It's Easier Than It Seems

“So how'd he take it?” Morgan asked, as she sat down on a wooden bench in the midst of our stroll through Golden Gate Park. It was a perfectly cool evening to accompany a humid hectic day as I juggled Billie, finding a job, and trying to move all of my things into Billie's home. Between all the craziness and noise, I had somehow found myself in the calmest of places with Morgan and a hot chocolate.

We decided to treat ourselves to a girly day out before we ended up in the park; we went out shopping for clothes, treated ourselves to a manicure, before gorging on overly expensive cupcakes from a market stall. It had been perfect, and whilst I worried that back home Billie was conspiring against me, I had pushed it into the back of my mind as I sipped my drink.

“Well...”

“What... what's that smile for?” I questioned, suspicious of his growing smile. He just shook his head and laughed, squeezing my hand tight. I laughed nervously alongside him, confused and not knowing how to deal with his reaction.

I had kept this secret for so long from him that I had gone over this situation a billion times in my head, and 90% of the time he got angry, and left me all alone. But out of every scenario, a laugh? No, I didn’t suspect that, at all.

“You have no idea how long I have waited for you to say that,” He admitted, affirming my worry of him knowing all along. I sank down in my chair as pure guilt overcome me. He had heard back in England when I told my father, and I had known that, but I still didn’t tell him.

He knew all along that I was a liar.

I put my hand up to my face in shame, turning bright red. “Oh shit, I'm so sorry, Billie,” I apologised, as I started to cry, apologising about ten times more through the tears.

He took my hand away with his own and looked into my eyes with reassurance. “Hey, it's okay,” He replied, calmly, wiping my tears with his fingers.

My eyes widened with surprise. “It is?” I asked, tilting my head.

Billie eagerly nodded in reply. “Yeah, I mean I was pretty shocked at first, then...” He trailed off, scratching the back of his head like his whole mood had changed. “Then I was pretty fucking mad, I mean, you were pregnant, and you hadn't told me, y'know,” He continued, taking my hand again. “But I had some time to think, and I talked to my mother and she really helped me understand why you hadn't told me.”

“She did?”

“Yeah, because you were scared as hell, you had finally gotten your dream job and moved away without any friends, then I knock you the fuck up and ruin all your life plans, and you have to come back to a place you think everyone hates you, plus this is your first kid,” He rambled on, hitting the nail on the head, though. “I'm just sorry I got you into this mess.”

“He apologised to you?” Morgan questioned. “That's pretty fucking weird.”

I shrugged, staring off behind Morgan at the view. “That's Billie for you.”

Morgan giggled, pulling her knees closer to her body and staring at me with an eager expression, I raised my eyebrow, taking it as my cue to carrying on.

“Takes two to tango, Billie,” I said. “Besides, you really don't need to apologise, this whole thing is my fault.”

“Unless you poked holes in my condoms, then like you said, it takes two to tango,” He sighed, scratching his stubble. “So how far gone are you?”

I subconsciously put my hand on my stomach as I nervously looked to Billie. “Doctors weren't sure, but somewhere between three and four months, they should know in my next scan.”

His green eyes widened as big as dinner plates. “Three to four? That leaves us with...” He trailed off to do the sum in his head. “Six or five months till the baby is here,” He said, sounding bewildered, like it had all hit him at once.

I nodded slowly in reply, taking Billie's hand in my own and slowly placing it onto my stomach. I shakily let out a breath as Billie's thumb lightly stroked over the top of it and his eyes met my own. “Jesus Christ,” He whispered, staring at my stomach. “My kid's in there.”

My eyes watered; a mixture of guilt and pure happiness succumbed me as I sniffed. “Y-Yeah,” I stuttered, the feeling was overwhelming; the secret was finally out and I could live life like I was actually pregnant instead of hiding it. “What are we going to do Billie?”

“We're going to be the best parents we can be.”

“Aw, I knew it'd all work out!” Morgan exclaimed, leaping from her seat and cutting my story short. “Come on, we need to get back,” She continued, tugging on my sleeve.

I looked to the time and mentally cursed myself; it had gotten so late and I hadn't realised, I had been too swept up in storytelling to notice the setting sun behind me. “Yeah we should, I bet he's getting worried.”

Morgan giggled softly, wrapping her arm around me. “I've missed you.”

I looked back to her, feeling as happy as ever, I closed my eyes with a smile. “I've missed you, too.”

**

“I'm back!” I shouted through the house, only to be met with silence. I sighed and closed the door lightly behind me, wondering where Billie had gotten to.

I searched around the house until I could hear a piano being played below my feet. Presuming Billie was in his home built basement studio, I made my way towards the music.

“Billie?” I called out, peering from behind the door to see him playing the piano by himself. He seemed to be too into the song to hear me, and carried on playing. I tilted my head, feeling rude to interrupt him, and so I simply watched him, almost mesmerised by the music.

”That's what I want, but I guess that's what anyone wants—to be the best parent possible,” I said, looking away from Billie. “I just don't want to end up like my father.”

Billie lifted my chin with his index finger and warmly smiled. “You won't, you'll learn from his mistakes, besides... you're nothing like your father.”

I sighed, he was right. But I was always worried that I was turning into him, I mean… my father wasn’t always a tyrant, but his mental problems grew. “I'm not sure, I mean my anxiety seems to be getting worse, what if I end up as mentally fucked as he was?”

“Well I'm here to stop that, plus, you aren't an alcoholic, and you have a heart of gold, trust me, you won't become him.”

“When did you get home?” Billie asked, startling me out of my day dream; I hadn’t even realised Billie stopped playing the piano. “Sorry,” He laughed at how jumpy I was. “Didn't mean to make you jump.”

I smiled and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “What were you playing?” I asked him, walking up beside him and sitting down at the piano.

“Just something I'm working on,” He replied, pressing a few keys down randomly.

I laid my hands down on the keys and started to play anything that came to mind. It had been awhile since I had played piano, in fact it had been too long since I picked up any instrument. I'm sure my bass was collecting dust in a box somewhere.

“You never told me you could play piano,” He said, sounding rather surprised. “What else do you need to tell me?”

I looked to him midst playing and grinned. “I told you before what I can play, you just don't pay any attention.”

“Humph.”

I giggled and continued playing a song I had learnt a few years back, for some reason it all started to come back to me, I guess like riding a bike. It’s amazing how the mind works sometimes, isn’t it?

”So do you have any names planned out?” He asked me, causing my eyes to widen. I had only just accepted that I was pregnant, I hadn't thought of any names.

I shook my head firmly in reply. “No, but I've always loved the name Phoebe.”

“Hm,” Billie pondered. “Yeah, that's a nice name, and for a boy?”

I shrugged, I searched through my mind but came up blank. I had never really settled on boys names, I mean, I had thought of some but nothing was permanent. Miles, Theodore, Constantine, Conner; just a few names I had liked as a teenager, but none I would probably call my child. “There's plenty I like, but none I'd chose.”

“Well, it's most likely going to be a boy,” Billie stated, as if he could read the future, but knowing my luck it would be a boy, because it’s the one option I wouldn’t be prepared for.

“How'd you figure that?” I asked, furrowing my brow.

“I've had two boys already, there's more boys in my family, and I'm pretty sure you said girls are rare in yours,” He went on. “Meaning our chances of a girl are slim.”

“Well, I don't mind either way,” I smiled, stretching out and yawning. “But I figured you'd want a girl.”

“It'd be nice, but I wouldn't hate having another son... you'd be a bit outnumbered,” He joked, making me scrunch up my nose at the thought. “Now you want a girl don't you?”

“Yeah, the thought of mini Billie's running riot everywhere fucking terrifies me.”

“Shall we go out for dinner?” Billie asked me, causing me to stop playing and turn to face him.

“We went out yesterday,” I replied, feeling a bit frugal (despite Billie’s wealth), and reluctant to go out again after only just coming home from my evening out with Morgan.

Billie sighed, realising I was too damn stubborn for my own good. “We could order in then?” He offered, sounding very obstinate to eat something homemade.

“I can cook something,” I said, arching my brow. “Or at least try,” I grinned, knowing full well I was a terrible cook.

Billie raised his brow and grinned, almost like he knew it was a plan destined to fail. “Alright, what’cha gonna cook?”

I put my finger to my chin and hummed. What was I going to cook? I was, like I said, terrible at cooking; anything I touched I ruined, so I avidly avoided any type of cooking. I could ruin boiled eggs, burn canned baked beans, or even screw up the simplest of stir fries… I just wasn’t a natural cook.

“Spaghetti bolognese?” I asked, knowing full well it was the only dish I could cook without messing it up. Sort of. I would just make sure I didn’t overdo it on the herbs and salt like I normally would.

“Sure, sounds great, I’ll look forward to it,” He smiled, half sounded sincere, half sounding like he was being sarcastic. “Oh, by the way my mom's coming over.”

Mid standing up from the piano I froze. “What?!”

**

“Oh look at you!” Ollie squealed. “You have a lil' bump, how cute!” She seemed overly ecstatic, but I guess it was her grandchild after all. When she started rubbing my stomach though, I immediately wanted her to back away and give me my space—a weird feeling I'd have only gotten if a drunk man was trying to touch me up on the bus ride back home.

“Yeah,” I replied, laughing nervously and backing away slightly. “I should go check on dinner,” I scurried out towards the kitchen to leave Miss. Touchy-Feely at the door, whilst I wondered what had come over me.

“Did I upset her?” I heard her ask Billie before their conversation became inaudible to me, and I concentrated on not ruining the meal. No Ollie, you didn’t, but you upset my hormones apparently. Sorry about that.

I finally served up dinner for the three of us, as everyone sat around the dining table patiently. As soon as I sat down the two started to gulf down their dinner with no complaints, making me a happy camper.

“How is it?” I asked nervously, watching them eat away happily till I got a thumbs up from Billie. I grinned in response and looked towards Ollie.

“It's good,” She smiled, wiping her mouth with a napkin. “Really good.”

“Thank you,” I replied, tucking into my meal. I hadn't been sick all day, so I was hoping I could at least keep my own dinner down; it was more determination rather than anything.

“So are you two a couple now?” Ollie asked out the blue, causing me to start choking on a piece of spaghetti.

Billie patted my back and shot a glance towards his mother. “Mom, can you not?”

She just shrugged, looking nonchalant. “Well you're having a kid together, and it's my grandchild, I'd just like to know if you two are raising it together.”

Billie sighed, looking perplexed as he glanced between his mother and I. “It's complicated.”

Complicated?

“Complicated?” Ollie seemed to mirror my thinking, and in attempt to seem more serious she laid down her fork. “Honey, what's so complicated? You two were dating, you split up, but now she's pregnant, and you both still have feelings for each other… it’s quite straight forward, actually.”

“It's none of your business,” Billie snapped, feeling his strings slightly tugged. “It's up to us what we do, not you.”

Ollie sighed, rubbing her forehead. “I'm thinking of your child, not about whether or not it's 'complicated',” She said, making air quotations to further her point.

“Yeah, exactly, OUR child, not yours,” He quipped, glancing over to me, almost a signal for me to chime in whenever I felt like; which I didn't. I'd rather stay quiet in the corner watching mother and son have it out. I knew I should have spoken up, I was carrying the damn thing after all, but I hardly knew Ollie and it would seem rude to poke at her.

“Well fine, shoot me for caring about your unborn kid,” She mumbled, standing up from the table.

“Mom, sit down,” Billie groaned, knowing full well that he had pushed his mother into a mood. “For God's sake, Jen's worked really hard on the meal, and you're just going to walk out?!”

“Well I can see full well my opinion doesn't matter here, so why should I bother? But thank you for the meal, Jennifer, it was lovely,” She replied with the attitude of a five year old in a grump. I sucked in my lips, feeling an inappropriate and ill-timed giggle bursting out.

I watched as she walked out the room, her head almost hung low like she had been scorned for doing something wrong, or like her mother refused to give her the pretty doll that she wanted from the store. She was clearly trying to guilt trip Billie, whether or not it was working—I wasn’t sure; he just looked angry to me.

“Well feel free to say anything!” Billie angrily said, causing me to slowly look to him with widened eyes.

“Excuse me?” I asked, feeling a bit peeved and shocked he was taking his frustration out on me.

“You could have backed me up there!” He replied, throwing his napkin onto his plate and leaving the room in an angry fashion.

I had no idea whether to be angry, shocked or sad as my hormones flipped a crazy switch. I felt my eyes sting as they decided on sad and I started to cry for almost no reason at all. I knew it was stupid and yet I continued to sob as I walked my way to the bathroom and locked myself in.

I took a deep breath as the nauseous that had alluded me all day finally hit my senses and caused my stomach to do a back flip.

Great, just fucking great.

I hunched over the toilet and threw up every last piece of the spaghetti bolognese that had actually tasted nice. Thanks for nothing, pregnancy.

I felt angry at Billie, angry at his attitude, angry at the fact he got me pregnant in the first place, and angry that I was pregnant right now. I went from being sad to angry in a split second and thought of pushing Billie's face into the toilet and flushing it.

I snapped out my crazy day dream when I heard a knock on the bathroom door. “Jenni?” Billie called out from the other side. “Are you okay in there?”

I replied with a simple yeah, harbouring my feelings for the time being as I opened the door. “I'm fine.”

“Were you sick?” He asked, probably smelling something I was too used to. I nodded, causing him to sigh and hug into me randomly. “I'm sorry I snapped at you; I was angry at my mom and I took it out on you.”

“No it's okay, I should have said something,” I mumbled into his shoulder blade, doing a 180 on how I felt about Billie just moments before. “Has your mom left?”

“Yeah,” He laughed. “She actually went… what a child.”

“Are we really that complicated?” I asked, pulling away from the embrace, almost in fear of reigniting the argument Billie had with his mother. “I mean...”

Billie sighed and leant against the door frame, looking down at me. “I don't know, that's why it's complicated... everything's just confusing right now.”

“Do you still like me?” I questioned, feeling my heart beat a million times per second as my adrenaline and anxiety kicked in.

Billie looked away sheepishly and nodded. “Of course,” He replied, his demeanour much like a seven year old telling the crush on the playground that he liked them. “It's just,” He looked to me slowly, and looked like he was thinking hard of what to say next. “I just… I don't want to be in a relationship right now,” He mumbled out quickly.

My heart sank a little, but I could understand why. I was partly to blame, of course, so it made me a little more understanding, but it still made me want to shoot myself in the heart.

“I've had a lot of relationships this past year... too many, and I just want to be single and concentrate on myself for a while… before I go fucking crazy again.”

“I understand,” I cut in, placing my hand lightly on his arm. “It's okay, I get it.”

Billie smiled. “Thanks,” He placed his hand on top of mine and squeezed. “But it's complicated because as much as I want to stay single, you're pregnant with my kid and yeah, I really like you.”

I felt my cheeks flush and burn, knowing full well I was turning a shade of beetroot. “I like you, too.”

Billie tried to hold back the biggest smile across his face, but played it down and took his hand away from mine. “Should we finish our dinner, then?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“I wouldn't mind an army of mini-Billie's, it means I have a chance at world domination.”

“Oh God,” I sighed, cupping my head with my hands. “Please let it be a girl.”

Billie laughed a little too loud before wrapping his arm around me. “I have no idea what you're talking about, all Billie's are awesome.”

I raised my brow at the older man. “So awesome, clearly.”

“Was that sarcasm I heard?” Billie questioned, tickling my side, causing me to let out a cackle. “You're so going to pay for that,” He continued, sending me into a fit of giggles as he relentlessly tickled me until I was a mess on the couch.

“Okay, I admit it, I admit!” I shouted out between breathes. Billie hummed and sat up, awaiting my reply. “You're awesome—there, I said it.”

Billie grinned like a little kid knowing he had won, and nodded. “See, that wasn't so hard, was it?”

Smiling at the thought as we walked back to the dining room, I felt my heart tug; why did I say ‘I like you, too’? I knew full well that I didn’t just like him—I loved him.

Oh how I wish things weren't “complicated”.