It's Easier Than It Seems

“Do you need my help with anything?” I asked my mother, who was preparing flower arrangements for the wake.

It had been four days since my father passed, four very quiet days. Billie and I hadn’t really talked about what happened between us; presuming we were both adults that liked each other… it was probably a normal thing that we hadn’t spoke about it; at least I had hoped so.

She smiled and shook her head in reply. “No, I’m fine, don’t worry,” She replied, walking off with a prepared vase into the next room.

I glanced over to Billie, fiddling with his tie, scrunching his face up with annoyance as he failed to get it right for the third time.

I giggled softly to myself and walked up to him. “Come here,” I said, adjusting his crooked tie. “Why can’t men make knots?”

Billie pretended to look hurt, laughing lightly. “Your mother is strong, isn’t she?” He noted, changing the conversation completely.

“Yeah,” I agreed, patting the tie I had just finished perfectly. “But that’s her thing; she acts ignorant to the situation at hand like nothing bad is happening.”

Billie looked down at me and frowned, perhaps not expecting to hear that from me.

“Meanwhile,” I continued. “Everything else is falling down around her and I’m just left to cope and pick up the pieces because apparently I’m the only one living in this reality.”

He stared mouth agape, unable to think of a reply as I rambled on.

“I mean is it so damn hard to accept when something bad has happened so you can just move on and help other people move on?! Why must she insist on pretending like everything is fine when NOTHING is FINE?” I burst out yelling, scaring Billie to death.

“Uh,” He mumbled. “I’m sure it’s… just her way of grieving?”

“Yeah and it’s annoying, because I feel like I’m not allowed to grieve, I just have to pretend like I’m living in this pe-”

“You’re rambling again,” Billie cut in to stop me from rambling further, laughing lightly to himself like he thought the whole situation was a joke.

I huffed, and folded my arms. “I guess I’m just nervous, and afraid, and angry, and-“

“Grieving?” He cut in again, I nodded in reply. “It’s normal,” He continued, wrapping his arms around me. “It’s okay to be angry and to feel like the whole world is against you, trust me, that’s how I felt.”

“It is?” I asked him, looking up into his eyes.

Billie smiled softly. “Yeah, it is.”

“Yeah well, your situation was a bit different to mine,” I stated, pulling out of the hug, causing Billie to frown.

“What do you mean?” He asked, his tone slightly annoyed.

I sighed, feeling like I may have struck a nerve. “You loved your dad, he loved you, and my situation was different. I hated him, I ran across the fricking world to get away from him.”

“He was still your dad,” Billie tried to convince me.

I just shrugged in reply. “Then why wasn’t he one for me?”

“I can’t answer that,” He said, sitting down on the chair to put his black dress shoes on.

I bit my lip and looked away from Billie. “Yeah, well, neither can he,” I replied quietly, walking out the room to get changed before my mother told me off like I was five years old.

When I walked out of the toilet in my funeral gear, my mother and Billie had been joined by my aunt who was joining us in the limousine following the hearse.

I faked a smile as she saw me, walking quickly towards me with her arms spread open. “Oh Jennifer, how are you doing? You look well! How are you holding up?”

My eyes widened, as my brain was bombarded with a million questions. “Okay, thanks, fine?”

“Congratulations by the way!” She giggled as my mouth dropped open. I looked to my mother, face of thunder as she was completely oblivious to the situation.

“On the new job?” I asked my aunt, giving her a look in which I hope she read my mind telling her to zip it. “Yeah I quit that, but thanks either way.”

My aunt looked puzzled, as I patted her arm and walked over towards Billie who just smiled at me. “Is that what’s to come?” He asked.

“Oh it gets worse.”

**

We waited a good half hour before the hearse finally arrived, as the four of us piled into the limousine following it. The mood changed from light hearted to a cold empty sort of feeling, like all of the happiness had been drained away. It became very somber in the limo, as we watched the hearse in front of us drive slow… as we all realised it carried my father’s dead body inside.

I felt the colour drain away from myself as I realised what was happening, almost like I had been in a lucid dream and I had finally awoke into reality. I was here, this was really happening, he was really dead. It hit me harder than anything I’ve felt as tears stung my eyes.

I gripped into Billie’s hand, not looking at either him or my mother as I tried to control my tears, biting back hard on my tongue to stop them from surfacing.

Before I knew it we were there, and I almost wasn’t ready to step out the limousine and face the truth. Everyone’s sympathetic smiles were burning holes into my skull, I couldn’t take another ‘I’m so sorry to hear’ or ‘are you okay’? No, I wasn’t okay, but I wasn’t going to tell them that.

“I’m pretty sure half of these are here for the open bar,” I mumbled, earning a slap on the arm from my mother. “Worth it,” I smiled softly to myself.

The funeral went ahead as planned, his elder brother’s carried his coffin down the aisle of the church, whilst we walked solemnly behind and took our seats. Having to sing prayers and hear about God made me feel a bit strange; my father wasn’t exactly the religious type, but my mother was. I had remained somewhat in between, an agnostic.

After the funeral we all made our way to the wake, taking place at the same working men’s club that my grandfather’s funeral was held. I saw lots of older men and women, most likely my dad’s friends, but I didn’t even know their faces. Too many faces to take in, too many people approaching me to ask about my life.

The same old answer.

“Yeah, it’s good,” I smiled at one of my dad’s friends who I actually recognized. “I’m just out in California at the moment.”

“Your dad told me you were out in America, yeah, how’s it treating you?” He asked me, sipping from his glass of beer.

I glanced over to Billie who was busy talking to my mother and then back to my dad’s friend. “It’s treating me well, definitely a lot different than Cannock, that’s for sure.”

“I can imagine, I’d love to live over there,” He smiled at me, popping the glass down on the table. “Anyone special in your life?” He asked out the blue, causing my cheeks to flush.

“Well I wouldn’t say he’s special,” I joked, smirking into my drink. “But yeah there is.”

He leaned close towards me, making me feel uneasy. “Hey, congratulations about the you know what,” He whispered into my ear before leaning back into his chair, smiling.

Well at least he was subtle about it

“How do you know?” I asked, confused as to how the news was spreading around.

“Your dad told me before he passed, he was very happy about it… he was so proud of you,” He replied, but all I felt was a sword slicing through my heart.

“…really?” I asked quietly, feeling my throat close up. “He was… proud?” I asked, his friend nodded in reply and I shakily folded my hands together. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, take care Jennifer,” He said, as we parted ways. He went back to the bar and I joined Billie and my mother near the buffet table.

“Mom, can I have a word?” I asked my mother who was scoffing her face full of beetroot salad. She nodded, bringing her paper plate with her. “Everyone fucking knows.”

“I know,” She started, taking a pause to eat a mini sausage roll. “But I’ve told everyone to keep it quiet.”

I rubbed my forehead with my hand and sighed. “Oh that sounds terrific doesn’t it?”

“It’s your situation, Jen, you’re the one that hasn’t told him… not me.”

I frowned at her reply and walked away back to Billie, sitting down with a grumpy face. I leant over and stole some crisps off his plate, causing him to yell hey at me before I laughed. “Shush, I’m hungry.”

“Well get your own damn food!” He protested, pulling his plate closer towards himself like a three year old.

I giggled, finding his actions cuter than they probably were. “Fine,” I sighed, going to stand up before one of my uncles made himself comfortable next to me.

“Thought I’d grab enough to last me before it’s all gone,” He laughed to himself, glancing over to Billie and I. “So I hear a congratulations is in order?”

I scratched the back of my neck and smiled. “Thanks.”

“So wh-“

“I’m feeling so hungry, I’m just gonna go get some food,” I interrupted, standing up and making my way over to the buffet table, hoping that my uncle wouldn’t continue the conversation without me.

“Hey, how’d you meet him then?” I heard a voice say, I turned around to see a teenage girl with bleach blonde hair and heavy eyeliner. She had a large ring piercing in her nose that made me question what look she was trying to go for, though I had started to sound like an old mother and that terrified me.

“Uhm, excuse me?” I said. No one had mentioned it yet, and I was hoping no one didn’t. Then again everyone was either old or oblivious to who Billie was, until now. I nervously glanced over her shoulder, checking up on my uncle, who seemed to be too interested in his plate to talk to Billie.

“Billie Joe, from Green Day, he’s here with you.”

“Ahuh,” I replied, as I grabbed a plate, hoping she’d just leave me alone, but of course, she didn’t, she just watched me pile food onto my plate. “What?” I asked her, turning to face her.

“You didn’t answer my question!” She exclaimed, bugging the crap out of me.

“I did some shoots for Green Day as part of their promotional material last year,” I explained, hoping it was enough so she’d go away.

“So you’re dating? You don’t just bring a friend with you to a funeral and hold their hand,” She smiled, with a dreamy look in her eye.

“What are you, like, five?!” I replied, causing her face to drop suddenly. I sighed, realizing I was acting rather harsh. “Sorry,” I apologized. “It’s been a rough day.”

“No, its okay,” She said, patting my arm awkwardly before looking away. “Sorry about your dad,” She said quietly before walking off to what appeared to be her parents.

I felt like such a jackass.

I had been bombarded by so many people who just wanted to make sure I was okay, that I had started shutting myself off from everyone, I was just so sick of everyone watching out for me. Maybe I was just guilty that I was still hiding my secret from Billie Joe, when everyone else in the room knew.

He deserved to know, not them.

But today had been too much, I couldn’t and wouldn’t handle anymore drama, so I decided to leave it till we were back in the USA.

“Pretty sure you have to pick things up and put them on the plate yourself.”

I jumped a mile, almost dropping my paper plate clumsily. I looked to Billie and frowned, he had disturbed me from yet another day dream.

“You’re gonna get fat,” I told him, watching him pile more snacks than he needed onto the plate. He just shrugged and looked to me.

“Do you care if I get fat?” He asked me.

“Unhealthily fat, then yes,” I replied, taking a crisp off his plate and eating it. “Other than that, no, but why would my opinion matter?”

Billie looked to me, an almost puzzled expression spread across his face, like he was trying to answer a question he had asked himself. “It just would.”

“I think we need to talk,” I stated bluntly, putting my hand on Billie’s arm.

He looked slowly to it and then back to me. “I know… but later.”

“Are we… just friends, Billie? I need to know,” I asked him, trying to remain level headed, but disregarding his ‘later’. “Please don’t say later because I’ve wanted to know for a while, and the past four days have been killing me.”

Billie sighed, a sudden disinterest in food caused him to put his plate down as he looked away from me like a scorned child. “I guess so.”

I frowned, was that all we were? After everything? “I’m not looking for friends with benefits,” I replied honestly.

“I am not having this conversation here!” He growled, scaring me a little as I looked around the room uncomfortably.

“Fine, later,”I said to keep the peace, I had obviously struck a nerve, though.

The rest of the night was awkward, and apart from getting Billie to talk to the girl I had seen earlier, we hadn’t talked much. I stuck to talking to relatives about the good old days, whilst trying to fight the urge to get blissfully drunk.

I had already known that the hole I dug myself was too deep to get out, but now I was realizing the reality of it all.

With the leaving California, the steam explosion, my horrible boss and getting fired, finding out I was pregnant, wanting to return to Oakland, only to find Billie had overdosed, my father dying, not having a proper place to stay let alone work… 2007 was turning out to be a crappy year.

I was still pushing for that silver lining.

“Do you know what I haven’t done?” I asked my mother.

“Got a lobotomy?” It was always her answer to a guess-it-yourself question, and it always irritated me.

“No,” I frowned, pushing her lightly. “I haven’t even talked to any of my friends here.”

“You’ve had bigger things on your mind,” She replied. “You could talk to them tomorrow?”

I shook my head and looked to my phone. “Nah, I think I should close one last door and go back to New York tomorrow.”

“Have you told Billie?” My mother asked, glancing across the room to see him still talking to that girl. “Because I presume he thinks you’re both going back to California this week.”

“He doesn’t want to be with me,” I replied quietly, bowing my head in a mixture of shame and disappointment. “I can understand why.”

“Honey,” She sighed, wrapping her arms around me and joining the pity party. “Don’t talk like that, you know he’s had a rough year, too.”

“Yeah, exactly, and I’m making it even worse!” I sniffed, my mind being clogged up by emotions again.

My mother shushed me, but not to make me feel better; Billie was approaching our table so I played dumb and faked a smile. “Hey,” I greeted him casually. “Do you wanna get out of here?”

“Sure.”

**

We decided on walking back to my mother’s house. It wasn’t far, and it was a warm night with a cool breeze. The air smelt a lot fresher here than it did in the city; perhaps the one thing I missed about living in a rural town other than my family and friends.

Later had turned into now, and I realised Billie and I had to finally talk, no more later, no more putting it off, we needed to talk about our relationship or it was going to tear us even further apart.

“Billie,” I said quietly, not looking up from the path below my feet. “Can we talk now?”

There was a moments silence between us before Billie ‘mhmed’ his response. “Okay.”

“I mean are we… are we back together or?” I asked, looking up to him, seeing his face briefly as we passed under the streetlights.

He stared at me, and my heart sank. I knew from his expression, albeit I only saw it in flashes, it wasn’t going to be an answer I wanted to hear. “I don’t think we can be... not yet.”

“But why?!” My eyes widened. “After everything we’ve been through, after the way you’ve acted around me… I’m confused, Billie.”

He looked away from me, probably feeling as heartbroken as I did. “I… I just need time to think about everything, I don’t think I can commit right now. I mean I’ve been away from my kids and I need to see them again and I need to help myself right now.”

“Why did you ask me to move in with you if you don’t want to commit?” I stopped walking to ask him, putting my hand onto my hip.

“Because I love having you around, I love having you in my life, but there’s just a few things that… that I need to sort out first, okay?” He said, stabbing at my heart with each word.

“Why did you have sex with me?”

“What?!” He bellowed out, raising his brow at me. “Because… it felt right?”

“So it was a spur of the moment thing for you?” I asked, letting my hands drop to my sides. I sighed heavily, not wanting to continue the conversation any further.

“No, of course not, it’s just… complicated,” He went on. “That doesn’t mean you mean nothing to me.”

“Then why won’t you let me be there for you?!”

Billie looked away, folding his arms and pulling up every defence he could. “I’m just… scared, okay? I’m fucking terrified you’ll leave again if I let myself fall for you again.”

“I’m not planning on leaving! I’m right here!” I yelled, not realizing how loud my voice had gotten at that point.

Billie looked around nervously, hoping no one was around. “Then why do you have a flight to New York booked?”

My eyes widened, how did he know about that?! “I need to move out my apartment by the end of the month, remember? I’m going to pack my stuff then move it into your house,” I replied truthfully, but judging by Billie’s stance—it wasn’t good enough.

“You lied again,” He sighed. “How can I trust you if all you do is lie?”

I bowed my head once again in shame; I knew he was right, and I didn’t know how to answer his question without being a hypocrite.

“I guess I’ll see you in Oakland,” Billie continued quietly, walking away from me.

I looked up, and my eyes widened to realise he was actually quite far away from me and I started to run after him. “Where are you going?!”

He stopped suddenly and I almost smacked into the back of him at full force. I stared up at him with puppy dog eyes, causing his stance to change and he sighed. “I’m going to your mother’s since I have the keys remember? I’m gonna pack and get a flight back to Cali.”

“Right…” I paused. “I… uh… I guess I’ll get my stuff and catch my flight to New York,” I stumbled over my words, feeling like I was leaving for New York for the first time all over again. “I guess I’ll see you in the week.”

“Yeah,” Was all Billie replied with, creating even more of an awkward tension between us.

We walked back home, but it was more like two strangers just walking in line together. We packed our things in separate rooms, not speaking a word to each other. I heard the door open and close and before I knew it Billie was gone.

Perhaps I had envisioned a perfect ending to my situation, and perhaps I had tried to enforce that onto Billie. I shouldn’t be so upset that he didn’t want a relationship, after all; I was the one that broke his heart, but now I felt like he was breaking mine, and with all the awkward tension now between us, how could I ever tell him about the baby, and how could we ever get back together?

I wished I had never gotten pregnant, and that I had buckled up and never left New York. Nothing was going to plan, and why should it? I was only making things worse by being around Billie, and it was hard not to fall in love with him when he’s the way he is. But I’m the way I am, and I needed to stop lying to everyone; life was the way it was, there was no changing the past.

It was time to change how I had been acting; so the future wasn’t as messed up as the present. It was time to fix everything.

I was going to tell him I was pregnant, and I was going to tell him that I loved him, and no barrier could stop me.