It's Easier Than It Seems

“Well, where are you planning on living then?” My mother asked, stirring a bowl of cake mixture. “I mean, does that make you homeless?”

I popped my finger into the bowl whilst she took her eyes off of it for a second, and licked my finger clean of the mixture. “If I don’t find a place by the end of the month then… I guess,” I frowned. “I hadn’t really thought of that.”

“You shouldn’t have just quit like that,” She said sternly, pointing a wooden spoon at me.

I rolled my eyes at her. “You don’t know the whole story, besides, I thought I’d tell Billie I was pregnant, and we’d get back together, and you know.”

“You’d sponge?”

“Mother!” I shouted back at her, playfully slapping her arm. “I would not sponge! I’d just live with him!”

I heard the front door open and close softly and walked into the living room to see Billie carrying in some shopping bags from his trip to the store for some essentials. “Thanks,” I smiled, going to help out with the bag carrying before he shook his head.

“No, no, I got them,” He said, determined. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started putting everything away.

He’d still been acting strangely, whether or not he knew something was definitely up with him.

“Billie, did you know Jenni still doesn’t have a house in California?” My mother said to Billie out of the blue. I couldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her.

“Mom! I’m fine, for God’s sake! I have till the end of the month!” I said, trying to sound convincing rather than panicky.

“Why the end of the month?” Billie turned around to ask me.

“That’s when I have to move out of my apartment in New York,” I replied quietly, fiddling with my hands. “But I’ll find a place soon, I’ve just been… distracted.”

“Well you could always stay with me if you’d like,” He said, putting away the last item from his shopping into the fridge.

I sighed and shuffled on my feet. “Haven’t we had this conversation? I said I’d be fine in my own place, I don’t need to be babied.”

Perhaps it was the wrong choice in words, but Billie certainly did shoot me a look. “Fine, but I was just trying to fucking help.”

I bit my lip, feeling incredibly guilty for acting so childish around him. “I know, I’m sorry, I wouldn’t mind a room if you have one to spare,” I smiled softly. “Thanks.”

Billie nodded, matching my smile from across the room. The tension eased out and we managed to carry on living a semi-normal life as we helped my mother bake a cake for my dad who was still in hospital. I commended her for not only being so strong, but for also visiting a man that had been an asshole to her, and was now dating a woman he had cheated on her with.

I didn’t know whether my mother was good or stupid, but I knew she was a much better person than myself.

**

Heading back into the hospital only brought back the feelings of unease as we made our way into my father’s room. Placing the cake down on the table at the end of the bed we realized my dad was actually asleep, and we decided not to disturb him so we waited patiently, sat down by him with drinks.

It took a few minutes when it sunk in and we all realized he most likely wasn’t going to wake up, there were double the amount of tubes going into him, his breathing was quiet, his heart rate slower than before.

I could hear a rattle that I had heard from my grandmother whilst she was in a coma—it was the so called ‘death rattle’.

Biting back tears I looked to mother, who seemed content reading her magazine, perhaps a bit oblivious over the situation.

I couldn’t help but feel suddenly so upset that my father would probably never see the cake we worked so hard to make. Something so little set off a nerve and it hit like a ton of bricks.

I looked around the ward for a doctor to talk to, managing to grab the one my dad had been listed under. “Is my father okay?”

“And who is your father?” He asked with a soft voice. He was a tall Asian man, probably in his late 50s. The badge on his jacket read ‘Dr. Kapur’, with a list of abbreviations following it. That had to mean something.

“Peter Walker,” I replied. “He’s in ward 3.”

The doctor walked over to the desk and picked up a clipboard, flicking through some pages and ‘ah-ing’ and ‘uhm-ing’. “We were told to only contact the number he provided, for a Melissa Wells?”

I sighed heavily, that was his girlfriend’s name. “Why? What’s wrong?”

He lowered his glasses down and put the clipboard back onto the desk. “I’m afraid his condition has worsened, there’s nothing we can do apart from to make him as comfortable as we can.”

I felt a stabbing pain in my heart that I had never felt before. My hand flew to my mouth in shock, my eyes flooded rapidly, my throat closed down. “Y…You mean… he’s… he’s not waking up?!”

The doctor looked at me sympathetically and shook his head slowly. “I’m sorry.”

I crumbled down in front of him and burst into tears. This is the man I said I had hated, that I flown across the world to get away from, and now I was sad he was never coming back, and I’d never see his stupid face again.

I walked slowly back to the ward in a daze, how would I tell my mother? She was still reading the magazine and in that moment everything was okay in her world, but turning to look at my dad, his face gaunt compared to how big a man he used to be, his skin pale like a porcelain doll. His breathing was shallower than before; he didn’t have long left at all.

I sat myself down on the other side of the bed opposite my mother and just watched her, how would I break this news to her?

“Mom,” I said quietly, almost too quietly. “Mom,” I tried again a little louder, this time catching her ear.

She looked up to me from her magazine and just replied with a simple, “hm?”

I sighed heavily and took my father’s hand, looking from him and back to my mother. “The doctor said… he’s not going to wake up this time,” I mumbled out, wanting to drown in my own words. “And I,” I continued quietly, tearing up inside. “I’m sorry,” I blurted out, sobbing into my hand. “He probably… probably won’t make the night.”

I suddenly felt Billie’s arm around me as I looked through my hand to my mother to see her face fall. I felt awful, how did doctors do this on a day to day basis?

I leant into Billie, sobbing into his chest but I knew I had to console my mother first so I stood up and made my way over to her where we embraced.

“It’s not your fault, Jen,” She whispered softly in my ear, kissing into my hair. “It’ll be okay,” She said with a glimmer of hope in her eye. “Just think about the future, hm?”

I knew what she was talking about but it still burnt to think the baby would never meet either of their grandfather’s. I sighed, glancing to Billie who sat there solemnly looking at my father. “I’m gonna get a drink if anyone wants one?” I asked the two, both declined so I left the dimly lit ward and started walking down the hallway, before I knew it I was in the toilet throwing up again. Though this time possibly just out of fear more than anything else.

I shakily stood back up from clutching the toilet and flushed it, walking out the cubicle I stared at my tear stained face in the mirror. I was a mess. I had been so cooped up by the fear of judgment that I had completely forgotten to live in the present.

I walked back out the toilets and grabbed a water, hearing people rush by me and manic beeps I panicked and followed them only to find out they were heading towards my father, so I fastened my pace.

By the time I got there I watched as the doctor I spoke to earlier trying to resuscitate my father, as Billie pushed me slowly out the room and wrapped his arms around me to stop me from seeing it. I dropped my plastic cup filled with water cooler water onto the floor as I buried my face in Billie’s chest and sobbed loudly.

The noises slowly drowned out to silence as the nurses and doctors slowly left the room and walked past me, I peeled myself away from Billie and looked to my mother standing over my father’s bed. She gave him a kiss on the forehead and whispered something in his ear before closing his eyes.

I didn’t understand why she stayed with him for so long, but there was something beautifully tragic about their relationship, and something so sad about that moment.

I rushed to her side and wrapped my arms around her, not really wanting to look at my dead father’s body but wanting to be there for my mom. I looked slowly to him, lifeless, still warm.

He still looked alive; like he was peacefully sleeping.

I had only seen death once and that was my cat. I watched as he died and I held his paw all the way through it, at the end he looked at peace, like he was asleep, finally resting. But the next morning I had saw his rigor mortis body and it changed all of my memories of him. He went from looking peaceful to looking like a stuffed animal and it was horrid.

Death was inevitable, but death was horrid.

I smiled softly, shaking my head slowly. “You were always the one for bad timings, why’d you leave now? Huh?” I asked, leaning down slowly and kissing his forehead like my mother had done. “I’ll miss you, despite everything… I’m sorry,” I apologizing, sniffing as I stood back up straight and looked to my mom. “I can’t stay in here…”

“It’s alright, I’ll sort everything out,” She smiled, kissing me and rubbing my arm. “Go back to mine,” She handed me her set of keys and gave me a light nudge. “I’ll be okay, I promise, I don’t want you to worry too much.”

“Well that’s asking the impossible,” I said light hearted, looking between my mother and my dead father, the reality sinking in yet again. I looked to my feet and shuffled out to join Billie outside who took my hand.

“You okay?” He asked, lifting my chin up with his index finger.

I blinked away the tears and smiled softly. “I will be.”

**

The ride home was silent, but my mind was plagued with worry, anxiety and depression. I felt like there was a large hole forming in my mind and everything was slowly falling into it.

I unlocked my mother’s front door and stumbled inside, searching for a light switch. I was hungry, but I was too drained to cook. Luckily Billie seemingly wanted to help as much as he could and cooked up something light for us both to eat, leaving some over for when my mother returned from the hospital.

After dinner I sat on the sofa bed in the living room in complete and utter silence. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back, trying to think away all my troubles and drone out all the madness.

I felt the space tilt down next to me and a body press against mine. I flicked one eye open to see Billie now cuddled up against me. He smiled lightly, running a hand through my hair. I leant into his hand, feeling worries drain away as I looked at his smile.

“Thank you,” I said quietly.

“For what?” Billie asked, not taking his gaze away from me.

I leant forward, snuggling into him more. “For being here, for supporting me, for everything you’ve ever done for me.”

Billie smiled warmly, kissing my forehead. “No problem, I’m always here for you.”

My eyes stung as they watered, how could he be so nice? “I still love you,” I blurted out, watching his face for a reaction.

The only reaction I got was the one I least expected as his lip’s meant mine in a kiss. My eyes widened, unsure what was happening but I went along with it anyway.

It took a while to realize what we were doing on my mother’s sofa bed as the kiss deepened. “We can’t do this here, what if my mother comes home?” I said, pulling away from the embrace.

We didn’t have a spare room, we couldn’t go to my mother’s bed, so we were out of options.

“She has a lot to sort out,” He replied, kissing me softly again, urging me to continue on.

As reluctant as I was to continue, I needed it. Not just Billie but the love that came with it. I felt empty and I needed something to fill the void, and whilst we hadn’t worked out what we were yet in our relationship, it was a start.

But deep down I was worried that I was using him, and he was probably using me, too, and we wouldn’t be able to wake up in the morning and carry on like normal.

This changed everything.