It's Easier Than It Seems

I was lost somewhere between flicking through a gossip magazine and staring aimlessly at a half dead fern in the corner of Billie's hospital room. He had dozed off soon after he first woke up and I couldn't get to sleep; there was just too much on my mind to rest.

I sighed and slapped the magazine down onto the table. I had given up reading about the scandalous thing some Z-list celebrity had done, and staring off into the distance only hurt my eyes even more than they already did.

I walked out of the room in search of some light entertainment but stopped in my tracks when I saw Mike at the drinks machine. I tilted my head and watched him wait for his coffee to be made, the tapping of his foot made me smile as I slowly made my way up to him. “You still here?” I croaked, causing him to jump.

“Oh... hey,” He replied, yawning. “Yeah I haven't left, nor slept.”

“Same here,” I smiled, crossing my arms and looking up to him. “Is Tré still here?”

Mike shook his head and collected his coffee from the machine. He blew on it and shook his head before taking a sip. “Nope, he went home an hour or two ago after he fell asleep on me.”

I giggled at the thought of the two snuggled up to each other unintentionally, but stopped when Mike's face remained stone cold. “What's up?” I asked in confusion, knowing full well that Mike had been in bitch mode since I got back to California, but I at least thought he'd try and patch things up.

“We need to talk,” He replied, calmly; too calmly.

I already knew what it was about.

I rolled my eyes and groaned, fuck you, Tré.

“He didn't mean to tell me if that's any constellation—he was half asleep and worried,” He replied. “But please tell me that's not the only reason you're back.”

I paced up and down, running my hand down my tired face and tucking a loose strand of brown hair behind my ears. “I... uhm,” I looked back at Mike with a mixture of despair and anger. “Of course not.”

Mike nodded slowly and looked to me—his face not warming up any time soon. “I sure hope so, because you better not break his heart again.”

I tilted my head slowly, seeing a completely different side to the bassist then I had before. I understood they were best friends, but there was no reason to be a complete asshole. “Is that a threat, Mike?”

He just shrugged and started to walk off with his coffee in his hand. “Don't make it one.”

I watched him walk off down the hallway back to the waiting room, and felt a cold shiver run down my spine as I realised the reality of it all. I knew coming back to California wouldn't be easy, but I didn't imagine it to be this hard.

I ran my hand down my face, tired and upset, I turned on my heel and walked slowly back into Billie's room.

“I wondered where you went,” A voice said, causing me to jump out of my skin. “Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.”

I looked over to see Ollie, who was now awake, but still buried deep inside her fleece blanket. “Have you been up all night?” She asked, shifting in her chair slightly. I only nodded in reply before sitting back down in my chair opposite Billie. “You should get some rest, do you have a hotel? You could always stay at my house.”

I smiled softly at her offer. “I'm fine, I've had about twenty cups of coffee so I'm good for about forty-eight hours.”

Ollie giggled at my caffeine overdose then removed the blanket from herself and stretched like a cat. “There will be a therapist here at ten, hopefully Billie will be awake then,” She stated, I nodded again, unable to bring my self to say anything.

“You know...” Ollie started again, breaking the silence between us. “He never stopped thinking about you when you were gone.”

I looked slowly to her, biting my thumb nail. “This is my fault, isn't it?” I asked, looking down at my lap.

She sighed heavily and walked over to me. “Honey, no,” She said, wrapping an arm around me and kneeling down beside me. “It was everything, it just got too much for him.”

“But I'm partly to blame,” I looked to her, tears in my eyes.

She smiled softly and wiped the tears away with her thumb. “Don't be silly, he did it to himself, don't blame yourself... he loves you, you know.”

I shrugged. “I don't know, after what I did to him... I could understand if he hated me. I mean we were going so well, and I just messed it all up by leaving, I'm so stupid.”

“Now you're just thinking like Billie, and look where that got him,” She replied, signalling towards Billie. “Stay strong... not just for you, for both of you.”

For a second, my stomach flipped. Did she mean the baby and I, or Billie and I? I tilted my head at her and looked slowly to Billie. Surely she didn't know already?

“He needs you to be strong, he's going to have to lean on you for awhile,” She replied in a calm manner, signalling to a sleeping Billie next to her.

I sighed a sigh of relief and sat back in my chair. Thank God. “I know,” I quietly replied and glanced to the clock. “What time did you say the therapist would be here?”

“Ten,” Ollie answered.

I groaned in frustration, why was time moving so slowly? All I wanted was for Billie to wake up so we could finally have a proper conversation without him falling asleep.

All we managed was a simple hello before he was back out of it.

“You should try and get some rest,” Ollie said, suddenly putting the fleece blanket over me.

I went to take it off but she insisted I kept it on. “I won't fall asleep, not in here.”

“Well do you want to go back to my home and sleep there?” She asked.

I shook my head in reply, too shy to take up such an offer, and not wanting to leave Billie's side. “No thank you, I guess I'll try and get some rest here.”

I burrowed myself into the warmth of the blanket, feeling snug and warm I closed my eyes and hoped to wake up to the sound of Billie's laughter.

But although I had almost completely buried myself into the blanket, I could still hear the beeps of Billie's machine, and I could still hear all the hub-bub of the daily hospital life going on around me, and it put me on edge. How anyone could fall asleep in such a place without being on medication was unknown to me, but then again... hospitals had always made me nervous.

**

“Jen,” A voice called out softly. “Jen, wake up.”

I stirred from my slumber, groggy with a dull headache from lack of sleep. I lifted my head from the comfort of Ollie's fleece blanket, and with dazed eyes I glanced around the room. I shifted uncomfortably in the plastic white hospital chair before blinking a few times to see Ollie, Billie, and Billie's older brother Alan.

Had I fallen asleep? How embarrassing!

“The psychologist will be here soon, did you want to stay?” Ollie asked me.

I glanced to Billie who had finally woken himself up in time for ten o'clock. He gave me an askew smile that didn't really tell me if he wanted me to stay with him or not.

“I'll uh,” I paused, gulping, I looked away from Billie back to Ollie. “I think I'll wait outside.”

Ollie sighed, looking slowly to Billie as if to tell him to ask me to stay. Instead I stood up slowly, putting the blanket over the chair and grabbing my bag off of the floor. “I should be going,” I said, and looked back to Billie. “Bye.”

Billie bit into his thumb nail almost like he was hesitating to say something to me, and at the same time; I hesitated back.

“Actually if you're stepping out maybe you could fetch some of Billie's things for his stay,” Alan cut in abruptly, forcing my attention onto him. “I can drive you there.”

“She can stay if she really wants to, Alan,” Ollie spoke, standing out of her chair with authority. “She has every right.”

Alan groaned and rolled his eyes—this was our first time meeting, and I felt like I was making such a bad impression already.

“Look, if she's waiting outside anyway then I don't see what's the problem!” Alan exclaimed. “At least make her useful!”

My mouth dropped in shock. “Hey! I'm standing right here!”

“Guys!” Billie shouted, causing everyone to stare at him with wide eyes—we hadn't really heard him talk, let alone shout since his overdose. “Stop fighting! I think you all need a damn shrink!” He joked, at least, I hoped.

I smiled softly and looked to his older brother. “He's right, enough quarrelling,” I agreed. “Let's go.”

**

“I've heard a lot about you,” Alan remarked, rummaging through Billie's wardrobe.

I peered over my shoulder at him; still folding a shirt in my hand as I did so. “Really? Anything bad?” I asked, hoping that Alan had heard about the positive side to our relationship, not the break up.

“No, not really,” He replied, not bothering to look at me in reply.

I looked back to Alan and raised a brow. “Not really? What's that supposed to mean?” I asked again, folding my arms at the taller man.

Alan let out a light chuckle and placed a firm hand on my shoulder. “Relax,” He smiled. “I heard positive--for the most part, but he was pretty bitter about the break up.”

I sighed and looked away, Alan looked too much like Billie to hear this. In fact he was the spitting image—except he was taller, had dark brown hair, and had no tattoos.

“You did what you had to, but you've realised your mistake, right? You've learnt from it, and that's what's important here,” Alan said, going back to the wardrobe to fetch another shirt. “Billie will realise that, too.”

I tilted my head, watching Alan put away a shirt into a bag and smiled. “Really?” I asked.

He looked to me and smiled warmly. “Really, and look—I'm really sorry for snapping at you in the hospital, that was uncool.”

I laughed lightly and shook my head. “It's okay, we're all a bit stressed... and I needed to make myself useful anyway.”

Once we had finishing over-packing Billie's clothes for his stay in the hospital, and possibly a stint in rehab, we walked downstairs to fetch some things Billie had requested—phone, camera, notepad, pen, and his keys.

“Check the kitchen for his keys would you?” Alan asked, walking off into the living presumably to look for everything else on the list.

I looked towards the kitchen and back to where Alan was standing only moments before. “The kitchen? A-Are you sure they would be there?” I asked, stumbling over my words.

Had Alan not been told how I had found Billie in the kitchen?

I sighed deeply, it's not like I could have a fear of kitchens for the rest of my life. I braced myself and put one foot in front of the other all the way till I was one step in the kitchen, and a whole load of unwanted memories came flooding back. Needless to say I took one step back till I was in the hallway again.

“Have you found them yet?” I heard Alan's voice call out from afar.

I looked around, and rolled my eyes. “No, not yet!” I yelled back to him. “I don't think they're in here!” I lied.

When I heard footsteps coming closer I turned around quickly and smiled when I saw Alan walking over to me. “What?” He asked, confusion spread across his face.

“Nothing!” I smiled, stepping aside to let him in the kitchen. I watched him walk around and pick up the keys off of a counter smack bang in the middle of the kitchen.

He held them up and pointed to them at me, dumbfounded how I wouldn't have saw them.

I laughed a mixture of fear and nerves, shrugging it off to him. “Silly me, didn't see them there,” I lied again. “Do you have everything else there?” I asked, pointing to the bag in Alan's hand.

“Yeah...” He paused. “Uh... right, we should get going then,” He said, sounding more like it was a question, rather than something he was about to do.

We made our way back to the car, both of us sat in an awkward silence as I attempted to do up my seat belt for the third time.

“Shit,” Alan cursed, looking to me. I felt his eyes on me and turned my head to face him.

“What?” I questioned. “Did we leave something?”

“No,” He shook his head in reply. “You found him in the kitchen, didn't you?”

I sighed and looked away. “Yeah, I did,” I continued to stare out the window, unable to bring myself to look at him. “But it's okay, because he's alright now, he's in safe hands,” I finally looked back to Alan who didn't even have my attention, he was also sat staring out of the window.

“It must have been hard... seeing him like that,” Alan sighed. “I didn't realise, I'm so sorry,” He apologised, looking back to me with a sad face Billie had held so many times before.

I smiled and placed a hand softly on Alan's arm. “Like I said, it's okay.”

He met my smile with his own and nodded, starting up the engine of the car. “Yeah,” He nodded. “I think it is.”

**

“Could you just get the fuck out of my room?!”

I looked to Alan sharply, before we both started dashing down the hallway towards Billie's room to see what all the commotion was.

Inside stood a tall woman—hair thick and as golden as sand, her body toned and L.A slim, her clothes tailored to fit, and her stilettos five inches off the floor. This woman meant business, and her demeanour was over powering. I felt like an ant again, like I was back in New York.

“What's going on here?” Alan asked, causing the woman to turn and look at us with burning eyes. “Who the heck are you!?” He exclaimed, staring the woman down.

“I'm Billie's, let's say, boss, shall we?” She said, cockily, giving Alan the look-over, then looking towards me. “Oh, isn't is the precious girl who made her boyfriend OD?” She grinned at me, causing me to scowl. “Back for more?”

“Bite me,” I growled back, folding my arms in an attempt to look as powerful and dominant as she did.

She instead completely ignored me and looked over her shoulder at Billie. “Go to rehab, sort your head out, and get back to me with your music,” She said bluntly. “See you soon, honey,” She smirked, clicking her heels as she made her exit out of the room.

I stared dumbfounded at Billie, not believing he could work for such a cold hearted bitch.

“Well that was a character,” Alan joked, putting Billie's bags onto one of the chairs next to his bed. “What did you do to her?”

Billie looked to Alan and shrugged slowly. “I have no fucking clue, bitch just comes out of nowhere and tells me I should have listened to her, because now my reputation is damaged.”

“What?!” Alan replied, looking to the doorway as if she had left some evil presence in the room. “That cow, your reputation is fine—you're a rock star!”

“Well apparently I don't appeal to teenagers any more, because why would they look up to some, and I quote, 'self absorbed depressant', unquote,” Billie sneered, signalling air quotes as he did so. “I don't know, I don't even know if I want to rejoin the band.”

“What?” I asked, gaining courage to speak to Billie out of nowhere.

This also caused shock to Billie—who may have forgotten I was stood in the room as he looked to me quickly and slouched down in his bed.

“I don't know if I can get back into music,” He replied quietly, looking to his hands in self defeat.

I walked over to his bedside and lifted his chin to look at me. “No, you are not moping,” I ordered, with a stern look on my face. “Maybe that psycho chic was right! Who'd want to listen to a 30 something emo?”

Billie's mouth dropped open in complete shock; he may have expected me to sugar coat things, and to wrap him up in cotton wool but I wasn't planning to. I was going to forcibly pull him out of his depression... mainly because I knew I was part of the reason why he was even going through it in the first place.

“Excuse me?” He replied, looking to Alan as back up, but he remained quiet with a bemused look across his face. “You barge back into my life after breaking up with me, and tell me to just stop moping like it'll fix things?!”

I shook my head in reply. “No, I don't, but I don't think you're going to fix anything with the attitude you have.”

“What do you expect, I mean really?! I'd wake up and think, thank fuck I didn't kill myself?!” Billie shouted back, the barriers around him slowly crumbling. “I hate that I'm here, I hate that I have a therapist who'd rather make me feel like dirt than help me, and I hate the fact you came back after everything!”

I bit my lip, now feeling guilty as ever. I broke the barrier down but it didn't feel good—it just left me with an empty hole in my heart and a sick feeling in my stomach. Alan and I hadn't even asked how it went with the therapist--how could we have been so stupid?

I looked to the floor in defeat, swallowing down a lump in my throat. “I'm sorry,” I apologised quietly, almost in a whisper.

“I told you you shouldn't have come back,” He snapped back, making me feel even worse than before.

I slowly lifted my head, thankful I had bangs to cover my watering eyes. “You seemed elated last night,” I replied quietly.

“I don't even remember last night, I was high off whatever the fuck they gave me for the pain I was in,” Billie replied, not accepting my apology in the slightest.

“Or what about this morning? You didn't seem to mind me being at your bedside,” I carried on, pushing his buttons. “What was it Billie?” I asked. “Did the therapist say something?”

“Yes,” He simply replied. “That you're the problem.”

“What?!” I exclaimed, smelling a lie coming out of his mouth. “No! You are not playing that card, Billie,” I spat, pointing toward him. “I may have left you in pieces but it was up to you to pick them back up again, I'm sorry I hurt you but I didn't shove those pills down your throat, or tell you to quit Green Day!”

Billie quietened down, unable to fight back any more. His lips wobbled in reply and I knew what was soon coming. “You're right,” He quietly said. “You're fucking right, okay?” He looked to me, tears brimming from his eyes. He looked slowly up to the ceiling and then back down to me with a soft smile. “I just... I...,” Billie choked up, unable to speak any more; he brought his hands up to his face and found himself suddenly uncontrollably sobbing.

I looked up to where Alan was, only to realise he must have left the room midst of the argument so we could let out any pent up frustration.

I slowly looked back to Billie, who was broken, down and defeated. This wasn't the man I knew—and he was right. I had expected he would wake up instantly regretting his suicide and would be back to his usual self, but I was wrong. This was going to take work—we'd have to work through this.

“Please don't cry,” I whispered, walking up to his bedside and wrapping my arms around him. “I'm sorry,” I said, closing my eyes and snuffling into his hair.

“No, it's not your fault,” He replied into me, choking back tears and placing his hand on my arm; gripping into it like I was a life raft. “Fuck, it's not your fault,” He sobbed quietly, causing a lump to form in my throat again. I tried to push it back down but it resisted and I too started to cry. “I'm so fucking sorry, Jen, I don't even know why I'm doing this.. why I'm acting this way.”

I let Billie go and looked to him, smiling softly through the tears. “We're going to get through this, okay?”

Billie looked away, but my hands forced him to look back at my face. “I don't know, I don't know if I can get through this.”

I shook my head. “Not I, we, okay? We're going to get through this, together, I promise you... I'm not leaving your side, like it or not I'm here for the long ride now.”

Billie sincerely grinned back at me, warmth and happiness finally making an appearance. “It's good to have you back," He smiled, taking my hand and interlacing our fingers.

I looked down at our hands, wanting to cry not out of sorrow but out of happiness. "It's good to be back."