It's Easier Than It Seems

Like a swarm of bees, the sound invaded my ear and wouldn't leave me alone. I twisted and turned in my chair; my shirt tightening around my stomach, making me feel ten times bigger than I already felt.

Growing up in a working class family, I thought I was more than prepared for economy class, in fact I was sure that I had mastered the small spaces, loud people, and factory processed food. Except the eight months I had spent in paradise had created a stiff upper lip, knowing that the grass was most certainly greener on the other side.

I had created a list in my head of all the inappropriate questions I had asked myself during the flight, such as 'is it illegal to punch an obnoxious baby?', 'will I ever make it to California?', 'I wonder if I can ask the woman beside me for her leftovers?'

“How far gone are you?” She leaned over and smiled softly at me.

I glared, I glared like she had just killed a newborn disabled puppy. What if I wasn't pregnant? I could have easily have had gas! Was I really that big?

Oh God, I really was getting big.

I looked to her, wanting to tell her that I wasn't pregnant, and that she was just a pretentious bitch, but instead I played it cool. “Three or so, but I've been craving fatty foods.”

“I was the same,” She grinned, reminiscing.

I sat up in my chair and turned to face her as not to strain my neck any more than I already was. “How many do you have?”

“Four, but I don't get to see them,” She replied, sounding honest and sad at the same time. I wasn't sure whether to press on or not so I kept quiet. “I'm divorced you see.”

Once again, stumped and lost for words, I simply replied with an, “oh,” before looking away.

Sheesh, why did strangers have to tell me everything? Did I just have a trusting face? Because I wasn't very trustful recently.

“I'm sorry?” I replied, confused as to what I was supposed to say. Congratulations? My condolences? I actually don't really care?

“Thanks, it's okay, it was a long time ago,” She said stoically, settling back into her chair. “Love sucks, trust me, you don't want to get involved in that rubbish.”

**

“What's the matter with you? You were perky on the phone.”

“Perky?” I turned my head to look at Billie Joe, who was driving me from the airport back to his home. “When have I ever been perky?”

Billie looked deep in thought for a few seconds before a sly grin formed on his face. “When you're in a good dream?”

“There was this woman sat next to me, talking about stuff,” I mumbled, looking out the window, rather than Billie.

“Stuff?” He asked, eyes concentrating on the road, not noticing my posture had changed.

I glanced towards him for a second before I looked back out the window. “Love, and all the other stuff.”

I heard Billie sigh deeply, making me half close my eyes and half wince. We hadn't talked since England, all I had done was call Billie up to tell him what flight I'd be on and he offered to pick me up. It was foolish to think we could forget the whole thing, the problem was still there and I had planned to tell him later.

I cleared my throat and looked to Billie with a forced smile. “So do you wanna head out for a meal?” Hoping he'd answer yes, so I could tell him after dinner.

“Can't,” He simply said, pulling into the driveway of his home.

“Can't?” I asked him, folding my arms stubbornly.

He looked to me, glancing to my arms then back to my face. “I'll be in the studio.”

I opened the car door and swung myself out, walking around to the back to the car to collect my luggage but Billie had somehow beaten me to it.

“Can you cancel it?” I asked him as he pulled two suitcases out the trunk of his car. He shook his head and simply walked up his driveway, making me run after him like a little chihuahua. “Why not?!”

He simply ignored me, causing me to fret, not letting it drop. “Is this about what we talked about in England? Because we can forget I ever said anything,” I said, starting to feel more anxious than I should have as Billie just walked into his house.

I walked in and jumped half a mile as everyone I had known in California greeted me with a huge 'surprise!'

“Whaaaa-,” I let out in an exasperated gasp. “What are you all doing here?!” I finally caught my breath and said.

Mike, Tré, Britanny, Stevie, Morgan, a man I didn't know, and Billie's family were all there to greet me, causing my face to flush in embarrassment.

I looked up slowly to see a huge banner hanging over the hallway saying 'welcome home' and I immediately burst into tears, feeling so overwhelmingly loved, presuming that no one would have cared considering the whole mess that was made was my fault.

I didn't know what to say as I looked to everyone, I was completely speechless. What I had just left behind in England had made everything feel ten times harder, but this made the pain bearable.

“Oh honey, there's no need to cry! We aren't that bad!” Cooed Ollie, as she wrapped her arms around me in a motherly way. “We're just glad you're back here for good.”

I smiled, sniffing and trying to control my sobs.

“Ollie, come on, at least share,” Tré joked, running over and wrapping his arms around me in a bear hug, causing me to giggle scream, feeling like it was the first hug he had ever given me when I had first met him.

I had missed him, I had missed everyone. It had felt like such a long time since we were friends, like I had got lost down a long road, but finally turned back and found my way home.

“Speak for yourself, Tré, can I cut in here?” Mike grinned, wrapping his arms around me also. “Welcome back, Jen,” He said quietly into my ear. “I'm so sorry about everything, I've been such a douchébag to you.”

“You haven't,” I replied, pulling out the hug and looking into his eyes. “You were being a good friend, I can't be angry at you for that.”

We met each other with the same smile before Morgan walked up to me with a shy smile spread across her lips. “Hey,” She greeted me, wrapping her arms around me. It felt awkward at first before I relaxed into it. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too, Morg,” I replied, snuffling into her shoulder.

“You've been gone too long,” She smiled as she pulled out of the hug, running her hand down my arm till her fingers intertwined with my own. “Feels like it's been years.”

“It's only been two months,” I quipped, raising my brow. Though, she was right. It felt like years since I had last been back with everyone around me.

“That's two whole months!” She exclaimed, her eyes widening as she lead me into another room, a quieter and more secluded room. I looked around slowly and suspiciously, wondering what was happening.

“Oh for fuck's sake,” I sighed, running my hand over my forehead. “Who told you?” I asked, already knowing that someone had told Morgan about my pregnancy.

“So it's true... nice cover up,” She replied, gesturing to my overly baggy shirt and cardigan that covered my ever growing bump. “By the way, the guy in there is my boyfriend,” She told me, completely averting the topic, seemingly okay with my strange situation. “Isn't he just the cutest?”

I peered out of the door and into the hallway to see the poor boy standing their awkwardly amongst everyone else. I looked back to Morgan and smirked. “He's pretty cute.”

She squealed like a little school girl before dragging me out the room to see her cute boyfriend. “Jen this is Michael, Mike this is Jen.”

I smiled and stuck my hand out to greet him. “Another Mike? Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise,” He smiled back. “I've heard a lot about you.”

I looked slowly to Morgan and back to Mike. “You have?”

He raised his hands in defence and laughed lightly. “Don't worry, nothing bad!”

“I should hope not!”

**

“So what did she tell you?” Billie asked, sipping from his beer, when he saw my face of confusion he continued, “The woman on the plane.”

“Ah,” I paused. “That love sucked, and I shouldn't bother pursuing romances,” I smiled, giving Billie an overly happy thumbs up.

Billie raised his brow and laughed. “You let that affect you?”

“Well she was kinda right,” I replied, looking slowly up to Billie who furrowed his brow in reply. “What? She was, you should understand.”

“Ouch,” He replied, turning away and hopping off his bar stool. “So do you want another soda?” He asked me, changing the conversation like wiping dirt off his shoulder.

“Sure,” I replied, noticing that Billie had only offered me soft drinks since the party had started. Whilst I had my suspicions that he already knew, I was still only going to tell him once the party was over. “So, good week?”

Billie nodded in reply, skimming through his phone absent-mindedly. “Yeah, hung out with the kids, mellowed out around the house, y'know,” He said, looking towards me. “You?”

“Packed my things, packed my things some more...” I trailed off, grinning. “Y'know,” I teased.

“What are you guys giggling about in here?” Brittany asked as she entered the kitchen, helping herself to a drink out the fridge. She opened a can of diet coke before settling down onto a bar stool opposite me. “How've you been?”

“Honestly? Let's just say I'm glad to be back,” I sighed, glancing to Billie then back to Brit.

“Aw,” She pouted, putting her coke down on the table and walking around the island to give me a hug. “I heard about your dad, I'm sorry,” She squeezed, as I stared at Billie over her shoulder, he gave me a cheeky grin in reply, causing me to frown in reply.

“I... uhm... thank you,” I smiled, pulling out of the hug. I felt weird, like I didn't want anyone to touch me, and I heard horror stories about women in pregnancy never letting anyone touch them for awhile.

I was turning into one of them.

“So are you going to starve us Billie, or can we go out now?” She asked demandingly. “Because I'm so hungry right now I could eat a baby.”

I glanced upwards towards her, feeling sheepish in her demeanour. “Out? Where?” I asked Billie, wondering that since everyone practically knew I was pregnant I'd be hearing jokes like that all night till I officially came “out” the baby closet to Billie.

“I've booked a table at Fisherman's Grotto.”

My eyes lit up, and I felt my stomach do a back flip in excitement. “That's the place we went to.”

Billie nodded. “On one of our dates.”

I bit my lip and coyly looked away, trying to hide my red cheeks from him. “Thank you.”

Brittany clasped her hands together. “Okay! Should we go then?!”

**

“This is really nice of you, after everything,” I quietly spoke in the car on the way to San Francisco. “You didn't have to.”

“I've had some time to think, and some sense knocked into me as well,” He admitted, glancing from the road to me. “So... with that in mind... I wouldn't say no to your offer.”

“My offer?” I arched my brow in confusion. “What offer?”

“That we should start things again, I don't see why not,” He smiled handsomely, causing me to gush. After all this time that's exactly what I wanted to hear, but I couldn't say yes in case he took the news I was going to tell him later badly; it just didn't feel right.

“Can we talk about this after dinner, in private? Please?” I almost begged, hoping it wouldn't cause another fight.

Instead of a bad reaction that I was foreseeing, Billie just nodded. “Okay, when we get back home we'll sit down and properly talk.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

**

Fisherman's Grotto was just as I remembered it; a traditional styled building with a great atmosphere and an even better view of Fisherman's Wharf. It brought back memories of not so long ago when Billie and I ate at a table next to the window. I'd be staring outside at the view more than I would at him, much to his annoyance.

We began ordering food almost as soon as our bums touched the seats, like a group of vultures we were eager to eat our food. I hadn't eaten since lunch on the plane, so my stomach was growling as I smelt the food already being served.

“So what are you going to do over here then?” Stevie asked me, playing with the salt and pepper pots in front of her.

“Job wise?” I asked her.

“Yeah, like, are you still doing your photography?”

“I hope so,” I smiled. “I've been searching for jobs, there's just not an awful lot going right now,” I said, fiddling with the straw in my drink. It was partly true; I was still looking for photography jobs, but after I didn't get the grocery shop job my self esteem was quite low. That, and with my father's death I had been distracted recently, plus no one wants to hire a pregnant lady.

“I'm sure you'll find something soon, you're amazing,” She complimented, causing me to gush.

“Thank you,” I grinned, feeling my self-esteem sky rocket, but feeling like everyone was buttering me up for whatever reason.

“Though you'll be busy, huh?” Morgan butted in, I looked over to her slowly, staring at her askew smile.

“What do you mean?” I replied, almost with gritted teeth. I was sat opposite her and so I had the perfect opportunity to kick her under the table before she said any more.

She grimaced as she felt my foot kick into her shin, but her face formed a wry smile as she giggled. “Just with everything, y'know.”

An awkward silence settled upon the table, and I felt like giving up. I wanted to tell Billie before he either figured out, or someone told him, but I wasn't sure I could last this meal.

“Excuse me,” I said quietly, getting up to go to the ladies' room. I stared at myself in the mirror; I didn't need the loo, only a breather. Tonight everything changed and now wasn't the time to psych myself out.

I stepped out and rejoined the group at the table, as Billie leant over to ask if I was okay, I smiled and hid my fear as I just nodded and waited for food to arrive.

When it did it was glorious, I wasn't sure if it was my hunger, the pregnancy, or perhaps just the cooking, but every bite was magical.

“So how are Green Day doing?” Morgan asked, glancing between the three guys sat at the table. “Saw some nasty rumours in the magazines.”

“They're just rumours,” Mike quickly said, glancing over to Billie and back to Morgan. “We're doing fine, and we're just experimenting in the studio at the moment.”

“Experimenting?” She pushed on, half interested in her steak, half in what Mike had to say.

“Yeah,” He said, wiping his mouth with a paper napkin. “We can only make a really good album if we experiment with lots of different concepts, but y'know, often enough, something perfect pops out of nowhere.”

“Well I personally can't wait,” She replied, grinning like an idiot, clearly still a huge fan of the band.

“We can't wait either,” Tré cut in. “We don't just do this for us, but for you guys, too.”

“Well I know I'm über lucky to know you guys,” Morgan smiled, glancing towards me. “I can't believe we met in a shop.”

I remembered back to when I first saw her; she was with her sister in the store, wanting so bad to talk to Billie, but was too shy to get close. Oh, how things have changed.

“You were a lot quieter then,” I said, tongue in cheek, earning a shocked look from her. I giggled, turning to face Billie. “Do you remember why we were there?”

Billie looked up from his plate and towards me, almost bewildered. “Huh?”

I rolled my eyes, clearly he had been paying more attention to his food. “Do you remember when we met Morgan? We went to 7/11 for some things and bumped into her and her sister.”

“Mhm, I remember, you made a bad peach pun.”

 "You okay Jen?" My eyes met Billie’s deep green eyes as I sighed and picked up a peach from the nearest stand.

“Just peachy, thanks,” I replied, laughing as I held it out to Billie, who chuckled and then encouraged me to walk forward.

I giggled, turning red with embarrassment. “As if you remember that.”

“Well it wasn't that long ago, and it made me laugh,” He replied, making me think. It really hasn't been that long since I arrived here. It had been eight months. Eight. I was already unemployed and pregnant—what made me different from those skanks I hated in high school?

I turned a ghostly shade of regret, before I completely went off my dinner that had seemed so tasty just a few mouthfuls ago.

I rested my fork down on my half full plate as Billie nudged me with his elbow. “What's up?” He asked, a hint of concern in his voice.

I flapped my hand about to wave him off, hoping he could at least pretend to be oblivious. “Nothing, nothing.”

Billie sighed, putting his fork down with a clatter and turned to face me. “What have we talked about before?!” He whispered, angrily, causing Tré sat next to him, and Stevie opposite to stare at us.

I felt like a little child being punished by their father, humiliated and embarrassment I hung my head low in shame. “Sorry,” I replied quietly. “I'll tell you about it later.”

Billie swept his emotions under a rug and picked his fork back up like my one little sentence had resolved everything. “Alright.”

For the rest of the evening I talked amongst all my friends, Billie on the other half only provided me with small talk; and I think everyone knew we weren't speaking as normal which just made everything awkward.

By the time the end of the night rolled by, everyone was stuffed and merry, and as we all parted ways with hugs and goodbyes, I knew I had made the right choice to come back. I was a fool to leave, and an even bigger one for lying.

As we walked into the house I knew I had to immediately tell Billie. I hadn't felt this eager since I found out I was pregnant, so I knew the timing was finally right.

“Billie,” I said quietly, tugging lightly on his arm so he'd turn to face me.

“Hm?” He replied, looking down at me as he took off his jacket.

“We need to talk,” I simply said, taking a seat on Billie's sofa and patting the empty chair next to me.

Once he took my invitation to sit I took his hand, shaking like a leaf. Billie noticed my nerves and lay his hand on top of mine. “What is it?” He asked calmly, as if to ease my anxiety. “Are you okay?”

“I uh…” I stumbled. I had waited what felt like years to tell him this, and now the words weren’t forming in my mouth. “Billie, I’m pregnant,” I spat out in one go, feeling sick to the stomach as I hoped for a good reaction.

Billie remained quiet, staring at me almost dumbfounded, until slowly a warm smile crept onto his face like he had known all along…