It's Easier Than It Seems

Monday 24th September

It was my mother’s 50th birthday, and I had drove her out to San Francisco as planned - minus Billie who hadn’t turned back up at home yet. Just so I didn’t ruin my mothers birthday I put a stoic face on for her and told her that Billie had texted me that he had stayed the night at Mike’s, which was a little white lie. As a matter of fact, I had sent him ten text messages and left three very worried voicemails… I had no clue where he was or what he was doing.

Every time I thought about it my stomach cramped in knots. So I took a deep breath and distracted myself. I couldn’t get stressed, I just couldn’t. It wouldn’t be healthy for the baby.

He’s a grown man, I kept telling myself. He doesn’t need my help.

I let my mom decide what she wanted to do in San Francisco, and she had picked a morning trip to Alcatraz, followed by lunch then afternoon shopping in the city.

Alcatraz was as amazing as we had both thought it would be, we boarded the early bird tour boat and made our way around the tour. My mom had got me interested in all things creepy and weird, so it was something we both enjoyed.

During lunch I discussed my ambitions to get back into photography, hoping to set up my very own studio at some point. When I told her I wanted to pave my own way she explained it may not hurt to let Billie help out with the initial payments - and that I could always pay him back if I started doing well. It was a good plan that I needed to think about. I would need to rent my own space and buy my equipment, so it would be a big initial down payment to start my own business, so if I could get a helping hand but reimburse at a later date, perhaps it wasn’t such a bad idea.

All I needed was to make a profitable business; I’d need people who wanted me to take photographs of them. Easy… right? I wasn’t convincing myself.

After lunch, we spent the rest of the afternoon shopping - my mom picking up various souvenirs along the way, and taking as many photographs as she could of all the landmarks. She spent the rest of her money spoiling her unborn grandchild with toys and clothes - much to my dismay; it was her birthday after all.

By the end of the day, my ankles were swollen and my wrists were sore from shopping, but it was nice to have a catch up considering the last time I saw my mother was for my father's funeral. I hated the idea she was alone in England, so I wanted to hear what she was getting up to and how she was.

If anything bad happened to her I think I would just crumble to a pulp.

After a long drive home stuck in rush hour traffic, we finally pulled onto the drive back at home. I wondered if Billie had made it back okay or if he was still AWOL - I still had no reply from him.

My mom and I starting lifted our mounds of shopping bags out of the car when I was nudged out of the way. “Let me do it,” I heard Billie say from behind me; I didn’t even notice him leave the house, he just appeared out of nowhere.

I stepped aside and watched as he struggled trying to carry everything all at once into the house. My mom and I looked at each other and just gave each other the look.

“Where have you been?!” I asked him, my voice one of worry and not one of anger. We followed him into the house as he settled all the bags down in the hallway at once with an exhausted sigh.

My mom walked upstairs to her guestroom to give us a bit of space, that or she didn’t want to be in Billie’s firing line again.

He looked down at his red and raw fingers then back at me with puppy dog eyes. “I got drunk at a bar and I…” He paused, looking away again. “I went to Sasha’s.”

I felt sick, was he implying that he...? No, he wouldn’t, would he? I furrowed my brow. “Right…”

He nodded slowly, I let him continue, almost in disbelief in what I was hearing. “So I shouted at her, I think I remember telling her the baby wasn’t mine and demanded proof, and now she’s super angry at me,” He rambled.

I scrunched up my face, confused. “I’m sorry, I thought you were implying you slept with her?”

He raised a brow. “What? I wouldn’t do that to you… I wouldn’t sleep with her,” He looked shocked that I would just assume that.

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank God… what else did you do?”

Billie sheepishly scratched the back of his neck. “Well she handed me an ultrasound scan, and I tore it up. She got pretty mad and said she was going to the press.”

My eyes widened. “We can’t let her!” I exclaimed. “Maybe you should threaten to sue her?” I suggested. She couldn’t do this to Billie, not to Green Day either, not after all their hard work on their next album.

Perhaps it wasn’t Billie’s baby, but just a scam for money - maybe she just wanted to be paid off to live a happy rich life somewhere free of bills and worries, or was lusting for one second of fame, and was willing to lie about her baby.

“Well that’s what I’ve been doing all day, I’ve been looking for a lawyer, and someone who can do a DNA test,” He insisted, it seemed like he had a plan, but did he have to ignore me all day?

Billie’s face was painted with guilt and he sheepishly looked away from me. I sighed, placing my hand on his arm. “Why didn’t you return my calls or answer my texts, though? I’ve been worried sick, you could have just told me,” I ensured, I felt my bottom lip quiver and bit into it as I tried to hide the fact that I wanted to cry. It had plagued my mind all day - the thought of Billie lying in a gutter somewhere flashed into my mind every time I glanced to my phone and saw no response from him.

Billie noticed my lip quiver, his face looking terrified that I may have just burst into tears in front of him. “Honestly,” He sighed, breaking eye contact from me again. “I was ashamed, and terrified you were mad at me… I mean I flaked on your mom's birthday, and I shouted at her, it wasn’t my finest moment,” He explained, wrapping his arms around me tightly. “I’m so fucking sorry, Jen.”

His apology was sincere, and I didn’t want to stay mad or upset at him; where would that get me? We’d be going around circles without ever catching our breath.

I looked up at him and smiled. “I mean, as long as you make it up to her whilst it’s still her birthday.”

Billie laughed and nodded. “Okay, okay, how about I’ll buy everyone dinner, let's go somewhere nice, and I'll invite my mom, so go get dressed into some evening wear.”

It would be nice for our mothers to meet, it felt kind of… serious, like somewhat of a big deal, but in a positive way.

“Should I wear a dress then?” I bemused. “Or just jeans and a nice shirt?”

“Just something fancy,” He replied without actually answering my question, moving all the bags into the kitchen so he could start putting everything away. “You go get ready, I’ll catch up, it will only take me ten minutes.”

I rolled my eyes at him. Yeah, because men don’t have stupid beauty standards like women do. Billie’s style was scruffy and he got away with it if I did that I’d get humiliated - flogged in public.

I walked upstairs and looked through my wardrobe. Nothing seemed right, and nothing fit anymore. I hadn’t bought a fancy maternity dress as I never imagined myself going out somewhere upmarket whilst pregnant. I frantically started searching through the room; in a panic, I’d have nothing to wear I tossed clothes from one side of the room to the other.

I almost gave up when I found a black stretchy dress which would fit over my bump, but it’d be noticeable. At least the dress would only go to just above my knees and had long sleeves to hide my arms. I cringed at the thought of how clingy the dress looked. I hated showing off my body normally, let alone how big it was getting whilst pregnant.

I was reminded of how I felt when I was younger, bigger, and the fat kid in school - the one with no confidence.

I built up the courage to wear it regardless and took a quick shower; using most my time in applying my makeup and curling my hair.

I walked downstairs - sideways and awkwardly in heels. I could hear everyone talking in the living room, including Ollie who must have drove over. Did I take that long? Would I be overdressed? I mean it was just family.

I hesitated on the next step, my foot hovering over it. Should I run back up and get changed into something less revealing? I sighed. No, I had already taken too long.

I took the final few steps and clicked my heels down the hallway and into the living room.

“Sorry I took so long,” I apologised, announcing my presence at the same time. Everyone turned their heads to look at me and I went a deep shade of red. “What?” I asked, bewildered by the sudden attention.

Billie’s mouth was agape. Ollie and my mother grinned ear to ear - I don’t think they had seen me out of comfortable wear in a long time. With my bump being noticeable I felt awkward standing there, I felt like everyone was staring at my body.

I quickly adjusted my dress and shifted my weight from one leg to the other. “So, are we good to go?” I arched my brow and placed my hand onto my hip. I was trying to get everyone’s attention away from me and out the front door.

Billie walked up to me and planted a firm kiss on my lips, not caring about our mothers watching since they were in the same room… I was never a fan of PDA. “Yeah, we’re good,” He smirked. “You look Goddamn amazing, by the way.”

I blushed and looked away. I was still not used to the compliments I was receiving - being the large socially awkward kid growing up I couldn’t change my confidence like I had changed my outer appearance. “Thank you,” I replied softly.

Luckily I wasn’t the only one dressed to the nines - my mother and Ollie wore evening dresses as well, and even Billie was wearing a smart maroon button shirt (albeit, the sleeves rolled up and the collar button undone) and black smart trousers.

Along with the amazing cologne he was wearing, and my pregnancy hormones surging through my body, I had a quick daydream about ripping his shirt off and having my way with him on the couch.

I blinked my self out of it, slightly flustered when I saw Billie still smiling at me, his green eyes locked with mine; making my heart beat faster.

“Let’s go then,” I declared, trying not to overwhelm myself and forcing myself out the front door.

Billie drove us about half-hour north to an upscale restaurant that looked a little too fancy for my liking. Fine dining wasn’t my thing, mainly because I didn’t want to pay $60 for a starter that didn’t touch the sides.

We were sat down by the waiter, but Billie ensured he pulled out my chair for me; it was very chivalrous and he was probably trying to impress our mothers, and judging by their reaction it was working.

As we sat around the table, Ollie and my mother ended up speaking most of the night; getting to know each other quite well, whilst Billie and I joked and talked nonsense like normal.

I leant over to whisper in Billie’s ear. “I think they’re getting on.”

Billie looked from me to our mothers and smiled. “Yeah, I think so, too.”

I wish my mother would move to America. She could easily have friends over here, be close to me and her only grandchild, and have so many new opportunities.

“Do you think your mom would say yes if we asked her to move over?” Billie glanced to me. I giggled, which was met with an arch of a brow from Billie. “What?” He asked.

“I was just thinking that,” I smiled. “I’ve asked her so many times, and the answer is always no,” I sighed; but I do wish it was a yes. Perhaps if we kept asking she’d eventually give in.

We carried on eating our way through our three-course meal, talking about our future without lingering on the events from the past - Billie and I hinting all the way through how great it is living in America with family, hopefully giving my mother enough food for thought.

The food, although I had gone in thinking I wouldn’t be impressed, was probably the best meal I had ever had in my life, and my mother felt the same. She was so grateful to Billie that when he picked up the tab she didn’t stop thanking him until the moment we walked into the house.

We were all so exhausted from our day that we all said our goodnights and went straight to bed - Ollie was staying over as it was more convenient for her to use the guest room than to go back home as she was too tired to drive, and Billie didn’t mind at all.

I snuggled up to Billie in our bed, taking in his warmth. I could still smell his cologne on his chest. I felt so relaxed and content. I looked up to him and did something I didn’t normally do and advanced first, kissing him softly on the lips. Billie cupped my face gently with his hand and responded by kissing me back deeper.

We were getting pretty into it when we heard the doorbell frantically go off, followed by some pretty heavy knocks on the door.

Billie peeled his body away from mine, looking confused at the bedroom door then back to me. I could tell he half wanted to ignore the knocks and continue our make-out session, but the other half wanted to angrily shout at whoever was going to stop him from continuing to kiss me.

The knocks continued, Billie groaned. “Fucks sake!”

He rolled out of bed, dressing himself in a baggy shirt and pyjama bottoms so he could answer the door with some modesty. “Stay here, I’ll go check it out.”

I sat up in bed, pulling the duvet up around myself, getting increasingly worried. I heard the door open and talking, but couldn’t quite make it out. My heart started racing with adrenaline and so I threw the duvet to the side and stood up.

I was only in an oversized cotton shirt, so I crept down the stairs just enough to get within earshot of the conversation between Billie and the stranger without revealing myself.

“What are you doing here this late?” I heard Billie say, I could hear the annoyance in his voice.

“You haven’t responded to my text,” A female voice angrily replied.

Sasha.

My eyes widened. What was she doing here this late? Was this woman a psycho? I felt unnerved by her presence but felt unable to do anything to calm the situation.

“Probably because I blocked your number,” He spat back.

“You’ve blocked me?!” She yelled, pretty loud. Loud enough for everyone in the house to hear.

I heard a door click behind me and then another. When I looked to the top of the stairs I could see both mothers stood there looking very confused. Ollie didn’t know, but my mother had a good idea as to what was happening.

“Of course I have, you’re a liar and a fucking nutcase,” He snapped, perhaps going a bit far - I did warn him she could go to the press with anything he said to her. “The baby is not mine, I want a DNA test and I want you to leave me the fuck alone!” He yelled, proceeding to slam the door shut - I imagine right in her face, which would only fuel her anger more.

I sighed deeply, looking to the top of the stairs where our parents stood in disbelief, then back down.

He’s really screwed up now. She may be crazy, but it was thin ice to tread.

I walked down the rest of the stairs, catching Billie’s attention. “Billie, be careful what you say to her, she’s starting to scare me,” I urged, pointing to the front door. She wasn’t there anymore, perhaps she had stormed off to call an editor straight away.

“I’ll say what I like,” He snapped.

I blinked. He stared at me.

I think we were both taken aback - I don’t think he had meant to snap at me, but he was volatile, like a volcano about to erupt.

Billie reached his hand out to me and went to say something - perhaps an apology when Ollie interjected. “Don’t talk to Jenni like that, she’s trying to help you, considering you’ve gone and knocked up another girl it’s a wonder she’s still stood here!” Ollie bellowed, standing in front of me to defend me. My mother must have told her. Thanks Mom. The pair had followed me downstairs quiet enough for me not to notice.

“It has nothing to do with you,” Billie sneered, looking between my mother and his mother. “I didn’t even want you to know, did you tell her?” He turned to my mother who didn’t want to be a part of this argument and pointed his finger angrily at her. “It wasn’t your place to tell her!” He yelled, feeling the sense that all three women in his presence were mad at him, which just annoyed him further.

I could feel the situation getting out of hand, quickly. “Don’t yell at my mom, oh my God Billie!” I argued back. If my mom had started to take a disliking to Billie earlier, she was definitely going to dislike him now.

She would never move to America with all this drama.

He turned to me, his face turning from one of anger to sadness. “Jen, please don’t,” He pleaded, not wanting to fight with me; perhaps realising he was taking it out on the wrong crowd.

Ollie didn’t back down though, and I think I saw steam coming out of her ears - I could see where Billie got his stubbornness from. “I didn’t raise you to speak to people in such a horrible manner, Billie!” She swatted him. “Yvonne was only trying to help me make sense as to why a stranger was yelling at you at midnight!”

“Jesus Christ! It is literally NOTHING to do with you, so stay out of it!” He bellowed.

Ollie and Billie were getting louder and louder each time they jabbed at each other with worthless snide comments, their voices echoed down the hallway.

My lower body tingled, my throat closed up, and a sharp stabbing pain in my stomach ensued. I stumbled up the stairs to the bathroom and threw up all of the food that was sat in my stomach. I threw up so much my stomach ached, and my throat burned.

I flushed the toilet before sitting on the seat to pee. I dropped my head into my hands, feeling beads of sweat drip from my forehand and into the palms of my hands - I felt exhausted.

I could still hear Billie and Ollie arguing downstairs, I didn’t want to go back down, I just wanted to hide under the covers in my bed. I felt like a kid and my parents were arguing for the third time that day.

When I was done peeing I wiped but I paused for a moment when I noticed blood on the paper, so I wiped again in a mad panic. Still blood.

I felt faint, and I instantly felt like a failure. I stood up and flushed the toilet, watching the red-stained tissues spiral down the toilet.

What have I done?

Billie and his mother’s persistent arguing never ceased in the background. I wasn’t paying attention to the words that they were saying anymore. I didn’t care. It was pointless arguing.

I splashed my face with cold water - noticing that all the colour had drained from it. I slowly made my way downstairs, my pulse racing, I was still sweating profusely, and I was shaking like a leaf.

“Guys,” I gasped as loud as I could, but in my worry and amidst the fighting it sounded like a whisper. “Guys,” I repeated a bit louder.

“What?!” Billie yelled, diverting his attention to me.

“I don’t feel too good,” I mumbled, it felt like the walls were closing in on me. I looked to Billie, my vision narrowed as my breath quickened. “I-.”

Thud.

The shouting stopped immediately; their faces were painted with concern. For a moment everyone was frozen in panic, then, in a split second, it was chaos again. Everyone rushed around me, cooing and insinuating everything was going to be okay.

Was it? I had been trying to convince myself that everything was going to be okay, but it didn’t seem to be working.

I could hear their voices, faintly. I fluttered my eyes open… had I fainted? I felt dazed and confused as I looked around. I had a high pitched noise in my ear and blurry vision which didn’t help.

The fresh air from the outside helped to orientate me as I looked up to Billie - I was being carried outside, then I was placed gently into the front passenger seat of his car. My mothers jumped into the back of the car with us as Billie sped off, from what I could make out it sounded like they were taking me to the hospital.

“I’m so sorry,” Billie blurted, as we were stopped at an intersection. He bit his nails so much you could see the white underneath. He revved his engine, his patience waiting for the light to change colour wearing thin. “I’m so fucking sorry,” He turned his head to look at me, and I caught his guilty gaze.

I didn’t say a word, I just looked away. I stared out the passenger window and let out a heavy sigh.

I had let myself become consumed by stress, and look where I ended up. Why didn’t I listen to my advice from earlier on in the day? Why couldn’t my life just be mediocre?

I couldn’t get stressed, I just couldn’t. It wouldn’t be healthy for the baby.

I think it was too late for advice now.