It's Easier Than It Seems

“You haven’t eaten your breakfast, what’s wrong?” Ollie asked concerned, sitting opposite her son at the table. “Jennifer still buzzing around in your head?”

He rolled his eyes and looked away from his mother, stubborn as ever. “I said I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You got the girl pregnant, and you don’t want to talk about it?” She raised her brow at her son.

He shot a glance to his mother and gritted his teeth. “Yes.”

“The poor girl must be going through so much right now, and there must be a reason why she can’t tell you, try and look at it from her perspective!” She said, trying to persuade her son.

“Her perspective?” He nagged on. “She’s done nothing but lie since she got back from New York.”

His mother sighed and took her reading glasses off slowly, laying them on top of her morning newspaper. “I know it feels that way, but the woman must be pretty upset, she ran across the world for a dream job and ended up pregnant with a guy that lived on the otherside of the country.”

Billie put his head in his hands and groaned. “I don’t even know how it happened.”

“I think you’re too old to be learning about the birds and the bees now, Billie,” She joked, picking on her son.

He grimaced and folded his arms like a stubborn four year old. “I know how that happened, but we were pretty careful.”

“Pretty careful?” She repeated. “Doesn’t sound 100% careful.”

“Well maybe the baby isn’t mine, maybe it’s someone else's,” He said, trying to convince himself, but he sighed; knowing the truth. “It’s just really bad timing.”

“Any unplanned pregnancy isn’t exactly right timing but you make the most of it, you have two kids already, this is her first… imagine how terrified she must feel considering you blocked her out your life.”

“I didn’t block her out!” He argued, perhaps defending himself more than he should of. “Why the hell are you on her side?!”

“I'm not on a side, Billie, but she's carrying my grandchild and I want you to show some more compassion,” Ollie pressed on.

Billie shook his head and looked away; he knew she was right. “She should have told the truth.”

“And so should you.”

**

“How far gone are you now?” Anna asked, staring at my stomach, making me feel rather uncomfortable.

We were sat in one of the cities Starbucks, which was jam packed full of customers, most in suits tapping away at their netbooks, some with sketchpads trying so hard to look unique.

Anna hadn’t changed in the few weeks I had been away; her hair still cotton candy pink, her style as wacky as ever. She was the poster girl for a fashion designer. She was the opposite of how I first met her; cold and business like. She never smiled, and wore her brown hair slicked back into a ponytail. Then I finally got to know the real her, and she opened up and became herself, it's true what they say; never judge a book by it's cover.

“Three… four months?” I said, sounding rather unsure. If the doctors weren't sure, then neither was I. I couldn't actually pinpoint a moment to think back and estimate how far gone I was.

Anna tilted her head and lifted up my shirt, causing my eyes to widen from the invasion of my privacy. “How can you not be sure?”

“I’ve had a lot going on in my life,” I sighed, pulling my top. “How about you? What’s new?”

“I quit my job,” She announced proudly, causing me to spit my drink back into the cup. She giggled at how surprised I was, almost like she was expecting it.

“What?!”

“You were the kick up the butt I needed,” She said. “I couldn’t be a fashion designer sleeping with some sleezeball boss at a photography company,” Anna admitted, looking down into the bottom of her cup. “So I quit a day after you did, struggled for the first few days, but found a better job to build myself up as a designer.”

I lifted my head and looked to her, I had never felt a sense of real achievement in helping someone’s life before. Other than giving blood that one time a few years back, I hadn’t felt like I had helped the world at all. It was a feeling of pride and accomplishment all mixed into one emotion.

let out a soft smile onto my face,“That’s great, I’m so glad you left that place, Dimitri was such a dick.”

“It’s funny, when I said I was quitting I said we were over, too, and he actually looked upset for once,” She grinned proudly. “I’ve never seen him anything other than mad or stoic, it was a nice change… and I felt a bit guilty.”

I giggled, fiddling with the handle of my cup. Anna obviously caught the fact I was somewhat subconsciously distracted and placed her hand on top of mine. “What’s wrong?” She asked like she genuinely cared. It was almost like I was seeing a completely different woman.

“I still haven’t told him,” I replied quietly, lifting my eyes to meet hers, before looking away in shame. “And he knows I’m lying about practically everything now… so he doesn’t trust me anymore.”

“Why are you lying?” She asked, shifting in her seat to move closer to me.

I shrugged, why was I lying? “Defence mechanism I think, I used to lie to my dad all the time because I was scared how he’d react.”

“Well as harsh as this is going to sound… your dad is dead now… isn’t it time to do away with the mechanism?”

I smiled and shook my head in reply. “It’s easier said than done.”

“If you don’t start telling Billie the truth he may never trust you again, and that’s it... you’ll be over forever, there’s no way back from that,” Anna said, subconsciously fiddling with the necklace she was wearing.

I ran my hand through my hair—she was right, and I had known what she told me for awhile now. “I know, that’s why I’m going to ask him if he wants to have dinner with me when I get back to California, and then I’ll tell him when we’re home.”

“What… like… sweetening him up?” She arched her brow at me.

“Basically… yes.”

**

“Mommy said you were sick,” Jakob looked up to his father with sad eyes, it broke Billie’s heart to see his son upset, and knowing it was his own fault hurt even more.

“Come here slugger,” He said, hoisting his son up and looking at him in the eyes. “I was sick, but it’s okay now I promise… daddy won’t get that sick again.”

“You promise?” Jakob asked, a slow smile forming on a questionable face. “Well okay then, I’m glad you’re better,” He grinned, hugging into his father, so easily forgiving.

If only everyone was this as easily forgiving.

“Dad, can I go to the arcade today?” Joseph asked his father, twelve years old and already near Billie's height.

Billie looked down at his eldest, rolling his eyes. “I’ve just come back and you already want to leave?”

“Well you can come with me,” He shrugged, putting on his shoes like he had already decided the plans for the day.

“I won’t ruin your image? Suck the coolness out? Be generally embarrassing?” Billie grinned.

“You’ll still do that,” Joey replied cockily, trying up his shoe laces. “But that’s okay.” Billie laughed at his reply, a little taken aback by his sons humour.

He had felt a little rejected from the world since he found out Adrienne was cheating on him, and a string of messy relationships, alcohol, and trying to complete an album for a highly strung agent was killing him. He felt like he had missed the moments like these over the past year; too clouded by small things.

But his mind was still fogged with worry. How would his sons react to the baby? Would they hate him? Could they forgive him so easily again?

Plus, he had already felt the heartbreak of leaving his children to go on world tours, but his children were now old enough to understand that was his job, something he just had to do; with a new baby he’d have to go through that pain all over again.

Not only that, but if he couldn’t fix his relationship with Jennifer, he’d have three kids who'd have separated parents.

Billie ran his hand through Joey's hair, purposely messing it up, much to the annoyance of his eldest son who frowned, Billie grinned and patted his head. “Let’s go then.”

**

“So what’s it like over there?” Anna asked me, as we walked through central park in the afternoon.

“Hot,” I replied, kicking a stone as I walked along. “Very hot.”

“They say your body temperature is higher when you’re pregnant, too,” She stated like a walking Wikipedia.

“That would explain the buckets of sweat,” I laughed, causing Anna to wrinkle up her face. “I swear this better be worth it, I have had every single bad side affect possible.”

“Ouh, what cravings have you had?” Anna enquired, a little too eagerly.

I had to stop and think of anything weird I had craved in the past few months, but there was nothing too strange. When my mother was carrying me all she craved was salt and vinegar crisps and paté; clearly we have boring genes.

“Fatty foods is about as weird as it gets.”

“Well that isn’t weird at all,” She frowned. “I expected like a sloppy joe with jelly and ice cream.”

“Doesn’t sound too bad,” I joked, then half wondering how it would actually taste. “Damn it,” I cursed. “I think I’m starting to crave it, thanks a lot.”

“I’ll cook you it when we get back to mine!”

“I don’t think I can make it to yours, I’m still really behind on my packing,” I sighed, expecting her face to drop but instead it light up like a lightbulb.

“I’ll help!” She said excitingly. “And then I can still make you disgusting food to enjoy!”

“Yay,” I replied not so enthusiastically. “Fine, I suppose you can pack the living room whilst I concentrate on my bedroom.”

“Don’t want me to see all your frilly underwear, hm?” She joked, slurping on her drink she had made to go from Starbucks.

I rolled my eyes and laughed. “Don’t get too excited; there’s nothing great in my collection.”

“Well…” She started, and I immediately put my hand up to stop the conversation from going any further. “What? I was just going to say if you want Billie back maybe some sexy lingerie will help,” She continued, much to my disapproval.

“Anna I look like a friggin’ whale, I don’t think ‘sexy lingerie’ will help me out.”

**

“DAD!” Joey shouted for the third time to his day dreaming father, snapping his fingers in front of the older man’s face. “Sheesh, what’s up with you?” He asked his dad, sitting down next to him.

“Hm?” Billie looked around to his eldest son, completely oblivious. “Did you say something?”

“Jakob was kidnapped by a paedophile whilst you were zoned out,” Joey joked, folding his arms in annoyance to his father’s attention span.

“Joey that isn’t funny!” Billie replied, looking around half worried that Joey wasn’t making it up. “Where is your brother?”

Joey let out a long sigh, feeling under appreciated. “By the claw machine with enough dollars to last him half an hour if he doesn’t give up.”

Billie’s brow furrowed in confusion. “I only gave him twenty bucks.”

Joey stood up from sitting next to Billie and pointed to a mystery prize machine. “He won like fifty on that.”

“What?” Billie questioned, wondering how he hadn’t noticed his son becoming an obsessive gambler.

“Where have you been?” Joey asked, sounding a mixture of saddened and disappointed in his father.

Billie noticed the tone in his voice and gulped down a load of guilt. “I’ve been right here.”

“You haven’t,” His son replied, twelve years old and already wise beyond his age. He knew something was up with his dad, he didn’t understand exactly what, he just knew it wasn’t good nor normal. “Your eyes were glazed over like you were a zombie, I’ve had two goes on a shoot ‘em up and you didn’t even tell me off.”

“Sorry, I guess I-“

“Have other things on your mind?” He cut off Billie, causing his heart to break. It wasn’t something a father was supposed to hear from his twelve year old son. “Yeah, I know.”

“I really am sorry, look, let’s go on something together? We can shoot zombies together if you want?” He said persuasively, placing his hand softly onto Joey’s back. “Or… any machine you want, come on!”

“Let’s go help Jakob out then,” Joey smiled, standing up and heading over to his younger brother.

Billie watched him walk off, heart full of guilt. He shoved it all into the back of his mind and walked over to his son’s with a big grin and full sense of pride.

“Step aside, let the champion win!”

**

“You have a lot of geeky movies,” Anna noted, reading the back of a Farscape DVD. “Like, really geeky.”

I laughed as I carried a box full of clothes into the living room. “Can you stop reading the DVDs and just pack? You were supposed to be helping me out here!”

“Well I kinda just offered to make disgusting food, but you forgot to mention your fridge is empty,” Anna shot a glance towards me, causing me to laugh again and put down the box I was carrying. “You nearly done in there?” She asked me, pointing to the full box.

“Yep, I think it’s time we ordered take out and shoved a geeky movie on.”

Anna groaned and rummaged through one of the boxes she had packed for me, I tilted my head as I watched her dig through it like a lemming. “Ah! Found it!” She said, sounding rather proud of herself as she hoisted Pretty Woman into the air. “A chick flick!”

“Fine,” I sighed, rolling my eyes at her. “Chinese?”

“Sounds good,” She said, popping the DVD into the player and sitting back on the floor against the sofa which was lined with boxes.

“Guess I’ll go by myself?” I raised my brow, as she replied with a ‘ahuh’, staring at the television with square eyes. “Alrighty then.”

I threw on a coat and a pair of flats and made my way out of my apartment. Luckily I lived next to a Chinese take-out and only had to make my way down the stairs and out the complex.

As I made my way down the corridor towards the stairs I smacked into another resident, looking up completely embarrassed I realized it was the guy who played the guitar loudly in the apartment next to me.

And he was totally cute.

“I’m so sorry,” I apologized, helping him pick up his bag that he had dropped. “I’m such a clutz.”

He just laughed, a deep and handsome laugh. “I should have looked where I was going, sorry.”

I smiled up at him like a teenager with a crush, realising I was still holding onto his bag. “Oh God, sorry, I’m stealing your shopping now.”

“Thank you,” He replied quietly, taking his bag back whilst biting his lip softly. “I’ll see you around?”

“I’m moving back to Cali, actually, so I’m afraid not,” I said, a hint of disappointment in my voice.

He fiddled with the beanie covering his shaggy hair and made an ‘oh’ shape with his mouth. “Ah… that sucks.”

I shifted on my feet nervously, looking up to him. “In a way, but it’s for the best… hopefully.”

“Well… good luck?” He said, sounding unsure.

I nodded and smiled back eagerly. “Yeah, you too,” I said before scuttling out the apartment complex and out onto the boulevard.

What the heck was that?

**

“YES!” Billie roared loudly, much to the disgust of other adults there. He grabbed his toy from the door opening of the claw machine and hoisted it up into the air. “I FUCKING WON IT!”

The parents turned their kids away, wanting the crazy man to go away, but Billie didn’t care. His sons were laughing, and that was the best thing he could have asked for, and in that moment he realised; he realised life wasn't as harsh or cruel like he had made out to be, sure he had just divorced Adrienne, fathered a baby with his ex-girlfriend, broke up his band and tried to overdose, but he saw past that.

The silver lining in it all.

He was no longer in a relationship with a liar, he could still see his sons just as much as before, and now he was welcoming a new life into his life, and he would try his damn hardest to be the best father he could. Not only that but he'd get the band back together better than ever, and he sure as hell wasn't going to try his hand at suicide again.

He knelt down in front of his two sons and smiled softly at them. He saw so much of Adrienne in them, but he also saw himself... whether or not the latter was a good thing, he hadn't decided, but they were his blood, his life, he couldn't be selfish any more.

“I need to tell you guys something really big.”

He wasn't sure how they'd react to the news of another sibling, but he would reassure them he'd be there for them through everything, and that he'd never leave their sides again.

As children, that's all they wanted; their father.