit.

“Yeah,” I agree. “It wasn’t as bad as I thought. I’m glad I met you to go through it with. It would have been worse if I had to go alone.”

“I’m glad we found each other too,” he grins.

“Do you have a cell phone?” I ask. It’s a stupid question but I’m nervous. Everyone has a cell phone. What if he thinks I’m a freak for asking for his phone number when we’ve only known each other a couple hours?

“Yeah,” he takes his Iphone out of his pocket to show me.

“Do you want my number? That way we can stay in contact in case there’s another party or something.”

I am making up strange excuses. I sound stupid. I just really don’t want to say goodbye yet to this person. We have so many things in common, he knows my boyfriend, and he’s so friendly. We’ve bonded in just these couple hours. But maybe I’m just really clingy. I’m not so good at saying goodbye.

“Sure, that would be great,” he nods.

We exchange phone numbers quickly. We stand there talking a little longer.

“It’s cold,” I huddle closer to him for warmth. “I should have brought a jacket.”

“I’ll keep you warm,” he says, wrapping his arms around me. He grins again and then leans in to kiss me. I am stunned for a moment so I just stand there not moving. Finally I react. I have a split second to think I’m making a mistake then I kiss back. “What about your boyfriend?” he asks me.

“Don’t tell him,” I say. “We’ve been having problems.”

“Okay,” he shrugs. “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah.”

I get home and take a hot shower. Thoughts are racing in my head. What am I doing? Do I want to be with Brendon? Do I want to be with Pete? I’ve known Pete for so long and we’re comfortable together. I‘ve always been sure he’s the one but lately I don’t know. I don’t know where our relationship is going. I don’t even know where I’m going anymore.

I dry off and pull on some pajamas. My phone has a text message. It’s Pete. He calls me a few moments later and I wait until the fourth ring to answer.

“How did it go?”

“It was fine,” I tell him.

“Sorry I couldn’t be there.”

“It’s fine,” I lie. Nothing is fine. “I umm…I met your friend Brendon.”

“Oh, was he flirting with you? He’s a major flirt, total dork.”

“No,” I lie again. When did I become a liar? What is wrong with me? I know the answer.

“Okay, I love you.”

I do love him still, don’t I? I’m not in love with him though. The stress in our relationship has reached a breaking point yet I’m too afraid to say goodbye.

“I love you too,” I tell him. “Goodnight.”

I think I’m a terrible person.