It's Easier Than It Seems

Billie's heavy eyes finally opened; succumbed to the morning light in a desperate battle between asleep and awake. The long fight lasted all of ten minutes before Billie rolled over with a groan and buried his head into his arm to escape from the light. He lifted his leg up closer to his body when his knee buried into something unfamiliar and warm, and his eyes finally shot fully open for the first time.

What he saw was unclear, a mass, perhaps a person? They smelt sweet, like of a fruit smoothie. He sat up to get a better view and that's when his mind clearly focused; it was only Sasha.

Recently Billie wasn't used to waking up next to someone. Though for as long as he could remember he always seemed to have someone next to him in bed, whether or not that made him the dependant type or not he didn't care as long as he had someone to come home to that loved him.

But as he stared down at Sasha with her blonde hair draped across the pillow, he realised this wasn't what he wanted, dependant or not.

She wasn't even Billie's type. He liked brunettes with a dry sense of humour, and perhaps a taste for the 'darker' side of life... Sasha was the polar opposite and he had tried to convince himself that something more permanent could come of their dating. But it wouldn't, the only thing that came from Sasha was a good night that he soon regretted in the morning.

He sighed deeply to himself and swung his legs off of his bed and settled his feet firmly on the floor. He hung his body low; head held in his hands as he mulled over his choices in life.

His ears perked up when he heard the bed rustle behind him; she was waking up, but what would he say to her? He couldn't just break up with her now, not whilst they were awkwardly naked in bed, but if not now, then when? Billie would convince himself not to if not now.

He tilted his head back to look at a stirring Sasha who slowly looked around, a hint of confusion spread across her face. She sat up slowly and looked to Billie, the confusion warmly changing into a smile. “Hey,” She greeted him.

Billie bit his lip and looked away. “Hi,” He said with an emptiness inside, like he had carved the remainder of his emotions out and all that was left was a hollow shell of a man.

Sasha hadn't known Billie long, in fact she didn't know him at all, but she could sense in one word that Billie didn't feel as happy as herself. She felt her eyes prickle and wasn't sure why; she hadn't fallen for Billie, in fact she had been using him as much as he had been using her, but there was a sense of comfort that followed with the need to fill an empty void. It distracted the mind from talking to itself in a downwards spiral of depression; Billie helped her to forget what had happened in the past, even for a moment... it was worth it. But with that moment threatened she could feel all of the unwanted thoughts and feelings rush back as she began to sob in his bed.

They sat in complete silence and acted like two negative magnets. Billie didn't even have the guts to comfort Sasha as she sat crying, he felt like sobbing himself. He finally looked back at her to see a broken woman, someone he hadn't seen before, someone he hadn't even cared for. There was a huge pang of guilt hitting his stomach, he hadn't even asked about her story—who she really was. He just had sex with her to feel a bit better about himself.

“I'm sorry,” He softly spoke, breaking the aching silence.

Sasha lifted her head and looked to him, her face now red and puffy from the tears. She shook her head slowly. “Don't be, we used each other,” She stated, lifting herself out of bed and putting back on the clothes she wore the night before. She glanced to Billie as she slung her bag over her shoulder in an almost final farewell. “I'll take a morning after pill, don't worry.”

Billie's jaw slowly dropped, his eyes widening like he was about to be hit by a train. Had he really been that careless last night? “We didn't use protection?”

She shook her head in reply, getting out a small compact foundation and applying a little bit of make up to her face. “No, you didn't.”

He ran his hand through his hair. “You don't know how sorry I am, Sasha.”

“I do,” She said, popping the foundation back in her bag. She tied her hair up into a tight pony tail and started to walk towards the door. “Just don't call me again, and I won't call you,” and with a final glance back to Billie she turned and made her way through Billie's house till he heard the front door open and close with a quiet 'clink'.

What had he done?

***

“Has anyone ever told you that you go into these weird trances?” I heard a voice saying; rousing me from my day dream.

I smiled softly; it was Will. “A few times,” I replied, thinking back to when Billie used to tell me how I would go into a trance; fixated on my thoughts.

He grinned at me, perking his bottom onto the corner of my desk. He folded his arms and looked out of the window towards the grim streets below. It was raining today; it was always raining. The sky was grey and dull, the world below slow and weary. I loved this kind of weather, it was beautifully hollow.

“I got a job,” He said, refraining from looking to me. I couldn't tell if he was happy or sad from the tone of his voice.

I raised my brow in confusion to his secrecy. “Where?”

He turned to look at me, then all of a sudden lifted off his feet into the air and let out a high pitched sequel. “VOGUE!” He exclaimed at the top of his voice—unable to stop himself from showing his excitement.

I matched his excitement and shot up from my seat to hug him. “Oh my God! Congratulations Will!” I hugged him tightly, I was glad he finally had his dream. “I'm so happy for you!”

Will grinned and pulled out of the hug. “Thank you honey, now when are you going?”

My brow furrowed in confusion as I stepped back. “What do you mean?”

“Well I know you hate this job as much as I do, and if I can fulfil my dream, why can't you?” He asked me.

“Because my dream has changed,” I truthfully admitted, looking around the room to see that there was no one nearby. I sat down at my desk and patted the chair next to me as an invitation for Will to sit. “What I'm about to tell... please... do not share it... to anyone.”

Will looked scared, almost like I was going to tell him I was a member of the CIA, or that I had murdered someone. “Okay, I promise.”

“Good,” I smiled softly. “Well...” I paused, trying to find the right way to say it. “I uh... I'm pregnant.”

Will smacked his hand over his jaw to stop anything escaping. “What?!” He whispered.

I giggled and looked away. “I just found out myself... it's Billie's,” I stopped to sigh. “He's moved on, too, he has a girlfriend and everything.”

Will flapped his hand towards me. “Pft, like that means anything! You're his baby mama, he has to take care of you, unless he's a real scum bag.”

“He's not, but it's more complicated then it seems you know," I said, thinking about my whole situation again. I shifted uncomfortably in my chair and looked up to Will.

Will rolled his eyes in reply and grabbed my hand, hoisting me up from my chair. “Come on, we're going shopping.”

***

Will and I wandered out of our office building to be met with the rain that just kept on falling, but Will told me we didn't have far to travel. In fact we ran two blocks and stopped outside of a colourful store aptly named 'Giggle'.

“Will I don't know about this... besides I'm only two months pregnant,” I said, looking towards Will. I was hesitant about the idea of doing anything regarding babies. It made me more neurotic and anxious than I already was.

“All the more reason to immerse yourself then,” He insisted, dragging me inside the store.

“How can I help the lovely couple?” Beamed a shop colleague, who stood the same height as me but looked like I could snap her with my little finger. “How far gone are you, you aren't carrying any weight at all!”

“She's seven months pregnant,” Will replied, making me bite my lip to hold back a laugh. “We just want to look at some newborn clothes please.”

The colleague looked to us in confusion but didn't question it and led us down towards the 'first wardrobe' clothes.

Everything was so small yet so large at the same time. When I thought about how something of that size was classed as a newborn I shuddered at the thought that that meant I had squeeze something of that proportion out of me.

But yet... I couldn't help but smile at how cute some of the things were, though. There were cute little all in one bodies with pastel colours and cartoon animals on, and they made my heart gush; I felt very broody in an instant.

“Look at this!” I said in awe, lifting up a tiny lion costume for a newborn. “A baby lion! Oh Will it's adorable!” I gushed, grasping at a basket and shoving it in, not even caring about my bank.

Then all of a sudden I was excited... I was having a baby. A baby. It was the first rush of excitement I had felt since I found out I was pregnant, all I had felt was dread and fear, but somehow I could see the silver lining, the happiness, and I knew deep down that everything was going to be alright.

**

Staring down into the bottom of a glass, Billie couldn't say the same. In fact he was pretty sure he was at the end of his tether, and that one more push really would send him over the edge.

He topped his drink up full ready to feel the burn of another shot of alcohol; it felt much better than the pain in his heart and head, but he didn't want to feel anything.

He wanted to cut off any contact with the outside world and just wallow in self pity. He cared about his sons but they were better without him, and he wasn't on best terms with Mike and Tré to even care about the band.

He wasn't motivated nor inspired to get up and think positively; he simply didn't care.

Billie flicked through his phone and scrolled through his contacts, not seeing a single name that he wanted to talk to. He promptly deleted Sasha as soon as he saw her name from his phone, before scrolling back up to see 'Jenni'. He hovered over it for awhile—almost hesitating what to do next, Billie sighed and hit the delete button, wiping the entry from his contact list.

As he sat completely alone in his house, with only the ticking of the clock on the wall behind him and his drink to keep him company, he realised that for now that was all he needed, and that was all he wanted.

Complete and utter solitude.

***

“Have you heard from Billie recently?” Tré asked Mike, walking into the studio drumsticks in hand. “He's ignoring all my calls.”

Mike looked slowly to Tré. “No I haven't,” He lied, not telling Tré about his last encounter with Billie. “I'm sure he's fine... probably with Sasha or something.”

Tré shifted from one foot to the other and put his drumsticks down. “Mike he needs help, doesn't he?”

Mike rolled his eyes. “He needs to grow up and get over it, it was a simple break up.”

Tré furrowed his brow. “Listen to yourself,” He snarled. “Do you even care about your best friend!? He went through two fucking divorces... FOUR break ups this past year. He loved Adie and she broke his heart, and then Jenni went and did the same... Billie is heart broken and you don't even care.”

Mike chewed his lip, bowing his head away from Tré. “That's not true, I just think he's gone a bit overboard, and he won't let us help,” He explained. “But okay, I'll go see how he is tomorrow morning, and we'll sort something out then.”

Tré smiled and nodded. “See... that wasn't too hard was it?”

“Don't push your luck, Tré.”

***

“I can't believe I bought so much!” I giggled, hauling in a dozen bags from various shops. I put them on the floor, nearly tripping over a few just to reach my living room. “Thanks for today,” I smiled. “It's really helped.”

Will shrugged and leaned on my door frame. “No problem, I hope everything goes well... we'll stay in touch though, right?”

I nodded and grinned. “Of course I will... Will,” I giggled. “And congratulations again on the Vogue job, I'm really proud of you for achieving your dream.”

“It took a long time, but it was worth it... remember that,” Will said, beaming a smile at me. “They don't come over night; they take a lot of work.”

“Oh, trust me, I know,” I agreed, as I had been going after my dream for what felt like far too long, but I knew I had a lot more to do before I could say I had achieved it.

My first point of call was to tell Billie about the baby, and if I could only get over the fear that was planted inside of my brain that would be a done deal, but it was harder than that. So many things were holding me back—I was scared of how he would react, I was scared of seeing him again. I was scared that in reality it wasn't going to be fine and dandy, and it would in fact make my life a lot harder if he knew and didn't like what I told him.

But at least he was happy without me in California; if he had been the opposite I don't think I could have lived with myself for ruining a perfectly good man...

No. I don't think I would ever forgive myself at all.