Lost in Paradise

It seemed like thousands of years had passed since Frank's death occured. Or rather, his suicide. Part of me had let go while the other part of me just couldn't. However, I decided to focus on the part that had let go. It was easier on me and everyone around me. I had met a lovely lady named Lindsey Way. I had always thought I was a homosexual, but I guess I had only felt that with Frank. What I felt for Lindsey though was different. At least, I liked to tell myself that.

Lindsey knew my secret. She was the only one besides my mother that knew. Of course, I didn't have to deal with my mother anymore, as I had graduated high school and was now living on the opposite side of New Jersey. I had a well paying job and was also going to college. Lindsey had graduated and was in a rising band called Mindless Self Indulgence. I was in charge of the band's art, but she helped, too. We were both artists after all.

Being with Lindsey helped get my mind off everything that had happened with Frank. She didn't remind me of him at all. You know, besides the obvious fact that she had breasts and a vagina and Frank had a penis. That's beside the point, though. The fact is, I loved her. I loved her so much that we made love, over and over again. Yeah, I made love with a woman. This was something I never thought I'd do. I never thought I would even date someone, but Lindsey was the one. And I was actually glad.

The only thing I didn't like was the fact that she was pregnant. I didn't want it to happen, I didn't ask her to get pregnant, but she did. I felt so guilty that I was passing on my curse to an innocent child. My innocent child. Lindsey didn't seem to mind as much, but she still asked if I would rather her get an abortion. That made me think, and I mean really think. I asked her what she had thought, but she wouldn't give me an answer. It was all my decision.

In all honesty, I thought about it. I would never want my child to live with such a curse, but then again, I couldn't make myself tell Lindsey to kill our child. The child we made. I would feel so terrible and guilty, and I already felt that way because of Frank. I couldn't have another death on my hands. I wouldn't be able to take it.

In the end I told Lindsey no. I said I couldn't do it and she seemed happy. That's when I knew that I had made the right decision. I knew right then that she wouldn't have wanted to kill it, but she would've been willing to for me. That was why I loved her so much. She would be willing to do anything for me. And I'd do anything for her.

I didn't know why I felt so strongly for Lindsey but still couldn't get the thoughts of Frank from my mind. I knew I had to move on, but I just didn't know how. I never got the help I needed when I found out about Frank's death. Maybe that was why I was having such a hard time.

When Lindsey and I first met in college I told her that my best friend had killed himself and she tried to help as much as she could, but no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't. I tried not to show it, though, because I had felt something for her. I didn't know what at the time, but I knew I couldn't let that go.

And I know that I still can't.

At times, I would stay up late at night and wonder what Frank would say if he knew about Lindsey and I. I wondered if he was actually watching my every move. I wondered if he hated me. I would hate me, to be honest. I really would.