I Love You

Fifth grade; what a wonderful year it was. It was time for our yearly lollipop speeches, and I was excited. I had a very long one planned about my favourite book series and its authors. I arrived at school to hear that there was a new boy in class. I knew nothing about him, but it was nothing strange to have new students in the class. I had only glanced at him once or twice by lunch, though he was in my class. I ate with my friends on the stage, where they had the most comfortable benches. I was leaving through the side stairs to the hallway. It was a short walk town, only about six steps, but it was crowded. Suddenly I heard angry voices and like a spotlight in front of me, I saw two boys. One of my class, and then him, the new boy; it was my first good look at him. He was tall with broad shoulders, big eyes and ruffled brown hair. I found myself frozen in what I thought was fear when he confronted the other boy. It only lasted a moment when they broke apart and I squeezed past them like a mouse skittering to its hole around a cat.

Later, it was time for lollipop speeches. After my speech (which had taken 8 minutes) I asked for questions. This new boy was actually interested. No one else cared; I’d love the series for years already. They’d heard it all before, but he actually was interested. He asked questions and smiled and I realized that I’d judged him too quickly. Later at recess, I confronted him and told him about the game me and my friends played based off the books, and asked him to join. Later that week we had to do a trash pickup as a part of our green school program. We partnered up and walked and talked together until we found ourselves mostly alone.

“What would you say if I asked you out?” he asked me
Flushed, I acted as cool as I could be for a fifth grader, “I don’t know, yes I suppose.”
“Then will you go out with me?”
“Yes.”

Grade school relationships never last of course, he wanted to ask out a second girl at the same time so we broke things off of course. But from then on we were friends, and we were happy that way… for now.

Sixth grade rolled around, and he was still there. We were best friends, and I trusted him with everything. He trusted me with everything. He told me his secrets, and I told him mine. As the year continued to progress I realized something that shocked me, I had a crush on him. I couldn’t tell him, we had agreed we were good friends. We should stay like that; even though it killed me to listen to him list his crushes… my best friends as well. I always thought… look at me! I’m here, and I’d do anything for you... Then, I learned something even more shocking. He was moving. I was distraught, not only was I losing my best friend but I was losing the one person I knew I could trust. On the day of his leaving, I utilized one of my skills and made a short movie with the song ‘Lean on me’ by Bill Withers and voiced-over it how much I would miss him and we presented it to the class. I remember, looking at him and seeing the tears in his eyes. We cried together.

We tried to stay in contact, but it was no use. Slowly we drifted apart until one day in the seventh grade I finally set up a time to hang out. We talked together, and he asked me out once more. We spent the day together, happy and together. He even put his arm over my shoulder; the first romantic gesture I’d ever received from anyone. I was giddy with happiness. When we left, I told my friends, and we rejoiced. But weeks passed and we couldn’t get in contact until finally, I was told by a friend he was dating another girl. It broke my heart, and we didn’t speak for over a year.

Nearing the end of the eighth grade, I was at the mall with my friend. I had never stopped forgetting about the boy; about him. I never even started crushing on other guys, because he was everything I wanted. Then, in the store, he was there. I stopped, my entire body froze to ice and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It was him, HIM! There in the store. I rushed over, my entire body had lost feeling and I could feel my hands shaking rapidly. I approached him from behind and tapped on his shoulder. He looked at me the same way, and I couldn’t believe he was there, in front of me. Same, big eyes; I love his eyes. We exchanged phone numbers quickly and then we parted. It was over and done with, but I didn’t want it to be.

We were back in contact again, and we ended up meeting at the mall many times; the one where we were reunited in… the one I can’t return to anymore… We weren’t the best of friends, but we were friends. I learned that the girl whom had told me he was dating another girl had told him I had broken up with him. I hoped he’d ask me out again but he didn’t, but I was just happy he was my friend again. Slowly, he drifted apart once more, and my heart ached for him. Once I had graduated elementary school and began attending high school, I made a discovery…

I loved him. I loved the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, the way his face could be so expressive, the way he laughed at my jokes (even when they weren’t that funny). I loved the way I knew everything about him, and the way he thought I was so smart when really I’m not that much above average. I loved him, and everything about him. I accepted his flaws and embraced his beauties, and even when he wasn’t in my life I always knew that I loved him-and would do anything for him.

Though I had made this discovery, and my friends had gotten tired of hearing me talk about him, he was always on my mind. Everyone seemed to know it except for him. A thousand times I planned on telling him, but I never did.

Then in the summer between the ninth grade and the tenth grade, he started talking to me on facebook. After an hour of flirtatious comments he finally asked me again, he asked me to date him once more. Giddy and more joyful than I had ever been in my life, I made him prove he wasn’t a hacker and expressed my feelings as well. We talked for hours upon hours until I had to leave, and when I did, he departed with ‘I love you’.

A few days later when I got back into town, we arranged to meet. I met him at our old school. We embraced, but I looked away before he could do what I knew he was going to do. We went for ice cream, like we always did at the mall, and then returned to my apartment to relax and get out of the sun. We sat beside each other on the couch, and had an awkward silence before I turned to him with a question. I can’t remember what it was, because he hit me. Or at least, it felt like I had it a wall. He kissed me, for the first time in my life. The boy I loved kissed me, and I knew all my dreams had come true. I blushed fiercely and muttered, “I can’t kiss…” how I wish I could change that sentence. But I could elaborate because he simply kissed me again. It was the happiest moment of my life.

A week passed with barely a word from him. I couldn’t believe we were doing this again, and I did my best not to sound like an obsessed girlfriend. Though I must admit, at times it wasn’t easy. One day I was home alone, and he showed up. We spent the day together again, and then he left quickly. I was confused, but I couldn’t do anything. Later on facebook, he came up again.

“We need to talk. We can’t date, I’m not the right guy for you.” We had a long talk. He asked if we could be friends… I thought through everything, the pain I got when he talked about his stupid ex-girlfriends, when I tried to just be his friend and I said…
“No.”

Though I was the one that broke off the friendship, I suffered. I cried in the night for so long then my dreams were filled with me chasing him, asking for him back. I always thought love was something beautiful; even when it was gone, ‘Was better to loved and lost then to have never loved at all’ has never had their heart broken. I became depressed and withdrawn, and I cried whenever I was alone. I even thought about… committing suicide once or twice. I needed him, but that was exactly what I didn’t need. He unfriended me on facebook, which was probably for the best because I knew I wouldn’t have the heart to do it. I did everything I could to get over him, I sang break up songs, my particular favourite being ‘Break Even’ by ‘The Script’. I wrote song lyrics and poetry and just tried my best to move on. It wasn’t working.

One day a month or so later, I was on facebook and I couldn’t help it-I went onto his profile to discover… he was with another girl… He couldn’t have loved me, not if he got together with someone so quickly. Then it all got worse. The next day I saw him at the variety mart, and he just glanced at me and then ignored me completely. I wanted to cry, I wanted to proclaim that I still loved him; that I needed him. But I didn’t, I just let him walk away. I cried more that night.

I don’t hate him, I could never hate him after the love I felt for him. As days go on I know this. But I wish I could hate him, blame him for everything, but I can’t. I have to live with all the what-ifs and it kills me every day. I still love him, and I always will, but I know that I’ll never be the same without him.