A Kiss Before She Goes
Am I Losing Myself?
The other boys have started to notice a change in the younger Way brother. Mikey has become more withdrawn, he shies away from group activities opting instead to lie in his bed in his room, or when they’re on tour, in his bunk. Gerard finds this curious. He knows Mikey isn’t sleeping. He sometimes walks past Mikey’s bunk, and through the curtain he can see him laying there with his eyes open. And when they’re at home, Gerard makes it a point to go into Mikey’s room at random intervals throughout the time his brother is in there.
Mikey is always awake. Always.
Gerard isn’t sure what he thinks is wrong. He actually has no idea. He suspects drugs, but he wants to believe that he knows Mikey better than that.
Either way, whether he knows the reason or not, Gerard cannot deny that something is wrong. Mikey’s skin has gotten paler than it should be, dark circles have appeared under his eyes and he has been losing a lot of weight rather quickly.
Mikey has stayed away from the activities he used to enjoy. He doesn’t hang out with the guys, doesn’t watch movies, go out to eat, read comic books. Nothing. And if he is doing something, if he is with somebody, he seems lost in his own little world. Like he’s living in his head more than with everybody else.
And it isn’t just Gerard who has seen this. If it was, Gerard thinks that he would be able to shrug it off, that maybe he and his brother were just a little closer that normal and he was reading too much into things and getting all worked up over nothing. But Frank has noticed as well. Even said something about it. Compared him to the image that Gerard portrays of himself in high school.
“Were you that much of a loner?” Frank had said.
And Gerard knows he has to do something before something terrible happens to his baby brother.
_______
Mikey is sitting on the couch in the living room. Frank is there, Gerard too. They’re watching the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but Mikey isn’t really watching. Mikey’s eyes are open, but only because when he had had them closed he could feel Frank and his brother staring at him. So… eyes open. It was just easier that way.
Mikey is thinking about Gerard. He is thinking of things he would like Gerard to say. It had started with “Do you want to watch this movie with us?” Because his brother had actually asked him that. Soon it went to “Those pants look really good on you”, “I have a sore muscle in my back, can you massage it for me?” and “I’m going to make Frank leave so we can go to your room and spend some, uh, quality time together.”
Mikey ignores it when he vaguely hears Gerard mumble something about Jessica Biel’s chest. He didn’t want Gerard to say that, so he doesn’t accept that he has. He also ignores it when he hears Frank laugh. In his head, Frank isn’t even here.
In truth, Mikey’s dreams about his brother has ceased coming about a week after he had had the first one. Like so many other things recently, Mikey has refused to accept this as a reality. Those dreams had brought him to discover feelings he didn’t know he had. They had led him to uncover a love for his brother that he can only assume he had been hiding for a long time. Maybe a lifetime.
When they suddenly stopped, he has been devastated. He had come to depend on them as his outlet. An outlet for these feelings that he shouldn’t have. So Mikey did the only thing he could think of… he forced them.
He thinks of words he would have Gerard say to him. He puts the two of them in different situations, different places, and different times. Sometime they are still in the band, sometimes they aren’t. The only constant in these thoughts is that in this world of preplanned daydreams, Mikey and Gerard are together.
________
When Mikey comes to his senses, he sees that Frank is gone.
Which means that Frank had probably said goodbye, and that Mikey had ignored him.
Frank is gone, the movie is over, and Gerard is staring at him from the kitchen.
Mikey begins to examine his fingernails, half hoping that Gerard never really noticed the eye contact they had just made.
“Mikey…” No such luck, Mikey thinks.
“Is there something bothering you? You seem a little off lately.” Gerard has moved from the microwave where he was heating up a slice of pizza to sit at the kitchen table.
Mikey notices the folded up napkin that is being clenched and unclenched in his brother’s fist. Mikey wonders why Gerard is so nervous.
“Mikey- are you even listening?”
Mikey nods his head; he doesn’t trust himself to speak right now.
“Look Mikey, this is important… I don’t understand what’s wrong with you. I don’t know about whatever problems you may be having. The only thing I know is that I can’t help you unless you talk to me.”
Mikey stares at his brother. He is worried for a moment. He has this feeling in his gut that he just can’t explain. He thinks that in some way Gerard knows. That somehow, he had found out.
“Mikey please…just tell me! I want to help you. Please, is it drugs? If it is you know I can help you, be here for you. I know it was hard for me, but I don’t want to see you go as far as I did. I can help you do this, Mikey.” Gerard is kneeling in front of Mikey, who is still sitting on the couch. His hands are holding onto Mikey’s, Gerard’s thumbs moving in circles against Mikey’s skin. Mikey feels how clammy his brother’s hands are. He must be really worried about me, Mikey thinks. He smiles. He tells himself that inwardly he feels bad about his brother’s grief- but he knows that he doesn’t. He knows that he’s trying to make himself feel bad so that he doesn’t end up feeling worse. So that he doesn’t feel uncaring and cold.
Gerard squeezes his brother’s hands lightly.
“Mikey?” He whispers.
Mikey leans forward and wraps his arms around his brother’s neck. Pulls him close for a hug.
“It’s not drugs, Gerard.” Gerard pulls away; his eyes search his brother’s face.
Mikey smiles again, a small, thin smile. He gets up. Gerard closes his eyes as Mikey moves past him, walks up the stairs to his room and closes the door.
Mikey is always awake. Always.
Gerard isn’t sure what he thinks is wrong. He actually has no idea. He suspects drugs, but he wants to believe that he knows Mikey better than that.
Either way, whether he knows the reason or not, Gerard cannot deny that something is wrong. Mikey’s skin has gotten paler than it should be, dark circles have appeared under his eyes and he has been losing a lot of weight rather quickly.
Mikey has stayed away from the activities he used to enjoy. He doesn’t hang out with the guys, doesn’t watch movies, go out to eat, read comic books. Nothing. And if he is doing something, if he is with somebody, he seems lost in his own little world. Like he’s living in his head more than with everybody else.
And it isn’t just Gerard who has seen this. If it was, Gerard thinks that he would be able to shrug it off, that maybe he and his brother were just a little closer that normal and he was reading too much into things and getting all worked up over nothing. But Frank has noticed as well. Even said something about it. Compared him to the image that Gerard portrays of himself in high school.
“Were you that much of a loner?” Frank had said.
And Gerard knows he has to do something before something terrible happens to his baby brother.
_______
Mikey is sitting on the couch in the living room. Frank is there, Gerard too. They’re watching the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but Mikey isn’t really watching. Mikey’s eyes are open, but only because when he had had them closed he could feel Frank and his brother staring at him. So… eyes open. It was just easier that way.
Mikey is thinking about Gerard. He is thinking of things he would like Gerard to say. It had started with “Do you want to watch this movie with us?” Because his brother had actually asked him that. Soon it went to “Those pants look really good on you”, “I have a sore muscle in my back, can you massage it for me?” and “I’m going to make Frank leave so we can go to your room and spend some, uh, quality time together.”
Mikey ignores it when he vaguely hears Gerard mumble something about Jessica Biel’s chest. He didn’t want Gerard to say that, so he doesn’t accept that he has. He also ignores it when he hears Frank laugh. In his head, Frank isn’t even here.
In truth, Mikey’s dreams about his brother has ceased coming about a week after he had had the first one. Like so many other things recently, Mikey has refused to accept this as a reality. Those dreams had brought him to discover feelings he didn’t know he had. They had led him to uncover a love for his brother that he can only assume he had been hiding for a long time. Maybe a lifetime.
When they suddenly stopped, he has been devastated. He had come to depend on them as his outlet. An outlet for these feelings that he shouldn’t have. So Mikey did the only thing he could think of… he forced them.
He thinks of words he would have Gerard say to him. He puts the two of them in different situations, different places, and different times. Sometime they are still in the band, sometimes they aren’t. The only constant in these thoughts is that in this world of preplanned daydreams, Mikey and Gerard are together.
________
When Mikey comes to his senses, he sees that Frank is gone.
Which means that Frank had probably said goodbye, and that Mikey had ignored him.
Frank is gone, the movie is over, and Gerard is staring at him from the kitchen.
Mikey begins to examine his fingernails, half hoping that Gerard never really noticed the eye contact they had just made.
“Mikey…” No such luck, Mikey thinks.
“Is there something bothering you? You seem a little off lately.” Gerard has moved from the microwave where he was heating up a slice of pizza to sit at the kitchen table.
Mikey notices the folded up napkin that is being clenched and unclenched in his brother’s fist. Mikey wonders why Gerard is so nervous.
“Mikey- are you even listening?”
Mikey nods his head; he doesn’t trust himself to speak right now.
“Look Mikey, this is important… I don’t understand what’s wrong with you. I don’t know about whatever problems you may be having. The only thing I know is that I can’t help you unless you talk to me.”
Mikey stares at his brother. He is worried for a moment. He has this feeling in his gut that he just can’t explain. He thinks that in some way Gerard knows. That somehow, he had found out.
“Mikey please…just tell me! I want to help you. Please, is it drugs? If it is you know I can help you, be here for you. I know it was hard for me, but I don’t want to see you go as far as I did. I can help you do this, Mikey.” Gerard is kneeling in front of Mikey, who is still sitting on the couch. His hands are holding onto Mikey’s, Gerard’s thumbs moving in circles against Mikey’s skin. Mikey feels how clammy his brother’s hands are. He must be really worried about me, Mikey thinks. He smiles. He tells himself that inwardly he feels bad about his brother’s grief- but he knows that he doesn’t. He knows that he’s trying to make himself feel bad so that he doesn’t end up feeling worse. So that he doesn’t feel uncaring and cold.
Gerard squeezes his brother’s hands lightly.
“Mikey?” He whispers.
Mikey leans forward and wraps his arms around his brother’s neck. Pulls him close for a hug.
“It’s not drugs, Gerard.” Gerard pulls away; his eyes search his brother’s face.
Mikey smiles again, a small, thin smile. He gets up. Gerard closes his eyes as Mikey moves past him, walks up the stairs to his room and closes the door.